Chapter 12 #2
I love that he’s given me a nickname that no one other than my grandmother has ever used for me.
He’s a gorgeous man with smooth light brown skin, warm brown eyes and a showstopper of a smile.
That smile was the first thing that attracted me to him, and it still gets to me every time he directs it my way.
“I’m sorry. I’m just distracted.”
“Thinking about your friend?”
“Yeah, and her kids, and the rest of our widows, who’ll take this harder than most of the people in Taylor’s life, even the ones who barely know her.
Many of them are courageously creating new lives for themselves and their children with new partners.
This’ll be a reminder that none of us is safe from disaster striking again. ”
“Does that include you?”
“What do you mean?”
“Are you courageously creating a new life for yourself with a new partner and fearing disaster striking again?”
Realizing what he’s asking me, I give him the side-eye. We’ve been seeing each other for more than a year. He’s the first guy I’ve slept with since Craig died. I’m enjoying him, but I’m not ready to put labels on it.
“That’s a really long pause after a question.”
“I was trying to think of the nicest way to say I’m not sure yet what I’m doing here, and I’m sorry if that’s not what you want to hear.”
He takes my hand and kisses the back of it. “It’s okay. I’m not in any rush to call it something. I want you to know how much I enjoy being with you.”
“Same.”
“Okay, then. We’ll continue doing what we’re doing. But can I ask you for one thing?”
“Sure.”
“Don’t let this awful, terrible, tragic thing that’s happened to your widow friend lead you to think it’d be easier to be alone than to take another chance with your heart.”
I place my hand on his muscular chest. He works out every day and has the body to prove it. I’ve never been with a guy who has an actual six-pack, only his is more like a twelve-pack.
“It’d be a crying shame to mess up a great thing over something that happened to other people,” he adds.
“I know.”
“So let’s not do that, okay?”
“I’ll try very hard not to.”
“I understand how something like this must bring it all back…”
“It does.”
“Will you talk to me about it? I can’t possibly know what you’ve been through or what news like this does to you unless you tell me. Will you do that?”
“I can try.”
“Only if you want to. I’m here for you, Joy. Not just for the fun stuff, but for the hard stuff, too. We’ve been all about the fun, which has been great, but we’ve both been around long enough to know there’s more to life than fun and games.”
“Yes, there is, but the fun and games have been just what I needed, so thank you for that.”
“Is that all we’re going to be? Fun and games?”
“I… I’m still trying to figure out what I’m capable of in the ‘after,’ as we refer to this widow life. I don’t know if I can go all in again, or if this is all I can do.”
He moves closer to me and caresses my face. “I think you, beautiful Joy, are capable of a tremendous amount of love for the people in your life. I think they’re incredibly lucky to be loved by you, that anyone would be. I would be.”
Damn him and his sweetness, which has me blinking back tears.
“I don’t want to push for more than you can handle. I know this much has been a big deal, but I’m falling hard for you. I thought you ought to know that.”
I rest my forehead against his, ridiculously moved and terrified of the big feelings I’ve had for him for a while now.
I was getting closer to doing something about those big feelings when I got the news about Will.
Since then, I’ve been in a spiral that I can’t seem to pull myself out of, no matter how hard I try.
“Talk to me, Joyful. Tell me what’s going on.”
“I’ve taken this news about my friend’s husband hard.
I wish I hadn’t, because my rational brain says it’s silly to let something like this resurrect all my old hurts.
But the emotional part of me, the part of me that loved my Craig with all my heart and will never get over losing him so suddenly…
That part of me is running the show tonight, as much as I wish it wasn’t. ”
“That’s totally understandable.”
“I’m glad you think so, because it’s pissing me off.”
I feel the rumble of his low chuckle against my ear as he holds me close to him.
“Even a badass like you can have a setback every now and then.”
“I don’t like setbacks. They irritate me.”
“Yes, I can see that, but the thing about setbacks is they’re usually temporary. So it’d be foolish to make decisions about anything while you’re dealing with one. Right?”
“Yeah, that’s true.”
“So let’s table this conversation about what we’re doing and where it’s going until you feel up to it, okay?”
“That’d be good,” I say on a sigh of relief. “Thank you for understanding.”
“I can’t possibly understand any of this, but I’m more than willing to follow your lead through it.”
“That makes you a rare and special guy, Bernard.”
He scowls. “Only my mother calls me that.”
I laugh for the first time in hours as the tightness in my abdomen lets up somewhat, which is a relief. I carry my trauma in my belly for some strange reason, and when it aches like it has for hours today, it brings back memories of that horrible morning when I realized Craig was dead.
“Do you want me to go?” Bernie asks. “I promise I won’t be hurt if you say yes—as long as I can come back another time.”
“I don’t want you to go.”
“Oh, good, because that would’ve been a bummer.”
I look up at him, smiling. “Thank you.”
“For what?”
“You’ve handled today’s emotional firestorm just right, and it’s very much appreciated.”
“Tell me what you need, and I’ll do what I can to make sure you get it.”
“A gal could fall in love with a guy who says things like that.”
“The guy in question—if we’re talking about you and me, that is—would be fine with that.”
For the first time in hours, I relax and allow myself to wallow in the sweet comfort he offers so willingly. From the start, he’s been amazing in all the ways that matter to a widow attempting to start over after a devastating loss.
He listens more than he talks. He tries to understand while acknowledging he never can. He’s never once pushed me for more than I’m ready to give. And he makes me laugh—a lot. That last one has been a tremendous gift in addition to all the others.
“Bern…”
“Yeah?”
“Thank you for being patient with me.”
“You need to stop thanking me for things I’m happy to do.”
“Not everyone would be, you know?”
“You wouldn’t be with someone who couldn’t handle it. You’d have kicked me to the curb a long time ago if I were like that.”
“You’re right about that. I’ve kicked a few others to the curb over the years.”
“Their loss, sweetheart.”