Chapter 16
Sixteen
Iris
Taylor has turned over the planning for the funeral to Will’s family because she said it matters more to his religious parents than it does to her.
She’s staying focused on her kids and preparing for the birth of her new baby.
Thankfully, the swelling in her ankles has subsided, and she’s feeling better than she was.
Today, I had no choice but to call Lexi and fill her in on what’s been going on while she was celebrating her engagement.
“Oh my God,” she says. “I feel like such a jerk.”
“What? No! We’re thrilled for you and Tom. Please don’t feel bad. You had no way to know about Will, and none of us wanted to steal your hard-won joy. Trust me, your good news has been a light at an otherwise dark time.”
“I hesitate to ask how Taylor and the kids are doing…”
“It’s been rough, but they’re soldiering through.”
“And her baby is due so soon, too.”
“It’s all so fucking tragic.”
“I’m so, so sad for her and the kids and everyone who loved Will.”
“I am, too.”
A somber group gathers in my living room on Wednesday night.
There’s none of the usual friendly bickering and laughter that have become such a big part of our weekly get-togethers.
“How’s everyone doing?” I ask when we’re seated in a circle, each of us with a plate of appetizers that Joy and Christy brought.
There’s much exchanging of glances before Lexi says, “I’m so sorry to all of you who know Taylor and Will better than I do.”
Christy dabs at her eyes with a tissue. “It’s been hard.”
“Very, very hard,” Joy adds.
“I hardly know them,” Roni says, “and I’ve had the worst few days in a long time—and I feel guilty for even saying that because it’s certainly not about me.”
“It’s about all of us,” Gage says. “Taylor’s loss is a stark reminder that we’re never completely out of the woods in this thing called life.”
He does such a great job of summing up what we’re all feeling.
“I’m so fucking angry at the universe,” Wynter says. “How dare she have to do this twice?”
“That’s a very good question, Wynter,” Brielle says, “and one that’s been on my mind—and I’m sure all of yours—since I first heard what happened. It’s grossly unfair.”
“How’s she doing, Iris?” Naomi asks.
“It’s a minute-by-minute thing. She’s hoping to get through the wake and funeral before the birth.”
“It’s all too much,” Joy says tearfully. “Just too damned much.”
“Do you think she’ll come back to our group?” Adrian asks.
I’ve been wondering that myself. “I don’t know. She certainly knows we’re here if she feels it’ll help at some point.”
“It’s sobering to hear of it happening to someone a second time,” Angela says.
“I agree,” Luke says.
As two of our newer members, this is the last thing either of them needed to hear. Hell, it’s the last thing any of us needed to hear. We were glad he was able to come tonight, as he’s rarely able to make our weekly meetings.
“Here’s the thing, guys,” Gage says. “As we always say, ain’t none of us getting out of here alive. Some will get more time than others, which is a simple fact of life.”
“When I first started coming to the meetings and buying what you people were selling,” Wynter says haltingly, “I had this notion that I’d eventually get over Jaden’s death and move on with my life with someone else or by myself.
Either way, I’d leave the past where it belonged.
It’s been hard to realize it doesn’t work like that. ”
“I’ve had those same thoughts this week,” Roni says. “Derek and I have talked a lot about PTSD and how, no matter how much hard work we’ve done to cope and move on, it still shows up out of nowhere to remind us that we’re never again going to be who we were before disaster struck.”
“I hate that,” Hallie says. “I hate it for all of us—and I especially hate it for Taylor.”
“She wanted me to thank you all for the outpouring of support, the food and all the other things you guys have done. She said no one shows up for a widow like other widows.”
“We wish it could be more,” Christy said.
“She’ll need help long term,” I remind her.
“There’ll be lots of opportunities to show up for her and her family.
And I want to say one more thing with my whole chest this time…
Those of you who don’t know Taylor and Will—and meeting them here a time or two doesn’t count as knowing them well—are under no obligation to attend the services. ”
“Iris is right,” Gage says, adding, “and I’m not just saying that because I’m sleeping with her.”
That makes everyone laugh, which was no doubt his goal, and serves to break some of the unusually gloomy tension hanging over us.
“Please, guys,” Iris adds, “take care of your own mental health and don’t worry about Taylor. She’ll be very well supported by an army of friends and family.”
“Thanks for saying that, Iris,” Lexi says. “I was thinking I should go, but I wasn’t sure.”
“Don’t go. Be there for her for what’s ahead. That’ll matter most.”
“Let’s talk about some good news, shall we?” Gage says. “Starting with a huge congratulations to Lexi and Tom Terrific on their engagement. We couldn’t be happier for you guys.”
The others clap and cheer for Lexi, who takes it all in with a big smile, even if her eyes are sadder than they’ve been in a while. The news about Taylor’s loss is still new and raw for her, while the rest of us have had a few more days to wrap our heads around it.
“Thanks, guys,” Lexi says. “I can’t say enough about how much all of you contributed to me being ready for this next step. Or at least I thought I was ready until Iris called earlier.”
“You’re ready, Lex,” Joy says emphatically. “You’ve done the work and taken the time to heal. This is your moment with Tom, and you deserve every happiness. Please don’t let anything stand in the way of that.”
“I’ll try not to, but it’s hard to be elated when someone else is hurting.”
“Someone else is always hurting, which is why we have to take the joyful moments where we can find them,” Gage says.
“True, thanks for the reminder.”
“Any time you need it, pal.”
“When’s the wedding?” Kinsley asks.
“We’re hoping to do it next summer. Something fun and chill at home. He doesn’t care about having a big wedding, and I’ve been there, done that, so we’re keeping it simple.”
“We can’t wait to celebrate you guys,” Roni says. “We’re so proud of you, Lex.”
“Aw, thanks.”
“How’s the new job?” Derek asks.
Lexi recently took a job as the volunteer coordinator for the Northern Virginia Chapter of the ALS Association. We’ve worried about how she’d cope with being surrounded by the illness that took her husband, Jim.
“So far, so good. I really like the people I work with, and I’ve met several of the local families who are relying on us for help. It’s nice to feel like I’m making a difference at work, which is a huge improvement over the data-entry gig.”
“Anything would be an improvement over that job,” Naomi says.
“Who else has good news?” I ask.
“I, um, I swiped right,” Brielle says, her face flushing with a rosy glow. “For the first time.”
The news sets off a round of applause that mortifies Brielle.
“Oh stop. It’s no big deal.”
“It’s a huge deal,” Naomi says, “and we’re proud of you.”
“Don’t get too excited. It’s nothing much so far. Just a few messages exchanged. I’m not as good at this as you are, Nai. Thanks for the encouragement. It’s really helped.”
“Please… It’s not like I’m an expert or something.”
“You’ll keep us posted, right?” Joy asks Brielle.
“If there’s anything to tell, you’ll be the first to know.”
“Excellent,” Joy says, smiling. “And you’ll never meet him or anyone without someone knowing who you’re meeting and where, correct?”
“Yes, Mama Joy, I’ll be careful. Promise.”
“I have some good news,” Hallie says. “Robin had a scan this week, and her cancer is stable. That’s four months in a row.”
“Wonderful news,” Roni says. “We’re happy for both of you.”
“Don’t you guys ever get sick of this shit?” Wynter asks in an angry burst of words that takes us all by surprise.
“What shit in particular?” I ask her.
“The widow shit. The constant cheering of tiny steps forward. The ridiculous optimism in a world where someone can lose two husbands tragically. The platitudes, the this-too-shall-pass nonsense, when we all know it’ll never pass.
It’ll always be there. It’s starting to feel like total bullshit to me. ”
Her outburst is met with stunned silence.
I have no idea what to say to that.
“Allow me,” Gage says to the rest of us.
Then he looks right at Wynter. “It’s all bullshit.
Every single bit of it is bullshit. The tragedy of it all, the shit people who don’t know better say, thinking they’re helping.
The sayings, the platitudes, the cheering of small successes. Every bit of it is total bullshit.”
He’s making me nervous. “Gage…”
“But here’s the rub.” He never blinks as he gives Wynter his full attention.
“What’s the alternative? Sitting alone in a dark room for the rest of our lives, rolled up in a ball, stuck in the place we were when it first happened?
I don’t know about you, but I never again want to be in that place and hope to God that none of us are ever there again.
I ache for Taylor, Will and their children.
But the ache isn’t stopping me from loving Iris and our kids or being excited about our wedding and all the good things to come.
What the fuck choice do we have, Wynter? ”
By the time he’s done, I’m wiping away tears, and so are most of the others, including Wynter.
“So very well said, as always, Gage,” Derek says as he takes a subtle swipe at his face.
Adrian slips an arm around Wynter.
“I never wanted any of this,” she whispers on a sob.
I glance at Angela and Luke, who are looking at the floor.
“None of us want this, sweetheart,” Gage replies.
“But it’s the hand we were dealt, and if I do say so myself, I think we’re doing one hell of a job playing that hand.
We’ve got two couples from this group making new lives for themselves and their children.
We’ve got Lexi engaged to Tom Terrific. Christy and Trey are creating a new family.
Joy’s got her Dr. Bernie, and Hallie has her Robin.
Naomi is dating, and Brielle swiped right.
Kinsley talks more about possibly taking the plunge into dating than she used to.
Angela and Luke came back for more of us after having had the time to think about whether or not they wanted what we’re offering. ”
“I’m sorry,” Wynter says to Angela and Luke. “I shouldn’t have spouted off.”
“Why not?” Angela says. “Everything you said is true. Some days I feel like I’m wading through hip-deep bullshit. I feel that way every day, if I’m being honest.”
“Same,” Luke says. “I appreciate your honesty, Wynter. I’m just over two years out, but I’m still so pissed off that this happened to my family—and to Bella, who so didn’t deserve to suffer the way she did.
Despite being surrounded by incredible love and support from everyone in our lives, every minute is a struggle, and it’s exhausting. ”
A lot of us are nodding in agreement.
“That said,” Luke adds, “I was looking forward to tonight, to being with people who get it, which makes a difference. This group makes a difference, and I, for one, am thankful for the outlet.”
“Same,” Angela said. “I wish I’d joined sooner.”
“You came when you were ready,” I tell her with a smile. “Well… How about some dessert?”
Everyone stands and stretches, except for Wynter and Adrian, who stay where they are, heads bent together in silent communication.
I follow the others into the kitchen and go directly to Gage, who sees me coming and wraps me into a hug. “That was intense.”
“Yeah, but I think it was healthy to talk about the rage a bit. We don’t do that very often.”
“I worry about a setback for her. She’s been doing so great…”
“I know.”
“You were magnificent.”
“Aw, thanks. I was flying by the seat of my pants.”
“Your pants do good work.”
He laughs, and we’re soon surrounded by others needing hugs and reassurance and all the things we’re here to give.
“Look at you, swiping right,” I say to Brielle.
“Don’t be too excited. It’s a total shit show.”
I watch as Kinsley’s gaze seeks out and lands on Luke, who’s talking to Roni and Derek. Interesting…
She looks back at me in time to realize I saw who she was looking at. “Don’t make a thing of it.”
“Is it a thing?”
“I don’t know what it is. I find myself thinking about him and his kids a lot.”
“Nothing wrong with that.”
“I know.”
“Go talk to him. You’re among friends.”
“I don’t want to be a weirdo.”
“Oh please, you’re the furthest thing from that, and PS, we’re all a little weird in Widowville.” I give her a nudge. “Go. What’ve you got to lose?”
“Is that a multiple-choice question?”
“Haha. He’s looking over here.”
“No, he isn’t.”
“Is, too.”
She ventures a glance, and when their gazes connect, something electric passes between them.
“Oh my,” I say. She seems frozen in place. “He’s coming over here. I’m out.”
“No, Iris… Don’t go.”
“I’m already gone.”