Chapter 18 #2
“So they don’t remember him?”
“Christian has some distinct memories, but not a lot of them. Maisy doesn’t remember him at all. I’m not sure which is worse, honestly—the one who has some memories he’s trying desperately to hold on to or the one who has no memories of someone who should be there.”
“They’re both the worst. It’s so unfair. My heart breaks for my kids every day. I see the older ones glomming on to their friends’ mothers, and it just makes me so sad. Bella was such an amazing mom. She should be here with them.”
“I feel the same way, but such is the hand we were dealt.”
“It’s a shitty hand.”
“In many ways, yes, but in other ways, it’s brought some incredible new people into my life who’ve become so important to me. My widows are some of the best friends I’ve ever had.”
“I can tell there’re a lot of tight bonds in that group.”
“I’m not sure I would’ve survived without them. I give Iris and Christy and Gage so much credit for holding us all together, when no one would blame any of them for moving on from the group at this point.”
“Iris described it to me as somewhat of a calling for her.”
“Yes, for sure. She and Gage are our Yodas.”
“I felt sad for Wynter tonight. She seemed so upset.”
“She’s had such a tough time of it. She was so young when she lost her Jaden. I don’t even think she was twenty, and they’d been together for years.”
“That’s rough.”
“I wish you could’ve known her back in the beginning. Despite her outburst tonight, you wouldn’t believe the progress she’s made.”
“She and Adrian seem like a great couple.”
“They are, but as in all things in widow life, none of it came easy for either of them.”
“I’m sure it didn’t. Are you home yet?”
“About ten minutes ago.”
“Who’s with your kids?”
“My mom.”
“Does she live close?”
“Right around the corner. Not sure what I’d do without her and my dad. They’re always willing to help out.”
“I’ve got my parents and Bella’s nearby, too. They’re a godsend.
“It’s nice to have people in our daily lives who love the kids like I do.”
“For sure. That makes such a big difference. So do you work in addition to managing two kids on your own?”
“Part time from home for a nonprofit, doing social media and online marketing. I work while the kids are in school, which is perfect for us. I was one of the lucky ones—Rory had great life insurance through his work, so I wasn’t left in desperate straits like some of my widow friends were.”
“That’s such a blessing. Bella had life insurance, too.
We have a friend who’s a financial adviser, and he told us to get it the minute we were expecting our first child.
He made the argument that even if Bella was going to be a stay-at-home mom, if anything ever happened to her, I’d need help that wouldn’t come cheap.
I can’t tell you how thankful I am for that advice every day. ”
“I’ll bet. People don’t think about stuff like that when they’re young, with their whole lives ahead of them—or so they think.”
“No, they don’t.”
“Why would they, really?”
“Yeah, true. Well, this conversation has taken a morbid turn,” he says with a laugh.
“I’ve learned from my Wild Widows that it’s healthy to talk about it. Keeping it bottled up inside won’t get you anywhere but pissed off and hopeless.”
“I can already see the benefit of airing it out.”
“It helps to be around people who understand the struggle and don’t say stupid things like, ‘He or she is in a better place.’”
“Oh my God, I might punch the next person who says that to me.”
“Don’t do that.”
“I won’t, but I want to.”
“Right there with you. That and ‘It’s God’s will’ are two of my least-favorite platitudes. How could God have wanted this for us?”
“Exactly. It’s infuriating to hear that crap from people who’ll never know what we’ve been through.”
“Joy’s had people say, ‘At least you and Craig didn’t have kids,’ as if that somehow makes it all better that she lost her young, healthy husband to natural causes.”
“That makes me see red for her.”
“She tells them that doesn’t help, and they should think before they say something stupid to a widow.”
“She comes right out and says that?”
“Yep. After years of biting her tongue, she doesn’t anymore.”
“Good for her.”
“I agree. Why should she have to listen to that shit?”
“No one should.” After a pause, he says, “So, um, do you want to grab lunch one day this week?”
He’s asking me out, and I’m dead, done. Good thing I’m seated, or there might’ve been swooning.
“Kinsley? Are you still there?”
Say words, you fool. “Sorry, yes, I’d love to have lunch with you.”
“Great. I need to look at my schedule for the week, and then I’ll text you to set up a time and place. Does that work?”
“Perfect. I’ll look forward to it.”
“Same. I’m really glad you reached out.”
“I’m glad, too. Talk to you soon.”
“Yes, you will.”
I left Iris’s feeling sad and unsettled after talking about Taylor’s loss, but I’m absolutely giddy as I get out of the car to go inside.
“There you are,” Mom says. “I heard the garage a while ago, but I was watching the end of my show.”
“I was on the phone.”
“I figured it was something like that.”
“I was on the phone with a boy who asked me out.”
My mom’s eyes go wide as her face lights up with the biggest smile I’ve seen from her in a long time. “I’m going to need details about this boy.”
“Well, he’s actually a man—a doctor, in fact—and the single dad to four kids eight and under after losing his wife to colon cancer two years ago.”
“Oh my. That’s a lot.”
“Sure is.”
“What’s his name?”
“Luke.”
“What kind of doctor is he?”
“An internist.”
“Very interesting. Four kids, though. That’s a lot.”
I dodge that comment because I’m having lunch with him, not offering to raise his motherless children. “Speaking of kids, how were mine?”
“Delightful as always, even if Miss Maisy avoided bedtime for as long as she could.”
“That’s getting worse all the time. The child can function on very little sleep, which isn’t ideal for her mother, who needs a good eight hours.”
“You’ve been like that since you were a baby. You were my best sleeper.”
“I love sleep. It’s my favorite thing.”
“Remember when you were a teen and I used to wake you up at one o’clock on the days you could sleep in and you were always groggy, even at that hour?”
“Ah, the good old days of sleeping the day away. That’s ancient history now.”
“I’d better get home before Dad comes looking for me.”
“How’s he feeling?” He’s had a terrible cold for more than a week.
“Much better. Not as congested as he was yesterday. He’s eager to get back to being with the kids.”
“They’ve missed him at school pickup.”
“He misses it, too. He’ll be back soon.”
I hug her at the door. “Thank you so much for everything. All the time. Every day. I couldn’t do this without you guys.”
“We love every minute with you and the kids.”
“Just so you know how thankful I am. Not everyone has the kind of support I have, and I never take it for granted. The way you guys uprooted your lives and moved here to help me…”
“Of course we did, sweetheart. It was the best thing we ever did.”
“Thank you.”
She hugs me one more time. “Love you. Love your kids. Loved your Rory. And I love that you have a date with Luke.”
“Don’t tell anyone, okay? I don’t want everyone asking me about it.”
“I won’t say a word. I promise.” With a side-eyed glance, she adds, “As long as you tell me everything.”
“Haha, good night, Mother.”
“Good night, daughter.”
After she drives off, I lock up, shut off the lights and go upstairs to check on my sleeping babies.
I love to run my fingers through their soft hair while they sleep and to kiss their sweet faces. They’re always on the move when they’re awake, so snuggling with Mommy isn’t high on their to-do list.
“Love you to the moon,” I whisper to each of them as I adjust the blankets and leave them to have sweet dreams.
Their bedrooms have a bathroom in the middle that they share, and I think it’s adorable that they want the doors open between their rooms during the night.
That won’t last forever, but for now, they take comfort in the nearness of their best friend.
I’m aware that best friendship probably won’t last through the teenage years, but I think they’ll always be close due to the early trauma that most siblings luckily never have to experience.
Even though they were very young when Rory fell ill and died, they recall that time and often ask questions about what happened and why, as if trying to keep the memories present as the years have passed since tragedy struck.
As I get into bed fifteen minutes later, I glance at his side of the bed as I’ve done every night since he left, looking for Rory’s smiling face as he waited for me to join him.
I was always the last one to bed because I was making lunches or folding clothes or doing something to make all our lives easier the next day.
He was a wonderful, hands-on father, but he wasn’t great with the details of the kids’ daily lives.
That was fine. He worked hard to provide for us, and I handled most of the “home” stuff while working part time.
Before he got sick, he used to joke about how screwed he’d be if I ever died, so he said, “Please don’t do that to me.
” And I’d say, “I won’t if you won’t.” We’d seal the deal with a kiss any time the subject came up.
He said that often enough that I wonder if he suspected that one of us might die young or if he had a premonition about his own health.
His illness and death transpired so quickly that I never thought to ask him about that.
We were so overwhelmed by the speed of his decline that we had little capacity for anything else during those surreal forty-two days.
However, he told me every day about how much he loved me and the kids and how sorry he was to be leaving me alone to raise them. His heart was broken over leaving us. I had no doubt about that.
I’m surprised to discover tears on my face as I emerge from those painful memories.
For a while after he first died, I thought I’d never stop crying, but it’s been a while since I shed tears over losing Rory.
I feel guilty about that realization, but I refuse to feel guilty about getting on with my life the way he would’ve wanted me to.
And I refuse to feel guilty for being excited about my plans with Luke.
For the first time in what feels like forever, my last thoughts before I fall asleep aren’t about Rory. No, I fall asleep with a smile on my face, thinking about Luke and how excited I am to see him again.