Chapter 23 Felix
FELIX
I adjust my grip on the steering wheel and glance toward Tyler, who’s riding shotgun Friday morning as I head to the Grizzlies’ training facility for a mandatory meeting with the team and interviews with a few members of the press.
He’s scrolling through his phone, probably texting Mindy.
I should have argued harder when Piper said she and Ellie weren’t coming with me.
“Are we going to hide on the floor of your giant SUV?” she’d asked with a laugh when I issued the invitation this morning.
She’d been standing in the kitchen with Ellie on her hip looking every inch a goddess–domestic and otherwise.
“Or are you ready to explain either of us to your new teammates or to curious reporters?”
Of course she was right, but that didn’t stop the knot in my chest from tightening when I walked out the door without them. I’m not sure why things feel different today, but it’s like I don’t want to step back into my regular life without them, terrified of reality truly setting in.
“You’re doing it again,” Tyler says without looking up from his phone.
“Doing what?”
“Thinking so loud I can practically hear it.” He finally glances over at me. “You wanted them to come.”
“Piper didn’t think it was a good call.” I signal to change lanes. “She’s way smarter than me, as usual.”
“You don’t like leaving them.”
I don’t answer. What’s the point? Tyler knows me too well. He knows that I’ve developed this annoying protective instinct that makes me want to bundle them both in bubble wrap.
“It’s weird,” I say finally.
“What is?”
“The feeling of needing to know where they are all the time. To make sure they’re okay.” I shake my head. “It’s fucking unhinged.”
Tyler laughs. “It’s called caring about people, dumbass.”
“I care about lots of people. It’s not the same.”
“Because lots of people aren’t Ellie and Piper.”
“Speaking of which,” I say, because I’ve been putting this off long enough. “I need to tell you something.”
Tyler straightens in his seat, and I can feel his eyes on me. “This doesn’t sound good.”
“Piper’s pregnant.”
A beat of silence and then, “Holy shit.”
I glance over to see him staring at me, slack-jawed.
“That about sums it up.” I still can’t quite wrap my head around the fact that I’m going to be a father when the new year rolls around.
Again. Or for real this time, since Ellie technically isn’t mine—even if she does have me wrapped around her chubby little finger.
“How far along?”
“About fourteen weeks now. She’s due in January.”
He claps a hand on my arm several times. “Dude, that’s awesome. You’re going to be a fa—”
“There’s more.” I grip the steering wheel tighter. “The attorney called yesterday. He finally tracked down Julie’s aunt.”
“Ellie’s relative?”
“Yeah. The aunt–her name’s Nancy–and Julie’s mother were estranged, but she’s interested in meeting Ellie.”
The words hang between us.
“So you’re going to dump one kid before you have another?” Tyler’s voice has lost all its warmth.
Heat flashes through me, but I’m not sure whether it comes from anger or self-recrimination. “What the hell, Ty? You know the plan has always been to find a family for Ellie. People who can take care of her.”
“But not you?”
“She needs someone who actually knows what they’re doing.”
“You’re figuring it out.” It’s not a question.
I open my mouth to argue, then close it again.
I hate that he’s right. I am figuring it out.
And I want to keep going. I want to hear Ellie call me Fee every morning.
Read her favorite books, most of which I already have memorized.
I want to teach her how to throw a football and protect her from every bad thing in the world.
But I’m terrified the thing she needs to be protected from the most might be me.
“This isn’t about me,” I say finally. “It’s about what’s best for Ellie.”
“You’re still convinced that’s not you?”
“Tyler—”
“What does Piper think?”
I don’t answer. I haven’t told her about the call from the attorney. I’ve been too busy trying not to think about what it means.
“Jesus, Felix.” Tyler shakes his head. “You have to tell her.”
“I will. It’s just that I don’t know where things stand with us so—”
“Where things stand is you knocked her up.”
“Fuck off, Tyler. It’s more complicated than that. I also asked her to marry me. Badly.”
“Are you joking?” Tyler shifts to face me fully.
“Do I look like I’m joking? I asked her to marry me, and she said no.”
“So instead of talking to her like an adult about Ellie’s aunt, you’re going to pretend like it didn’t happen?” He shakes his head. “You’re a giant idiot.”
“Thanks, man,” I answer through gritted teeth. “Super helpful.”
He lets out a low whistle. “You like her.”
“Of course I like her. She’s—” I stop myself before I can list all the things that are awesome about Piper. The way she calls me on my bullshit. How she makes me laugh even when I’m trying to be mad. The softness in her eyes when she looks at Ellie. The way she fits against me when we—
“Maybe more than like,” Tyler amends.
“We both know where that’s gotten me in the past.” The bitterness in my voice surprises even me. “High school, college, Ronnie. Every time I give a woman my heart, she finds a creative way to destroy it.”
“Piper’s different.”
“Yeah. She tells me to my face when I’m being a twatwaffle.”
“Exactly.” Tyler’s laugh is almost diabolical. “And she doesn’t want you for your money or your status.”
I’m not going to lie. It’s refreshing to have someone look at me and see Felix instead of the NFL star. At first, I was annoyed that she clearly wasn’t impressed by my hype, but it’s made me work harder to be a man she can admire.
“How do I know if she wants me long-term?” The question pops out of my mouth before I can stop it, my deepest fear spoken out loud. If Piper doesn’t care about my money or status, is just being me going to be enough? I certainly have no track record in that area.
“We’ll figure it out,” Tyler assures me, and damn, I want to believe him. “But first, what are you going to do about Ellie?”
My heart clenches, because the truth is, I don’t want to let her go.
But I also don’t want to mess her up the way my dad messed up Ian and me with his constant criticism and impossible standards.
He made everything about football and nothing about actually being a father.
I’ve seen Ian do better, but even my perfect brother struggled to connect with his daughter at the height of his career.
And if Ian couldn’t manage football and fatherhood, how do I stand a chance?
“I don’t know,” I admit. “She deserves better than my lifestyle, better than—”
“Better than a guy who stays up late researching toddler development and reads her the same damn books over and over because they make her happy?” Tyler’s voice is gentle now. “Felix, you’re already being the dad she needs. You just don’t see it.”
I don’t know what to say to that, so I focus on the road. We’re getting close to Denver now, the city skyline appearing in the distance.
My phone buzzes, and I grab it from the cupholder to glance briefly at the screen while keeping one eye on the road. It’s a picture of Ellie with what looks like syrup in her hair.
Piper: oops. pancakes are messy business
I find myself smiling despite everything I’m struggling to figure out.
“You’ve seriously got it bad.” I can hear the smirk in Tyler’s voice.
“Shut up,” I tell him and turn on the radio.
The Grizzlies’ training facility is on the south end of the city. It’s state-of-the-art, massive, and hums with an energy that I recognize at a soul-deep level. As soon as we walk through the doors, I’m swept up in it.
“Barlowe!” Someone claps me on the shoulder. It’s Jameson Davis, the team’s best defensive back. “It’s about time you showed your face.”
My hand is dwarfed by his giant paw as we shake, which is saying something. “Glad to finally be here.”
“You’ve been incognito as hell, man. Hiding out in the mountains?”
Yes, actually. “Just settling in.”
More guys appear to welcome me to the team, and some of my worries melt away. The camaraderie is familiar in a way I didn’t notice I missed. This is my world. What I know how to do.
The press conference is exactly what I expected, too. There are the usual questions about my move from Cincinnati and what I’m looking forward to with the Grizzlies.
“I’m excited to make a home in Colorado,” I say into the microphone, and the words feel strange in my mouth.
A home. What does that even mean to me?
It’s not the sterile McMansion I bought or my condo in Cincinnati. Home has become a cozy house in a small foothills town with two females who make me want things I never thought I could have.
When the press conference ends, I do more handshaking and small talk making.
“Felix Barlowe,” someone says from behind me.
The voice is deep and authoritative. I turn to find Tom Matheson, the Grizzlies’ franchise quarterback, leaning against a nearby doorframe.
He’s shorter than me by a few inches, with the kind of steady presence that clearly communicates he’s the team leader.
“Tom. Nice to see you again. I’m—”
“Walk with me.” It’s not a question.
We head down a hallway away from the crowds, and it feels like I’m being called into the principal’s office.
“I heard about what happened in Cincinnati with Russ,” he says once we’re alone in a small conference room.
My jaw clenches. I didn’t think anyone outside of Cincinnati knew about that. About finding Ronnie and Russ together. The spectacular implosion of both my relationship and my friendship, not to mention the effect it had on the field.
“That wasn’t—”
“You don’t have to explain.” Tom crosses his long arms over his chest, studying me. “I’m going to say this once: some of the guys on this team are partiers. Young guys, mostly. You know how it goes. They like to hit the clubs, get wild, live that baller lifestyle.”