Chapter 8
8
Lexi
Tom is released from the hospital on Friday afternoon. I offered to take the day off to drive him home, but he’d already lined up Cora to do the honors. He said he’d see me when I got home from work. I stop at the grocery store and get what I need to make a big salad for dinner with grilled chicken.
That’s heart healthy, right?
I need to do some more research to help him adjust to his new lifestyle without some of his favorite things, such as steak.
For now, I hope the salad will be okay.
I’m excited to have him home, as it’s been so quiet in the house without him and his music and amusing commentary to entertain me. The quiet reminds me too much of what it was like to continue living in my parents’ basement after Jim was no longer there with me. I didn’t like it then, and I don’t like it now.
Cora’s car is still in the driveway when I get there.
I gather the groceries and my work bag and head inside, excited to see him back where he belongs.
Upstairs in the living room, he’s in a recliner that must be new or rented since it wasn’t there before. He’s still paler than usual, and his face is leaner than it was, but he looks a whole lot better than he did the last time I came home to find him in that same room.
His face lights up with a smile when he sees me, and the sense of homecoming is profound. At some point in the last few months, this house has truly begun to seem like home to me, but only when he’s there. He’s the one who makes it a home, which is an interesting thing to realize when you’re expected to say something.
“How was your day, dear?” he asks.
“Boring as usual, but it just got much better. Welcome home.”
“Thanks. It’s good to be out of that zoo called a hospital. I might actually get more than an hour of sleep at a time.”
Cora comes in from the kitchen carrying a steaming mug that she hands to Tom. “Hi, Lexi.”
“Hi.”
Tom takes a sip from the mug and grimaces. “What’s in that?”
“It’s herbal tea. It’s good for you.”
He makes another face that only I can see.
I bite my lip to keep from laughing. “I got stuff to make a salad for dinner.”
“Oh joy.”
“Welcome to your new life, my friend.” Cora checks her watch. “I’ve got to run to pick up the kids, but I’ll check on you later?”
“I’ll be here.”
Cora leans over to kiss his forehead. “You’d better be.”
“Thanks for everything this week.”
“No problem. Lydia will be here tomorrow but call if you need anything in the meantime.”
He glances at me. “I think we’ll be okay on our own this weekend. The doctors said I was doing so well I don’t need the visiting nurses.”
I swallow hard at the thought of being responsible for him, but I nod for his sake and Cora’s. “We’ve got this.”
Do we, though? I mean, he’s fine, or they wouldn’t have released him, right? A wave of panic threatens to drag me out of the good mood I was in when I arrived. Thanks to tons of therapy during Jim’s illness and since he died, I recognize the PTSD reactions, but that doesn’t make them any easier to handle when they arise.
Especially with Tom and his sister looking at me as if I’ve suddenly grown a second head.
“You okay, Lex?” Tom asks.
“I’m good. I’ll get that salad going.”
In the kitchen, I’m cutting lettuce when my phone buzzes with a text from Iris. Did Tom make it home ok?
Yep. He’s all settled in, and his sister is about to leave.
Are you ok being there alone with him?
I think so?
Lex! Do you need help? I can come over.
No, no, no. I’m fine. He’s fine. It’s all fine. Thank you tho. You’re the best.
Call us if you need ANYTHING. I mean it.
I will, and thanks for checking on us.
You didn’t ask my advice on this… But I think you like him, and I hope you’re giving yourself permission to figure out if there might be something to it. I know the living situation makes it more complicated, but don’t let that stop you from following your heart, ok?
I’m blinking back tears by the time I finish reading her text. I won’t. Thank you for saying that.
I’m butting in where I don’t belong, but I so so so want to see you find your happily ever after. But only if that’s what you want.
You can never butt in or not belong with me, and I wasn’t sure I wanted that, but seeing all of you living that happy second act has me wondering what might be possible. We’ll see how it goes.
Hang in there and let me know if you need me. I’m right here.
You’ll never know what comfort that gives me.
Love you.
Love you too.
As I wipe away a stray tear and put down my phone, Cora comes into the kitchen. “I feel like it’s a lot to ask you to be here with him when we can’t be. I was planning to stay, but he told me not to bother because you’d be here.”
“It’s no problem. I’m glad to be able to help.”
“Tom told me you lost your husband to ALS. I’m very sorry for what I said the other day. I was way out of line.”
“It’s okay. You didn’t know.”
“A neighbor of ours had that. It’s a terrible disease.”
“It truly is.”
She picks up a pen from the counter and writes something on the pad Tom keeps there for when he gets work calls after hours. “I’m leaving you my number. If anything comes up, please call me. I can be here in twenty minutes.”
“I will. Try not to worry.”
“That’s easier said than done. This has brought up a lot of memories from when it happened to our dad.”
“I’m sure. PTSD is a bitch that way.”
“Definitely.”
“The good news is that Tom is on the road to recovery, and history didn’t repeat itself.” She takes a tentative glance toward him in the living room. “This time.”
“What do you mean?”
“It’s hard not to be worried about what the future holds for him after this.”
Great. Something else to worry about. “The doctors said he should make a full recovery, right?”
“Yes, but they said that about our aunt after her first incident. She dropped dead two years later from the same thing.”
This must be how Alice felt when the trapdoor to Wonderland opened under her.
“Lexi?”
It takes half a minute for me to realize she’s still talking to me. “I’m sorry. What did you say?”
“I asked if Tom told you about what happened to our aunt after she had the bypass surgery.”
“N-no, he didn’t.”
“It’s got to be a lot for you to hear after everything.”
All at once, I begin to wonder why she’s saying these things. Does she want me out of his life? Is that her goal? Because I’m not sure how to respond, I don’t say anything. I simply stare at her without blinking until she looks away.
“I should get going. Call if you need anything.”
“We’ll be fine.”
“Okay, sounds good.” She retrieves her purse and keys from the counter and goes to say goodbye to Tom while I remain riveted in place, still processing the information she so casually imparted.
I hear her leave and force myself to get it together, to push the anxiety aside to do what needs to be done for him, the way he’d do for me. I have no doubt about that. He’s always doing something for me, even though I’ve told him he doesn’t have to. He says he does things like make my lunch because he wants to, not because he feels he has to.
As much as I loved Jim, and I loved him with my whole heart and soul, he wasn’t one for making lunches or cooking meals.
“Lex? Are you still here?”
I take a deep breath, force a smile and return to the living room while the chicken finishes cooking.
The first thing I notice is that the blanket over him has shifted, revealing a pair of tan hospital socks with the grippy bottoms like the ones Jim wore every day of the last two years of his life. I grew to hate those socks and everything they represented. On the table next to him, the collection of prescription bottles is another triggering reminder of days gone by, even if the number is half the quantity of Jim’s.
“Hey.”
I glance at him.
“Everything okay with Cora?”
“Yeah. All good.”
“I hope she apologized for what she said to you the other day.”
“You heard about that, huh?”
“Yes, and I hit the roof. I filled her in on a few things she didn’t know.”
“She was very nice just now. I appreciated the apology.”
“I think she was surprised I hadn’t told her about Jim’s illness before now, but your business isn’t mine to share.”
“I wouldn’t have minded if you told her or anyone else in your life who should know.”
“Good to know.” He gives me a look that has my skin pebbling with goose bumps. “I missed you when I was in the hospital.”
“You saw me every day.”
“Never enough.”
Post-near-death Tom is much more forthcoming about how he feels. “Why do you look so spooked?” he asks.
“I’m trying not to equate all this,” I say, using my hand to encompass the chair, the meds, the goddamned socks, “with the past, but it’s hard.”
“I hate that I’ve resurrected painful memories for you. I’d never want to be responsible for that happening. I hope you know that.”
“I do. Of course I do.” I take a seat on one of the upholstered chairs. “Can I get you anything?”
“Nah, I’m good. And I’m able to get whatever I need.”
“I don’t mind doing it for you.”
“I’m perfectly capable of taking care of myself.”
“I know you are, but I’m offering to help you the same way you’ve helped me when I needed it. That’s what friends do for each other.”
“Friends don’t ask friends who’ve been traumatized in the past to reopen a wound for them.”
“I’m okay. I promise. Have there been some things that bring back upsetting memories? Yes, but I’m coping with that. I want to help you if you’ll let me.”
“This whole thing just pisses me off. It seemed like you were doing so much better lately, and then this had to happen to screw up everything.”
It amazes me that he has had those thoughts about me and my grief journey. But of course he has. That’s who he is. He pays attention. “I’ve been doing better, which means I’m much stronger than I was and able to face things that would’ve been impossible only a few months ago. I have you to thank for a lot of the healing I’ve been able to do since I moved in here.”
“How so?”
“For one thing, getting me out of my parents’ basement where we spent the last few years of Jim’s life was huge. Nothing good happened there, you know? We moved in there when it became impossible for me to care for him on my own anymore. I needed their help. Everywhere I looked in that space was a memory of something horrible. You’ll never know how much of a lifeline you extended to me with the offer of a place to live.”
“That was a somewhat selfish offer, you know.”
That shocks me. “What? No, it wasn’t.”
“Yes, it was. I’m ashamed to admit that I was—and am—quite smitten with you, and the thought of seeing you every day was a huge incentive.”
I have no idea what to say to that.
“Something about almost dying has filled me with truth serum or something. I hope that doesn’t offend you.”
“Not at all.” He’s never been anything other than a total gentleman with me. “You’ve been such an amazing friend when I really needed one.”
He gives me a playfully stricken look. “Am I stuck forever in the friend zone, then?”
“No, not at all.” I stifle my embarrassment to speak my truth. “Do you have any idea what level of crush I had on you back in the day?”
His eyes go wide with shock. “What? For real?”
“God yes. It was pathetic. You didn’t even know I was alive.”
“That is absolutely not true! I most definitely knew you were alive.”
Nothing has ever surprised me more than that does. “You did?”
“Hell yes, but you were so much younger than me. My parents held me back for an extra year going into kindergarten, so I was an almost-nineteen-year-old senior. You were fifteen, so my mom told me I was absolutely not going to date someone so much younger than me. But I certainly knew you were there.”
“I had no idea. I thought it was the most tragic unrequited crush in history.”
“Definitely not.”
“Wow,” I say with a laugh. “Who knew?”
“I did. I knew. And that night when we met up again for the first time since high school, it was rather amazing to realize I still had a massive crush on you all these years later. You were even lovelier than I remembered.”
“As I recall, I looked ridiculous, as I’d just come from the gym to have a drink before going home, and there you were.”
“You looked gorgeous.”
“Stop it.”
“I’m serious.”
Finding out he’d been aware of me in high school is a huge shock. I felt like I walked around with a sign taped to my back that said I Love Tom Hammett in those days.
“What are you smiling about?”
“I’m thinking about how silly I was over you back then. I felt like the whole world had to know I was crazy about one of the most popular guys in the school and how ridiculous I was.”
“You weren’t ridiculous. I remember you as a very serious student who played the flute and was the cutest member of the marching band.”
I cringe. “Said no one ever. Those uniforms were hideous.”
“Not on you.”
“Stop it.”
“I won’t stop it. You were adorable. I used to watch for you when the band took the field during halftime when I was supposed to be listening to what the coach was telling us.”
“If I’d known that then, I would’ve literally died on the spot to know you were watching me in that ridiculous uniform.”
“You rocked the uniform.”
“Now you’re just lying to my face.”
He laughs—hard—and then winces. “Don’t make me laugh.”
“Then don’t say ridiculous things!”
“Every word is the truth. I swear. I was this close to asking you to the senior prom, but my mother told me I absolutely could not ask a fifteen-year-old.”
His confessions have left me breathless. “I was almost sixteen.”
“Still. My mom wasn’t having it. She reminded me that I was a legal adult, and you were, technically, still a child, and I wasn’t taking you to a dance or going to be alone with you in a car. So I didn’t go, which made her really mad.”
“You’re making this up.”
“I am not! I swear to God.”
“You skipped your senior prom because you couldn’t take me?”
“I did.”
“Do you have any idea how much time I spent trying to figure out who you went with?”
He laughs again and then groans. “What’d I say about making me laugh?”
“Stop saying crazy stuff, then.”
“All true.”
“I can’t believe any of this. Wait until I tell my high school friends about this. They’ll die! They already can’t believe we’re roommates after the way I carried on about you back in the day. When I first moved in, one of them asked if they should arrange security for you.”
That makes him laugh again.
“Whoops. Sorry.”
He holds out a hand to me.
I stare at it for a long moment before I reach out to take what he’s offering.
“I think that for all this time, I’ve been secretly waiting and hoping I might run into you again sometime.”
“Really?”
He nods. “I’ve had a lot of girlfriends, but I never got seriously involved with anyone because none of them was you.”
“Tom.” I release a nervous laugh. “You’re medicated. Clearly, you’ve lost what’s left of your mind or something.”
Grinning, he shakes his head. “When I heard you’d gotten married, I was heartbroken.”
What in the hell am I supposed to say to that?
“People said he was a good guy, and you were happy, which mattered to me. But I was still heartbroken to know I’d missed out on knowing you.”
“I have no idea what to say to any of this.”
“You don’t have to say anything. I’m sorry if I lured you to my house under false pretenses.”
“You didn’t. I never would’ve guessed any of this, so you’ve done a good job of keeping the rest of the story under wraps.”
“You weren’t ready to hear this when you first moved in, or even a few months ago. I’m not sure when or if I would’ve told you if I hadn’t nearly bought the farm. Now, it just seems silly to keep that kind of secret from you any longer. But,” he quickly adds, “I’m certainly not expecting anything to change between us.”
Everything will change after this. How can he not know that?
“You’ve been through a lot. I’d never want to put pressure on you for something you’re not ready for, and after what happened this week, I’d totally understand if this is all too much for you.”
It is. It’s way too much. Didn’t I suspect that underneath all the lunches and the dinners and the sweet gestures to make me feel comfortable in my new home that something much deeper than friendship was lurking between us?
Now that I know for sure, I have no idea what to do with the information. High school Lexi would’ve been doing cartwheels in the front yard at hearing Tom Hammett liked her as much as she liked him. And we didn’t even know each other then. Not really. Not like we do now.
Everything I’ve learned about him in the months I’ve lived with him has only reinforced the fact that high school Lexi had excellent taste in men.
“Are you freaking out?” he asks after several minutes of charged silence. “Tell me the truth.”
“Not entirely.”
“But kind of?”
“Maybe a little? I’ve been in such a strange place since Jim died. Well, honestly, I’ve been in that strange place for much longer than that. Probably since he first started experiencing baffling symptoms that didn’t make sense until they added up to the worst possible thing.”
“I can’t begin to know how hard that must’ve been for you or what you’ve been through since he died. I know that what happened this week was super traumatic for you. But I promise I’m going to do everything the doctors have told me to do and take super good care of myself because Lexi Nelson is finally holding my hand, and that gives me everything to live for.”
“What’s in those meds you’re taking, anyway?”
He gave a careful chuckle. “It’s a relief to finally tell you the truth.”
“Does that mean I have to tell you the truth, too?”
“Only if you want to.”
I do. I want to. “I sort of knew you were hoping for more.”
His eyes widen in surprise. “Since when?”
“Basically since you offered me a room in your house. I mean, who does that out of the goodness of their heart?”
“I did! I swear.”
Now I laugh. “I know, but in light of all these confessions, you have to admit you had a tiny bit of ulterior motive.”
“Maybe this much.” He pinches his fingers together. “But after you told me about having to live in the place where your husband was so ill and where he died, I wanted to get you out of there. That was my top priority in offering you the room.”
“It’s made such a huge difference in my ability to move on with my life to get out of that house. Not that I don’t love my parents with my whole heart.”
“I know you do—and they do, too. What the three of you did for Jim was heroic, but it took a toll on all of you. Remember the first time I met your folks, when your dad and I walked down to the river while you and your mom had dessert?”
I nod. “What about it?”
“He thanked me for what I’d done by asking you to be my roommate. He said it was a badly needed change and that he and your mom really appreciate knowing you’re with someone who’ll look out for you. Not that you need looking out for, he quickly added. But I knew what he meant. He was glad to see you were with a friend who cared.”
I can’t believe my normally taciturn dad said all that. “Wow. That’s amazing. Thank you for telling me that. Part of me has felt like I abandoned them or something when I moved out.”
“They don’t see it that way. It’s probably a relief for them to see you moving on.”
“Yeah, I’m sure it is.”
“I want you to know something else that I’ve already told you once, but I want to be sure you know I mean it.”
“What’s that?”
“Since you moved in, I’ve tried very hard to be respectful of what you’ve been through and what you’re continuing to deal with. I’d never want you to think that you owe me anything other than your friendship. If we were never anything more than good friends, that would be fine with me.”
“Is that right?”
“Uh-huh.”
“You wouldn’t be bummed if we were only friends?”
“I’d be super bummed, but you’d never see that.”
I’m still holding his hand—or I should say he’s still holding mine. “You’ve been nothing but respectful and incredibly thoughtful and such a great friend. The lunches, the dinners, the coffee… Hell, you even took my car for gas before that snowstorm. That was way above and beyond the call of roommate duty.”
“I like doing stuff for you, and I appreciate you doing the laundry and cleaning way more than this house has ever been cleaned before you moved in.”
“That’s the least I can do in exchange for the room.”
“Not sure if you’ve noticed or not, but we make a pretty good team.”
“I’ve noticed.”
“Again, no pressure, no expectations, no need to bite your bottom lip.”
I didn’t realize I was doing that until he drew my attention to it.
“Nothing has to change, but I feel better that you know how much I care about you.”
“I care about you. Just as much. When I saw you on the floor that night…” I shake my head.
He winces.
“I was so scared I’d lost you before I ever got the chance to tell you how much you mean to me.”
“I knew.”
“How did you know?”
His smile makes his tired eyes twinkle. “Guys know these things.”
I give him a skeptical look. “Guys do, huh?”
“Yep.” He gives my hand a squeeze. “Seriously, though, sometimes you look at me as if there’s something else you want to say, but you always think better of it.”
Wow, and not only is he observant, but he’s also insightful. “You’re not wrong.”
“I hope you know you can say whatever you want to me, and I’ll always be glad to hear what’s on your mind.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“I am.”
“The mind of a grieving widow isn’t always a fun place to hang out.”
“I’m interested in anything you want to talk about, even the hard stuff.”
“You’ve got enough on your plate right now without taking on my grief, too.”
“I’d like to think I took on your grief months ago. I’m well aware that Jim and the grief over his illness and death are part of who you are now, and I thought I just told you how much I like who you are.”
“You’ve given me a lot to think about.”
“Have I scared the crap out of you? Are you already thinking about how fast you can move out of here?”
I love that he makes me laugh. It’s been such a long time since I laughed as much as I do with him. “The only thing that scared the crap out of me was when you were unresponsive. Don’t do that again.”
“I won’t.”
“How do you feel about salad with grilled chicken for dinner?”
“That sounds good. And healthy.”
“We’re all about healthy around here.”
“That’s right.”
“You’ve got to let go of my hand so I can get it.”
“What if I don’t wanna let go? It took me a long, long time to be able to hold your hand.”
“What if I let you hold it again later?”
“Is that a promise?”
“It could be.” I’m not sure where this flirty girl is coming from. I haven’t seen her in years.
“All right, since you promised, I’ll let you go.”
Smiling, I get up and go into the kitchen to finish dinner, thinking about all the things he said and trying to figure out how I feel about them. I’m astonished to know he had a crush on me in high school. I can’t wait to tell my friends that. They won’t believe it. I wonder how my life might’ve been different if I’d known that then.
But if I had known, I might never have met and fallen for Jim in college. The thought of missing out on him and us is heartbreaking. We had a wonderful five years before disaster struck. They were the best years of my life so far, and I’ll never regret them, even knowing what was coming.
Life is so freaking weird. Just when you think you have it figured out…
As I cut up the chicken and toss the salad, I’m not thinking about Jim. I’m thinking about Tom and the things he said and the sincerity I heard in every word. I believe him when he tells me he’s cared about me for a long time, even though I didn’t know that. He didn’t go to his senior prom because he couldn’t ask me!
Now that I do know how he felt, however, I’m filled with a kind of giddy excitement that I haven’t felt in ages. I’ve been so dead inside, slogging through years of terminal illness as well as Jim’s tragic, premature death and the devastating aftermath.
It’s such a relief to feel something other than awful. Not even what Cora said about their aunt dying two years after her bypass can bring me down tonight.
I have no idea if anything will come of this new stage of my relationship with Tom, and I’m still seriously unsettled about his health situation, but for right now, today, it feels damn good to feel good again.