Chapter 16
16
Lexi
“Even in the middle of this massive crisis, I still worried about my dad dying.”
“Anxiety is ridiculous that way. One of Cora’s kids has had a rough time with it.”
“It sure is, and I’m sorry to hear that.”
“She’s doing better than she was. Good meds help.”
“They sure do.”
“So you moved in with your folks.”
“We did. All our friends helped. The hardest part was getting rid of things Jim had loved but would never use again, while he was still alive, like his baseball glove, his hockey skates, the Mustang. That was gut-wrenching. I did it after we’d moved him to my parents’ house so he wouldn’t be there to see it go.”
“That must’ve been awful for you.”
“When I look back at the entire nightmare, that day definitely stands out as one of the roughest. We were dismantling his life while he was still here. One of my friends is a whiz at selling things online. She sold everything and got as much as she could for all of it, which was such a blessing at the time, as we were faced with both of us being out of work.”
“Thank you for sharing that with me. It means a lot to me that you’d trust me with your story.”
“I’d understand if my neurosis and grief are too much to take on.”
“It’s not too much. You know what came through loud and clear to me as you were sharing that?”
“What?”
“How deeply you love the people you care about. How lucky your dad is that you love him so much, you can’t imagine life without him. How lucky Jim was to have a wife who saw to his every need and took tender care of him through a horrific illness. A lot of people would’ve run from that. You never blinked.”
“I did, though. I blinked a lot. There were so many days when I thought I couldn’t do it anymore.”
“But you never ran from it. Not once.”
“Maybe once or twice.”
“Did you always go back?”
“Yeah.”
“Then that doesn’t count as running.”
“I could never have left him for long.”
“The people you love are very lucky, Lexi. I hope you see that.”
“Thank you.”
“I loved having that little peek inside your life with Jim and to know more about him. I keep going back to him memorizing the names of all your kids each year.”
“The first time he did that, I was so shocked. He’d found the printout on my desk and committed it to memory. I think he had their names memorized before I did.”
“That’s the sweetest thing.”
“He’d want me to tell you that he could also be a dick when he wanted to be.”
Tom laughs. “I find that hard to believe.”
“We had some spectacular fights. Mostly because, despite all his fitness, he still liked to drink like he did in college. That drove me mad. I hated it.”
“I can see how that’d be a problem.”
“He never had another sip of alcohol after his diagnosis. The doctors strongly recommended he not drink because that would only make him more prone to falls. He’d been badly injured three times in falls by then, so they didn’t have to tell him that twice. He lost everything, one thing at a time.”
“He never lost you, and I’m sure he’d say you were the most important thing in his life.”
“Yes, he would’ve said that. I never had any doubt that he loved me madly.”
“I hope you have no doubt by now that I do, too.”
“Tom…”
“Maybe this isn’t the right time to say it, but it’s true, Lexi. I love you. I love hearing how much you loved Jim and how sweet your life was with him, and I want you to know that he’ll always be part of whatever you and I are together. He’s part of you, and I love every part of you.”
By now, tears are running unchecked down my face as this man who’s been such an extraordinary friend shares his heart with me. “I love you, too.”
“You don’t have to say that just because I did.”
“I never would unless I truly meant it, and I truly do. What you said about Jim being part of us shows me everything I’ll ever need to know about how you understand what it’s like to be involved with a widow.”
“I get it, Lex. He’s as much a part of you as your curly hair and the sweet dimple that shows up right here when you smile big.” He touches his finger to the spot. “He’s in your heart and soul, and I love your heart and soul. I think I’ve loved you since I was eighteen years old.”
“Tom...”
“I never forgot you. I thought about you far more often than I should have, even after I heard you’d gotten married. I wondered what might’ve been different if I’d defied my mother’s orders and asked you out in high school.”
“I probably would’ve wet my pants or something equally embarrassing if you asked me out then.”
That makes him laugh hard. “I think you would’ve held up just fine.”
“I would’ve melted down for sure. Ask any of my high school friends.”
“I’ll do that the next time we see them.”
“They’ll tell you… I would’ve been taken away in an ambulance if you ever even looked at me, let alone talked to me or asked me out.”
“It was like that, was it?”
“Yeah, it was pretty bad.”
“And now? What’s the crush-o-meter reading looking like?”
“Definitely inching toward the danger zone. Some days, I still can’t believe I live with Tom Hammett, that I’m friends with Tom Hammett, that I kissed Tom Hammett.”
“You’re best friends with Tom Hammett, and he can’t wait to kiss you as much and as often as he possibly can for the rest of his life.”
“That could be a long time.”
“I hope it’s so long that we’re chasing each other around the nursing home someday and causing scandals with our outrageous behavior.”
I lose it laughing at the picture he paints.
“Can I ask you something else?” he says when I quit laughing.
“Sure.”
“Do you want to have kids?”
“Oh man, I used to want them more than anything, but now? I don’t know anymore. After years of intense caregiving, the thought of taking full-time care of anything, even a pet, feels a bit overwhelming to me.”
“That’s fair enough.”
“What about you?”
“I always pictured myself having a family someday, but as I inch closer to forty, I’m not sure I want to be sixty with kids in college.”
“I hear sixty is the new forty.”
“Sure it is. It also means working until I’m seventy to pay for it all.”
“That’s true.”
“But if you were interested, I’d be down for it. I’d never want to deny you something you want.”
“I haven’t thought about that in such a long time that I’m not even sure how I feel about it anymore. It felt like one more thing that was lost to Jim’s illness, you know?”
“I see what you mean, but we’re both still young enough to make it happen if we decide to go for it. I’d work until I was eighty if it helped to make your dreams come true.”
“Just so you know, whoever is writing your material is spot-on. They know just what to say to me.”
“Haha, all my own original work, I’ll have you know.”
My phone chimes with a text from Iris. She rarely texts us this late. “Do you mind if I check that?”
“Of course not. Go for it.”
The text is to the full Wild Widows group. We’ve got two new people interested in joining our ranks. I thought it might be nice to do more of a mixer sort of thing where we bring friends and make it more social than widow-focused to introduce them to our group. Gage and I were already thinking about doing a get-together for everyone next weekend, so we could invite them to join us? What do you guys think?
Brielle has already replied. I love that idea. That way, they can see how close and welcoming we all are, and the rest of us can get to know some of the new SOs. Hello, Tom Terrific, I’m talking to you!
Iris responds: Wait, Tom Terrific? What’d I miss?
Joy: Single-girl outing tonight, and a nickname for Lexi’s “roommate” was born.
Iris: Oh, I do so love that! LOL
Me: So does he. HAHAHA. Love the idea, Iris. Count us in and let us know what we can bring.
I turn to Tom. “How do you feel about going to a Wild Widows party on Saturday night?”
“I feel very good about that. I’d love to get to know your friends.”
“They’re very interested in getting to know Tom Terrific, too.”
“That name is gonna stick, isn’t it?”
“I believe so. And PS, you’ve earned it, so enjoy it.”
“I plan to enjoy every minute of it.”
Tom
Tonight was one of the best nights of my life, and all we did was talk after she got home from dinner with her friends. I’ve had more romantic dates with other women that ended up in bed, but no one has ever touched my heart and soul the way Lexi does. The things she told me about her relationship with Jim and what they went through during his illness will stay with me forever.
As we attempt to watch a movie that neither of us is all that interested in, I think about him falling down a set of concrete stairs and her getting that call while at school.
Her head is on my shoulder as I run my fingers through her curls. I love being close to her like this, even if all we do is snuggle. As I breathe in the scent that’s so uniquely hers, all I want is more. I want everything with her.
I want to protect her from anything that could ever hurt her again, especially myself. I’ll never eat another french fry or pizza again if it means staying healthy for her, so she never has to go through losing another man she loves. I’ll hit the gym seven days a week. Whatever it takes to be there for her long term.
After I yawn, Lexi raises her head off my shoulder. “You should get to bed.”
“Are you coming with me?”
“Only if you want me to.”
“Duh.”
I love that smile. I’ll do anything to see it as much as I can every day. I want her smiling, happy, joyful, looking ahead to all we have to look forward to.
We disentangle from each other and get up to head to my room. Or is it our room now? I like the sound of that. I, who never wanted anyone invading my personal space, was ready to turn over the keys to my kingdom to her the day she first moved in.
She gets into bed while I use the bathroom and brush my teeth.
I get in bed and turn to face her. “You’re too far away over there.”
“You need your rest.”
“I need you more.”
She scoots closer, but not close enough.
I reach for her, and she moves into my embrace.
“Good?”
“Much better. If you kissed me, it would be better still.”
“You’re supposed to be resting and convalescing.”
“Nowhere in the instructions does it say that kissing is forbidden.”
“It says sexual activity is forbidden. Kissing is sexual activity.”
“Say ‘sexual activity’ one more time.”
“Stop!”
“Make me. There’s only one way to shut me up, and you have the power.”
“I suppose I have to do what must be done if there’s any prayer of getting some sleep tonight.”
“That’s the spirit.”
She’s smiling when she raises herself on an elbow and presses her lips to mine. “There. Now shut up and go to sleep.”
Before she can get away, I hook an arm around her neck and turn us so I’m on top of her, gazing down at her lovely face. “Not so fast, love.” I skim my lips gently over hers, mindful that I’m the first man she’s been with this way since she lost her husband. I want to make sure she’s comfortable with what’s happening.
I take it nice and slow until her arms come around my neck and her mouth opens to my tongue. Then it’s game on .
Kissing her is like coming home to the place I was always meant to end up. I can’t help the feeling of fate or kismet or whatever you want to call it that put us in the same place at the same time that night we first connected, years after we nursed fierce but secret crushes on each other.
Maybe it was her beloved Jim who steered her my way, knowing I would treasure her the way he did. Whatever it was that brought us to this moment, I’m deeply thankful for it.
“Tom.”
“Hmm.” I kiss her neck and gently nibble on the tendon at the base of her neck.
She gasps as her legs curl around my hips. “We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“I’m fine. I swear to God. I’m fine, and I’m going to be fine. Nothing has ever been better than being with you this way, Lex.”
I can tell she’s torn between wanting the same thing I do and making sure I’m not doing too much too soon. I’m going to follow the doctors’ orders. There’ll be no sex until at least the fourteen-day mark. But there’s plenty we can do in the meantime.
Her hands are on my back, under my T-shirt, making me shiver with desire. “I promise I won’t overexert myself, okay?”
“Okay.”
I push up her T-shirt to reveal full breasts with dark pink nipples.
Sitting back on my heels, I pull my shirt over my head and then help her out of hers. “God, that feels so good.” The feel of her breasts against my chest is like heaven, especially with my hard cock pressed against the heat between her legs.
This has got to be what heaven would feel like, I decide, as I run my tongue over her left nipple before tugging it into my mouth.
She grabs a fistful of my hair and lets out a sound that’s pure need.
Christ have mercy. I want her like I’ve never wanted anything in my entire life.
Then her hands are inside my pajama pants, pulling me tighter against her as she chases a release that erupts from her like a sob as she says my name on a long moan.
Hottest thing ever .
I continue to move against her, riding the waves of her release but not allowing myself to follow her. I promised I wouldn’t overdo it.
She takes a deep breath and releases it on a shaky-sounding exhale. “Wow.”
“My thoughts exactly.”
“You didn’t… I mean, you probably shouldn’t…”
I kiss her. “No worries. You can make it up to me later.”
She laughs. “Are you going to keep a tab?”
“You bet your ass I am.”
Lexi
I’m on edge the entire next day after the sexy interlude in Tom’s bed last night. It’s like I’m coming back to life after a long, cold, lonely winter. His touch sets me on fire, which, of course, I already knew, which is why I told him we shouldn’t get too close in bed. I knew what would happen when I moved closer to him, but I can’t say I regret it.
If only I wasn’t so worried about him having a setback.
He starts cardiac rehab today and is going to drive himself, which I’m not sure I like, but he insisted he’s perfectly fine and ready to get back to normal.
Watching him drive off in his truck reminds me of when Jim insisted on driving long after he shouldn’t have been. It had taken a near miss with a minivan full of kids to get him to finally admit what I and others had known for a while by then—it wasn’t safe for him to drive anymore.
Everything about Tom’s situation is different. Unlike with ALS, where every loss was permanent, Tom is expected to make a full recovery. When he says he feels fine, I have to try to believe him and stop anticipating disaster. Anxiety is preprogrammed into my DNA. I need to keep in mind that this is not the same as it was with Jim, which is easier said than done.
To keep busy while he’s gone, I do a load of laundry for both of us and then get out my laptop to check my email and begin the dreaded job search once again.
I read the email from the HR director at my former company, detailing the same information about severance and benefits that Erika outlined during our meeting. I reply to thank the woman who sent it and then read an email from Nora, the volunteer coordinator at the local ALS chapter. I’ve done some work with the support groups and been involved with several fundraisers. The organization was such a lifeline to us when Jim was sick that I feel like it’s the least I can do to pay back some of the kindness.
Hi, Lexi,
I wanted to let you know that I’ll be leaving the organization at the end of this month to have my first children (twin girls—ack, wish me luck!). I’m reaching out to some of our more engaged volunteers to ascertain whether you’d have any interest in a job with us. We’re actively recruiting for my position as well as several others that have opened up in recent months. Your contributions on both the support group and fundraising sides of the house have been substantial, and your firsthand experience with ALS would make you such a valuable resource to families just receiving this devastating diagnosis.
I read the paragraph twice because I can hardly believe I’m being offered a job right when I lost mine. Is that Jim at work on my behalf once again? I wouldn’t put it past him. However, I’m just not sure I have the emotional bandwidth to immerse myself in an all-ALS-all-the-time life.
Nora acknowledges that possibility in her second paragraph.
I will totally understand if this opportunity is not for you. As someone who’s lived this experience, it may be healthier for you to remain an occasional volunteer rather than a more active participant. Either way, I want you to know how thankful I am for your many contributions and that your story—and your husband’s—is one that will stay with me long after I’ve moved on from this position.
If you’re interested in hearing more, please reach out at your earliest convenience. The board is hoping to have someone in place shortly before my last day as the need for what we provide unfortunately continues.
All my best,
Nora
I’m stunned and honored to have been asked, but also hesitant. I have no idea how to respond, so I save the message as new to deal with after I’ve had some time to think about how best to reply.