33
A fter our hike, Caleb and I hang out at the beach, sprawled out on wrinkled, sandy towels, only getting up for the necessities (gelato). The sun hangs lazily in the sky, casting everything in the perfect peachy hue. Caleb reads a tattered old paperback he found in a Little Free Library in London, while I pretend to read a thriller.
I think about what I’d be going home to. It’s a blank slate. I feel a glaring pressure to fill it with something I’m passionate about. Something worth deferring college for. I’d have to find a more permanent job. Bianca will be back home, a couple hours away, for the rest of summer, and who knows if we’ll even hang out next year if I’m no longer a student. And then I’d have to deal with the disappointment of how things played out with Teller, not to mention him leaving and probably getting back together with Sophie.
Caleb and I haven’t had adequate time yet to figure out where we go from here. Staying for a few extra weeks probably isn’t a terrible idea. We need to figure things out between us. He is my soulmate, after all.
As the sun goes down, he runs into the water with his clothes still on and I follow. It’s exhilarating, impulsive, a surge of childlike joy. I want to remember this moment forever. The sprinkle of colored houses stacked along the rocky cliffside, glowing and sun-tinted. The glimmer on the surface of the water when the sun hits it just right. The shock of the cold water enveloping my body. This is how Caleb makes me feel—free.
And yet, when he pulls me to him and kisses me, I don’t feel that same electric spark. When we first kissed in Rome, it felt like I could lose myself in him entirely. It’s still nice, but it’s like I’m going through the motions. Because I’m supposed to. Because this is what’s destined to happen.
Is that why there’s a dullness when we touch? Is that why I don’t catalog the way the pads of his fingers feel against my cheek, or the taste of his mouth as he slides his tongue against mine? Because it feels predetermined? There’s a disconnect, like we’re kissing and touching through a barrier, dulling the experience.
When he pulls back and smiles at me, my mind surges with intrusive thoughts. Teller’s face. Teller’s lips. Teller’s eyes. I’m overthinking this. I’m too in my head after everything. Too in my head to give Caleb my full attention.
We part ways shortly after getting out of the water but not before I invite him on the catamaran excursion tomorrow that Mei booked. When I get back to the Airbnb, Mei is still awake, on her phone, propped up by pillows against the headboard. I quickly change out of my wet clothes and into my muumuu.
“Nice night?” she asks, scrutinizing my new outfit. She doesn’t say anything, though I can tell by the crease between her brows she thinks it’s hideous. She’d be horrified that I paid full price.
“Yeah,” I say, though I don’t know if I sound convincing.
She raises her brow. “You’re not happy. What’s wrong?”
She’s right. I should be happier than ever. Why don’t I feel happy? It’s like a funhouse. Everything is technically where it should be but a little off. Ajar. Crooked.
“Well, I hate school. I’m thinking of deferring,” I say, finally feeling brave enough to admit it.
“That’s why your life line is splintered!” Her eyes go wide like she’s cracked a puzzle.
My shoulders drop in shame. “I really tried all year to give it a chance. But I just can’t do it anymore. It didn’t feel right, being there. Even while applying for colleges, everyone else made getting accepted their whole world. I never really cared because I never felt like it was what I was supposed to be doing. But I felt this obligation.”
“See? You’re more intuitive than you thought. I’m proud of you for following your gut. For having the courage to go against the grain and not just blindly doing what you think you’re supposed to. Not many people your age can do that.”
“It’s not like it’s gotten me anywhere. I have no idea what I’m doing with my life—” I pause, sucking in a deep breath. “Do you think Mom would have been disappointed?” According to my aunts, my mom was the nerd of the sisters. She loved school.
Mei doesn’t hesitate to shake her head. “Not at all. Hon, you’re only nineteen years old. You have a lot of time to figure life out. Look at Aunt Ellen. She went to teachers college at thirty-two. It’s never too late to find your passion. Your mom would have supported that.”
“You know who won’t be as supportive ...”
“I’ll handle your dad when the time comes,” she vows. “What else is going on?” she asks, still sensing I’m a total mess.
“Things with Caleb feel weird now. It’s hard to explain. I like him. A lot. He’s literally the blueprint of my perfect guy. His personality, his looks, all eleven out of ten,” I add. “We have everything in common. Same interests, same views on most things. I always feel on top of the world when I’m with him. Like, I’m inspired to do more, see more, experience everything. He makes me want to live my best life. And he has feelings for me too. Big feelings.”
“But now?”
“I’m scared I don’t like him as much as I should.” Heavy from the weight of it all, I rest my head on her lap.
She runs her fingers through my hair. “You’ve only known each other a few weeks. A soulmate doesn’t mean instant fireworks. Sometimes it takes a while to develop a connection.”
“Fair. But when we first met, I thought we had that electric connection. Now it feels like it’s faded. I don’t know where that feeling went.”
“You know what, we need to call Ellen.”
We ring Ellen and luckily, she picks up. “You better not send me one more picture of your delicious food. Do you know how cruel that is? I’m a very pregnant woman!”
“Hi, Aunt Ellen,” I say.
“Oh, hey, Lo.” She perks up knowing I’m here too. Mei prods me to explain everything to Ellen.
“Do you think you could love Caleb?” she asks.
“I mean, I don’t really know. Is that bad? Shouldn’t I automatically love my soulmate?”
“Ellen, this reminds me of Hank,” Mei says. Hank is Ellen’s husband. “Remember how hard it was to pin him down?”
Ellen laughs. “I knew he was The One when we met. But he wasn’t interested in marriage or children. It took me, what ... three years to make him fall in love with me?”
“It did? So it wasn’t instant?”
“Nope. Not at all. Fate doesn’t have a sell-by date,” Ellen says.
Mei agrees. “Just because we know someone might be our soulmate doesn’t mean we don’t have to work at it.”
“We have to build that connection from the ground up, just like everyone else. But the work doesn’t feel like work when it’s the right person.”
Maybe they’re right. Maybe I just need to give things more time with Caleb. Maybe those extra few weeks are crucial.
I think about how long it took Teller and I to build a friendship. We certainly didn’t like each other instantly. Our connection took time to build. Maybe that’s what I need with Caleb. Time.
“Oh, speaking of. Caleb asked me to stay a few extra weeks.” I say a few extra weeks casually, but it feels anything but casual. Because those few extra weeks really symbolize something else—a massive decision. A decision that is going to affect the trajectory of my entire life. The decision to honor the vision and, therefore, fate.
“I think you absolutely should. You need extra time to get to know each other,” Ellen says, like it’s no big deal.
“But you’re due next month! Who else is gonna sanitize all your bottles and pump parts?” I protest. We’d already agreed that when the baby is born, I’d go over and help out with chores and cooking, just like I did when Maisey was born two years ago.
Ellen rubs her belly. “As much as I’d love your help, you can’t leave Italy just because of me. Baby will be here to meet you whenever you decide to come back.”
Mei nods in agreement.
“Do you think Mom would have wanted me to stay?” I ask.
“Your mom would have absolutely loved Caleb,” Mei says, unable to contain her smile.
“Really?”
“She was obsessed with travel too. I imagine they could have talked for hours and hours about it. He would have charmed the socks off her in two seconds flat.”
It’s bittersweet, knowing Mom would have loved my soulmate but also dealing with the reality that I’ll never know for sure. I’ll never get to experience that—Caleb meeting my mom for the first time, giving her flowers, trying to make her laugh.
Ellen clears her throat. “In the end, it doesn’t matter what your mom would have wanted. It’s about fate.”
I take a deep exhale, exhausted from the mental gymnastics. It feels like life is extending its hand and pulling me through another doorway, onto a path that just makes sense .
Why would I pass up the opportunity to travel and explore? Why would I pass up happiness with the person I’m destined to be with? And for what? Going home to my directionless, Teller-less life?
Mei places an assuring hand on my shoulder. “This is where you’re supposed to be, Lo.”