42
B eing back home after so many months abroad feels like stepping into an alternate dimension. I can still smell the garlicky aroma wafting from trattorias, hear the echoes of bustling markets, smell the fresh air of the Alps.
Home is different too. The living room now has decorative throw pillows. Cute little tea towels and potted plants have replaced Dad’s Marvel figures in the kitchen. All Scheana’s doing.
I finally meet her the day after I get back. She looks nothing like a scientist, not that scientists need to have a particular look. If I had to guess her occupation based on appearance alone, I’d assume she’s a children’s librarian or schoolteacher, with her bright-Grinch-green dress and jingly, light-up mini-Christmas-light necklace.
She’s also extroverted, if her massive hug tells anything. “I can’t believe I’m finally meeting you in the flesh. Though I feel like I already know you. Your dad doesn’t shut up about you,” she squeals into my ear.
“Honestly, same. Dad says you write romance novels,” I say.
She lights up immediately and we fall into a half-hour talk about her top ten romance book starter recommendations, her author friend’s book that’s been adapted on Amazon Prime, and how newer rom-coms just don’t hit the same way. I could probably talk to her for hours about Hugh Grant.
I can’t help but smile as Dad sneaks up behind her, placing his hand around her waist. It’s strange to see him this way, smitten and starry-eyed, after all these years of him just being, well, my dad. But she’s exactly the kind of person he needs. Someone to pull him out of his shell, force him out of the house. She also isn’t afraid to poke fun at his corny humor without being too harsh. Most of all, I’m grateful Dad has someone to watch true crime with and who makes him so happy.
Dad and Scheana leave on Christmas Eve, so I head to Ellen’s. She lives in the brownstone that used to belong to my grandparents—the house my mom grew up in. Ellen goes all out with the festivities to make up for lost time. Christmas in the Zhao family is a relatively new tradition. My grandparents didn’t celebrate it until the girls were old enough to realize that other kids got visits from Santa. Ellen has festive headbands for all, reindeer antlers and little snowmen on springs. The house is an explosion of multicolored lights coiled around every banister and taped to each window. She even has two trees, both draped in sheets of silver tinsel.
Following Christmas Eve tradition, Hank has the karaoke machine out and everyone is fighting for a turn on the mic. This year is a little more chaotic than usual, with Ellen juggling five-month-old baby Rosie and shuffling after Maisey. Apparently, her newest thing is running full-steam around the house with her eyes shut. And this year, Ellen invited our extended family.
There’s my sassy great-aunt, who’s eighty-seven and doing shots of eggnog and Baileys with Hank in the kitchen. Then there are my two second cousins and their families, both of whom are in their forties and happily married to their soulmates, at least I think they are. The moment they start peppering me with questions about my vision and Caleb, it becomes clear they’ve come specifically to celebrate me finding The One. I suppose this is my fault for not telling Ellen and Mei that things didn’t work out.
I provide quite a few half-hearted, noncommittal responses over the Christmas music blasting from the fireplace TV channel until it all gets to be too much. It’s time to tell them.
I usher Mei and Ellen into Maisey’s pink bedroom for some privacy. It’s a strange place to have a serious family discussion; Mei and I are squished together on Maisey’s polka-dot trundle bed among a sea of stuffed animals, while Ellen paces around the room, rocking a sleeping Rosie, expertly evading all the toys on the fluffy rug. We’ve insisted she sit down in the nursing chair by the window, but she’s “feeling too Christmasy” to relax.
“What’s up? You’re not engaged already, are you?” Mei asks.
“I’m not engaged,” I assure her, though what I’m about to say is equally outlandish. “It doesn’t have anything to do with me. Well, technically it does. But—”
Ellen raises a brow at Mei. “Does this have to do with your vision?”
Mei gives her a warning look and shakes her head, like I wasn’t supposed to know.
“Vision? What vision?” I ask.
Mei waves my words away like pesky flies. “Oh, it’s really nothing, sweetheart.”
I hold firm. “You’re keeping something from me.”
Mei sighs. “Fine. When you were in Italy, I had a vision about you. It’s hard to explain, but you were in a forest. A dense forest that was closing in. You were panicking, trying to decide where to go.”
I swallow. “That sounds intense.”
“It was. There were two options. One lit pathway that felt familiar, safe. And the other path was dark, twisty, but felt exciting.”
“Which path did I choose?”
Mei’s eyes dart to the floor. “Um ... the forest swallowed you before you could decide. That’s the real reason I came to Italy. I knew you needed support. I called Ellen immediately and booked my ticket. Then, of course, your dad found out I was going and had to tag along.”
“Wow” is all I can say. I think about what the rest of the trip would have been like if Dad and Mei hadn’t shown up. While I might have handled everything alone, I wouldn’t have done it well. Having them there meant everything to me.
“Anyway, what were you going to tell us?” Mei asks, snapping me back to the issue at hand.
I pause for dramatic effect before coming out with it. “Dad wasn’t Mom’s soulmate.”
I’m met with two sets of blank stares.
“Dad wasn’t Mom’s soulmate,” I repeat, as though the world just glitched and they didn’t catch what I said.
Mei is the first to utter a word, which is a cross between “What the eff?” and “Are you kidding?” She crunches her face, hands steepled in front of her.
Ellen just stands there, blinking and still rocking Rosie. There’s a stretch of silence so long that Mei actually clears her throat, stumbling on words to try to fill the space until Ellen cuts her off. “What do you mean they weren’t soulmates? That’s impossible. Kim had a vision of your dad.”
I explain everything Dad told me, about how they met, fell in love, and lied about the vision.
Ellen shakes her head. “I just can’t believe Kim would lie to us like that. And for that many years.”
“Dad said she didn’t want to, but she didn’t think she had a choice,” I tell them.
“We would have supported whatever she wanted,” Ellen says, clearly offended.
Mei shoots her a look. “Would we have supported her? Mom certainly wouldn’t have approved.”
Ellen considers that. “True. Mom would have freaked out. She was always warning us about what would happen if we didn’t abide by our destiny when we were kids, remember?”
“You end up like Cousin Lin if you not careful , ” Mei says in my grandmother’s accent.
“Honestly, I don’t blame her for lying,” Ellen decides.
They go back and forth rehashing everything, from Mom’s vision, to when she first told them about Dad, to their first interaction with Dad at a family mahjong night. I get the sense they’re treating it delicately, because what’s done is done. If Mom hadn’t deviated, I wouldn’t be here, which Ellen points out before rushing into the kitchen to deal with an icing-bag explosion.
I drape myself over the tiny mattress, nearly smoking my head on the wood slated footboard. “I feel like an illegitimate child or something.”
Mei chuckles. “Well, you are the first non-soulmate child in the family.”
I blink, taking that in. Non-soulmate child. Suddenly, it occurs to me. “Do you think that’s why I’m cursed and talentless? Maybe this is Mom’s punishment for being with Dad. Me.”
She gives me a swift swat on the knee. “First, you are not cursed. There’s no such thing.”
“Fine. Doomed to eternal loneliness. Whatever.”
“No one is doomed. In my opinion, it’s all been blown out of proportion, all this whole folklore.”
“Really?”
“That’s why I never told you about it. Why I didn’t want Ellen freaking you out for no reason. I mean, let’s think statistically here. This has only happened twice. First Great-Aunt Shu was a recluse and lived across the country. No one was close enough to her to know what was really going on in her life. Your grandmother used to tell her story, but it would change every time. Her cause of death, her occupation. She’d be a farmer one time, and next a fisherman.”
“But what about Cousin Lin?”
Mei crosses her legs and leans forward. “Let me tell you about Cousin Lin. Everyone likes to talk about how miserable she was, but I disagree. Did she have a hard couple of years? Of course. Who wouldn’t be a little depressed after getting hit by a bus and losing their house and money? But she wasn’t miserable. In fact, she made the best of things. She enjoyed gardening and was even part of a bird-watching group. One time, your mom and I asked her if she wanted to get married. And you know what she said?”
“What?”
“She said she wanted to be alone. That she chose her life. That she didn’t need one person to make her happy. She said her family and friends fulfilled her. And I don’t think she was just trying to save face. I truly think that’s what made her happiest. She knew no one else understood, but she didn’t care. She wanted to live life on her own terms.”
“Wow. So Lin was actually a super progressive badass?”
She nods. “A total badass. But the point is, there is no consequence. Or curse. Or whatever. You’re free to live your life exactly as you see fit.”
I lower my gaze. “That’s exactly it, though. Even if I’m not alone, I’m a massive disappointment.”
“How could you say something like that? You’ve had two visions.”
“Okay, but you guys have visions daily. I’ve had two . In my whole life. And up until a few months ago, I was the only woman in our entire family not to have the gift. I know how frustrated you and Ellen were that summer you first tried to mentor me. And I already know my dad wishes I stuck with forensics. I’ve disappointed literally everyone.”
Mei shakes her head. “I still remember the day you said your first word. Your mom put you on the phone and you said something that sounded like ‘Bubhuh,’ which your mom was convinced was ‘Mama.’” She smiles toward the frosted window, face lit with nostalgia. “Between you and me, it sounded nothing like ‘Mama,’ but I let her have it.”
I can’t help but tear up, thinking of the photo of my infant self in my mom’s arms.
“When you were born, your grandfather made a joke about you being a scientist like your parents. And you know what your mom said?”
“What?”
“She didn’t care if you were dumb as rocks, as long as you were a good, kind person. Not that you’re a dummy, or anything of the sort.” Our teary eyes catch and she wraps her arm around my shoulder. “But you are the kindest, most good-hearted young woman I know. You have to stop being so hard on yourself. We love you for who you are, not what you do.”
I blow the air from my cheeks, running my finger over a loose thread on the bedspread. “It’s just, everyone used to talk about how talented Mom was. It felt like an unspoken expectation that I’d follow in her footsteps. And finally, when I had my vision, it felt like I might be. But after all those years of wishing to have these abilities and knowing who my soulmate was, it didn’t feel like I dreamed it would. I felt ... I feel ... suffocated by it.”
“I understand how you feel. There was a period when I had a lot of resentment toward the family gift.”
“You did?” Mei has always struck me as so proud of our legacy.
“Well, you know I don’t like being told what to do,” she says with a wink. “When I was growing up, I hated the idea that there was someone predestined for me. Your mom and Ellen were so excited about the prospect, dressing up as brides and pretending to get married in the backyard. Meanwhile, I hated feeling like I didn’t have a choice in the matter. Maybe it had to do with the fact that I was bi and didn’t know it yet. I didn’t understand why the idea of finding a husband—a soulmate—getting married, and having children felt so lackluster. I thought I had two choices: be completely alone and probably disowned by your grandmother, or destined for a life of unhappiness with some boring salesman in a bad suit named Dave or Larry.”
“Larry! I can’t even imagine that.” We both cackle at the thought.
“Larry with a bad comb-over.” Mei’s whole body shudders. “That’s why I was so frustrated. I dated a bunch but could never bring myself to get serious. There was always this cloud over my head telling me it wasn’t going to work out in the long run. That Larry was out there waiting for me. But then I realized something.”
“What’s that?”
“Remember I told you about when our family first came over and started integrating Western psychic practices, right? All the drama?”
I nod, sitting up, propping my back against a pillow. “Great-Aunt was super against it. She didn’t want Western practices to dilute tradition.”
“Generally, yes. But her biggest issue was that there are some big differences in philosophy, one being the understanding of fate.”
“Really? How so?”
“Western fortune-telling looks at fate kind of like a self-driving car. It has one destination, and regardless of the choices you make in life, you’ll always wind up charting the same course. But in traditional Chinese fortune-telling, fate and fortunes aren’t set in stone. For example, I could give you a reading right now, and what I tell you in this moment could be correct.”
I nod, trying to follow her logic closely.
“But free will is equally important in Chinese fortune-telling,” she explains. “It’s all about maximizing strength and timing to achieve the best possible outcomes, all of which can change depending on the decisions you make.”
My mind reels, attempting to revise everything I thought I knew. “So, what you’re saying is, fate isn’t necessarily predetermined?”
“If you were to survey our family, they’d all tell you something different. Everyone has a slightly different interpretation of how it works.”
“What’s your interpretation?” I ask, desperate for some guidance.
“I don’t believe our lives have to be predetermined. They can be, but it’s up to you at the end of the day. Ultimately, for me, fate is about trusting yourself, just like you did with college. With coming home. You knew that direction was wrong for you, so you changed course. And now, your life has a new path, a new fate, if you will.”
It was terrifying to make that choice. To trust myself enough to know that it was more than just being lazy, or not adjusting to the level of difficulty. It wasn’t even apathy or disinterest. It was this overwhelming sense that college and the forensics path wasn’t the direction I was supposed to take with my life. And it took courage to finally do something about it. Even still, that pales in comparison to the decision Mom made. “I can’t even imagine how hard it must have been for Mom to choose Dad, to go against her family tradition. What if that was her consequence?”
“Absolutely not. The only thing it tells you is how much your mom loved your dad. And anything that’s a product of that love should never be disappointing in the slightest.” She squeezes my hand and my eyes sprout with tears, warmth brimming through my chest. I love my aunts.
Until now, I thought having the vision was my one tie to Mom. But now I know that’s not true. I’m connected to her through my whole family. It’s the way Mei looks at me with the same surprised look Mom has in all her photos. The way Ellen hums everywhere she goes. Apparently, Mom did just the same. It’s in their care for me, picking up in Mom’s footsteps.
“Thank you,” I say. “For being here for me my whole life. For literally hopping on a plane and flying halfway across the world to be there for me when I needed it. I love Dad and all, but I couldn’t have gotten through without you and Ellen. I haven’t told you that enough.”
“Of course, sweetheart.” Mei plants a kiss on my temple, then gives me a playful shake, bursting our sentimental bubble.
“You have no idea how happy I am to be home. Even if Dad ditched me for a cruise,” I tease, even though it couldn’t be further from the truth. He felt terrible about leaving me on Christmas Eve and was about to cancel until I convinced him not to. Sure, I wish I were spending it with Dad, but being with Ellen and Mei is the next best thing.
“Do you think you’ll go back?” Mei asks.
I think about that. “I don’t know. Maybe? That’s what I’m confused about. I was happy for a while with Caleb.”
“Let’s take fate out of the equation for a minute. If it weren’t a factor, would you still choose Caleb?”
“No,” I say, almost instantly. I’m surprised at how easily I answered based on pure instinct. “I’m not sure I ever truly loved him to begin with. Infatuation, sure. But I think what I loved most was the idea of him.” I loved the adventuring, the discovery. But when all that was stripped away, when we were just in a room alone, there was this distance between us I couldn’t put my finger on. It’s like lactose-free cheese—it should work in theory, but there’s something about it that isn’t right.
Mei dips her chin. “There you have it. Fate shouldn’t be a straitjacket, Lo. You should never feel forced to love someone. It should be easy, like second nature. Like breathing, so natural, you don’t even realize you’re doing it.”
I massage the moon tattoo on my finger. “Kind of like how I feel about—”
“Teller,” Mei finishes knowingly.
“But what about the vision I had about him? If our friendship is doomed to end, what’s the point in trying for a relationship?”
“Maybe it meant the end of your friendship and birth of a romance?” she suggests.
I shake my head. “No. It was too ominous for that. It felt like the end of us completely.”
She contemplates. “Our visions aren’t always representative of the future. Sometimes, they’re there to send a message. Maybe, in this case, it was trying to make you see how terrible life would be without him.”
And she’s right. It would be more than terrible. Maybe Teller isn’t my “fated soulmate.” But fate or free will, I can’t ignore how I feel about him. I may lack focus to stick with most things for very long, but Teller has been a steady constant since we met. He came into my life when I needed him most. He made me feel like I was someone. He managed to make every mundane and ordinary moment feel like magic.
Being with Caleb felt like being whisked away on life’s greatest adventure, but Teller feels like coming home.