4. Nerissa
CHAPTER FOUR
Nerissa
I found my mother in a pool of her own blood, it is an image I don’t think I will ever forget. There are things you can’t erase from your mind, the horror of that sight is one of them.
Every time I close my eyes, I see it.
And every time it makes me cry, and the same surge of panic and pain pulse through me.
I remember falling to my knees at her side, rolling her over and seeing the blood smeared across her mouth, and her eyes - they were white, frosted over, lifeless and empty.
I screamed her name. I screamed until all I was doing was screaming.
People rushed in and pulled me away from her.
I fought to get back to her side, but they shoved me into another room and one of the other housekeepers made me shower.
I was shaking, my entire body convulsing, and I couldn’t make it stop.
They asked me questions I didn’t hear or understand. All I could see was my mother drowning in her own blood.
Finally, a doctor injected something into my arm and the entire world went black.
When I woke up the next morning though, my head thick and heavy, the first thing I remembered was my mother and I broke down again. The staff scolded me and said I should shut-up. I’d cause trouble making a scene.
I knew she was dead and that I would never see her again, my world fell apart. How I am supposed to carry on like this?
I don’t know how I am supposed to live with this pain inside me.
That day, and every day since then, I’ve cried. Lost, broken and in denial.
Every time I sleep, which is often because all I want to do is escape reality, I wake up and remember it all over again. I want to die too. I can’t think of anything or anyone else. I can barely breathe, never mind eating, drinking, or bathing.
I do want to die. I want to be with my mother.
I have lost the most special person in the world. The only person who was there for me. The only person who loved me.
W hen the lady who manages all the staff comes to talk to me late in the afternoon, I can’t focus.
“Nerissa, honey, I need you to listen.”
I nod. She is sitting on the end of the single bed where I have been lying all day. Unable to move. Not able to function.
“Honey, the boss has arranged for you to go and stay somewhere new. It’s closer to your school. You will be taken care of there.”
My mind registers some of what she is telling me. “I am not staying here? My brothers are here.”
“Yes, honey. They think it is better if you aren’t in this house anymore. After what happened.”
“Why?” I ask, terrified of the idea of leaving the last place I saw my mother. The only place that reminds me of her. Terrified of leaving her behind.
“I don’t know honey, but it’s what the boss wants. He had a meeting with your brothers, and they have decided.” She puts a hand on my back to try comfort me. “Remember, it will be closer to your school, and you love school. You can focus on that. It will be good for you.”
I nod, I can’t even imagine studying ever again. I only have a year of high school left. I wanted to go to university. My grades are good enough to get a scholarship - but right now - it all seems pointless. I did that for my mom, to make her proud. Everything is for nothing without her.
But regardless of what I want, or think - the plans are in motion, and I just sit back and watch them as they pack my things into suitcases and prepare for me to be moved somewhere unknown. My brothers haven’t even bothered to come see me, even though they are in this house. They could decide to send me away, but they can’t look me in the eye and tell me themselves.
I’m scared, and numb.
My brothers are all staying here. And I don’t think it’s fair - but no one cares what I think. My mother is dead. My mother. She is gone. My heart will never heal from this. My life will never be the same. I will never be ok again.
All I can do is cry.
And it is all I do. I sit quietly, in the room opposite where I used to stay with my mother, and I cry. Day after day while they prepare to send me away.
I cry.
The other staff avoid me, or pretend they can’t hear me.
One evening I am sitting on the bed staring at the door, across the hall, to my mother’s room.
I don’t know how long I’ve been sitting there, but Tuomo appears, shoving my mother’s bedroom door open and storming inside. My heart aches I want him to close it. I haven’t looked inside since she died. The door has been closed.
Tuomo says my name.
I blink. Trying to process what is happening. He says my name again and then collapses to the floor.
I get up and walk across the hall, I haven’t seen him in days. I haven’t even thought about him to be honest. I haven’t thought about anything except my mother. Why is he here?
“Tuomo?” I whisper, and when he spins around and comes towards me, I tense up.
“I thought you were gone.” He says, dragging my stiff body into his arms.
“They had to deep clean this room. I was staying in the room across the hall.” Telling the story makes my throat tighten and my words become too much to handle. A lump forms in my throat and again tears spill down my cheeks.
He holds me so tight that it hurts. But I like the pain. I like the constriction of being locked in his harms. “They are sending me away.” I tell him.
“I heard. I don’t want you to go.”
“I’m scared. I don’t even know where I’m going. I miss my mom—”
He strokes my head, and I wish he was rather holding me tight again. I want the pain instead.
“I will find you, little bird. Wherever they take you, I will find you. I promise you. Remember our pact. Ok. No matter what happens just remember the pact.”
He was talking, I wasn’t paying attention. I nod, because I don’t know what he said.
“Will you remember the pact, little bird?”
Oh. The pact. How can he think about that now? “I will.” I say, wondering if he cares about what happened to my mother. “I will remember it.”
“Good.” He touches my face. “I love you.”
His words are nothing to me, empty noise. I am so numb. “I - I love you.” I can’t deal with him right now. I’m going to cry again. I want to scream and claw at my chest because the pain is unbearable. I want to run and jump off a cliff and fall to my death so that I can be with my mom.
I know I don’t want to die.
But I wish I could stop hurting so much.
I wish I could have her back.
Tuomo takes my hand and opens my fingers. He puts something into my hand and then closes my fingers around it. “Next time I see you, I will give you a diamond.” He says.
I look down at my hand and the small plastic toy inside it.
A bird.
A little plastic bird.
Because he calls me little bird.
I sigh, not sure what to say. His gift doesn’t break through the numbness, it’s just a bird in my hand.
“Thank you, Tuomo.”
T hat was the last time I saw Tuomo, the next morning before the sun came up, they gathered my things and loaded me into a car. All of my belongings in a few bags. My life reduced to almost nothing at all.
I didn’t even care, when they drove me away from that house.
I was numb. Numb to everything. I had been hurting so much that I didn’t have enough energy in me to be afraid of where they were sending me.
I just wanted to get there and think about something else. Anything else.
You will be closer to your school.
I sigh as they drive me towards the other side of the city away from their wealthy neighborhood, to my new life.
I guess I will do what I have always done, focus on my studies. Ignore the world around me, get good grades and be the best that I can be. I will do anything and everything I can to make sure that I become someone my mother would be proud of. This is a chance to be more, to make her dreams for me come true, and I need to make the most of it.
It only takes thirty minutes to get to the house I will stay in. Thirty minutes, but my old life feels so far away, like is it on another planet.
Everything and everyone in the Vece mansion disappears from my thoughts as I walk up the steps into my new home.
I will be cleaning here, and going to school, and studying. That is all I need to focus on.
Everything is going to be ok, Nerissa. I tell myself.
I do my best not to cry during the day when there are people around me, but for months I cry myself to sleep. It is only after I graduate high school, I start to feel like myself. I find my feet again.
Instead of crying at night I talk to my mom. I tell her about my day and what I learned and who I met and that I have new friends.
Slowly, the pain starts to ease and even though I miss her, I focus on other things.
When I am granted a scholarship to a local university, I’m overjoyed, my life isn’t over. I still have something beautiful waiting for me in my future.