22. Nerissa
CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO
Nerissa
S itting at the small wooden bar chair at my kitchen counter with a bowl of cold noodles in front of me I have been ignoring for twenty minutes, I read the message Hayley sent me again. It worries me because she’s right. But I also don’t really want to admit she’s right because that is a whole different can of worms I don’t want to open.
Hayley: What is going on with you? You don’t reply to my messages. I don’t even see you anymore. It’s like you fell off the planet. Did I offend you or do you not want to be friends with me anymore? Please talk to me.
I have fallen off the planet. The only person I ever spend time with is Tuomo. And I have been avoiding her messages because I don’t know how to explain that to her. Because I know what I’m doing is wrong. I shouldn’t be with him. But that doesn’t mean I should just ditch my best friend and not tell her about everything.
I sigh, my fingers hovering over the keyboard. I don’t know what to say.
It’s too much to explain over one message and I can’t understand what’s going on so how can I tell her?
If I look at my behavior over the past while, it has become erratic and irresponsible. I’m not focused on the right things anymore.
Have to reply to her though. I can’t just leave this.
She thinks I’m mad at her. I feel horrible about that.
I type, delete it, and start again.
Why is this so difficult?
Me: Hi babe, I’m really sorry I’ve been so distant. The truth is I ended up not getting that job - the one I was meant to start last Monday, and it messed with my head a lot. I’ve just been lying low and trying to figure my life out. I’m not mad at you at all and it means a lot to me you have been messaging. I’m an asshole for not replying. I love you lots, and we must get together soon.
I hit send and my stomach churns. I’m a shit friend.
Putting my phone face down on the counter because I can’t even bear to look at my reflection in the dark screen, I pull the bowl of noodles back towards myself and push the fork into them, swooshing them back and forth. I can’t keep doing this.
I need to get my life together.
Being with Tuomo is going to get me nowhere. He is distracting me from what’s important. And I’ll fall for him and then boom - he will get bored with me and ditch me like a ton of bricks. I deserve more.
I should know better, but apparently, I’ve lost all sense of responsibility and reason.
Rolling my eyes at myself I sigh and force a forkful of noodles into my mouth. I can’t afford to waste food.
I’m jobless, soon to be homeless if I don’t get my ass into gear.
I pull a face as I chew, because the noodles are pretty gross cold, I decide to make a point of saying no when Tuomo asks me out the next time. I have to set up some healthy boundaries. My life is busy falling apart and all I seem to be focused on is how good he makes me feel. But that’s temporary. My career, and future, and goals are so much more important.
I finish my noodles and rinse the bowl, setting it upside down in the drying rack.
It’s almost three in the afternoon and I should get online and do some job hunting. I feel so unmotivated it’s scary.
But I have to.
I turn from the kitchen sink and my apartment door flies open.
I scream in fright, not knowing what the hell is going on.
Hayley bursts inside like a tornado. She is scowling, but also relieved - and it confuses me.
“Oh good. You’re alive. Are you on drugs? Did you become an alcoholic or something? What the hell, Nerissa. You can’t just ignore me and then send me a message like that.” She is talking fast and as she waves her phone at me.
“Hayley, oh my word you gave me a heart attack.”
“And what do you think you’ve done to me with all the ignoring and bullshit? You didn’t start working? I thought you’ve been too busy to reply?”
Shit.
I told her that.
I bite my bottom lip and stare at her, wondering how to explain the mess I’m in.
Her eyes soften when she sees my expression and the tension in my stance.
“It’s three o’clock and you’re still in your pajamas.” She sighs. “Oh man. You really need to tell me what’s going on.” She walks over to me and pulls me into a tight hug. I lean against her, not realizing how badly I needed this.
When she steps back, she takes my hand and leads me to the bed, forcing me to sit down. Then she goes to the kitchen and grabs two wine glasses, carrying them back to where I’m sitting.
She sighs as she drags the armchair right next to the bed and sits down in it, kicking her shoes off and stretching her legs out onto the bed.
“You may as well get comfortable, girl, because I’m not going anywhere until you tell me what is going on.” She says, pouring us each a glass of wine.
I lean forward and take the glass of wine from her.
“It’s kind of complicated.” I say, swirling the dry white in the glass and watching it splash up against the edges.
“I think you’ll find, when you talk, that it’s not as complicated as you think.”
My voice quakes as I unload my worries onto her, recounting the disappointment of the job falling through and the constant stream of rejections, each one lacking a legitimate reason. A deep sense of fear for what lies ahead engulfs me, leaving me perplexed and unable to make sense of it all.
She listens, topping up the wine glass as we chat. But in all honesty, I am struggling to drink it. I’ve barely had half a glass, and it’s not sitting well with me today. Maybe I’m just too tired. I put the wine glass down on my bedside table.
When I’m done talking, she pulls her mouth into a sarcastic smile. “Ok, but what are you hiding?”
“Huh?”
“So, the job fell through. Ok. That’s horrible. But where have you been? What have you been doing?”
Dammit, how does she know me so well?
I glance towards my window, wondering if he’s out there right now. I always have this feeling that he’s there, just watching. I push the thought aside and turn my attention back onto Hayley.
“I met a guy.” I say, sighing, accepting that she won’t stop until she finds out the truth.
“A guy? Are you serious? How, where, when?”
“It’s someone I used to know before I met you. Someone from my past.” I shrug.
“Girl - I can’t believe you kept this from me. So, is it serious, are you falling in love, who is he, what’s his name?” the questions rush out of her mouth like a freight train.
I chuckle. “Calm down. Jeez.”
“Don’t tell me to calm down. I want to know everything.”
I sigh, getting up to pour myself some water. When I come back, she has her arms folded across her chest, waiting.
“He’s a lot older than me. And he’s gorgeous .” I say, sitting back down on the bed.
“Are you in love, Nerissa? How old? Older guys can be so hot.” she says with shock.
“It’s getting—I—” I sigh. “I am falling for him.” I admit, the weight of my words settling in. I can’t believe I said it out loud.
I am falling for Tuomo. The exact thing I promised myself not to do.
Hayley finishes the bottle of wine and doesn’t seem to pay attention to the fact that I’ve switched to drinking water. We talk for ages, and she is happy to know what is going on with me. By the time she leaves I’m feeling a lot better. It’s funny how a talk with a friend can settle your thoughts and refocus your mind. I really needed that. I’m so glad she forced her way into my day.
I walk over to my curtains to close them so I can get ready for bed, I close them, but tonight I can’t shake the sensation that he’s watching me.
Putting on my comfortable oversized tee shirt and brushing my teeth I am thinking about him.
It’s just because I spoke about him so much tonight. I never told her his name though. Not his full name. She doesn’t know he is a Vece. I needed to keep that a secret because I don’t want her to lecture me on what a bad idea it is. I already know.
I climb into bed, still confused about what the best way forward is. I am falling for him - and he is bad for me. So, how do I navigate that?
Closing my eyes I snuggle into my bed.
But I can’t sleep.
It’s driving me crazy.
I get out of bed again and walk to the window, pulling the curtain open.
My heart leaps into my throat.
His car is parked there beneath the streetlamp. He isn’t even trying to hide. I should be terrified. I should be offended and creeped out. But I’m not. Somehow his presence out there makes me feel safer.
I walk back to my bed, this time leaving the curtains open. I climb in again and close my eyes.