28. Nerissa
CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT
Nerissa
A nother day goes by, and I don’t hear from Tuomo. His brothers dragged him out of my apartment two days ago and I don’t know what to make of it. I imagine his brothers were so angry to find him with someone like me he was told he can’t see me again. He knew all along that it wouldn’t work but just wanted to play out whatever fantasy he had in his head about me.
There have been so many times when I’ve wanted to message him, but I’ve stopped myself.
What happened that night was terrifying, and I don’t want my life to be like that.
His family hates me.
I have no idea what they would do to me if they found out I was trying to get in touch with him again. And apart from that obvious fact - I don’t have any idea what to say to him. It’s not like I can just message hi, how are you, what you been up to.
But I miss him. I ache to have his arms around me and hear his voice. I want to lie down with my head on his chest and feel the soothing beat of his heart.
Though - nothing is more important than family and even though Tuomo said he would take them all down to be with me - I would never ask or expect him to lose his family over me. Nobody should be forced into a position to make that choice, so I have to be strong enough to make it for him if it stops him from losing his family. I couldn’t live with myself anyway - if that happened.
I slide my phone back into the back pocket of my jeans for the hundredth time. And for the hundredth time I reassure myself I’ve made the right choice not to message him. It’s so hard though. My heart is breaking. But I also have to acknowledge that he hasn’t messaged me either. Looking up and down the busy street I sigh.
He must know that it is impossible for us to be together. He must have known all along.
It’s time we both accepted the truth and just walked away before things get so much worse than they already are.
I’m already embarrassed to pass any of my neighbors in the hallway because of the mayhem I have been causing there. It’s not who I am. I am the levelheaded quiet girl who focuses on studies and work.
I’m not built to be involved with a mafia boss.
I step into the street and hurry across the road when there is a gap in the traffic.
I called Hayley an hour ago because I’ve been sitting at home doing nothing but crying. It’s making me crazy. I’ve just arrived at the coffee shop she is meeting me at. I’m early, but I couldn’t wait in my apartment for another second. So, I’d rather sit here than there. At least here I can watch people, and I don’t feel so alone.
Being alone right now scares me. Especially in that apartment. The Vece brothers know where I live, and the threat was very clear. I am still worried about them coming back to find me and just - get rid of me . It seems over the top and unrealistic, like something from a horror movie, but that’s the family they are. I’ve heard all the rumors, I lived in their home, and I met their father. He is a horrible, horrible man.
I order a cappuccino from the pretty waitress who leads me to a table by the window. She looks about seventeen - the same age I was when I first fell for Tuomo. She looks like a child, far too young to be making any big decision that will affect the rest of her life.
I wonder if people thirty-five or forty see me and think I’m a child - like I am too young to make important choices. And then do fifty-year-olds look at the thirty-year-olds and think the same thing. Are we ever really able to make big choices with the way life throws curveballs at us? How can we prepare for things we can’t even guess are going to happen to us?
If I look at all the choices, I’ve made so far, they have all gotten me nowhere in my life.
I don’t have a job even though I did so well in university.
I’m a wreck. A heartbroken mess. Living alone in an apartment I won’t be able to pay rent for when my savings run out in two months.
A tear rolls down my cheek and the lump in my throat forces me to swallow hard.
“Here’s your cappa - oh my goodness are you ok?” the waitress squats down next to my table and reaches up to touch my shoulder. “Honey, are you ok?” She asks.
I smile through my tears, nodding. “I’m fine. Just, um, just silly problems with silly boys.” I shrug, embarrassed that she is comforting me. I don’t want to draw any attention to myself.
“Oh babe, I know that hurt. They can be a real pain - but one day you’ll meet one who will sweep you off your feet.”
I laugh. “You’re a little young to let guys sweep you off your feet, aren’t you?”
She giggles and holds out her hand, showing me a gorgeous ring. “No, I’ve already met my prince charming. We’ve been in love since junior school. He asked me to marry him a month ago.”
Tears spill again. She is so much younger than me and somehow, she has her life together, a job, a man who wants to marry her and she looks thrilled.
“That’s amazing.” I say, wishing she would leave me alone to wallow in my self-pity.
I didn’t even ask to fall in love.
It wasn’t a choice I made. It just came out of nowhere - hijacking my life and creating chaos for me. But here I am - in love with a Vece - with no idea how to handle it.
“What’s going on?” Hayley’s voice makes the waitress jump.
“Boy trouble.” She says, standing and smiling at Hayley. “Can I bring you a coffee too?”
“Yes, thanks.” Hayley says, pulling out a chair and scooting it right next to mine.
She wraps her arms around my shoulders and hugs me.
“What did he do? I’ll kill him.”
I shake my head, taking a deep breath and trying to get myself under control. “No, it’s better that we break up. We shouldn’t have been together.”
“But I thought you really liked him.”
“I did - but I knew he wasn’t right for me. I don’t even want to talk about it now. Can we leave that conversation for another day? I just want to forget about it and have a pleasant afternoon with you.”
Hayley narrows her eyes at me for a moment then sighs. “Ok, yes, let’s cheer you up - but you are going to tell me what happened at some point right?”
“I will. I promise. Just not today.”
She nods. “Alright. We can have coffee - and then we can go to the little market in the park today. It’s a bunch of vintage and thrift stuff. It’ll be fun to shop around.”
“That sounds perfect.”
The young waitress returns with Hayley’s cappuccino and smiles at me. I glance down at her hand, at the pretty ring on her fingers. Is that what I want? Do I want to get married? What a crazy thought. All I have ever focused on was work and trying to make a good life for myself. Now suddenly I am crying over a guy and questioning everything because it all fell apart.
The waitress walks away, and I look back at Hayley.
“Now isn’t a good time to tell you - but you want a distraction, right?” she grins.
“I want a distraction. And you can tell me anything.”
“I got a job. A proper one. I’m working as a clerk in the office at that law firm in town - with the big blue statue outside their building.”
“I know which one that is. That’s amazing. Oh, my word I am so proud of you.”
“I wanted to tell you yesterday when they emailed me, but I decided to rather tell you in person.”
We chat about her future and all the potential that working in a place like that will bring. I applied there. I remember they told me they weren’t looking to hire anyone right now. But I don’t tell Hayley that. She is my best friend, and I want the world for her. I want everything good for her.
After our coffee we walk the long way to the park, enjoying the city energy and taking our time, just filling the day with nothing.
The vintage market is beautiful. There are so many fun treasures to look at, for a little while I forget about everything that happened and how broken my heart is.
But that loneliness creeps in as the afternoon grows late.
I think again about how I want to message him but knowing I can’t.
I’m empty, even spending time with such an amazing friend, because the only person I really want to be with right now is Tuomo.