30. Nerissa
CHAPTER THIRTY
Nerissa
H is eyes are darker than I have ever seen him, and he is towering over me with a menacing anger spread across his face. The heat of his skin brushes against mine and electricity bolts through me. My body burns with need, contradicting the nervous tension in my heart.
“You’re breaking up with me?” he says in absolute disbelief.
“Tuomo—” I stammer, fearful of him. His anger is a dangerous thing. I’ve seen glimpses of it before but this time it looks worse. “Tuomo, accept that it’s impossible for us to be together. You will lose your family. Don’t you get that?”
I try to step away from him, to create some distance between us but he isn’t letting me.
In the narrow alley under a sky that is growing darker by the minute he has my back pressed right up against the brick wall. I can feel the coldness of it seeping through my shirt.
“If you loved me nothing would break us apart.” He whispers with menace tainting the edge of each word.
“Your family ,” I cry out. “They are your entire world.”
“ You are my universe. ” He screams into my face, and I wince away from his anger.
“I can’t be your world.” I shout back at him, fear driving me to be more forceful.
He laughs as he runs his hand up my chest, towards my neck, wrapping his fingers around my throat. He pushes me back hard against the wall again and pain shoots through my back.
“I will never give up. I will never ever let you get away from me, Nerissa. I don’t want anyone else. No one will ever come close to having my heart the way you have it.”
My heart is imploding with pain. Why does he want me so much?
I don’t understand why he loves me this much?
No one has ever loved me this hard or fought for me like this. No one has ever wanted me enough to give up their entire world just for me.
The idea of losing me agonizes him.
What does this mean?
I reach up and touch his face and his grip loosens. I trace my fingers over the perfect shape of his jaw. His eyes are glittering as though he is fighting tears. He is beautiful. In so many ways.
“Tuomo.” I whisper his name, and he lets go, dropping his head onto my shoulder. “Everything is going to be ok.” I say, stroking my hand over the back of his head, threading my fingers through his thick, dark hair. I’ve hurt him and my heart is breaking because of it.
He steps away from me and looks right into my eyes. His are dark brown pools of intense emotion. Looking right at him like this makes my heart go cold and the palms of my hands sweat. Fear replaces the heart ache. His jaw is tight, and his lips are pressed together. I no longer want to comfort him I want to run.
“You think everything will be ok?” he asks, but why does it sound like a threat instead of a question. Suddenly, my memory is back in my apartment, the very first time Tuomo showed up after all those years. When he pinned me to the bed, and I thought - I thought - I brush the memory away as my body becomes alive with lust because of it. No. Don’t be ridiculous, Nerissa. Focus. Stay safe. Why do I keep confusing fear and desire?
He has that same anger in his tone, his body language, and his eyes.
“I - I think - we both just need time to think.”
“Time to think ?” he whispers with menace.
I force myself to take a slow breath in. I better think, quickly, if I want to get out of this situation. I glance left and right down the alley he has dragged me into. There isn’t a person in sight.
“What are you looking for, little bird?”
Think, Nerissa, think.
“I was wondering if you have time to go for a coffee with me?”
He tilts his head to the side, narrowing his eyes. “Why?”
“Because this place is not the nicest - venue.” I laugh light-heartedly, trying to change the mood. But my chest is tight with tension. “I don’t want to stop talking to you. So, let’s go for a coffee?” I shrug.
His shoulders drop, and he nods. “Alright. We can carry on talking.” He holds out his hand and I swallow hard as I place my hand against his and he leads me from the alley out into the street. It’s a lot quieter now, and above us the sky is dark. The streetlamps are shining pools of light and warmth spills from shop windows and small cafes along the walkway.
I feel so much better out here in the open, but I am well aware of the reality of the situation I’m in. Tuomo is a Vece. They do what they want - where they want. He could do anything he wanted to me right here in public and very few people would dare to interfere for fear of risking their own lives.
I point at a coffee shop just across the street and he pulls me towards it without a word.
We sit down and his eyes are burning into me.
The waitress comes and goes, and he has barely moved.
I wish there were more people in here. It’s quiet. Not as reassuringly safe as I would have hoped.
When she brings our coffee and puts it in front of us, I try to ease the atmosphere by restarting the conversation. Tuomo is busy rolling the sleeves of his shirt up over his forearms, folding each roll, moving slowly, with strange purpose.
I clear my throat, hoping to get his attention.
“Tuomo, everything that has happened since you came back into my life has happened so fast. It’s been really intense. I don’t mean that its good or bad - but it’s only been about three or four weeks and it’s really confusing and overwhelming for me.”
He stares at me, leaning back in his seat with his arms folded across his chest.
“So, because you got a little overwhelmed you want to throw what we have away?”
I shake my head. “No, it’s not like that. I think we would both benefit from some space and time alone to just think about things.”
He says nothing.
I try again.
“I need a week or two to clear my head so that I can sort everything else in my life out too. My job for example.”
“A week or two.” He voice is low and terrifying, the way he replies to me makes me tremble. But he is nodding. His body language and his tone do not match.
I’ve said enough. I need to stop talking now and let him process and reply instead of just repeating everything I am saying.
I pick up my coffee and sip it even though my stomach is churning, and I feel like I want to puke.
Tuomo takes his time. I feel like him watching me right now is some kind of power play, so I do my best to pretend that it isn’t affecting me.
I still admire how gorgeous he is, even in the intensity of this moment. I can’t help but notice how his forearms flex and the muscles ripple when he unfolded his arms to pick up his coffee.
He is quiet for a long time and my thoughts wonder about the safest way to get out of the strained situation I find myself in. I am halfway through my coffee when he speaks, and his voice has transformed.
“I think you’re right.” He sighs, leaning forward to pick up his coffee. “It has happened quick. And we both need to take a step back and reassess everything. I need to figure out what to do about my family and then we can talk again - take it slower.”
Relief floods my heart.
“Yes, that sounds like the right thing to do.” I sigh, relieved.
The rest of the conversation is strained and awkward.
We finish our coffee and stand to leave.
“Where did you park your car?” he asks, as we walk along the pavement.
“I walked here. It was a beautiful day.”
“And you were going to walk home?” he says, vexed. “In the dark alone?”
“It wasn’t that dark when I started walking home.” I say. “I don’t live far away at all.”
At this point I think it is safer to gamble with the dark streets even in my neighborhood than it is to carry on spending time with Tuomo.
“I’ll walk you home then.” He says, and I can tell it isn’t a question. Shit. I really wanted to get away from him. My thoughts are a muddle of confusion. One minute I feel as though being with him will only end in my death - and the next my body is craving him with feverish desire.
I need to get away from him.
“Thanks.” I say, turning towards my apartment and walking in that direction with Tuomo walking close at my side. Smelling his body overpowering the other scents of the city and despite being afraid of him - I’m never safer than when I am by his side.