32. Nerissa
CHAPTER THIRTY-TWO
Nerissa
I know he’s there. Even when I can’t see him, I can feel him.
Whatever connection we have is strong enough that it allows me to sense when he is watching.
I don’t understand it, but I can’t deny it.
It’s been over a week since I asked him for time and it sounds crazy, but I’m finding his presence reassuring. I hate the fact that I want him close to me. I hate the fact that I’m relieved he didn’t give up. He is being respectful in his own way by staying a distance away, but I’m glad he’s still there.
I’ve been spending every waking moment looking for a job. I have been talking to the HR teams at the law firms I already applied to and trying to figure out why they keep turning me down. I even resent my application to a few of them to see if they would have the same response. It was the same. The same nonsense replies that make little sense.
At this point I am ready to march into one of their offices and demand to see a manager just because I need answers. How can I keep trying if I don’t even know what I’m doing wrong? I need proper constructive criticism.
Places that turned me down have even hired a few of my friends from university, including Hayley, I did so much better at university than they did. It just does not make sense, and it’s driving me crazy.
So, I can’t get a job, and I can’t stop thinking about Tuomo.
I can’t get my life together and I am still in love with a man who is so many kinds of wrong for my life. It’s hard to care that he might be wrong for my life when my heart keeps begging me to be with him. Maybe it wouldn’t be that bad if I stopped fighting against what seems to be my destiny.
Tuomo is not giving up. Is that a sign for me?
I never did fully give myself to him. I always held back because of the fear of his family, his name and who he is. But he’s never hurt me. He has protected me. He’s kept me safe. And he’s never given up on me.
Out of every person I have ever met in my life he is the one who would be there for me no matter what. Isn’t that what every girl dreams of having?
I push my laptop closed and push it away from me, standing up off the highchair at my kitchen counter I stretch my arms above my head and yawn.
It’s not even lunch time and I want to sleep again.
On top of everything else, I am exhausted.
It’s as though the tiredness has crept into my bones.
I walk over to my bed and flop down onto it. My eyes are heavy and burning. I slept well last night, so I shouldn’t want to sleep now in the middle of the day.
I brush it away, I am stressed. I have this constant worry weighting down on my shoulders and I am terrified that my entire future is falling apart.
Stress does crazy things to the body and steals your energy in the blink of an eye. They call it the silent killer.
I just need to rest, let my body take its time to realize that I am ok - I’m not in danger - and I will find a job.
Everything will be ok.
I remember standing in the alley way and telling Tuomo everything will be ok.
I can feel him right now, outside my window. Parked somewhere on my street with his eyes locked onto my window. He’s there. I know he’s there.
I fall asleep with thoughts of him drifting through my mind.
My body is rigid and aching when I wake up in the morning.
I thought a good night’s rest would help - but now the stress and anxiety has turned to nausea.
I lie in bed for a moment, trying to ignore it. The bright light of morning is pushing into my apartment and making me squint against the white glare of my ceiling. I groan and close my eyes, but my stomach knots and tightens so I sit up. I hate being stressed.
The wave of nausea gets worse, and, in a flash, I am running for the bathroom.
I make it just in time. Throwing up everything I ate last night. I lean over the toilet gasping for breath. When I think it’s over, I sit with my back against the cold tile wall with my eyes closed, breathing.
Dammit.
Everything is going wrong.
My eyes shoot open.
No. Fuck.
No.
It can’t be - can it? I am on the pill. I can’t get pregnant on the pill, can I?
I jump up and run to check my contraceptive medication.
I haven’t missed any of them - but when I count backwards on the pills. I see I’m late. I was supposed to start a week and a half ago but with everything going on I didn’t even realize. How in the world did I miss this?
Ok, but in all honesty, stress can make you throw up and be exhausted. I have seen people get violently ill from the stress of our final year at university.
I press my fingers against my tired eyes trying to push away the fresh worry that has crept into my mind. It’s not working. The only way I can stop this panic is to do a pregnancy test.
I get dressed in a hurry. Not caring about showering or putting on make-up. Shoving my hair up into a messy bun I grab my keys and bolt out of the door to run down the road to the drug store.
Looking up and down the street while I make my way there - I don’t spot him, but I can feel him.
I’m just being paranoid at this point. He’s not here, Nerissa. Let it go.
I want him here, though.
If I’m pregnant, it’s his baby and I don’t want to find out alone.
The lady at the counter is so friendly. She can tell how worried I am, and she reassures me it’s always a fright in the beginning, but no matter what the test results say it’ll be ok.
Another person telling me it’ll be ok.
Walking back to my apartment with the brown paper bag, gripping it in my fingers. I feel as though I am holding a giant red beacon - screaming the obvious to anyone who is watching - to him.
But I could have bought anything. Painkillers. Vitamins. I sigh and run up the stairs back into my apartment, slamming the door closed behind myself, I go straight into the bathroom to do the test.
There is no point in waiting - I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I need to know right now.
Even though my bathroom is so small and cramped, I am still pacing up and down it. Moving from side to side, counting in my head. Counting again. Minute by minute. I don’t dare peek at the test until the prescribed time is up. Because as soon as I see it, it’s official. It’s final and there is no going back.
I keep thinking to myself I must have mixed up the days or missed a pill somehow. Maybe I took it out of the sheet but didn’t take it. My head has been such a mess it wouldn’t surprise me.
The last-minute counts down in my mind and I freeze in place. I have to turn and look at it.
My eyes drift to the test and two very definite bright red lines on the small white window of the stick. I swallow. I breathe.
I wait for something to happen, but nothing does.
Reaching out I pick it up and stare at it some more.
I’m pregnant.
I have Tuomo’s baby growing in my belly.
I am going to be the mother of a Vece baby.
Tears stream down my cheeks. On top of everything else this is frightening. It’s a reality I didn’t even consider was possible. I thought I had all the right precautions in place. I was responsible and careful - but not careful enough. This is a massive fuck up.
And all I want right now is to phone Tuomo. I want him here with me, right now, holding me. I want him to tell me that everything is going to be ok.
I need it to be ok. Nothing is ok.
I carry the test through to my bed and sit on the edge, still staring at the results.
What am I supposed to do now?
The thought of telling him about this is too much to handle. I have to think.
I have to tell him, right? He’s going to be furious. I don’t think he is the type of man who wants children. It will be a burden on his life - he’s going to be livid with me and I’m terrified of dealing with that again.
I stand up, walking over to the window and staring out in the street below. Where is he? I can feel him. Does he know? Did he see what I bought? No, that’s silly. He can’t have seen. I need to tell him, he should know.