12. Leora
CHAPTER TWELVE
Leora
T he sun is backing down on my skin as I lie on the sun lounger by the pool. Alone at home as usual, wondering where my husband is. He spends a lot of time out of the house. Especially after the night we made love. And of course, that hasn’t happened again.
At least the sun is out in full force today and I can relax and soak up the warmth on my skin. I stretch my legs out and wiggle my toes.
I’m feeling really defeated. Like I should just give up.
I’ve been trying so hard to spend time with him, to have conversations, to sit and have a coffee even - just that - in the mornings. But he makes it so difficult. He’s always rushing off somewhere or pushing me away - and it’s starting to really hurt. I still don’t understand why he’s being this way. And of course, I can’t ask him because he never has time to talk about anything - never mind serious issues.
Every single time he turns his face away from me when I try to kiss him it breaks a piece of my heart away. Cracks form and spread like an ache that I can’t ignore.
I sigh and pull my sunglasses up over the top of my head, blinking into the bright afternoon light.
I can’t keep this up for much longer.
At some point I am going to have to be honest with myself and accept that he just doesn’t like me. What would that mean though? What would it mean for me - and my life - to live with a man who doesn’t even like the sight of me?
No. Something is going on and all I have to do is try to understand it. If I can understand it, I can work out how to communicate with him.
I bite my lower lip. Dammit. My heart won’t let me just give up like that - so I won’t.
I really love him.
I was so excited when I found out that I was going to marry him - I thought the universe was giving me a gift - but now - now what am I supposed to do.
At the back of my eyes, I feel tears stinging and threatening to spill.
No. I won’t give up just yet. There must be something I can do to bring him closer to me.
“Hello.” The sing song voice drifts through the house towards me. I roll onto my side to peak around the back of the sun lounger.
“Dalila - hello.” I call out from the pool side.
“Oh, there you are.” She walks out of the house towards me. “I brought us summer treats. It’s so hot today I wanted to come over and swim, but I see you already had that idea.” She laughs, setting her things down next to the other lounger she pulls her sundress over her head, revealing her pretty pink bikini. “Nevio is swamped at work and I’ve been getting bored at home alone.” She hands me a vodka cocktail in a soda can.
“What’s this?” I ask, sitting up a little.
“Pre-made strawberry something or other. They taste amazing.” She cracks a can open for herself and sips on it.
“How have you been?” She asks as I sip mine.
“Mm. This is amazing. Thanks. I guess I’ve been ok.”
“You guess?” she eyes me over the top of her sunglasses.
“Yes, you know, it’s the whole getting bored home alone thing - and just - Masaccio in general—”
“What do you mean? Is he working too much? Do you guys not get to spend time together?”
“I don’t even think he’s working that much to be honest. I think - I think he’s just trying to get away from me.”
“Nonsense. Don’t say that.” She pouts her lower lip out a little.
“I’m not trying to be weird - I mean it. I don’t think he likes me too much.”
She sits up and turns her body towards me. “Well, why - like what is he doing or not doing to make you feel that way?”
“You know - I’ve been trying everything to connect with him. I want to spend time with him so that we can get to know each other. The other night I made us a candle lit dinner - he refused to eat it. He even looked angry about it.”
“Why wouldn’t he eat it?”
“I do not know. And every time I put my arm around him, he finds a reason to move away from me. And he won’t kiss me. I mean never mind anything else a husband and wife could do - he won’t even kiss me.”
This time I can’t hold the tears back. Saying it all out loud make it so much more real and hearing my own words make me realize just how much it has been hurting me to feel this constant push from him.
“He just - he just constantly rejects me. It’s really hurting me.” I admit.
I can’t believe I just told his sister all of that. But I don’t have anyone else to talk to. I can’t talk to Mas about it, and I guess I just really needed to talk.
“Oh no, sweetie. I’m so sorry to hear that. You know - Mas has always been the hardest one to get through to. He has a massive heart. But he can seem so cold. It’s because of the way we were raised.” She says, leaning back in the sun lounger.
“What do you mean? How was he raised?”
“My dad is not the most affectionate guy on the planet. In fact - he showed no emotions at all. You know Mas is the oldest, so my dad has been sort of training him ever since he was a kid - his entire purpose has always been to take over from my dad in the family business. I don’t think Mas has ever felt or experienced love. I don’t think he knows what it is.”
“Really? He’s never felt love?”
She smiles a tight smile and shrugs. “He had it the hardest, I think. Dealing with my dad.”
“What do you think I should do?” I ask, rolling my entire body towards her because I desperately need advice from someone who knows Mas as well as she does.
“I think - you should give him a chance. Maybe he’s scared. He really is a good guy. He’s a great brother. He’s stubborn and annoying—” she laughs, “but I love him to bits. If you just give him a chance to open up to you - I’m sure he will.”
She sounds so sincere and sure of her own advice. Maybe I was giving up too soon.
Maybe I just need to keep trying for a little longer.
My heart feels so much lighter sitting out at the pool with Dalila on this beautiful sunny day.
She hands me another strawberry cocktail and then tips her own towards me. “Cheers.” She says.
“Cheers.” I reply, smiling for the first time in a few days.
I think everything is going to be ok.
I will show him what love really is. I can teach him how to love.
He deserves that. Everyone does.
And I want to do that for him.
Dalila and I lay by the pool all afternoon. When Mas gets home, we are both a little tipsy and our skin is rosy and pink.
She hears him coming through and turns to wave at him.
“Hey brother.” She says giggling.
“What are you two doing?” He asks, looking down on both of us.
It doesn’t go unnoticed how his eyes take in my body, wearing nothing but my blue bikini. I can see he likes it.
I really do just need to give him a little more time. That’s all.
“I was just leaving.” Dalila stands up, stretching, then pulls her summer dress over her head. She leans over the sun lounger and hugs me. “Thanks so much for a fun afternoon sweetie. I’ll see you soon.”
“Bye babe. Thanks - for everything.” I grin.
Mas turn to walk her out. I hear them chatting away.
A little fire of hope has been sparked inside me all over again and I feel excited about the possibilities of everything.
I smile as I watch the sun beginning to set.
Soon the air will get a little cooler and I’ll go inside. But right now, I’m so relaxed, and feeling happier than I have all week, so I’m just going to enjoy this moment.