26. CHAPTER TWENTY-SIX
Never have I ever wanted to punch someone in the face as much as I did yesterday.
Unfortunately, though, it isn’t the full extent of my problem. That’s because the caveat of why beating Kai in the face would feel so satisfying, is that I’ve never felt the urge to maim someone that I’ve also wanted grinding on top of me.
Ah, what a plot twist in the shitty narrative this is turning out to be.
Storming out on him—and Romeo—yesterday had satiated me for all of about five minutes. Then I got angry all over again at his lack of response to me calling him out.
Was shedding light on his cunt behavior not reason enough to apologize?
Am I literally going to have to suck his dick before he realizes that what we have isn’t a mistake?
Scratch that. There’s no way in hell I’m giving him the pleasure of that happening.
Leaving my room late is a strategic choice. The goal is to have as little free time as possible with us in each other’s company before our shift starts, where Kai can slip in another innuendo or commanding gaze. Because I just don’t have the strength for it today.
A decent night’s sleep and an anger-wank in the shower this morning have managed to quell the lustful disdain I have for him… for now. And I am crossing my fingers that, if I play my cards right, I can make it to lunch without snapping his head off.
Too bad I’m holding my cards the wrong way around and fate is a tumultuous whore who thrives off my misery….
“Morning.” Kai flouts at the crestfallen look on my face when I notice he’s still in the kitchen.
By the coffee maker.
Right where I need to be.
Groaning, I take the largest disposable cup available and slide it under the spout of the machine, take the strongest pod available, slap the lid closed, and allow it to start in my absence as I fetch some milk.
“Sleep well?” Kai asks when I return, not even attempting to conceal the smirk on his face.
I bite my tongue—literally—and fish through the basket for another ristretto. Because it looks like it’s gonna be that kind of morning.
“You know, I’ve always liked the strong, silent type.”
Maybe that’s my thing too. Why not shut up and find out?
Kai tuts as I throw the first capsule in the bin and start the second. “I thought I was the brooder in this relationship?”
What fucking relationship?!
Focusing all my frustration into my fingers, I tear off the top of four sugar packets in one go.
“Better ease up there, Jess. You’re already sweet enough.”
I‘m seriously going to kill you.
Topping the coffee up with milk, I press on a lid, return the milk, and get two steps towards the door before I look back at Kai. With a grunt, I gesture for him to follow, because no matter how hard I fight it, I’m a fucking simp for him and he knows it all too well.
“I hate to say it, but this caveman thing is really doing it for me.”
Tapping the edge of the coffee lid against my forehead in frustration, I successfully manage to not bite back for a record sixth time in a row.
Receiving no food to fill his shit-stirring appetite, Kai cools the smart-ass comments and keeps pace with me as I walk silently to the hotel in the freezing cold—the whole time wishing his hand was pressing into the small of my back.
Inside the staff room, our silence continues as we face each other—though slightly offset. Kai leaning back on the table, and me against the kitchenette counter as we wordlessly sip our coffees.
Then, my monkey brain slips up and I remember his profile picture. The one where he was so small, and skinny, and… nothing at all like he is now.
He’s got the physique of an Olympic swimmer, for Christ’s sake. His chest is broad and his shoulders are wide. Then there’s his waist and his thighs—his fucking thighs. He clearly works on them. A lot.
Fuck, they look good resting against the edge of the table.
No. Don’t lean back.
Stop looking, Jesse.
Fuck! I can see his dick through his khakis.
My eyes widen as I inhale sharply and I make a point of not looking back at him as I walk towards the front desk.
“Almost made it on time.” Celeste slaps me on the shoulder as I pass her in the hall.
Inside the reception area, Wade is finishing up with a guest, and when I see the length of the line behind them, I die a little inside. Closing my eyes, I breathe deeply, force my muscles to relax, and open my eyes again with a warm, but fake, smile.
“Morning, Wade,” I greet him, dragging my hand across the top of his back as I pass by just in case Kai walks through the door at this very moment.
“Kai here yet?” he asks.
“He’ll be out in a second. You head out after this one.”
Making eye contact with the next person in the queue, I gesture for them to step forward and thus begin my four-hour drag of pretending to give a shit about people I’ll never see again.
The morning has gone past so quickly that I barely had time to scratch my ass.
It’s already well past eleven, and even though I’m finishing up with the last group in line, one guest was still a no-show.
“Please sign here, Mr. Monterey,” I say, placing the bill and pen on the marble.
“I hope you’re not trying to steal my man, Jesse,” a second man says boldly as he leans on the counter and rests his chin in his hand. “Though, if you are, you have our number. A third like you is always more than welcome.”
The first guest turns to his partner and jokes, “Who said you were invited?”
“Now, now, boys. There’s plenty of me to go around,” I play along—taking back the bill and pen.
“Did you hear that, babe? He called us boys.”
“You could almost be our son with how young you are.”
“I don’t believe it for a second. The pair of you don’t look a day over thirty-five.”
“Oh God, give me that thing back,” Mr. Monterey says, shaking his hands over the counter towards the bill. “I need to add a tip for you.”
“Nonsense.” I snatch it away. “I shouldn’t be rewarded for telling the truth.” With a wink, I walk the few steps towards the printer as the couple gushes over me.
Kai has been there for the past few minutes, checking its ink levels and restocking it with paper. But just like he’s done on every other occasion during the shift when we’ve been within one meter of each other, he immediately vacates the vicinity like we’re two positively charged magnets that can never touch. So I take my time, pretending like there’s something wrong, and press a few unnecessary buttons because I’m enjoying being the center of someone’s attention. Even if it isn’t Kai’s. But when I turn back, I see the last guest to checkout has finally arrived, and Kai is going out of his way to ignore them.
“Here’s your receipt, gentlemen.” I smile sincerely at my fan club. “I’m glad you enjoyed your stay, and I hope to see you again soon.”
“I hope that means you put your number on there.”
“Come on now, Darren. Leave the poor boy alone to do his work.” Mr Monterey nods towards me and pulls his boyfriend away.
“Fucking fags.”
The hell?
My attention is tugged toward the rude, baseball-cap-wearing middle-aged man who doesn’t seem to have an affinity for showing up places on time. “Excuse me, Sir?”
“Faggots. They’re everywhere.”
“I’m sorry, but I do not appreciate that language.”
“Don’t tell me you’re one of those fruity boys, too?”
“Watch your tone, sir, or I’ll call security.” Suddenly, Kai is by my side like he’s been watching my every move. Standing side on to the man, he leans one hand on the counter beside me and rests his other against my back.
“God. Everyone’s so touchy these days,” the man grumbles, slamming his wallet and key down.
“I’d say you’re the touchy one,” Kai counters, sliding the key off the black marble. I assume the man isn’t thinking when he removes his credit card from his wallet. But as soon as he does, Kai snatches it up as well. “So, Mr… Brooks. Did you enjoy your stay or were there so many gays around that it impeded your ability to have a good time?”
“Don’t speak to me like that, young man. Or I’ll report you to—”
“The Manager?” Kai interrupts, returning from the printer and slapping the bill in front of the man. “I’d be more than happy to get him for you. I’m certain he’d be pleased to hear your opinions on our clientele.” Picking the credit card back up, Kai swipes it before the bill is even signed.
Snatching back his card, the man mutters under his breath as Kai reaches around me to type away at something.
What is it?
Who knows?
But I’m not even sure if I’m breathing right now.
“Oh, Mr. Brooks.” Kai beckons him as he turns to walk away. “If you do happen to have a change of heart and try to book a room here in the future. You’ll find it quite impossible.”
“And why is that?”
“Because I’ve just added you to the banned patrons list. And that goes for our sister resort and all other international affiliations.”
“You can’t do that, you little shit.”
“But I just did,” Kai shrugs snidely. “And… I think you owe my boyfriend an apology.”
“I should have known you were a pair of—”
“Poofs, twinks, gay-boys?” Kai wraps his arm around me and tugs me close. “Have I missed any?”
Then, as smoke all but billows out of the man’s ears, I hug Kai back.
“Off with you.” He shoos the guest away like a fly on dogshit and pulls me to face him as his other arm caresses my back.
I know it’s all part of the show, but I melt into him. My hands meet just above his belt, my cheek instinctively finds his shoulder, and I breathe him in—Paco Rabanne cologne masking cigarette smoke, coffee, and something else distinctly Kai.
The double glass automatic doors close and I know we’re alone, but Kai doesn’t move. If anything, his hand presses firmer into my back.
Boldly—and totally willing to forgive him for ignoring me all morning—I step backwards, leading Kai into the blind corner.
“I probably shouldn’t like hearing you call me your boyfriend that much.”
With a shaky breath, Kai lowers his hands to grip my hips. “I hate that I feel this way.”
“Oh, come on. We both know I’m hot. What’s there to be ashamed of?”
With his forehead against mine, Kai stares down at my chest and admits, “You leave me so exposed. You make me want to tell you everything.”
“My ears are open.” Ever so lightly, I pull our bodies closer. “I’m not going anywhere.”
It’s only slight, but I can see Kai’s chin quivering.
“High school?” I question—prompting him.
“Yeah…” He pauses. “High School… I come from the sort of backward small town where you stand out for being different… But I wasn’t even that different, really.” Anger creeps into his tone. “I was skinny with a smart mouth and friends with all the girls because I wasn’t like their asshat boyfriends. God, that pissed them off. Seeing their girls spending time with me instead of them… I’m still not even sure if what they did was closeted, or bigoted, but—”
Cutting himself off, Kai stares blankly between us as all the color drains from his face.
Letting his arms fall to his side, he tries to back away, but I hold on to him.
“No, Jesse,” he all but screams—pushing me in the chest with both hands and slamming my head back against the wall. “Fuck, sorry. I… I’ve gotta go.”
For several seconds, I watch him fumble with the door handle as his hands shake.
“Kai, stop!” I call out to him as he flees down the hallway.
“No, Jess. I can’t do this. I can’t talk about it.” Halting, he looks left and right before entering the supply room like he actually thought that would stop me from following him.
“Yes, you can. You were doing so well,” I tell him calmly, gently closing the door behind me. “I told you I wasn’t going anywhere. Nothing you can say will change that.”
Furiously, his head shakes—his hands gripping the front of his shirt.
I take a step forward and he matches it by pressing his back against the wall.
“Please don’t.” He holds out his hand as I go to take another step. “You won’t look at me the same… You won’t want me anymore.”
“But you won’t let me have you now. Isn’t it better to tell me and take a risk instead of continuing to deny us both?”
Ignoring his request to stay back is probably not the smartest thing for me to do, but I reach out and run my fingers over Kai’s forearm as tears start spilling down his cheeks.
“I can’t. I’m fucked. I know that. I know you’ll think it too,” his voice quivers.
“You can’t speak for me.”
“I fucking can! Why do you think I’ve not been home since I left? I’m the dirty one. The one nobody wants.”
“I want you.”
“Really?” he yells, pounding his hands flat against his chest. “You want this?”
“Yes,” I say sternly.
“You want the tattooed freak who bashes himself in his sleep?”
“Yes.”
“You can’t handle my baggage!”
“Try me.” I can see in his eyes that he needs me to back away but not move a muscle, either. “Tell me, Kai. Tell me what you’re so scared I can’t handle.”
“You’re just as much of a freak as I am,” he berates.
My brow rises. “Maybe I am.”
“You really wanna hear this shit?”
“Yes.”
“You wanna hear how much of a damaged fuck up I am?”
“Yes.”
“You really wanna hear about how they broke my hands, held me over a pole, and took turns fucking me?”
My stomach jumps into my throat, but I refuse to let any shock or pity show on my face. “If that’s your story, then yes. I want to hear it.”
“Fuck you, Jesse! There’s no way you can mean that!” Kai pounds his fists into the plasterboard beside him, and I may as well be holding his beating heart on a platter.
“I’m not going anywhere.” I move even closer.
“Fine! If this is what you want.” He grabs my wrists, spins me around, and pushes me against the wall—forcing his thigh between my legs.
“Kai!”
“You said you wanted it. So let’s go.”
He goes straight for my belt.
I try to move aside, but I’m locked in place as his hip presses into me.
“Stop it, Kai. You know this isn’t what I meant.”
My belt is undone in a frantic flash.
I try to hold him off but he still manages to slide his hand inside my pants.
“Kai, stop!” I shout a final time before letting my fist fly.
Hurting him was the last thing I wanted to do.
But I’d tried to move, and I couldn’t.
And still, with my arms hanging limply by my sides, my desire for him has not waned.
Tearing his hands away from me, Kai stumbles back in fear—his hands covering his mouth in horror at what he just became. “J–Jesse… I’m so sorry,” he stutters, his shoulders rising and falling in quick succession.
“I’m okay.” I will be. I’m shaken, but not deterred. “I’m still here, aren’t I?”
Has he tossed me a grenade? Yes.
Can I handle it? Yes—If he’ll allow me to.
“Jesse! Kai! Where the hell are you two?” Esther’s voice echoes down the corridor.
“Shit.” As I quickly do up my pants and belt, my head shoots up to a cacophonous crash. “What the fuck?”
Kai has pulled down a box of stationary from the top shelf and its contents now littered the floor.
The door flings open. “What the hell are you two doing—Kai! Your face!” Esther gasps, stepping towards him with a cautionary hand.
“Fucking desk is out of everything. We were just trying to be helpful, and that box fell from up there and hit me.”
Esther looks distraught, like she can see an occupational health and safety meeting in her future.
“Shit… okay… Jesse, you get back out to the desk. I’m going to take Kai to the infirmary and I’ll be back as soon as I can to cover your lunch.”
I nod and slip my hand into my pocket as I squeeze past.
“You’re gonna be off for the rest of the day now. I hope you’re happy,” Esther rouses Kai as I solemnly walk back towards the desk in slow motion with nothing but white noise buzzing in my ears.
I’m blindly staring at the concierge computer screen when Esther lets herself into the reception area.
“Fucking hell,” she sighs. “That kid is gonna kill me one day.”
“Is he alright?” I ask meekly, still in a daze.
“Yeah, he’ll be fine. It’s just… There’s nothing neat about him. Everything is always full-blown or nothing. There’s no in between.”
I force out a dry chuckle. What else am I meant to do? It’s not like I can reply with Oh, you got that right, Esther. A gang rape will really distort your perspectives.
“Is your hand okay?” Esther asks kindly, moving to my side.
I cradle it to my chest. “Alcohol and I don’t mix sometimes.”
“It looks fresh. What did you do?”
“It was last night. It’s not bleeding, it’s just red.” I plunge it back into my pocket. “Can I take my break now?”
“Sure thing.” Esther steps back and allows me to pass. “See ya in fifty minutes.”
I stand static in the lunchroom for an indiscriminate amount of time. My thoughts, the sound of the fridge humming, the weight of the entire fucking world swirls around me at light speed like a vortex of numbness and anxiety. Despair. Concern for Kai. Utter disdain for the monsters who did this to him. Disgust for the people who weren’t there to support him when he needed it the most.
The walls are closing in on me.
I need to get out.
Snatching a coat that’s been hanging by the lockers every day since I started, I fling it over my shoulders and head outside where the bitterness of the icy wind is a refreshing and welcome juxtaposition to the sweltering fury burning inside me.