Chapter 36
THIRTY-SIX
SOMETHING TO YOU
Ryder
I parked in the first spot I found and turned off the engine. But I didn’t get out. I just stared out the windshield at the exterior of the apartment building.
I didn’t want to move or think or do anything really. As Theo put it, I was moping. But he would be too if he were in my position. Hell, he was in a very similar position not all that long ago.
I told her I would be patient, and I was doing my best to keep that promise. But every second that passed felt like we were further away from where I wanted to be. Like the longer we went without speaking and the more space I gave her, the more likely it was that she’d never come back.
The rest of the weekend was miserable, but I’d put on my best happy face for Miles and Stephen. The reception and the brunch the next morning were great. It was watching Caroline work and be so close but not being able to talk to her that was torture. She did a much better job at pretending like I didn’t exist.
It was safe to say I was spiraling .
I went from numb to heartbroken every other minute. Staring out my windshield was one of those numb moments.
Finally, I mustered the ability to push open the door and step out into the summer evening. It was uncomfortably warm, and I began sweating almost immediately, my dress shirt and slacks sticking to me awkwardly as I retrieved my jacket and my backpack with my laptop from the back seat.
I wasn’t paying attention as I walked up the stairs. I was more focused on thinking about taking a shower, changing clothes, and sitting in the dark, binging reality TV on the couch. It was what I would have preferred to do all day rather than go to work and pretend like I cared to be there.
With my mind elsewhere, I didn’t see Caroline standing in front of my door until I was only a few feet away. Immediately, I stopped. She spotted me at the same time and froze.
“What—?” I started, shaking off the surprise and blinking to test if she was just a figment of my imagination.
“I—uh…I thought you just weren’t answering the door because it was me.”
“I would’ve answered, but I just got home,” I said.
Caroline was wearing athletic shorts and a lightweight jacket that was unzipped, displaying my T-shirt I’d lent her beneath it. A kernel of hope bloomed in my gut as I stepped forward. She didn’t have on an ounce of makeup which I only noted because it was unusual for her. Similarly, her hair didn’t look like it’d been brushed, tied behind her head in a haphazard ponytail.
“Do you want to come in?” I asked as I stepped forward.
She nodded and let me walk past. “That would be great.”
I fumbled with my keys for a second, but finally managed to open the door. I flipped on the kitchen light and dropped my backpack on one of the barstools. I slung my jacket over the back and turned to find Caroline standing just inside the closed door.
“Do you want?—”
“I know we both probably have a lot to say,” she said quickly, urgently. She dropped her bag next to the door and stuffed her hands into her jacket pockets. “But if I don’t get this out now, I don’t think I ever will.”
Startled by her sudden explosion of words, I nodded.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes for a moment, like she was trying to ground herself or prepare. I rubbed my sweaty palms against my pants and waited with bated breath. She tilted her head down and stared at her shoes as she spoke.
“When I was twenty-one, my boyfriend died.”
Of all the things I expected her to say, that was not one of them. The hurt in her voice made me want to wrap her in my arms and never let go. My heart ached for her.
Then she told me about Daniel. She told me from beginning to end about their relationship—how long they’d been together and how she thought it would be forever. Then she explained the accident and the outcome.
The entire time I gripped the counter for dear life and watched this woman I cared so deeply for pour her heart out to me while she stared at the floor then her hands. She was still my confident, unshakable woman, but that mask she wore so proudly had finally fallen.
I would’ve never been prepared for what it hid.
“I made him this scrapbook,” she said, her voice shook, and the longer she spoke, the harder it was to keep from crossing to her. “It was for when he woke up, all the memories we’d shared, but he never got to see it. And today, for the first time since he died, I looked at the damn book.”
Finally, the sob she’d been holding broke free, and she looked up at me.
“I’m so sorry, Ryder.”
In the next second, I wrapped her in my arms and muffled her tears and apologies against my chest. I tangled my fingers in the back of her hair and tugged her closer with the other until there was no space left between us.
I could feel her heartbreak, and whatever I had to do to make it better, I would do it without hesitation. I wished I could fix it .
And as much as I hated witnessing and feeling her sadness, something settled within me having her back in my arms. Her tears calmed quickly, and I wiped away my own as she pulled back. “I didn’t mean to make you cry. I didn’t mean to cry,” she said sweetly, lifting her hands to dry off my damp cheeks. “And I didn’t tell you this so that you’d feel sorry for me. It’s not an excuse for how shitty I treated you, it’s just an explanation. One of the reasons I’m…closed off.”
I nodded and brushed my thumb over her mouth. “I understand, and I’m so fucking sorry.” Her smile was sad, but she took a deep breath and stood a little taller. “Do you want to come sit down?”
“Yeah, let’s sit.”
I led us over to the couch, and when she tried to take a seat on the cushion farthest from me, I tugged her closer with a hand around her hip and another at her knee.
“I’ve missed you,” I admitted, not letting her go. “I didn’t know if…I just want you close.”
She set her hand on top of mine and nodded. “There’s more I should probably tell you.” She licked her lips and stared down at where our hands met, running her thumb back and forth over my hand.
“The first relationship I had after Daniel died was with an older guy. He was in his late thirties, and I was only twenty-three. Not that I have an issue with an age difference,” she said with a small smile. “But I desperately wanted some sort of connection again, and when I met Jaxon, I thought I’d found that.”
I already didn’t like where the story was going, but I stayed quiet and let her continue.
“It was a whirlwind—flowers, chocolate, trips, the works. I was fresh out of college and barely making enough to afford an apartment with a roommate, so his lifestyle was a very nice bonus. Until it all fell apart in an extravagantly horrible way.”
She rubbed a hand over her mouth and sighed. “He had some i mportant job—I honestly can’t even remember what it was—so he was always traveling. Or so I thought. He told me one weekend that he’d be out of town, and I didn’t think anything of it. I was working at an event planning company as an assistant event coordinator, and we had the entire weekend booked up for a VIP client anyway. We were supposed to show them a ton of venues, nail down all the details. It was a wedding planning marathon, and my first huge event. I was overly prepared, so I knew it would be perfect. Until Jaxon walked into the first tour and kissed the bride.”
God, I was running through emotions today. My numbness had turned to rage, and now, the anger coming off me felt like it would singe my skin.
“You’re kidding.”
“Nope,” she said, popping the ‘p.’ “Unfortunately, I’m not. The man who had renewed my belief in love had shit all over it in less than a second when he walked into the wedding venue and into the arms of his perfect fiancée.”
I shook my head and ground my teeth together. Looking up the address and phone number for every man named Jaxon in his late forties wouldn’t be going too far, right? It would take some time, but it would be worth it to find the right one.
“What did you do?”
She shrugged. “I did my job. The look on his face was enough for me in that moment. He’d tried to pull me aside a few times, but I wouldn’t talk to him. I didn’t care what he had to say. He was dead to me the second I saw him.”
Fuck, my tough girl.
“So, I waited until the weekend was over, and I called his fiancée and told her everything. She said she knew he had slept around, and it was unfortunate it had been with me. But that she wasn’t really worried. She knew who she was marrying.”
Enthralled by her story, I leaned forward and placed my elbow on the back cushion, resting my head on my hand.
“She didn’t tell him, and he finally took the hint and stopped talkin g to me altogether. She knew, so I’d done my part. But she ended up marrying him and filed for divorce less than a year later. They hadn’t signed a prenup, so she got more than half of everything. I guess she felt bad for me, and mentioned that she was glad I hadn’t told anyone else, so she gave me a tidy sum. And that’s how I started my business—with my fuckface cheating ex’s money.”
A startled laugh escaped me, and I couldn’t contain my grin. “Holy shit, you’re a badass.”
She brushed her shoulder off and smiled her first genuine smile since I’d found her outside my door.
“I guess so, but as sweet as that revenge was, and helpful to the rest of my life, that relationship fucked me up more than I wanted to admit. I couldn’t trust anyone for a really long time. Losing Daniel then realizing Jaxon was a despicable human, it made me retreat. And letting anyone in again meant they had the ability to hurt me in so many different ways.”
“I would never?—”
“I know,” she said, squeezing my hand. “But love can make you the happiest or the saddest person on earth. And I didn’t want to try for happy when sad was such a real possibility and all I’d known.”
My pulse raced, and I sucked in a sharp breath that pierced through my lungs.
Love.
She’d said it so casually I almost missed it. Like it wasn’t the word I’d been silently using for years to describe how I felt about Caroline. A feeling that had only grown stronger over the past few months.
I cleared my throat and carefully considered my next words. Caroline Grant was sitting in front of me, holding my hand, throwing around the word “love,” and telling me all her deepest secrets. I didn’t want to fuck it up because of my big mouth.
Chewing on my bottom lip, I was struggling to find the right way to ask the question clawing at the back of my mind. Impulsivity was more my style.
“How—” I began but stopped just as quickly. She silently urged me to continue just using her eyes, so I did, eloquence be damned. “How did you get here? I mean, a few days ago, you almost walked away, and I swore you were going to end things. I thought you were going to walk away again, only this time, it would be for good.”
One side of her mouth tilted upward, and she glanced back down at our hands. Her jacket sleeve had ridden up her hand, revealing that little purple ring on her right ring finger.
“I thought I might, but I couldn’t. You changed…everything,” she said, her smile widening and a teasing glint appearing behind her red eyes. “I always said that I was open to a relationship, but it had to be with someone who was exceptional. Someone who made me better and would be a partner. My life was already full—I didn’t need anyone.”
She took a breath and lifted her free hand to cup my cheek. “But that was only partially true. I needed someone I could trust, and I needed to trust myself. And then you came along, and I felt that. I felt things I didn’t think I’d ever feel again. And it was terrifying. I never expected it, especially with you. No offense.”
“None taken,” I said with a grin.
“You made me face these feelings, and I just needed to work through my mental blocks before I could fully embrace it. No one else did that. I don’t think anyone else could.”
I was going to have a heart attack. I was sure of it the way my heart raced, and my pulse skyrocketed. Her eyes dropped to my lips, and her hand tangled in the back of my hair. She pushed up on her knees and scooted closer to me until her legs brushed the side of mine.
“You asked me the other day if I wanted to be something to someone,” she said, and I held my breath. I don’t know where that had come from, but it sounded good in the moment. “The answer is no. I don’t just want to be something to someone. I want to be something to you .”
My stomach almost dropped out of my ass for a moment, but fuck, that last sentence was really going to send me into cardiac arrest. My smile was unbidden, and I reached for her.
“But,” she said, stopping me before I could touch her. “I understand if it’s too much. If you can’t forgive me for the way I treated you. And since I’m still figuring it all out, I have to ask you to continue to be patient with me. After years of closing myself off, it’s a lot. So, if you want to walk away, you can, and I won’t stop you.”
With a growl, I propelled myself forward and tackled her onto the couch. She let out a surprised laugh and smiled up at me. I hadn’t thought about it before I started moving, so I quickly looked her over to make sure I hadn’t inadvertently injured her. Thankfully, her head landed on one of the pillows she’d picked out for me and the couch was soft otherwise.
I just wanted her to stop talking about one of us leaving.
“I told you then I wouldn’t walk away, and nothing’s changed. You may not need me, baby, but I need you.”
Kneeling between her spread thighs, I planted an elbow beside her head and placed my other hand against her cheek, directing her to look up at me. She stuttered out a broken breath and sighed, placing her hands on either side of my neck.
She smiled, and I couldn’t wait another second to feel her lips against mine.
Like she couldn’t resist either, she pressed up as I leaned down. The kiss was everything I’d ever wanted. Finally, when her lips brushed mine and her tongue swiped at the seam of my mouth, I felt the confidence and surety I’d wanted to feel since our first kiss. No more hesitation or barriers. She was there with me one hundred percent, and I could feel it everywhere.
Caught up in the euphoric feeling, I mumbled against her lips, “Fuck, baby, I love you.”
True or not, I didn’t mean for those words to come tumbling out in that moment. Beneath me, Caroline froze and let her head fall back onto the pillow.
I fumbled for something else to say, to backtrack before she could run again. Her eyes bounced between mine, and her wet lips opened and closed a few times.
“I did not mean to say that. I mean, I feel it. I meant it, but that was probably the wrong time to say it. Especially after you asked me to be patient. And you don’t have to say it back. I don’t expect anything. I know you’re just now?—”
With one hand over my mouth, she stopped me mid-ramble. Her unsure, surprised expression morphed into a small smile, and my thumping heart settled. My pulse returned to somewhere near normal.
“I don’t think I’m ready yet, but I feel it, too. I promise I do. What I feel for you, Ryder, I’ve never cared about someone like I care about you. It makes my heart hurt how much I do.”
My response was muffled by her palm which she slowly removed. “I believe you, baby.”
She tangled her hands in the back of my hair and tugged me down, kissing me hard and showing me with her actions how much she cared even if she couldn’t find the words yet. Then a realization hit me, and I pulled back, narrowing my eyes.
“You haven’t scolded me for calling you ‘baby,’” I observed. “Is that allowed now?”
She rolled her eyes and shook her head in mock annoyance. “I’ll allow it for now,” she said. “But only if you give me something in return.” She pushed her hips off the couch and dragged them along my aching erection, making her intentions and desires crystal fucking clear.
With a groan, I rolled my hips and watched her mouth pop open on a silent moan. “Anything, baby,” I promised. “I’ll give you anything you want.”