Chapter 15 #3
She was particularly intrigued by improved weaving techniques, even though Bryght knew very little about them.
She’d never given much thought to how patterns were made in woven cloth, but she could see the advantage in investing in improvements if they were practicable.
It was surely worthwhile to find ways to make pretty, sturdy cloth cheaply enough for everyone to afford.
Though tempted to go to her room and read the two books Bryght had given her, she knew that would only put off an encounter with an anxious twin. The footman in the hall told her Cyn and Chastity were now in the morning room, so she gave him the books and headed there.
She found them playing cards, but Cyn leaped to his feet as soon as she entered. “I was looking for you!”
I’m sure you were, she thought, and tried to distract him. “I was with Rothgar and Bryght. They’ve given me a job.”
“A job?”
“A part in the business.”
His frown eased into a smile. “And you’re glowing like a lamp. Poor Elf, has it been unbearably dull?”
Guilt. She could read it in his concerned eyes. “Not unbearable, no,” she said gently. “I think it’s just that a life of leisure palls eventually.”
“And leads into disaster.”
“I hope it won’t come to that.” Elf turned to Chastity. “Could I ask you, please, to visit Fort frequently and tell me how he goes on?”
Chastity rose, taking the hint. “Of course. In fact, I’ll go round now and fluff his pillows.” With a mischievous twinkle, she added, “I am so glad our sailing was delayed. I would have hated to have learned of all this months after it happened!”
She left, and Elf and Cyn looked at each other.
“I’m feeling guilty on a number of counts,” he said.
“I know you are. Please don’t.”
“But if I’d not left to suit myself, I’d have been here with you.”
“I doubt it. You’d have been tied to Bey’s plan, studying law and entering politics.”
“I’d have been close by,” he said impatiently.
“And miserable.”
“Instead, I left you miserable.”
Elf dismissed his concerns with a wave of her hand. “Have I appeared cast down? It is only recently that I began to feel restless.”
He wasn’t convinced, and took a sharp-stepped walk around the room. “Very well, then, what about this? If I hadn’t so absolutely rejected Bey’s plans for me, he might have thought of giving you a role to play.”
Refusing to fidget with him, Elf sat down on a sofa. “That’s nonsense. I’m a woman, so he never thought of it. He thought I’d be like Hilda and settle early into marriage. I suspect it’s still a bit of a struggle for him, but I would never accuse any of my brothers of inflexibility of mind.”
Cyn came to a stop, facing her. “All right. What about Walgrave, then? His behavior to his sisters was fueled by inflexibility. Would you want to trust yourself to him?”
She gripped her hands together, knowing his feelings sprang more from Chastity’s sufferings than from any cause of her own. “Don’t hate him, Cyn. Please. And don’t try to kill him. Our case is really no worse than yours.”
“You forget. I saw the way he treated you at Sappho’s.”
“He was still shocked. And it all goes back to when he killed his father. That is not an easy thing to live with, especially when he wanted to do away with him. Cyn, his father was a monster. Far worse than we thought . . . That, of course, is just between us two.”
“Of course.” Cyn sat opposite her, somber now. “I do know something of the earl. Chastity’s told me. It’s hard to imagine what it must have been like to have such a father. He was a tyrant to his daughters. I suppose he was as bad to his sons.”
“Worse. He used to whip him before the servants to break his pride . . .” She bit her lips to stop their quivering. “It must be hard to shake childhood terrors, even when grown.”
“True. And none of us thought about how killing his own father had to affect him. Even Chastity didn’t realize.
Of course, she was distracted by the fact we were free to marry.
We’ve been talking about it, this past day.
There we were, practically dancing on the corpse and not giving a thought as to how Fort might feel.
It was cruel, and damnably careless. But the damage is done.
He hates all Mallorens, and always will. ”
She feared Cyn might be right, but said, “Time might heal. We’ll never know if you kill him.”
“I gather I still need your permission.” He grimaced. “I do feel for the man but I couldn’t stand by and see him try to hurt you.”
“Then thank heavens you’ll be on the seas before he’s fit to fight. But I don’t think he’ll try to hit out at me once he cools down. I hurt him. He’d grown a shell to protect himself, and I chiseled at it until it cracked.”
“And now he’ll be growing it back, thicker than ever. People don’t change that much, Elf. Why the devil did you have to choose him to lose all sense with?” He was back to pacing the room.
“Is it surprising our tastes are the same?”
He swung to face her. “There’s no similarity between him and Chastity!”
“Come, come. There must be. Cyn, my body reacted to him before I found there was a man there I could like. Wasn’t it the same with you?”
He tried to object, but then shrugged. “Perhaps. Chastity certainly presented a formidable appearance when I first met her, and yet she fascinated me. She even tied me to a bed, which I gather mirrors your adventure.”
Elf didn’t like the fact that her brothers had been piecing together her story, and yet she supposed it was natural.
“There are many similarities. Chastity wore disguise, as I did. She didn’t want you to know she was the notorious Chastity Ware, for fear you’d recoil in disgust. I didn’t want Fort to know my identity for the same reason. ”
“The difference being that Chastity was pure and honorable and could be proved to be so. You are still a Malloren and always will be. No matter what happened between you, Elf, he will reject you for that reason.”
“I suppose that’s the male code!”
“No, it’s the nature of the beast. In this case, the beast’s nature is as inflexible as his damned father’s.”
“No! No, you’re wrong about that. He’s trying to fill his father’s shoes, and he’s built a shell around his feelings.
” She had to make him see, so she deliberately used an emotional weapon.
“Beneath the shell is a person who can be kind, a person like Chastity who can laugh and give laughter if freed to do so.”
It registered. When Cyn had first met his wife, she’d been hard and brittle because of her father’s cruelty. “Perhaps you’re right,” he said gently, “but can he be that person with Elf Malloren?”
He meant to be kind, but it hurt like a blow. “I don’t know.”
“Will you promise me something?”
“If I can.”
“If he can’t find the whole person with you, if he can’t be joyous in season with Elf Malloren, don’t marry him out of pity.”
She laughed bitterly. “He’s not likely to ask me.”
“He might come to his senses and beg on his knees.”
The prospect both appealed and terrified. “Wouldn’t that show—”
“No. It would only show that he knows he’s wounded. Not that he’s healed.”
“Perhaps I could heal him . . .”
He shook his head. “Promise me, Elf. Promise or I’m not leaving these shores.”
She didn’t want to. She wanted to be free to marry Fort on the most atrocious, demeaning terms if that was all she could have. But she steeled herself because she knew Cyn was right.
“I promise. It will hurt dreadfully, but I won’t marry Fort unless it can be with true love and joy. It’s mostly for his sake, though. He deserves to find someone with whom he can be joyous in season.”