Chapter Four
The last few weeks had been cold and dreary and very, very lonely. I spent a lot of time just searching for anything to distract me from the intrusive thoughts of a boy I would likely never see again. I couldn’t wait for winter break to be over. On one hand I enjoyed the laziness of sleeping in and having no responsibilities, but on the other hand, I missed the routine of campus life and my boisterous roommate. After all, there was never a dull moment when Alex was around. I knew she would distract me from thinking of Tobias with one of her outrageous ideas—like challenging random people in the dorm to a pillow fight or going to Goodwill and picking out the most horrendous outfits we could find and then going out to dinner.
But at home, my life was … well, not gloomy but definitely a little gray. Honestly, the house hadn’t felt the same since Dad officially moved out and moved in with Blair last year. It was as if all the warmth of the sun had been sucked out of the universe. He had invited me to spend Christmas Eve with them, but I just couldn’t do that. Holidays were supposed to be spent with family, and Blair wasn’t family. Plus, I wasn’t sure how I would handle seeing their smiling faces in pictures on the walls when all the memories of our family were now boxed up in the attic.
I put up a small Christmas tree on my second day home in a vain attempt to bring some joy into this house, but it wasn’t much better than the Charlie Brown Christmas tree before all the Peanut characters decorated it and made it look all shiny and new. Too many of our ornaments held painful memories, so I left many of them in the box. The tree was pretty pathetic, which just made me kind of sad.
It didn’t help my mood that this was the first time in my life that we didn’t go visit family, so it was just Mom and me, which meant I spent a lot of time reading, watching movies, and waiting for snow. Christmas just never felt like Christmas without snow. I couldn’t remember the last white Christmas we had, but I know I was a kid because my parents were still happily married to each other and we all went sledding until dark. I remember being so cold that I thought for sure my toes would fall off, but I kept begging to go ‘one more time’ at least twenty more times, much to my mom’s dismay. Eventually Dad was able to convince me it was time to go home with the promise of hot chocolate with extra marshmallows and a movie night.
I lay in bed for a while, not wanting to leave the warmth of my covers. I was supposed to head back to campus today, and as much as I missed Alex, I wasn’t sure if I was ready to return to the grind of my courses. It was going to be an extremely challenging semester, but I knew that after this, it should be smooth sailing … until graduate school anyway.
I finally forced myself to get up and start to get around for the day when I noticed the blanket of white outside my window. Of course, it would snow the day I was supposed to head back to campus so I couldn’t enjoy it. It was disappointing to say the least. I stared out my window for a while, enjoying the way the sunlight glistened on the soft, powdery snow before finally the smell of freshly brewed coffee beckoned me down the stairs. My mom was already at the table browsing casually on her phone. She had probably been up for hours even though it was a Sunday and she didn’t have to go into the office today. It was her normal routine. Structured and rigidly unbending—exactly what I never wanted to be.
“Morning,” I said as I poured myself a cup.
She set her phone down and said, “I went over your class schedule. I’m rather surprised you didn’t enroll in the Philosophy of Law course as we discussed.”
Typical—all business. There was no ‘Good morning, did you sleep okay?’And how on earth did she see my class schedule? In my head I screamed, I am an adult now and perfectly capable of deciding what classes I’d take without your input, but I knew I’d never get up the nerve to say that out loud. My mom hadn’t been the easiest to talk to in the last year, so I had been dreading this conversation all break long. She hadn’t handled the divorce very well; she seemed to be coping with everything by turning into an unfeeling robot. She had lost all semblance of the softness she once possessed.
“Oh yeah, I, um, signed up for Intro to Philosophy this semester instead because it didn’t conflict with Macroeconomics. I figured it would be just as beneficial, plus it’s a core requirement anyway,” I stammered a little bit, like I tended to do when I was nervous about a confrontation.
After a moment that seemed to drag on forever, she finally said, “Hmm, I guess that’s fine. But I still think you should add another elective. You are only enrolled in twelve credit hours. We don’t want to fall behind.”
We weren’t falling behind in anything. Twelve hours was still full-time, and I was still on track to graduate in a year, but I knew there was no point in arguing with her so I just said, “Okay, I’ll take care of it.”
“And don’t forget, it’s time to sign up for the LSAT,” she said, barely looking up from her phone. “Do you want to take them in February or June?”
Whoa, she actually asked me versus telling me what to do like she usually does. It took me a minute to answer, but finally I said, “Can I take it in June? This semester is going to be hard enough.” Especially if I am adding another class to my schedule.
“That’s fine. No later than June, though. We must stay focused.”
Focused.
Career-driven.
Independent.
These were the traits she had been pushing on me since Dad left. I understood her reasoning on why to an extent—she had been a stay-at-home mom for most of my childhood and only started working part-time once I started high school. After Dad left, she had to get a full-time job that she hated, and to say it was a struggle was an understatement. She had started taking online classes last semester in order to finish the business degree she gave up on when she got pregnant with me. I had hoped once she started school, she’d become less obsessed with the idea of me going to law school, but no such luck. Honestly, I think she just wanted me to become a better divorce attorney than the idiot she had. I wasn’t really interested in law, I just didn’t want to disappoint her.
“Okay.” I finished my coffee as quickly as possible so that I could hurry and finish getting my bag packed to return to campus. Two weeks with my mom was more than enough. I loved her, of course, but I never felt like I could fully relax and be myself around her. Everything was always so … stiff with her these days. I was eager to be back in my own space, even if that meant sharing a room with my free-spirited roommate, Alex. I may have had my own room at my mother’s house, but it was a space that she decorated, and while I was there I was expected to follow her rules right down to the way I replaced the toilet paper roll in my own bathroom. At least in my shared dorm room I got to do what I wanted, and that included not caring which direction the toilet paper rolled.
Alex had messaged me earlier saying that she wouldn’t be back until tomorrow afternoon since her classes didn’t start until Tuesday. Apparently, she had met a boy and decided to stay another day in New York. Alex had a knack for making friends wherever she went. It was a talent I was envious of. So tonight, since I would be on my own, I had big plans: junk food and a movie marathon.
I returned to campus by lunchtime, and after I finished getting settled back into my room I looked online at the courses available and saw one that piqued my interest:Intro to Russian Literature. I was sure my mom wouldn’t approve of another of what she would call a “fluff” course, but I’d just tell her it was the only one that fit with my current schedule, after all she was the one who insisted I be enrolled in more than twelve hours. She didn’t need to know that I was only interested in learning more about Russian literature because of a boy. That wasn’t inour four-year plan after all.