Chapter Six
I couldn’t tell if I was excited or nervous about starting my Russian lit class today. If mom knew about my schedule change, she hadn’t said anything yet.
After skimming through the syllabus, I was beginning to question my decision, though. Philosophy of Law would probably be an easier course load, that’s for sure.
Course Description
An examination of significant trends in Russian literature from the second half of the 19th century to the Russian Revolution and beyond. The course focuses on many masterpieces of 19th- 20th-century Russian literature.
Reading List
●Turgenev, Fathers and Children
●Dostoevsky, Brothers Karamazov
●Tolstoy, Anna Karenina
●Chekhov, Selected short stories and drama
●Bely, Petersburg
●Nabokov, The Defense
Reading/Writing Assignments
Weekly reading averages 150 pages a week. Final exam is a 10–15 page paper over a topic selected by you, the student, in consultation with me, the professor. Your final is given more weight than the midterm. Class participation is extremely important, so plan on participating daily.
Reading 150 pages a week wasn’t anything out of the ordinary for me. Of course, I didn’t typically read classic Russian literature. All the same, it wasn’t the reading I was necessarily worried about but rather the ten-to-fifteen-page final exam paper. I’ve never written a paper longer than five pages in my entire academic career.I was still reading through the syllabus when the heavy classroom door opened.
“Morning, everyone. Dr. Kiuchi had a bad tumble down a mountain in Breckenridge and has broken his leg. He’s scheduled for surgery later this week, so until he returns, you’re all stuck with me.” He flashed a quick grin, and it was answered with a murmur of polite laughter amongst everyone around me. I, on the other hand, was trying not to vomit. “I’m Tobias Clark, his TA,” he continued as he searched through a stack of papers on the desk.
Tobias looked up once he found what he was looking for and said, “Shall we be—” He stopped mid-sentence, and right at that moment I wished more than anything I had the ability to melt into my chair. Our eyes locked. His cheeks pinkened, and I thought I might seriously just die.
Bookstore Boy was my TA.
So much for never seeing each other again.
He recovered quickly and began his lecture as if nothing out of the ordinary had just passed, but I was too stunned to register the words coming out of his mouth. All I could think about was the fact that things would have been better had we just shared that one perfect day. Sure, a part of me had longed for something more. In the last few weeks, I had wondered numerous times, Even if I hadn’t lost his number, would I have been brave enough to call?Could I have given in to the possibilities of what if despite my reluctance and tendency to avoid putting myself into any position where I don’t know exactly what is going to happen? If I was completely honest with myself, there was something about him that made me want to … Well, I don’t know exactly what, but something about him made me want to do something … not necessarily risky, but definitely out of my comfort zone. After all, there was something about him that made me spend an entire day with a total stranger. I hadn’t ever felt like that or done anything like that before, but it didn’t matter now because all of that was all out the window. There was no way I could allow anything more to happen between us knowing who he was now.
As if my dad having an affair with a student wasn’t enough of an embarrassment, I didn’t want to even think about the unwanted attention being involved with my TA would bring me.
Of course, I knew I was being silly. We had one day together. That hardly counted as dating. More importantly, there was a very good chance that Tobias wasn’t nearly as affected by me as I obviously was by him. Maybe to him, it was just a day spent with a stranger whose company he enjoyed for the moment and nothing more. In fact, it was awfully arrogant of me to think that there was anything truly between us.
It was the longest hour of my life. When there was a minute left, I hurriedly gathered my belongings, intending to make a beeline for the door and run immediately to my advisor to change my schedule. Again.
“Um, is there a Tamsin Seger in here?” Tobias asked, looking around like he didn’t know exactly who I was and effectively causing me to freeze in place.
I slowly raised my hand, knowing that my classmates would undoubtedly recognize my name and remember the scandal associated with the last name Seger. Reluctantly, I said, “That would be me.”
A tiny girl with short, shiny black hair turned around in her seat to gape at me. She pushed her glasses up onto her nose and didn’t even look embarrassed when I stared back at her. Nosy much?
“Dr. Kiuchi has left a note regarding your late enrollment. Do you have time to stay after class?” he asked pointedly. “It shouldn’t take long.”
My next class wasn’t until this afternoon. I swallowed the newly formed lump in my throat and said, “Um, yeah, I have a few minutes.”
“Great, everyone else, you may go. Don’t forget to read through chapter four before Tuesday.”
The class emptied quickly, leaving Tobias and me alone in awkward silence.
“So, this was unexpected,” he said, gesturing between us.
“And the understatement of the year goes to…” I mumbled.
“You didn’t call,” he said, and I didn’t want to tell him the embarrassing story of how I lost his phone number, so I ignored the statement altogether.
“You didn’t tell me you went to Parkhurst,” I countered.
“You didn’t exactly disclose the information either,” he pointed out.
“This is weird.”
“It doesn’t have to be.” He took a step closer to me, but I backed up automatically to put distance between us. I glanced around to see if anyone was watching us, but of course no one was. It was just the two of us in this suddenly very small classroom.
“I don’t want anyone to know that we know each other, you know, outside of these walls. I know that might be stupid. It’s just…well…it’s a long story,” I said, hoping that would suffice and he wouldn’t ask me to elaborate.
“Tamsin, we don’t really know each other outside of these walls,” he said quietly. Even though I knew it was ridiculous to be hurt by his statement, I think we already established I wasn’t exactly being rational today. He wasn’t completely wrong—we didn’t even exchange last names—but at the same time, he probably knew more about me than even Alex did.
“You’re my teacher.”
“Not really. Besides, until I finish my doctoral degree, I’m technically just a student.” He winked. I shook my head in a vain attempt to clear my head from the fuzziness beginning to invade my thoughts.
“Until Dr. Kiuchi returns, though, you basically are. I just don’t want any rumors to start, you know?” I had enough of those already. I didn’t need to add fuel to the fire.
He studied my face for a moment before he said, “So, complete strangers?”
I gulped. “Yes.” My head was still fuzzy, and it was getting hard to think straight.
“Simply a student and her teacher …” he continued.
“Exactly,” I agreed. Until I could change my schedule anyway. My advisor was going to think I was crazy for dropping a class I just added.
“Okay, then. If that makes you feel better,” he conceded.
“Thank you.”
“You’re welcome.” He paused thoughtfully, and I wished more than anything I knew what he was thinking. “See you Thursday.”
I nodded and made my escape. Once out of the classroom, I felt like I could finally breathe again. I leaned up against the cool wall and let myself slide down to the floor. A shadow emerged above me. The black-haired girl with the staring problem was standing in front of me. Was out in the hallway this whole time?
“You’re Dr. Seger’s daughter, aren’t you?” she asked, pushing her glasses up again. Maybe she should get those resized.
“Yeah,” I said, bracing myself for what I knew was coming next. It was always the same.
“Wow. If I was you, I’m not sure I’d be able to show my face on campus again. I mean, how embarrassing that your dad almost lost his job because he was screwing a student.”
I learned a long time ago there’s no fixing stupid.Blair was never technically his student. She was a graduate assistant in the history department—not biology. What they did was completely unethical and not exactly socially acceptable, but he was never going to lose his job. There weren’t even any disciplinary actions taken since she was no longer affiliated with the school when they got engaged and there was no proof that anything untoward occurred, but obviously on a campus this small, nobody had anything better to do than speculate about my dad’s indiscretion. It didn’t matter that they were married now; it felt like I was still dealing with the repercussions of his actions.As angry as I was at my dad for putting our family in the situation, I didn’t like anyone else bashing him either.
“You’re an idiot.” I stood up, shaking my head. There was nothing else to do but just walk away.
Sometimes I wondered if it would have been better if I just transferred. It might be worth it to accumulate thousands of dollars in debt to avoid the constant whispering. But I loved Parkhurst. I loved the campus, the professors, and as annoying as it was to deal with the whispers, I didn’t really want to leave. I passed through the rest of the day in a hazy blur, barely registering what anyone said to me.
It was only once I was back in my dorm room, staring blankly out the window as the sunset cast an orange-purple glow across campus that I realized I never did go get my schedule changed.