Chapter 19 The Gay-Straight Alliance
The Gay-Straight Alliance
Drama class ends and I head to my car as if I’m going home.
I find a packet of peanuts in the glove compartment and alternate between chewing on stale nuts and my fingernails.
I wait. Right on cue, the alien in my stomach awakens and tries to escape.
Scratch, scratch, scratch. It’s especially manic today.
Oh my God, I’m going to throw up. I rock back and forth trying to make it stop.
A knock on the window startles me out of my state.
“Are you praying? Fuck! Please tell me you’re not praying. I can’t handle that shit!”
I open the window to a red-faced Paul. I imagine I must look a little green and I stare at him wide-eyed, not knowing what to say.
“Leave him be, Paul. He’s not praying. He’s nervous,” says Latica, appearing from behind Paul. “Simon, do you want us to get in the car with you?”
I nod and Paul climbs in the back, and Latica gets in on the passenger side.
“You know, it’s almost three o’clock. We should head in. I don’t like being late to anything. It shows lack of discipline,” Paul says.
“I know we need to go,” I say. “But give me a minute, okay?”
Latica tentatively pats my shoulder and gives me a tender smile. I thank them for coming, and I truly mean it. I told them about the club at lunchtime on Monday and how I wanted to go. They immediately offered to tag along without me even asking them.
I support the gays, Paul had said. And we should be there for our friend, Simon. Latica had agreed.
We made a plan to meet at my car after school so we could walk into the meeting together.
Believe it or not, this was also Paul’s idea.
Paul is a unique and complex individual who I am still trying to figure out.
Just when I think he is cold and clinical, he surprises me with something sweet and thoughtful that leaves me thinking I don’t know him at all.
I’m much calmer with Paul and Latica at my side as we walk back into the school and head to the drama room.
As we approach, I see the door is closed, and the meeting has already started.
The first thing I hear as we open the door is Tillie’s Southern drawl saying something about cupcakes.
She immediately turns around and flails her arms excitedly.
“My lovelies! Thank you for coming. Welcome to the GSA! We are a small, but mighty group. Come in, have a seat.”
There are only five other students sitting in a circle, but Tillie is in her element holding court.
She is still Tillie the drama teacher, but there is also something different about her manner.
Maybe something more mothering in nature?
But my hopes of seeing PJ here are quickly shattered.
There are three kids I don’t recognize, a girl named Toni from biology, and goth-girl Suzi.
She shoots me an evil stare as I drag a chair over to the circle.
“Doughnuts and lemonade are in the back,” Tillie trills.
I turn to look for the doughnuts and lock eyes with PJ who is pouring himself a cup of lemonade. PJ drops his cup, and it spills all over the table and on top of the doughnuts. Tillie jumps into action, grabbing paper towels from a broom closet.
“PJ, don’t you worry about this one bit,” she says. “I’ve got you covered. Oh, my, these doughnuts will have to go. Suzi, sweetheart, can you bring me another box of doughnuts? They are in the bottom left drawer of my desk.”
Suzi gets up begrudgingly, fetches the doughnuts, and gives them to Tillie.
PJ turns his back to the room and uses paper towels to mop up the mess.
He pats himself dry while whispering conspiratorially with Suzi.
Paul laughs loudly next to me, and I know my face must look like a Red Delicious apple.
Latica locks eyes with the floor tiles while everyone else looks around wondering what the hell is going on.
A boy I don’t know grabs several of the fresh powder-white doughnuts.
He stuffs one in his mouth and claps PJ on the back.
“Gurl, graceful you are not. I wouldn’t recommend wearing heels with those moves.”
Now, it’s PJ’s turn to blush. Wow, he looks so adorable, and all I want to do is run over and hug him. I want to take off his wet shirt and pat him dry with paper towels.
Stop it, Simon! Don’t go there, not now, I tell myself.
Tillie puts on her metaphorical teacher hat and takes back control of the room.
“All right, you crazy kids, enough. Let’s get everyone back to the circle. It’s only spilled lemonade. It’s not that exciting. Okay, so where were we? Oh, yes, we were talking about the Pride bake sale. Toni, you said you can make a batch of rainbow-colored cupcakes?”
“Sure, no problem.”
“Good, that will be perfect,” Tillie continues.
“But…tell you what, let’s circle back around to the bake sale in a bit.
Since we have some new members, let’s go around the room and say our name, preferred pronouns, and a little bit about ourselves and why we are here.
I’ll start. My name is Tillie. I’m the drama teacher, and I’m also the faculty sponsor for our Gay-Straight Alliance.
Remember, you don’t have to be gay or straight to be here; you just have to be you.
I identify as she/her. I am straight. Though…
I did have a phase in college… But I probably shouldn’t tell you about that!
Let me simply say that it was the seventies, my lovelies. ”
She snickers, and everyone laughs along with her, including PJ.
“I’m currently married to my second husband, Roy, but we will see how that goes.”
I make eye contact with PJ and smile. He stops laughing and looks away from me. It makes me want to cry, and I wipe my eyes in case they are watery.
“Okay, Toni, you’re next,” Tillie says.
Toni leans forward and puts her elbows on her knees.
“Hi, I’m Toni. My pronouns are she/her. Um, yeah, I don’t know what to say. I like girls. Yeah, that’s all. I like girls.”
“Toni, don’t you want to tell everyone something more about yourself?” Tillie says.
Toni stares at her vacantly so Tillie moves on to the boy who told PJ not to wear heels.
“Hey, I’m Cisco, but you all know that. I love life, and I love everyone. As Hedwig once said, Try and tear me down. As for pronouns, I prefer he/they, but honey, you can call me anything you like, as long as you don’t call me late to dinner.”
Cisco’s line about dinner is a bit clichéd, but I’m curious as to who this Hedwig person is. I vibe with the “try and tear me down” phrase. Is Hedwig a student at this school or possibly even someone in this club? The girl sitting next to Cisco goes next.
“Hi, I’m Lola. You can refer to me by she/her.
I’m a social justice warrior and a straight ally.
I’m here for each and every one of you. After this meeting, I will give every one of you my number.
Call me anytime, day or night. Cisco is my friend, and they are fabulous!
Harvey Milk is my personal hero. It’s a tragedy that there are only nine people here in this room.
I know there are other queer people in this school, and they won’t come to this group.
That’s bullshit! I can’t even get my straight brothers and sisters in this loco school to see the injustice that is right before their eyes.
They need to be a part of this group. Outreach is my focus, and I promise to do better. ”
“Thank you, Lola, but please watch the language. After all, we are still on school grounds,” Tillie chides. “Okay, Frankie, you’re next. Tell us something about you.”
“Hello, I’m Frankie. I’m genderqueer and nonbinary. My pronouns are they/them. I want to say that I believe in this group and I’m truly grateful to Tillie for hosting it for all of us. I get lonely sometimes. Truthfully, I get lonely a lot, and this group helps me. It makes a difference.”
Lola reaches over and squeezes Frankie’s hand. It’s a sweet gesture during a tender moment.
“Okay, since we are being real, my name is PJ. My pronouns are he/him. I’m gay but being gay has not always been a cakewalk for me.
I came out in eleventh grade. My parents know and haven’t thrown me out of the house or anything as extreme as that, but they won’t let me talk about it.
Like, never. They think I should keep it to myself.
Even when my best friend, Larry, beat me up last year, they didn’t want to hear about it.
He messed me up so badly I had to go to the hospital for a broken nose, three cracked ribs, and twelve stitches. ”
Lola bursts into tears and rushes to hug PJ. “I’m here for you,” she says. “I will fight for you.”
PJ peels himself from Lola’s embrace and continues.
“Why did Larry beat me up? He beat me up because I wrote him a letter and told him I liked him. He waited for me after school and ambushed me. I’m assuming several of you remember Larry.
If you’re wondering whatever happened to him, well, he went to a juvenile detention center for a while and now goes to a new school.
He still lives in the area, and I live in fear he will come over to my house and try to hurt me again.
My parents think this was my fault and have basically told me so.
Larry had been part of my group of friends since junior high.
Now, none of them will talk to me. They blame me for getting Larry sent away to the detention center.
So yeah, I’m gay, but it hasn’t been the most positive experience for me so far.
I’m grateful to Suz here, who has picked up the slack and been more of a friend to me than my old crew.
On that happy note, Suz, I love you, and I guess you’re next. ”
“I’m Suzi. I know I don’t look like my name, but I like the juxtaposition.
I’m PJ’s friend and no one, I mean no one, is ever going to hurt him again.
” Suzi turns to look straight at me and glares.
Narrowing her eyes and curling her lip, she doesn’t break eye contact.
I shift my weight in my seat, look away, and scratch at my skin.
Tillie, sensing trouble, steps in. “Thank you, PJ, for being so brave and sharing your story with everyone. Suzi, I’m sure you are a good friend to PJ. Are you comfortable saying your pronouns and why you are here?”
Suzi folds her hands across her chest, finally looking away, and says, “She/her. I’m a straight ally.”
“Wonderful,” Tillie claps. “Okay, how about you, newbies? Please share your delicious selves with us.”
Brazenly, Paul stands up and says, “I see there is some fierce loyalty in this crowd. Well, that’s how I feel about this pale weirdo next to me.”
Paul points at me, and I shrink into my chair.
“Simon is super gay. I mean extra, super gay! And I may be super straight, but we are super friends together. I am Batman to his Robin, and Latica is our Batgirl. And we will defend our friend, Simon, just as Lola will defend Cisco, and goth girl—sorry, I forget your name already—will defend the pajama boy. Right, Latica?”
Latica opens her mouth, but no audible sound comes out.
“Latica is super shy and doesn’t know whether she likes boys or girls or both. Right, Latica?”
Paul takes his seat, and Latica smiles shyly at the floor. Cisco breaks the tension.
“Whoa, super friend, Superman, or whoever you think you are, it’s all good here, honey. Love is love is love. Everyone here supports everyone.”
“Yes, that is true,” Tillie interjects. “Thank you, Cisco. Now, Latica, if you don’t feel comfortable sharing, that’s okay.”
Latica keeps her eyes glued to the floor.
“Simon, that only leaves you. Tell us something amazing about yourself.”
“Hi! I’m super friend Simon,” I say, pumping my fist to the sky in a Superman pose.
My attempt at humor falls flat, so I take a deep breath and continue.
“Yeah, I’m Simon. My pronouns are he/him.
I’m new here. My mom changed jobs, and we moved to Rockville over the summer.
You know, it’s kind of weird to change schools for your senior year, make new friends, and things like that.
To make it more complicated, I’ve only just come out as gay.
I guess I have always known I was gay, but for a variety of reasons that I won’t go into today, I’ve had trouble coming out.
What I do want to say is…I’ve met a boy.
A very cute boy who gives me butterflies and makes me smile when I think about him.
I can’t stop thinking about this boy, and I am developing some very deep feelings for him. ”
“Yas, queen, yas!” Cisco stomps their feet and snaps their fingers.
Feeling more confident, I continue. “Meeting this boy helped me fully accept myself. I started coming out to people—friends and strangers alike—and I finally said the words out loud: I’m gay.
Meeting him has had a very positive effect on me.
But I’m afraid I may have inadvertently hurt this boy.
I fucked up. I did something stupid, and I don’t even know why I did it. ”
“What happened, Simon?” Frankie asks earnestly.
“Well, what happened was, this boy tried to hold my hand. I freaked out and pulled my hand away, sending the wrong message. I think he felt like I was rejecting his affection. But nothing could be further from the truth. I have replayed this moment over and over again in my head. I wish I hadn’t pulled my hand away.
All I’ve done since is dream about not pulling my hand away and holding hands with him at that moment.
All I want to do now is hold hands with him. All day. Every. Single. Day.”
I realize I have been saying all this staring at the floor.
I look around the circle. Tillie is dabbing her eyes with a tissue.
Paul is speechless for the first time since I’ve met him, and Latica’s smile is bigger than ever.
Cisco is holding hands with Lola and Frankie, and they look so compassionate.
Toni is also smiling, but Suzi, well, Suzi does not look happy.
In fact, she looks angry as hell. As for PJ…
Wait, PJ is no longer in his seat. He is walking over to me.
I can’t believe this. PJ is standing in front of me, not saying a word.
Seconds go by like hours as he looks into my eyes.
What is going on? Say something, anything, please! Embarrass me, yell at me, just do something!
The room holds its breath as PJ slowly raises his hand…and holds out his open palm to me.