Chapter 26 A Very Bionic Halloween
A Very Bionic Halloween
PJ and Aunt Sarah crossed paths once, but she never asked who he was, and I didn’t bother to introduce them.
Either she figured it out or she didn’t.
It seemed like a weird time to be like, Oh, Aunt Sarah, by the way, I’m gay too!
You know, like Mom, but it’s not her fault.
I was born this way, and also…this is my boyfriend.
Either way, I can’t worry about it now; I have other plans to put into action.
Halloween has always been a big production in the Bugg household.
No matter where we lived, we always had our orange-and-black storage tubs filled with skeletons, fake gravestones, scary music CDs, and more plastic pumpkins than you can possibly imagine.
One year we even rented a fog machine. We thought we were so cool.
However, our brilliant idea backfired when someone called the fire department thinking the apartment building was on fire.
We laugh about it now, but it took years before the neighbors forgave us.
Halloween is just what I need to execute my perfect plan to bring Mom out of her coma. Fingers and toes crossed.
I’m standing outside the hospital in my costume, feeling like an idiot, waiting for Mags and Neel to drive up.
Carole and I spent the afternoon decorating Mom’s hospital room.
We hung orange-and-black streamers and placed a few battery-powered jack-o’-lanterns around the room.
I found a Halloween music mix that I played from my phone on low volume while we decorated.
Most of the nurses were accommodating, stepping over the decorations and looking the other way when we broke a few hospital rules.
Some even played along, saying Boo! when they entered the room and helping themselves to handfuls of candy from the trick-or-treat bowl.
I hope this means they will look the other way on the two-visitors-at-a-time rule for about half an hour.
It’s unusually warm for the end of October and I’m sweating in the heavy wool suit and tie I borrowed from Dad.
It’s way too big on me, and I don’t expect anyone will guess who I am dressed up as, but it’s the best I could do.
It’s not long before Neel pulls up with Mags’ hand waving from the passenger-side window.
They get out of the car to show off their costumes.
Neel is also in a suit and tie, but he has an awful fake reddish-brown mustache taped to his upper lip. Mags’ costume is way cooler than ours.
“Tada!” she says, as she jumps out of the car. “What do you think?”
“Awesome,” I say enthusiastically. Mags is dressed in an all-black jumpsuit with a black scarf and a big blonde wig. But the awesome part of her costume is the plastic robot mask covering her face.
“Who am I?” she asks.
“You’re a fembot. We’ve already talked about who is dressing up as who.”
“Yes, I know, but, who…am…I?”
I ponder this for a minute then get giddy with excitement. I jump up and down when I figure it out.
“Omigod! You’re Callahan! You’re fembot Callahan.”
Mags takes a bow. “At your service.”
I pull her into an embrace, overcome with emotion.
“Thank you for doing this for Mom!”
“This is super fun for me. How many episodes of The Bionic Woman did we watch with your mom over the years? And you know I love that Callahan was not merely Oscar Goldman’s personal secretary; she was also a fembot!
And fembot Callahan was ass-kicking fierce!
So, you better watch out or she might kick some Oscar Goldman ass if he doesn’t treat his secretary with the respect she deserves!
” She strikes a karate pose and Neel and I laugh.
I reach out to shake Neel’s hand. “Dr. Rudy Wells, I’m Oscar Goldman.”
Neel shakes my hand and says, “I still don’t get why you’re Oscar and I’m Rudy. Oscar is tall like me, and Rudy is short like you. This makes no sense.”
“Well, Oscar Goldman is Jewish, and I’m Jewish, so that’s why. Plus, I have these awesome seventies glasses and you don’t.” I smirk.
“Simon, you got those glasses from the costume shop. It’s the same place where I got my mustache.”
Neel is still talking, but I’m not listening. Strutting up the sidewalk in a red Adidas tracksuit is PJ dressed as none other than Steve Austin, the Six Million Dollar Man. I melt.
The zipper on PJ’s jacket is pulled all the way down to his belly button to reveal a rug of fake hair glued to his chest. He mock-runs in slow motion and makes the bionic running sound.
I can’t take it. I’m overwhelmed with how everyone has embraced my A Very Bionic Halloween idea for Mom.
Plus, PJ looks so damn cute. I have to kiss him now! I have to…
Unfortunately, Mags and Neel beat me to him and have their hands all over PJ’s chest. They stroke his fake chest hair and PJ grins like an idiot, clearly loving it.
“This may sound weird coming from a lesbian, but I kind of love this,” Mags says.
“I want chest hair just like this,” Neel says.
“Hey, hey. Enough of that. If anyone gets to play with PJ’s chest hair, real or not, it’s me.
Move aside.” Neel and Mags step out of the way, and I throw my arms around PJ’s neck and give him the most lingering kiss we have shared to date.
All is right in the world, and I can’t help but think there is no way that Mom won’t wake up for this. No way! She has to; she just has to.
Mags cracks open the door to the women’s bathroom and sticks her mask-wearing head into the hallway where PJ, Neel, and I wait.
“Okay, are you ready to be blown away? Close your eyes. Come on, Neel, you too, close your eyes.”
“Okay, my eyes are closed,” I hear Neel say.
The bathroom door opens, and I hear someone shuffle toward us. “Okay, you can open your eyes now,” Mags says.
Right in front of us, looking proud as can be, is the bionic woman herself—Jaime Sommers.
“Wow! Carole, you look just like her. This is amazing; I can’t believe it!” I say. From her white sneakers and bell bottom jeans to her sandy-blonde wig, Carole has been transformed. A white zippered top with colorful stripes finishes off the iconic look.
“Where on earth did you find the top?” I ask.
“Can you believe it?” Carole says. “Mags found it online and ordered it in for me along with her fembot mask. You can find anything you want on the Internet these days. How crazy is this? It looks so authentic. Simon, you may not know this, but your mom once told me that it was the Bionic Woman TV show that made her realize she was gay. Oh my God, that woman had a thing for Lindsay Wagner… Oh! I mean, has a thing for Lindsay Wagner.” Carole’s face turns red, and she looks away.
And just like that, the jubilant atmosphere is sucked right out of the hallway with Carole’s slip of the tongue. The four of us stand in silence until Mags comes to the rescue.
“Carole, I’m not blowing smoke up your ass when I say this… You look hot! Seriously, you’re a dead ringer for Lindsay Wagner. It’s amazing. You’re a librarian by day and an OSI agent by night. You have totally become the Bionic Woman.”
“Yeah, thanks, Mags, I appreciate it,” she says under her breath.
Neel leans over to me and whispers, “Wasn’t the Bionic Woman a schoolteacher by day?”
“Yes,” I say, “but that’s not the point.” Neel looks confused. No one else speaks for the rest of the walk back to the ICU.
We stand in a circle around Mom’s bed. No one knows what to do or what to say.
“Mom, wake up,” I whisper. “Look who’s come to see you.” I touch her arm lightly. She doesn’t make a sound. She doesn’t open her eyes. Just the steady beep…beep… of the monitor.
Without warning, Mags karate chops PJ in the neck and mock-battles him with bionic sounds and slo-mo action moves.
“You are no match for me, Steve Austin,” Mags says. “Prepare to meet your end!”
Everyone looks away.
“Please, Mrs. Bugg, you need to wake up,” Mags pleads. “Who will teach me all the lesbian things I need to know? Who?”
A nurse, who did not help herself to our Halloween candy, sticks her head in the door and says curtly, “Only two people in the room at one time. Three of you need to leave. Now!”
PJ, Mags, and Neel walk out without complaint, leaving me and Carole standing there feeling foolish in our ridiculous costumes.
Who am I kidding? This was never going to work.