Chapter 3
The morning birds chirping outside draw me from my sleep.
A soft light filters through my room as I wipe what remains of the night from my eyes.
For the first few moments, the nostalgia holds me in a comforting embrace.
The old pillows hold my head perfectly, showing off their years of being worn down to fit me just right.
All the old drawings that adorn the wall look as if they’re on display when the sunlight hits them just right.
I shuffle my feet together under the blanket, relishing in the softness of my comforter.
I would spend days rotting away in here if I could.
The joy of being surrounded by so many things that used to mean so much to me is far too tempting.
Slowly I drag myself out of bed, placing my feet one by one onto the floor. The air around me feels heavy, pushing down on me in an attempt to drag me back into bed. Knowing what waits for me outside of this room surely doesn’t help.
I roll my neck, letting my blonde locks sway in front of my face. Today will be like any other. It will be like last night didn’t happen. It’s always this way, a night full of sins erased by the morning sun.
Stretching my limbs, I make my way out of the room and follow the sound of my mother’s voice. There’s a cheerfulness to her tone that holds me in the hallway as I listen. “You’ll just love Nova,” her voice sings out with excitement. “She’s about your age as well.”
The light laughter of another woman fills the air before her voice hits my ear drums. “After everything you’ve told me, I can guarantee I’ll love her.”
I hold my breath as I look down at the ragged pajamas clinging to my body.
The old and stained fabric embarrasses me now that I know there’s others here.
Quietly, I slide back down the hallway until I’m tucked back into the safety of the bedroom.
My eyes dart back and forth, looking for my suitcase, before I finally see the black plastic poking out from underneath the comforter that is now piled onto one side of the bed.
The zipper slides open with ease and I begin to dig through the half haphazardly packed clothing.
Shirts of all different colors go flying behind me as I search for a pair of pants.
No no no. I think to myself as the bottom of the case comes into view.
Are you kidding me, Nova? I berate myself.
Nothing quite like a packing job when you’re coming off of sedatives.
I jump back up, immediately beginning the search for the jeans I wore yesterday. In an instant all the memorabilia around the room becomes nothing but clutter, disguising the one thing I’m desperate to find.
“Nova!” My moms voice filters in from underneath the door. “Baby are you up?”
I look back down at the rags I’m wearing before responding. “Yeah, I’ll be out in a moment.” Without another glance at myself, I accept my fate and make my way down the hall once more. At least now I have an excuse to leave home today.
Taking one last breath, I finally step into view of the front door.
My mother stands in front of me with a sundress decorating her body.
Her flowing hair is pulled tightly into a bun today, leaving me feeling even more of a mess than I did just two seconds ago.
I don’t even have time to explain why I look so disheveled before she’s stepping to the side and allowing our guests to view me.
“You remember Saint, don’t you?” She questions, motioning her hands to point to the giant who’s taking over our door frame.
My heart completely freezes up as my eyes trail up his body to meet his bright blue eyes.
They’re a stark contrast against the inky black hair that lays sporadically on the top of his head.
“Saint?” I question, a mix of bewilderment and insecurity racing in my mind. My arms cross over my chest, trying to hide what I can of my outfit as I continue to stare at him. It’s no use however, his stare feels as though it’s burning straight through my arms, bones and all.
“Saint Kennedy!” My mom laughs out, although I fear I may be the punch line this time.
I finally break my stare and turn my gaze towards her.
Her loving smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes like it did yesterday.
A sore reminder of how the night went. “He was your best friend and our neighbor! Or at least was before he met Abigail.” She punctuates her sentence with a knowing grin towards the man next to her.
“No fucking way,” I respond, letting my arms drop as I take him in again.
Saint Kennedy, he was top of the class, president of the robotics club, and my only actual friend.
After I left we never once spoke, I had been so wrapped up in trying to survive I hadn’t even noticed.
There’s no way that is the same man in front of me now.
“Language, Nova.” Another voice calls out from behind Saint.
He steps to the side allowing room for Dad to enter the house.
Sweat drips off of him as he steps out of the sun and towards my mother, pulling her in to kiss her cheek.
Without another word, he walks past me and into the kitchen.
My eyes stay glued to him as he opens the fridge and pulls out a half empty water bottle.
Although I’m unsure if I’m watching him out of fear of any repercussions that might come from speaking up last night or if it’s to avoid the long lost friend in front of me.
“Anyways,” mom begins, drawing out her ‘s’ until my attention is focused on her again. “This is Abigail! Saint’s girlfriend. She’ll be joining us at the farmers market today.”
A red head steps out from behind Saint with a glowing smile spread from ear to ear. Her excitement borders on uneasiness as she reaches out to shake my hand. I take hers in mine, attempting to mimic some of the happiness that oozes out of her. “It’s so great to finally meet you, Nova!”
“You too,” I respond, taking in her appearance.
A light pink flannel hugs tightly to her curves and is paired with a pair of ripped mom jeans.
She looks like every Starbucks employer's wet dream. A stark contrast to the gloomy cloud of a man next to her. “So what’s this about the farmer’s market, mom?
” I question, taking the extra second to position myself away from the walking ray of sunshine.
“Oh, you’re going to love it!” She exclaims, reaching out to rub down my arm.
Play Plastic Jesus by Tia Blake
Thirty minutes later, I find myself sitting in the passenger seat with the windows down and the summer sun beating down onto my skin. Thankfully after a mild panic attack, I was able to find my jeans before my mom dragged me out of the house in my pajamas.
The first fifteen minutes of the drive were full of Abigail and Mom sharing their excitement over supporting the local businesses. Each taking turns telling me about which stalls to get deals at and which ones to avoid.
“Ms. Ruby’s jam is to die for!” Abby, as Mom calls her, had squealed. She had sat in the middle of the back row and kept leaning forward in order to chat with us. “But stay away from the Bread Co. They’re an MLM scheme waiting to happen.”
If I was being honest with myself, her kindness was growing on me. Like a fungus someone can’t get rid of. I guess there’s worse things a human can be than overly sweet.
From what I was able to gather from their constant chatter, Saint had started working with dad in construction soon after graduation.
His mother had fallen sick, so he stayed behind in order to take care of her.
The idea of him being all alone in that house, freshly eighteen, unsettles something deep inside me.
He had never been one to really take charge, and I couldn’t picture the geek from high school having to grow up so quickly to take care of his only family member.
At some point in the last year, his mother had passed and that’s when he and Abigail took the leap and moved in together. Their relationship still seems super fresh, one still stuck in the honeymoon phase. It’s evident in the way she still blushes whenever his name is brought up.
“Just in time!” My mother squeals as she pulls into the parking lot.
Around us, cars quickly file in, taking up each parking spot.
I slide out the car, taking extra precaution not to hit the vehicle parked slightly too close to the line next to us.
Abigail matches my movements and heads towards the front of the car, turning and waiting for me with her hand stuck out as if we’re best friends and this is just another day for us.
Hesitation slides over me before I’m able to shake it off and grab her hand.
The world has never granted me friendliness without something in return.
And every moment spent with her feels like a moment closer to the catch.
“Are there any specific stalls you want to check out, Nova?” Abby asks, tugging me along the sidewalk towards the main entrance. I attempt to glance past the crowd in front of us, glimpses of colorful fabrics and stacks of vegetables peak through the bodies.
“Not that I can think of,” I finally respond, giving up on the search for something that piques my interest.
“That’s okay! We’ll just check out everything.”
It’s then I finally begin to let my guard down.
A smile tugs at my lips at the childlike excitement radiating off of her.
Maybe I can let someone in. Maybe I can have a friend.
That word feels foreign as it enters my mind.
The idea of dragging someone else into the disaster that is me has always felt more like an attack than a way to show I care.
Being isolated has always been the way to keep others safe.
It’s why I never let anyone in throughout college, and kept to myself at every job I’ve held.
I never wanted to be a weapon, but I didn’t know to be anything different.