Chapter 18 A Pretend Runaway
Play Head in the Clouds by Arrows in Action
Saint: I talked to both the guys
Saint: They’re headed over. If it’s okay with you I’d like to apologize to Abby in person so I haven't reached out
Me: Of course! See you soon
Saint: I love you SuperNova
Me: I love you too
I bite the inner corner of my lip, trying so hard to hold back the smile.
Mom knows, but we had both agreed to let dad get more adjusted before he found out we were together.
He’s only been home for two weeks, and the adjustment has been rough.
Temptation to relapse has hidden around every corner, and mom refuses to leave him alone.
Not that he’s complained, it’s obvious he missed her as much as she did him.
Even then, we don’t want to add any heavy feelings to his circumstances.
Sobriety is nothing more than a scale, one that’s very easy to tip.
Dad had opened up about his triggers to both of us.
And while he made it clear that this is not our responsibility, we still took it upon ourselves to prevent them from appearing.
“I filled the tank for you guys!” Dad calls out as he hops out of the run down RV.
His brother, my Uncle Ned, is letting us borrow it.
He had cut contact with our family once dad got his first domestic violence charge.
It had been nothing more than a slap on the wrist, but Uncle wasn’t willing to support it.
Since he’s been home, they’ve been trying to mend their relationship.
When Dad realized how much strain being at home with him was causing me, he had reached out to see if I could borrow it.
Just two days ago he came bouncing into my room with the widest smile I had ever seen.
“Call up your friends, Nova! You guys should go on a road trip!” He really had been trying.
He even let Saint take the week off to join us.
“Thank you, Dad!” I cheer out as I waltz down the steps.
The RV looks like it’s gone through a fallout.
Dents everywhere, peeling paint mixed with rust, and a large crack that splits the windshield in two.
Even then, it’s perfect. It’s the break from the tension that I so desperately needed.
When I had asked Abby she had been over the moon.
Saint had gotten Luke to tag along, and when Jackson found out the whole group was going he couldn’t say no.
Even with his anger towards Saint, they were still family in their own sense. A bond like that is hard to break.
For the first time since he’s been home, I find the courage to hug him. It’s light, and he knows better than to squeeze back. Instead he soaks in my touch, smiling down at me with a look that screams love.
“Only you and Saint can drive, okay?” He crosses his arms over his chest, attempting to look stern. “Ned will actually kill me if anyone else does. I didn’t stop drinking just to get taken out by my little brother.”
A small giggle leaves me. “Of course.”
The roaring sound of an engine steals both of our attention.
Luke’s Ducati comes into view as he barrels towards the trailer, stopping just short of the small gravel strip in front.
My heart swells at the sight of him. I hadn’t seen him since the concert, he had been so distraught and scared.
Looking at him now, all I can think is that I’m glad he’s alive.
My love for Luke will always be unique. Under that cocky ‘bad boy’ shell is just a boy who got lost somewhere along the way.
I don’t need to know the full story to know he never meant to hurt anyone.
Saint had let me know that the concert was Luke’s wake up call. That he was going to stop selling. I didn’t expect either of them to immediately stop using, especially with a drug that hard, so I was pleased that at least the distribution was coming to an end.
“Luke!” Mom screams out, swinging the screen door wide open before bounding down the steps. “Children live around here! Don’t ever let me catch you doing that again.”
His helmet is still on so I can only imagine the eyeroll he gives her as he responds, “yes ma’am.”
Dad snickers behind me, also finding the humor in the overbearing parent versus bad boy scenario going on in front of us.
“Definitely don't let him drive,” he whispers to me. I can’t help the laugh that tumbles out of me, catching both Mom and Luke’s attention.
I wave them off, hoping I won’t have to explain myself.
Within the next few minutes, everyone else has shown up. Saint does his best to stay away from me, knowing that we’re hiding it from Dad right now.
“Call me when you guys stop for the night, okay?” Mom hugs me.
“Of course!” I squeeze her back, giving Dad a smile over her shoulder.
Before she lets me go, she tugs me in closer, speaking so quietly I’m surprised I can even make out the words. “Don’t come back with baby fish.”
She steps back, taking her place beside Dad, and I do my best to hide the redness forming on my cheekbones. They wave us off, as if we're going on some great adventure
“Alright children!” Saint announces from his place behind the wheel. “Buckle up!” The old engine roars to life, and slowly but surely we leave Melrose behind.
My hand stays wrapped in Saint’s as we barrel down the highway. The music is blaring, and behind us the other three are playing some card game.
“Are you excited?” Saint asks, glancing at me through the rearview mirror.
“What for?”
“The beach. You’ve always loved it.”
I close my eyes and let my head rest against the cool glass of the window, imagining the sound of the waves crashing around me. “I am.”
He gently squeezes my palm, but stays silent to allow me to slip into the peace of mind. The laughter from behind blends in beautifully with the music, tugging my lips upwards. These four people have saved my life. Nothing will ever amount to the love I carry for them.
“Hey Nova!” Jackson calls out. My eyelids flutter open and I twist in the old leather seat to take him in. “Want to hop in? I just lost for like the fifth time in a row.”
“Sure!” I giggle out, unbuckling myself and sliding over the center console. Jackson scoots over, making room for me on the rugged pull-out couch. Abby bites onto her bottom lip as she shuffles the deck, her red painted fingernails delicately separating the cards into equal stacks.
“I’m going to wipe the floor with you two,” Luke grins. His cheeky smile has me shaking my head. Abby nudges him with her shoulder, attempting to hold back her own chuckle.
“Hey babe,” Saint calls out, “kick his ass for me.”
Play Such Great Heights by The Postal Service
My heart flutters in my chest as he speaks.
Hearing him so openly love me sends me higher than I ever thought I could be.
I had spent my entire life fighting to be worthy of love, and here he is, handing it to me so freely.
Saint does nothing but prove that while I might be broken to others, I’m perfect for him.
All my jagged edges match his so seamlessly
Abby deals out the cards, joking with Jackson about how he was scared to keep playing.
Their banter fills the back of the RV, and all I can do is soak it in.
To feel this happiness for the rest of my life would be the greatest gift the universe could ever give to me.
Luke fans out his cards, pinching his eyebrows together as he reorganizes his hand.
“You rigged this, Abby!” He huffs out, attempting to sound intimidating.
“Whatever!” She squeals in return, swatting at him.
It flashes subtly, but I don’t miss the adoration that passes through Luke’s multi-colored eyes.
I hold back a gasp as it begins to click.
Luke had been so angry at Saint for him trying to claim both of us.
I thought he had just been mad at Saint for his behavior, but seeing the way he looks at her now, I know it’s more than that. He wants Abby.
My fingers fidget with the cards, trying to seem as inconspicuous as possible as I roll through all the memories once again.
There had been so many signs, and I had been so lost to my darkness I had missed them all.
The idea of two of my favorite people finding love within each other has me tearing up.
“Yo Nova, are you good?” Jackson questions me quietly.
I look up at him with blurred vision, but before I can respond Abigail joins in. “Nova, are you okay?” Her worry is so evident and it only makes my heart swell further.
My voice comes out broken, “I just love you guys.”
Luke laughs as he responds, “we love you too, even if you’re an emotional train wreck.”
I wipe my waterline as I smile at them all.
Saint’s arm snakes its way over the center console, grasping at the air to show me he wants my hand.
I place mine in his as he begins to speak.
“I love you, Nova.” He turns slightly in the chair, taking in the rest of the crew.
“And I love you guys too, even though I haven’t always shown it. ”
Abby nods her head with understanding, reaching forward to pat mine and Saint’s conjoined hands. “One big happy family, yeah?” She motions to the other boys. They both stretch out, placing their hands onto the pile.
“Always,” Jackson responds.
“Someone has to be stuck with me,” Luke teases. “I’m glad it’s you guys.”
We all fall back into position, spending the next few hours playing an assortment of games.
Poker, Go Fish, Crazy Eights, the whole nine yards.
It’s almost midnight by the time we pull into the campsite.
The moon sparkles against the ocean waves as they dance against the shore.
Luke and Jackson had already fallen asleep, leaving me, Saint, and Abby to ourselves.
“I’m going to use the restroom,” Abby whispers through the quiet cabin.
Saint looks over at me with eyes seeking permission. A soft smile, one full of trust places itself on my face. I give him a light nod, and return to doom scrolling on my phone.
“I’ll walk you over.” He announces in a hushed tone. Abigail’s eyes widen with surprise, but when she doesn’t decline the offer, Saint follows her out of the small door. The campsite outhouse is roughly twenty feet away, not too long of a walk. But for a woman, any extra protection is worth taking.
Unable to hold back my curiosity, I make my way to the back bed where Saint and I will be sleeping. There’s a small rectangular window placed neatly above the old mattress. I watch their bodies in the dark, waiting until they’re far enough away to miss the noise before I crack it open.
The moonlight bounces off their hair, getting darker and darker the further away they go.
I lay down on the bed, closing my eyes but keeping my ears perked for their return.
For a moment I get lost in the sound of the waves.
The slow sloshing as they sweep over the sand.
I haven’t been here since I was little, but the sounds had stayed with me my entire life.
A few more quiet minutes pass before I hear the sound of footsteps outside. I attempt to slow my breathing, becoming as silent as possible, as I listen.
“I do love you, Abby.” Saint croaks out, the pain in his voice unmistakable.
“I know. But not in the way you love her.”
I rise up, trying to peek out of the window without being seen. Their hands are clasped together as Saint shakes his head.
“I don’t think I could ever love anyone else the way I love Nova.”
A solemn sigh escapes Abigail before she responds. “Saint, normal boyfriends don't take their girlfriend over to some other girl's parents house once a week.” A sad laugh leaves her. “I knew from the beginning that I wasn’t meant to be your forever.”
“I didn’t mean to hurt you.” His head hangs between them.
“Well you did.” She states bluntly. It catches me off guard and I have to cover my mouth to stop the surprise from leaking out. “But I forgive you. That is my choice to make. Saint, I want you to be happy.”
“Yeah?” He sniffles out.
“Always.”
Abigail pulls him into her, squeezing him tightly.
His head drops into her shoulders and I watch his body sag with relief.
They stay in that position for quite some time, letting their grief of their relationship spill out around them.
It has an ache forming in my chest, knowing that I had stolen that from them.
As their bodies split apart, I lay back down, throwing the blanket over my body and turning to the wall.
I don’t want Saint to see the sadness forming in my eyes.
The door creaks open as the pair shuffle their way inside. Abigail lays down next to Jackson on the pull out and Saint climbs up next to me. I keep my eyes shut, hoping the performance of sleep will be believable.
Saint kisses the top of my head. “Being selfish with you brings so much pain. But God, my Dying Star, you’re worth it.” He whispers. “I’d go through it all over and over again if it meant having you in the end.”
I slightly lift my eyelids, just enough to take him in. Tears are still streaming down his face as he watches me.
“Are you sure?” I whisper back.
His arms wrap around me, pulling my body flush with his. “It’s the only thing I’ve ever been sure of.”