Epilogue
Play I’ll Be Good by Jaymes Young
I walk to the front of the room, running my hand through my freshly cut hair. The podium stands proudly in front of the metal chairs full of people. My ankle monitor rubs against the already raw skin on my leg. A constant reminder of the past.
The charges of manslaughter against me had been dropped once they found out Luke was my supplier. I was still hit with six months parole. It didn’t feel much like a sentence when my best friend had to pay for our mistakes with his life.
“Hello,” I start off, clearing my throat. “My name is Saint Kennedy, and I’m an addict.”
The crowd responds with a cacophony of “hi Saint,” “hello Saint,” and a few grunts from the newcomers.
“Today I hit two months sober.” I glance up, searching the crowd for my sponsor. When my eyes lock on his, he gives me a nod of support. I let out an uneasy breath as I continue.
“Today also marks the two month mark of the day I lost my best friend, and the love of my life.” The beginning of the tears begins to fill my water lines.
“I uhh– I got sober for them. I’m living for them. It hasn’t been easy, fuck, nothing has ever been easy. Do you guys ever feel like that?” I ask the crowd although the question is rhetorical.
“Anyways, my sponsor suggested that I write them this letter. I didn’t know what else to do with it, so I thought I’d share it here.”
I shift on my feet as I awkwardly pull the wad of paper out of my back pocket. The yellow sheet is covered in crinkles and scratched out words. I had spent hours on it and still never got it perfect.
“To my best friend and my Dying Star,
Life has felt so empty without the two of you. It’s like when you died, you took every good thing with you. A part of me still feels angry that you guys left me behind. I know it wasn’t really your fault, but sometimes the pain is easier to bear if I put some of the blame on you two.
I hope wherever you guys are now, that I can make you proud. That I can be the man you two always thought I was. I know that actions will always mean more than words, so please don’t take this at face value. Be proud of me when I prove I can do it.
To Luke specifically, I have your bike. Your parents sold the house, and almost everything in it.
But don’t you worry, I snagged your baby before they could get it.
It’s just sitting in my garage until I can get my license.
I promise to put it to good use. Jackson and Abby miss you like crazy, dude.
They make us have a bi-weekly lunch at the diner just for you.
We all order strawberry milkshakes since they were your favorite. ”
I pause for a moment, reading the next line in my mind and trying to find the courage to say the words out loud.
Her name hasn’t left my lips. It felt too permanent to call her anything besides my Dying Star.
Saying anything else would imply that she’s dead.
She’s not coming back. It’s not some sick and twisted joke.
Play Look After You by The Fray
“To Nova,
Thank you for loving me. Thank you for saving me. If I had the opportunity, I would spend the rest of my days worshipping you. You could never see the light you brought into rooms, and it had always crushed me. How could someone like you be unable to see the good they carry?
I hope wherever you are now, you realize just how much you mattered. How precious your existence was. I would do anything to hear your voice again.
Your mama had you buried in Melrose. We visit your grave every week, no exceptions. As always, we leave you with marigolds. They light up your plot, just as you lit up the world.
I miss you. It hurts so fucking bad.” I stop as the sob rattles through my throat. My eyes close as I picture her there, knowing she would be beaming at the idea of me getting sober.
“I fucking miss you. I don’t know where to set this grief down, and it’s killing me.
I’ve died a thousand deaths since you’ve left this world.
None of them brought me any closer to you.
But I promise Nova, that someday when my time has come, I’ll search for you.
I’ll give you your fairytale ending, even if that means I have to be the boy who was raised by trolls.
I love you Nova Harper. Today, tomorrow, and in every life to come. ”