Chapter 3 #3
‘She’s worried about you,’ Kat persisted. ‘We know how short life is. Don’t you think maybe it’s time for you two to reconcile?’
I shook my head. ‘I’m angry. At life, at the man who took Bronte from me, with myself, and I’m still angry at Mum.
It’s not fair. She lost me when I was twenty-three through being an irresponsible mother.
And even though I did everything I could to support my own daughter, I lost her at twenty-three anyway. How is that fair?’
‘It isn’t, Mags. None of it is. But keeping Mum out of your life won’t change that.’
‘She sent me a text yesterday asking to meet,’ I told her. ‘I didn’t reply.’
My relationship with my mother through my teenage years had only survived by a thread. After the reaction I got from her when I told her I was pregnant with Bronte, I cut ties altogether. I’d been better off without her. Now we only saw each other sporadically, usually at Kat’s instigation.
I had a vision of Mum crying during her granddaughter’s funeral and all I could think of was that she’d advised me to have the pregnancy terminated. If I’d listened to her, Bronte would never have existed.
‘She bought a car a few months ago, you know,’ Kat added. ‘A Mini. Brand new. So I think she might have got on top of her finances.’
‘Better late than never,’ I said, refusing to be drawn.
‘Think about it, okay?’ she begged. ‘She has two daughters. It would be nice for her to see both of them now and again.’
I fell silent, shutting down the topic. Neither of us had a relationship with our dad.
His choice. He’d pulled further and further away from us after leaving the family home.
By the time Bronte was born he’d moved to Galway.
I’d let him know the details of Bronte’s funeral, but he hadn’t attended.
At least Mum had been there, I supposed.
I pulled Bronte’s book onto my lap. Instantly I felt a connection with her.
I traced a fingertip across the cover illustrations, imagining her concentrating, her brow furrowed as she drew them.
What had she written on these pages? Where had she wanted to go, what had she wanted to see, to experience?
‘Are you going to open it?’ said Kat, reading my mind.
‘I will,’ I said with a sad smile. ‘But these pages contain her plans for the future. When I’ve read this notebook, she’ll never be able to share anything new with me again.’
Suddenly my heart thundered as an idea began to form.
A crazy, spontaneous idea that was about as far away from anything I’d normally contemplate as possible.
Maybe I didn’t have to go away without Bronte.
Maybe there was a way to take her with me, for me to stay connected.
Here was an itinerary all mapped out, one full of the places that Bronte had wanted to visit.
‘Hey.’ Kat put her hand on mine. ‘If you’ve changed your mind about reading it, I understand.’
My eyes skimmed over Bronte’s illustrations of palm trees and sunglasses, dolphins and turtles, kangaroos and cocktails …
‘I think you’re right about me needing a holiday,’ I said.
I could see a hundred doctors and would put money on all of them telling me I needed to take some time out. But could I leave home with all its memories of Bronte behind me? In this house, I could conjure her up so easily.
Except, if I followed this itinerary, I wouldn’t be leaving her behind. Bronte could be my guide, and that way we’d be in it together. I wouldn’t lose her; I could make new memories that she would become a part of.
‘Bronte will never have this adventure, but I could,’ I said.
‘What are you talking about?’ She frowned.
‘Her gap-year trip.’ Goosebumps ran down my spine. ‘I could do it for her, follow the footsteps she’s already set out for me. I haven’t been travelling for twenty-four years. It’ll do me good to get out of my comfort zone.’
‘Maggie, the comfort zone is exactly where you should be right now,’ Kat said, horrified. ‘I won’t be able to hop on my bike and be with you in ten minutes if you’re on the other side of the world.’
‘You told me to be spontaneous!’ I protested.
‘Two weeks in Greece would tick that box. There’s no need to take on a young person’s gap-year adventure. We’re talking rucksacks and hostels and shared bathrooms. You’ll hate it.’
Part of me knew she was right. But a bigger part of me had something to prove.
To Anna: that I could take a break and return as the ideal candidate to sit on the ShopSwift board.
To Kat: that there was more to me than work.
And most importantly, to my darling Bronte: that her gap-year adventure mattered to me.
‘For the first time in my adult life I don’t have a goal,’ I said quietly. ‘This book in my hands would give me that. And I can’t think of a better way to honour Bronte’s life.’
We stared at each other.
Every holiday I’d been on since Bronte had been born had been carefully researched, planned around what I knew she’d like. This one was no different, except that the planning had been done by her instead of me. And there was no one I trusted more than my daughter.
‘Me neither.’ Kat brushed a tear from her cheek. ‘If you’re sure you want to do this, I’ll support you. I’m proud of you, Mags.’
I smiled through my tears. ‘I haven’t gone yet.’
‘On that note, I guess we’d better find out all the places you’ll be going to.’ Kat nodded to the book, but still my fingers hesitated to open it.
‘I don’t know.’ I’d thought about this book so many times over the last six months. It had become a symbol of everything I regretted about my relationship with Bronte; most of all, for not sharing her excitement about her proposed trip. ‘I want to savour each page, read it as I go along.’
She looked doubtful. ‘You’re going to turn up at the airport with your suitcase, turn to page one and buy a ticket?’
I squirmed. ‘I don’t think I can be quite that spontaneous. How about we find out the first destination?’
‘If that’s what you want,’ Kat said, bemused, ‘go for it.’
Very slowly I opened the cover of Bronte’s Gap Year and read the first page.
The Adventures of Bronte April Jones, 2023 . Beside me, Kat breathed a little sigh.
Can I show you, Mum? Bronte’s voice rang in my ears, and I tried hard to blot out my negative response. I should have looked then, but at least I was doing it now.
The next couple of pages consisted of her contact details, a packing list and a rundown of vaccinations she’d need.
‘I’ll read those later,’ I said, impatient to find out where she’d planned to go first.
The heading of the next page caused Kat and I to gasp aloud, and the words began to swim in front of me.
‘Will you read it?’ I asked shakily, pushing the book onto my sister’s lap.
Kat cleared her throat. ‘Sandwiched like the easy-going child between its two bossy siblings, China and India, is Nepal. It might only be small, but it’s home to the world’s tallest mountain, Mount Everest, and the backpacker’s favourite, Kathmandu. This is the perfect place—’
‘Stop!’ I said. ‘Save the rest, that’s all I need to know.’
‘Wow.’ Kat closed the book and handed it back to me. ‘So now what?’
‘Looks like I’m going to Nepal.’
‘Are you sure this is wise?’ She chewed her lip.
‘No, but I’m doing it anyway. Mum’s Gap Year is on.’
Bronte’s Gap Year
Nepal looks like the perfect place to kick off my adventure.
Harry is jealous he can’t come with me for this bit.
I wish he was, but you know what they say, absence makes the heart grow fonder (hopefully).
Anyway, it’ll do me good to start off by myself, be independent.
The landscape will be like nothing I’ve ever encountered.
I want to get as close to Everest as possible.
I went up Mount Snowdon on a school trip years ago and Mum was freaked out enough with that.
God knows what she’s going to think about the Himalayas.
There are also jungles, rivers, elephants, temples …
loads of cool stuff. I’m probably going to be here for six weeks, more if I love it.
I’ve never challenged myself physically, so this is my chance to find out how I cope when my body is pushed to its limits.
PACKING LIST
Still to be finalised but …
– Travel light! You’re going to be carrying all your own clothes for a whole year and you can buy stuff as you go.
– First Aid kit
– Paints, pens and notebook
– Toothbrush, toothpaste, hairbrush, sunscreen, moisturiser
– Hiking boots, trainers and flip-flops
– Sheet sleeping bag, a towel, a sarong
– One nice dress
– T-shirts, shorts, bikinis, knickers and a bra
DAY ONE
Check into the Ganesh Guest House. Explore Kathmandu! Ride in a rickshaw! Learn to say thank you and hello in Nepali. Buy a SIM card. Go shopping, but do not go wild, Bronte Jones – remember your budget. Get a good night’s sleep, you’re gonna need it.