Chapter 16
Midnight was my favourite time and the beach was my favourite place.
Lying next to me, his fingers laced through mine, was Jackson, who was very quickly becoming my favourite person on the planet.
Today he’d spent hours trying to teach me to surf.
I hadn’t mastered it, but I had enjoyed being rescued repeatedly by him.
‘I wish I could stay here forever,’ I murmured.
Jackson’s hand squeezed mine. ‘Me too.’
So, this was it. First love. I’d spent hours listening to my friends mooning about how perfect their boyfriends were, and I’d spent almost as many hours comforting them when those relationships finished.
Never once had I imagined the sweet bliss I’d feel when it happened to me.
I felt like a Disney princess, permanently smiling and my heart full of joy.
I was half disappointed not to see a gang of tiny animals and birds following me when I looked over my shoulder.
I wanted to tell him that I loved him. But I didn’t want to spoil the moment in case he laughed or looked horrified, or reacted in any way that showed me I’d got it wrong.
Jackson and I had volunteered to do night patrol. Mostly because no one else liked to do it, and it meant we had the beach to ourselves. So far we hadn’t seen any sign of turtles climbing up the beach to lay their eggs. Technically, we could both go back to our rooms now if we wanted to.
I still slept in the girls’ room and he still slept with the boys, but as the days passed, we were finding more and more ways to spend the nights together.
We were at the narrow end of the beach, our feet inches from the water.
Every so often a wave would rush up the sand and touch our toes.
Behind us in the trees, the occasional hoot of a bird would interrupt the incessant buzzing of cicadas.
The sky was clear tonight, and the longer I stared at it, the more stars appeared.
Millions upon millions of glittering diamonds.
This was the most exotic and romantic place I’d ever been.
‘Maybe we should sleep here.’
Nights were hot and sticky in Bali; the heat in the dorm when all four of us were in was oppressive. But out here on the beach with damp sand beneath us and a faint ocean breeze cooling our bodies, it was bliss.
Jackson’s hand stroked the length of my arm. ‘When you say sleep …?’
‘Of course, I forgot,’ I said innocently, deliberately misunderstanding him. ‘We’re supposed to be working.’
‘Then how about a kiss to keep me going?’
‘Another one?’ I teased. ‘If you must.’
I’d always liked boys. I was confident and flirty, the girl in my group sent to approach a crowd of boys with the ‘my friend fancies you’ messages.
I had the one-liners and the cheeky smiles, all the banter.
I was still that person, but with Jackson my smiles were warmer, my sharp edges smoother, my heart in a constant flutter.
My feelings for him were, at times, too big for my body.
I’d never been in love before so I had nothing to compare this to, but he had lit a fire inside me that I could never imagine burning out.
He turned onto his side to face me, his cheek resting in his palm. ‘I must.’
He pulled me tightly into him and kissed me with an intensity I’d never known until I’d met him. His lips, his scent, his skin against mine gave me a headrush. I never wanted this to end.
This was a holiday fling, I kept telling myself.
My stint as a conservation volunteer would end and we’d go back to our normal lives.
Me to finish off my degree and a career in psychology, him to living by the beach and following his dream.
But it didn’t feel like a fling; it felt as if I’d found my person.
The person I wanted to share my secrets with, the one I looked for in the crowd, the one I wanted to tell whenever I saw something amazing.
He had even changed the way I saw myself.
He’d helped me to discover the real me, the Maggie who could do anything, who could have adventures and shoot for the moon and not worry about paying next month’s rent.
‘How have I only known you for three weeks?’ I murmured, snuggling into his neck after the kiss ended. I traced the muscles of his chest with my fingertips and felt his breath catch as my hand moved lower.
‘The best three weeks of my life,’ he said huskily.
I propped myself up to look him in the eye. ‘Really? That’s so sweet.’
‘Yeah.’ He grinned. ‘I’ve always wanted to work with turtles.’
‘Hey!’ I punched him playfully.
‘Mags.’ His tone had changed and my eyes found his. ‘I don’t want this to end.’
‘Me neither.’ It would, I knew it would, but I didn’t want to let reality in. Not yet.
He kissed my fingers. ‘I can’t stop thinking about you. I’m happier when I’m with you. I even laugh harder when I’m with you. Is it me, or …’
‘It’s not you.’
He stared at me with those beautiful brown eyes. ‘So what do we do?’
I gazed at him uncomprehendingly. ‘We enjoy what we have while we have it?’
His smile wavered. ‘That’s not the answer I was hoping for.’
I bit the inside of my lip, wishing we hadn’t strayed into this territory, which felt too deep and dangerous for me to navigate.
‘We’ve got totally different lives, Jackson. I can’t drop out of uni. I can’t fail. I can’t give up because of a whim.’
‘I’m a whim?’ He pulled back to scan my face, uncertainty in his voice.
‘No, of course not.’ I rolled towards him again, hooking one leg over him, pressing my body to his. ‘But holidays aren’t real life. This paradise is only temporary. I’ve been working towards getting my qualifications for years. I’m so close.’
‘Damn,’ he teased. ‘I’m losing my touch, I was convinced you’d be ready to throw it all away and live the dream with me.’
I grinned, relieved that the awkward moment had passed. ‘I can’t live your dream, Jackson, I have to live mine.’
‘But mine’s way better than yours.’ He shuffled down so we were eye to eye. ‘Come on, admit it. We could sleep under the stars every night. You could wear a bikini every day and I could rub in your sun lotion and try not to get horny doing it.’
His head dipped to my collarbone and as he kissed me, a spark of desire ignited inside. How could I even contemplate saying goodbye to this boy?
‘You’re selling it well,’ I conceded. ‘But I know what I want, and that’s to be a psychologist. I want to work with people, help people be their best selves.’
‘You can do that anywhere there’s people.’
‘Not if I want to be paid well for it.’ I touched a hand to his face, willing him to understand. ‘And I want to put roots down, have my own house.’
‘I’ll build you a beach hut,’ he said, kissing my mouth.
It wasn’t easy to concentrate anymore, especially as I was tempted, but I thought about how unsettled my childhood had been and how all my life I’d craved security. ‘I want a place to call home, I guess. Somewhere I know will be the same every time I come back to it, no surprises.’
‘Nooo!’ He pretended to look horrified. ‘Your twenties are the time to live big, explore, try everything.’
He was right, I knew he was right. But there was a need deep inside that wouldn’t let me go.
‘My whole life I’ve seen my mum get fired up about something, only to give up as soon as she hits a bump in the road. I’ve seen it happen over and over. I made a commitment to finish my education. I need to prove to myself that I’m not like her.’
‘You’re here.’ He extended his arm to take in the beach, the sky, the ocean. ‘You’re already not like her.’
‘Thank you.’ I smiled, my heart beating with joy for him. ‘But do you see why I have to go home?’
He was silent for a moment. ‘What I see is a beautiful girl with a beautiful heart, and I’m not ready to let her go.’
I rested my hand on his chest, felt the slow, steady heartbeat beneath the wall of lean muscle. ‘We still have a week.’
‘Not enough,’ he whispered, rolling onto me, and supporting his weight on his forearms.
It would never be enough, I thought, but it was all we had.