Chapter 24
My last night in Bali was my worst. I was devastated. After one perfect month, the freshest memories I’d be taking home with me were the hours of tears I’d cried after agreeing to return to the UK.
I spent most of the afternoon and evening frantically rearranging my travel plans and paying a lot of money for the privilege.
I’d seen Jackson arrive back from his dive with the others and heard on the grapevine that he’d gained his PADI licence.
I’d hidden in my room, feigning a headache, to avoid having to tell him my news and ruin his moment.
He’d been drunk when I’d caught up with him later that night in our favourite bar, and a party was in full swing.
He was wearing his snorkel and mask and one of the other guys was pouring alcohol down the breathing tube for him to drink.
Everyone was cheering and whooping, clapping him on the back and telling him how amazing he was.
I’d seen this before – it was a traditional drinking challenge bestowed on everyone who passed their PADI exam.
As soon as I’d got him on his own, I’d told him what had happened, shouting above the dance music, holding his face, trying to make him understand that I’d rebooked my flight home again.
His eyes were unfocused, and he couldn’t stop laughing.
I wasn’t sure he even believed me. I left the party early, and predictably cried myself into a fitful sleep.
By the time he surfaced the next day, I’d packed my rucksack, let Utt know that I couldn’t make the boat trip after all, and said goodbye to my friends.
I’d barely slept. I felt sick with worry about Kat back home, and every cell in my body was leaden with sadness at the prospect of letting Jackson go.
He took one look at me and held his arms out. I collapsed into his embrace, tucking my head under his chin and letting the tears flow.
‘So you meant it?’ he murmured softly. ‘I was hoping it was a bad dream.’
‘I’m so, so sorry to let you down,’ I said. ‘I promise you, if there was any other way, I’d take it.’
‘This isn’t your mess, Mags.’ He hugged me tighter. ‘If you go back now, you’ll always be the one to solve your family’s problems.’
‘That’s why I have to go, because there is only me.’ I pulled back to look at him, willing him to understand.
But why would he? He was the only son of two loving parents, who’d brought him up to give him wings. He had the freedom to fly, but my wings had been clipped.
‘This has been amazing. The best month of my life.’ I kissed him and held him tight.
I could feel his speeding heart and I wondered whether I’d ever know this feeling again.
I loved him, no getting away from it. But it was an impossible love, and an impossible situation.
As well as my responsibility to my family, I still had to finish my university course.
‘I’m so grateful I met you, and that we were both in Bali at the same time. ’
‘Stay, Maggie,’ he implored. ‘Stay and live the dream.’
I blinked the tears away and shook my head. ‘I can’t, but you must. Keep being your gorgeous, kind, amazing self. Live the dream for both of us.’
‘I’ll never forget you, Mags.’
‘Me neither. Thank you for everything.’
‘We could try and keep in touch?’ He stroked my face, as if imprinting my skin on his fingers.
For a moment I let the possibility burn like a flame of hope in my heart, but I shook my head.
I was tempted, but I couldn’t live my life waiting for the next phone call, or the next letter.
Our paths had crossed briefly, serendipitously, pleasurably, but to try to make that happen again would mean sacrifices for one or both of us.
I wanted us to remember each other with joy, not frustration.
‘I don’t think we should make promises that neither of us is in a position to keep. We’re so young, and so different.’
‘Oh, okay.’ His eyebrows lifted at that, and I could see I’d hurt him. But better to make a clean break than face heartache further down the line.
I sobbed when the minibus arrived to take me and another couple of volunteers back to the airport.
Jackson was my first love. At this point in my life, I couldn’t imagine ever loving anyone as deeply as I loved him.
Bronte’s Gap Year
If my expectations are even halfway met, I’m betting that I’m in love with the Aussie lifestyle by now.
A swim in the ocean before breakfast, your entire life lived outdoors, and so much less busy than the UK.
Sounds sooo amazing. Not quite sure how I’ll cope with living in London when this gap year is over.
Honeybourne is a lovely place to grow up – pretty Cotswold cottages, lovely old pubs, friendly people …
I’m not sure I’m going to be cut out for big cities.
Maybe this trip will give me time to work out what I want my life to look like. Could I emigrate to Australia? I reckon Harry would come in a heartbeat. It’s got the beaches, the sunshine, and I wouldn’t even have to learn a new language. We could have such a cool life together.
Sometimes I feel like there are two opposite sides to me: the ambitious one who wants the steady career, moving up the ladder with the salary to match; and the other one who only works to live, who wakes up to a view of the ocean. I wonder if Saatchi would let me work in their Sydney office …?
Who even am I, with all this talk of living abroad?
? As if I could EVER leave Mum. I’m even determined to get her to join me on this trip.
I’d give anything to see her let her hair down and relax for five minutes instead of worrying about work, or me, or the interest rates or energy bills or whatever.
At home, she’s only happy if she has something to feel responsible for.
I’m going to make it my mission to change that!