Chapter 33 #2
‘That sounds tough, I’m sorry,’ I said, stirring my drink with the fruit from the side of the glass.
‘And you certainly don’t need to be a mom to deserve a break.
Perhaps I mean taking time out, putting yourself first, no responsibilities, no expectations.
Lots of adult women care for others, but who cares for them? ’
‘I hear ya,’ said Barb, chinking her glass against mine. ‘We could all do with a little mothering now and again.’
‘Will someone answer that goddamn phone!’ yelled a voice.
Barb’s sun-wizened husband pushed himself up onto his elbows and was scowling in our direction.
‘It must be mine.’ I levered myself out of the water and hurried to my sunlounger.
I’d had several missed calls from a number I hadn’t seen for a long time. My shoulders tensed automatically.
‘Hello Mum?’ I wrapped the towel around my waist as I answered.
‘Maggie, at last! I’ve been trying you for ages.’
‘I was in the pool,’ I said, calmly. ‘I didn’t hear the phone.’
She harrumphed. ‘All right for some.’
‘Did you call for a specific reason, Mum, or just to wind me up?’ I perched on the end of my sunlounger and sipped my ice tea, doggedly keeping my temper.
‘I know you’re having a lovely long holiday but I’m afraid I need you to come back and help me. I’m in a bit of a mess and there’s no one else I can ask.’
‘What do you mean, a mess?’ She was my mother and, regardless of our past history, of course I’d help her if she really needed me to.
‘I kept putting it off and putting it off and by the time I made an appointment the situation was too far gone.’
‘Oh Mum.’ I set my drink down on the table beside me and pressed a hand to my chest. ‘I’m so sorry.’
So she was ill. I felt awful for being so brusque, for not taking her calls or making an effort. And now it looked as if I might have left it too late.
‘Thank you. I’ve been trying to tell you about it, but you wouldn’t engage with me.’
‘I know, I know, I should have listened.’ I closed my eyes and shook my head sadly. When would I learn to tune into those around me and be there for them when they needed it? Maybe it wasn’t too late with Mum. Maybe I could make amends.
‘How are you feeling?’ I asked gently.
‘Wretched. Annoyed with myself. Hopeless.’ She sounded very down, and my heart went out to her.
‘Have you told Kat?’
‘God, no!’ Mum replied. ‘She’ll only worry, and she’s been busy with Sam anyway, he hasn’t been well. High temperature and whatnot, you know how kids are. I’m keeping well away if he’s got the lurgy.’
Poor Sam. I pricked my ears up; this was the first I’d heard of it. I’d send Kat a message immediately to check up on him. Probably wise of Mum to keep away though, if her immune system was already vulnerable.
‘Do you want to talk about it, Mum?’ I probed. ‘Your situation, I mean. I won’t push you on the details, if you’d rather not.’
‘There’s no need to rake it all up. The question is, could you come home and help me make arrangements?’
Did she mean as in final arrangements, a funeral, last wishes, and so on? The thought of another funeral sent waves of dread through me. This was a lot more serious than I realised. ‘Of course I will, Mum. Of course.’
‘Thank you, Magnolia, I knew I could rely on you. Eventually. And I’m sure you must have a fair sum saved by now.’
I was confused. What had money got to do with it?
Not to pay for a funeral service, surely.
It had to be because there was some sort of private treatment available, I realised.
I didn’t have unlimited funds, but I’d do what I could, obviously.
‘Anything your doctor thinks might help is definitely worth considering.’
‘Doctor?’ She gave an exasperated huff. ‘What are you talking about?’
‘Well, if you’re ill then—’
‘I’m not ill, for heaven’s sake,’ she snapped. ‘I’m in a financial muddle, that’s all. My lovely new car has been repossessed and I’ve got into arrears with the rent. I can’t bear the thought of eviction at my age, so if you could—’
My jaw dropped in disbelief. Unbelievable.
She wasn’t at death’s door, she wasn’t even ill.
No, she was simply repeating her bad habits from decades ago.
Ignoring demands for payment of bills until finally the control was taken out of her hands.
I was incensed, and annoyed with myself for almost being taken in again and coming to her rescue.
‘No.’
I could almost hear my mother’s shock. ‘Pardon?’
‘No, I’m not coming back. The last time I was in Bali I had to leave early to look after Kat because you’d messed up.
This time, you can sort yourself out. You can face your own problems. Because God knows it’s about time you did.
And as for little Sam – he’s your grandson, go over there and help Kat out.
You never get enough sleep when your kids are ill. ’
‘Ha!’ my mother retorted. ‘Always back to this. Change the record, Magnolia. You love pointing out my faults, don’t you? You weren’t always perfect either. I knew all about Bronte’s gap-year plans long before you. She confided things in me that she probably never told you.’
How could she? I was seething with rage.
‘And what did you confide in her, that you told me to get rid of her when I was pregnant? That you wanted her dead? Well, you got your wish: she is dead. She’s dead and it isn’t fair.
She was the centre of my world. I barely scratched the surface of yours.
I wish it had been you, Mum. I wish it had been you who died instead of her. ’
My heart thundered against my ribs as the awful words poured out of me. Years of resentment, disappointment, and a longing to be mothered – they were no longer prepared to remain hidden.
The heavy silence on the other end was replaced by the dialling tone.
She’d hung up on me. I turned to see Barb and Stanley staring at me in horror.
And no wonder. I picked up my things and strode back to my room, sending Kat a message about Sam as I walked.
I didn’t want to be here; in fact I wasn’t sure I wanted to be anywhere.
I drew the curtains and lay on my bed in the dark, willing the earth to swallow me up.
I had to have hit rock bottom. There couldn’t possibly be anywhere lower to fall.
Mum’s Gap Year
My darling Bronte,
It’s day two in Bali and other than some walking around Ubud to explore, I’ve been very lazy. And gosh, it has felt good to relax and slow down for a while. I have got a trip planned tomorrow, though, so don’t think that I’m not making the most of being in such a beautiful place.
I don’t mind admitting that I’ve been feeling low since losing your itinerary, so I thought I’d cheer myself up this afternoon by writing to you.
I know that you’ll never read this letter, but it does my heart good to share my thoughts and feelings with you.
I can’t explain how; all I know is that this keeps us connected, and the bond we have is as close as it ever was.
I’ve been thinking a lot about the diary I kept when I was in Bali last time.
I didn’t know it then, but I was recording the events which brought you into my world.
Now here I am again. The wheel of life has turned, and you are gone.
Being here has brought the memories flooding back.
My head is full, and my heart is sore, and I can’t not write things down.
I’m so, so sad that I don’t have your book to write in.
For now, a few sheets of hotel notepaper will have to do.
First things first. Sam’s fine. Auntie Kat says it was the scariest thing she’s ever been through when Sam’s temperature spiked, and they had to rush him into hospital.
But it was only a virus and once they’d dosed him up, he started to improve.
I’ve spoken to him on FaceTime and he was his perky little self already. Thank goodness.
Unfortunately, I probably can’t say the same of my relationship with your gran. It wasn’t strong to begin with and now it might be over for good.
My pen usually scribbles like crazy, but I’m struggling to put these words on paper. That’s because if you were in front of me, I’d be too ashamed to tell you about the row we had on the phone.
I said some terrible things. Only a monster would wish another person dead, and it’s even worse if that person is your mother.
Something’s holding me back from making the apology.
This time she pushed me too far. I know what I said was bad, but I’m not ready to say sorry and I guess Gran isn’t either because she hasn’t called since.
I’ve spoken to Auntie Kat again and she didn’t mention our row, which means she doesn’t know about it.
But she did say that Gran had offered to do some shopping for her while Sam was ill if it would help. Which is progress.
I would have gone home for Gran if she’d really needed my help, but I’m glad I don’t have to yet. Now I’m in Bali, there are places I want to go. I wish I had your book to see where you had planned to visit, but I think I can guess which places would have been of interest to you.
Following your path across the world has given me a purpose at a time when I was feeling lost. I’m scared of taking the final few steps you’ve set out for me, because I don’t know what will happen once your journey ends and mine has to continue alone.
It’s almost time to face the future without you, so please forgive me if I slow down while I take these final steps. Wish me luck, my darling
All my love
Mum xx