Chapter 37
Bali
‘So.’ Lisa had a pack of cards in her hand. ‘I’m going to pull out some cards for your reading and then we’ll talk about what they mean.’
We were sitting cross-legged on the floor of her apartment with a low footstool in between us. On it was a manual on how to read tarot cards. She’d poured us both a glass of water and placed a box of tissues on the floor beside us.
‘Okay.’ I didn’t for one second imagine that the tarot cards would reveal anything useful, but it would be fun, and for an hour or so it was a good distraction.
Lisa turned over the first three cards and flicked through her manual.
‘Ah, right,’ she said briskly. ‘So the three of swords, the five of cups and the death card represent the recent past. These are telling me a story of grief and death. Someone has gone over, perhaps?’
‘Correct.’ A fair guess; not many people are fortunate enough to get to my age without suffering the loss of a loved one.
‘Okay, my lovely,’ she continued. ‘This person means a great deal to you and grief has become a part of who you are.’
‘My daughter,’ I croaked. ‘I’ve lost my daughter, Bronte.’
She placed a hand over mine. ‘The path out of pain might not be clear now, but take a look at the death card.’
The card showed a battle scene and a knight in armour on a white horse, and at the very back, a golden sun.
‘In the distance, the sun is rising,’ she pointed out. ‘A new day does dawn. You see? The sun will rise again.’
‘Thank you,’ I swallowed, my eyes blurred with tears. ‘I do believe that; but at the moment it seems so far off. Everything keeps going wrong.’
She pulled a tissue out of the box and blew her nose. ‘Sorry, I don’t usually get upset, but, oh Maggie, I’m so sorry. No wonder the words in your notebook were all about love. Let’s see which card represents your present. Ah, the Hanged Man.’
I recoiled at the card, which revealed a man hanging upside down from a tree; not exactly what I wanted my present to be.
‘This card means that you’re stuck, uncertain about what to do next.’
‘Maybe this is the crossroads I told you about,’ I said.
‘That’s how I feel about everything. I’ve been working towards promotion for years and now I don’t know if I even want to stay at that company.
My role as a mother feels complicated too.
I’m still Bronte’s mum and I don’t know how to fill that space that she left behind. I don’t know how to be myself.’
Lisa turned over another card. ‘This one shows us who influences you. You’ve got the Empress, but the card is upside down, which means it’s reversed.’
She checked in her manual again.
‘So the Empress represents a woman who loves you, but can’t express her love, she can be austere and critical.’
I gave a bark of laughter. ‘My mum. I based my mothering skills on doing the reverse of her.’
‘She’s important to you,’ Lisa insisted, waving her hand across the cards. ‘Does your relationship with this woman need attention, perhaps?’
‘It does.’ I felt a niggle of shame for having left things the way I had between us. ‘Let’s move on.’
She held my gaze. ‘Sure. These next ones represent what your heart and soul needs.’
I inched forward, curious to see the next cards.
‘The Queen of Wands, the World and the Moon. Nice.’
She explained that the queen was a figure who would encourage me to find my purpose; the world card told her that I was searching for something that mattered deeply to me; and the moon meant I’d need to go deep inside myself to find out what it was I wanted.
‘Okay, next up is your near future. The lovers’ card, the Six and Three of Cups. A soulmate is coming back into your life. This person will remind you of who you once were and who you can be again.’
I thought of the photo of myself in my old diary. That brave and adventurous girl, confident and sure of who she was and what she wanted. Who’d travelled to Bali alone, spending her savings to fulfil a dream. Immersing herself in that moment on the beach and giving herself up to joy.
She was the one I needed to reconnect with most. Not anyone else.
She turned over three more cards and her eyes sparkled with unshed tears. ‘Ooh.’
‘What?’ I felt my own eyes tingle.
‘The last three cards represent your future: The Sun. The Wheel of Fortune and the Ace of Cups.’
‘Are they good or bad?’ I asked, feeling nervous.
‘The sun will rise again, you will be happy again, the wheel of life goes around and around, bringing change and, with it, freedom and happiness. The Ace of Cups is reminding us that we can’t fill from an empty cup; we must fill our own cup with love first. And the more love you give away, the more you will receive. ’
‘That’s what I want,’ I said shakily. ‘More than anything. I want somewhere to channel all the love I have.’
‘You’ll find the right place, I know you will.’ Lisa’s eyes were full of compassion. ‘Focus on finding your way back to you and the rest will take care of itself.’
I took a deep breath, and nodded. ‘Thank you.’ I reached into my bag to pay her but she held up her hand.
‘Follow me on Instagram and tell all your friends about me.’ She winked and folded a business card into my hand. ‘I can do readings on Zoom, so I’m fully global.’
‘I will, I promise,’ I said.
We hugged for a long time, and she showed me to the door.
I left her apartment, descended the stairs and found myself back outside the massage parlour, blinking as my eyes readjusted to the afternoon light. I stood for a moment, steadying myself against the dark wood of a doorway, and let Lisa’s words wash over me.
Focus on finding your way back to you and the rest will take care of itself.
I sent myself back in time to the day I left Jackson to begin my journey back to the UK.
A girl who desperately wanted to stay beside her boy, whose every breath fought to ignore the pull from home and family.
My duty to my younger sister had won out then and I’d held on tight to the reins of responsibility ever since, never quite having the courage to pursue any goals solely for myself.
But I had no such demands on my time anymore.
I could be selfish and go after what I wanted.
And what I wanted – or rather who I wanted – felt more within reach now than for years. No sooner was the thought in my head than I found myself running back to my hotel. I was going to do everything in my power to find him.
I had to find Jackson.