Chapter 9 Jude
jude
In my head, I always pictured Sam and I finally baring ourselves to each other after maybe one of his hockey games or a particularly long stay away from each other.
One dream was he would pick me up from the airport and he would give me one of those big hugs—god, I missed those—he would say that he hated the distance and that he couldn’t do it anymore.
Then he would say he had feelings for me and that he loved me, while chewing his bottom lip, like he did when he got nervous or was concentrating hard on something.
I would say I had loved him since college and we would say we never wanted to be apart.
That's where my dream ended and where it stayed, in my head.
Maybe in another lifetime we might have been together, but seeing how Sam and Forest looked at each other made me realize I would always be the side character in my own story.
I still couldn’t believe they had fucked each other.
I really shouldn’t have been surprised. Sam could sniff out a single person in a small town like a bloodhound, but why did he have to have slept with the first guy I liked in a while?
Why couldn’t I be like Sam and Forest and just ask for what I wanted.
“Malone, let’s move.” I nodded, turning on the fire truck.
We had just responded to a grease fire at a small restaurant that was off the highway to Monroe. Thankfully, the employees were smart and quick about it and when we got here it was almost contained. It could have been a whole lot worse.
I pulled the truck out onto the highway. The drive back to Sterling Ridge was awful because all I did was obsess over Forest and Sam. It was ridiculous how much my mind wandered to them. It was embarrassing.
After getting back to the station, the shift change was about to happen and while I was grateful to go home, I also hated being alone.
Being alone made my thoughts wander and that was dangerous.
I stayed and chatted with the night crew for a moment before my chief asked me to stay the night because I was lingering.
I hopped into my truck to go to Mabel’s for dinner when I checked my phone and saw a few texts from Theo from two hours ago.
Theo: Hey, I know you're working, but I need a favor.
Theo: Wolves made it down to the herd. We lost a calf and a heifer.
Theo: We want to move the herd east and I need someone to watch them for a few hours tonight. We are all taking shifts to make sure we don’t have any wolves following the herd.
Theo: I know you're working and if you're too tired I understand.
Theo: Actually, forget I sent those texts. Nova reminded me you've been working too hard and you need all the rest you can get. Do not come.
Theo: Love you.
I reread his messages debating if I should go. It would definitely fill my time, but I might see Forest and I was dodging him at the moment. He wouldn’t say anything if we were in front of my brother and Colt, but if I saw Forest, I don’t know how I would feel.
Typing out a message quickly, I stared at the words, but ended up deleting them.
I’d rather just show up, and not give anyone a heads up.
I could help for a few hours and then go home, hopefully exhausted enough to pass out.
The sun was setting as I pulled up to Theo’s old house before I called him.
“Hey,” he answered, sounding a little out of breath.
“Where are you?” I asked, getting out of the truck, bringing my water bottle and a small bag of snacks I had brought from work.
“Go home, Jude, we got it,” he said, as I heard the cows mooing.
“I’m here already,” I said, walking into the barn to get Flynn saddled up.
“Jude,” he sighed.
“I’ll just come looking for you,” I said, putting the phone on speaker. “It will be a whole lot easier if you just tell me where you are at.”
“Head south from the barn for about fifteen minutes and then start to head west. You should see us after about ten minutes.”
“Great, I'll see you soon!” I hung up before he could say anything.
I gave Flynn a few treats and a little bit of love before riding out. The sun was just on the horizon as I finally caught up with Theo.
“I told you we had it,” he grumbled as I looked around for everyone else.
“It looks like you're alone,” I said, not seeing anyone else.
“Colt just left and Forest left about two hours ago.” He stretched. “I’m taking the first shift.”
“Well, go home with your family.” I grabbed his thermos and the shotgun.
“Jude.” He gave me a pointed look.
“Theodore.” I gave him a bored expression “Go home and enjoy your family. I’ll be fine here.”
“When are you going to stop taking care of me?” He cocked his brow. “You don’t have to keep rushing to help me or take care of me. You should be home resting. I shouldn’t have messaged you.”
I shrugged. “I’ll always take care of you, Theo.”
“You don’t have to anymore,” he mumbled. “I need to stop relying on you and let you live your own life, it's a knee-jerk reaction to ask for your help.”
“Well, it's a knee-jerk reaction to help you,” I said. “I might be younger, but I’ll always help you, Theo.”
“I should be taking care of you,” he sighed. “I’m not in trouble anymore and I have people I can rely on.”
I nodded. “It’s hard to stop this cycle. Even when you had Colt and Atlas, my first reaction was to help you, to move out here in case you needed help. I mean, what was I supposed to do, stay with mom and dad?”
Theo shook his head. “I’m sorry you never had a good relationship with them because of me.”
“What?” I turned so fast towards Theo, I’m surprised my neck didn’t crack.
“I sometimes wondered if I had been born different, maybe our family dynamics would have been different,” he said, looking down as he tapped his fingers.
“No. Mom and Dad were so blinded by that farm, that's all that mattered,” I growled. “Look at Luke. He left because he didn’t want anything to do with the farm. Football was his ticket out of the farm and he took it. When Archie would visit or ask us to visit and he saw how amazing you were with animals, I’m so glad he thought to leave this to you.
He was more of a parental figure than Mom and Dad together. ”
Just thinking about our parents upset me so much. I hated that I carried so much animosity towards them.
“They lived and breathed that farm. We were just workers for them. Do you ever remember Mom being motherly to us? Or our father being a father to us? I sure as hell don’t,” I said with a little too much bite in my tone.
Theo nodded. “I don’t remember much other than having to wake up and do chores night and day while we also went to school. Then in the summers we worked all day.”
“We’ve been working since we could walk and frankly, I’m going to be tired of working before I can retire,” I chuckled, trying to lighten the situation that I had made so serious.
“I sometimes worry that maybe you could have had a different—”
“Theo, stop,” I said, getting worried. “Where the hell is this coming from?”
He shrugged. “I realized today that I always reach out to you without thinking of what you have going on. I need to stop doing that. You should do whatever you want without worrying if I’ll need help. That’s one of the reasons I hired Forest. It’s time you start living life Jude.”
“I am living life.” I scowled when he gave me a pointed look. “I was visiting Webber a lot this last year and—”
“And then you stopped when Atlas and I got lost,” he said quickly. “What happened to you and Webber? And give me a real answer, not some bullshit story you're feeding everyone else. Why didn’t you move out to Denver?”
I looked away as the last rays of light were leaving. They were beautiful shades of pinks and oranges.
“I’m in love with Sam,” I said quietly. “I have been since we went to college together.”
Theo stayed quiet and when he didn’t say anything I looked back quickly wondering if he had heard me. He had a small smile on his face.
“Am I supposed to be surprised?” he smirked. “I think the only one who doesn’t know your feelings is Webber and even then, I think that might be a maybe, you guys act like an old married couple.”
“What?” I snapped. “What do you mean everyone knows?”
“Jude, are you seriously that dense?”
“You think he knows?” I scoffed. “Everyone knows?!”
What fucking reality was I in?
“I’m not sure, but Webber is incredibly thoughtful and nice with you.
He goes out of his way for you and the moment he found out we were missing, didn’t he offer to come down here when he was only a week post-op?
” Theo raised his brow. “Maybe it's time you tell him how you feel? I think you might be worrying for nothing.”
“It’s not that simple.” I looked up at the sky. “What if it destroys us?”
“You are already doing that now by whatever is going on with you two. He’s been here for a few weeks and you haven’t talked to each other,” he said.
“How the hell did you know that?” I scowled.
“Nova thinks she’s sly, but that woman has a horrible poker face.” He grinned. “Plus, she left her phone open and she’s been texting Webber for a few weeks.”
“Does everyone know our business?” I growled.
“Yeah, except you,” he deadpanned.
“Seriously?” I pulled the reins on Flynn needing some space.
“You are already creating a fissure in your relationship,” he stated. “You’ve been distancing yourself for months bracing yourself for what you think is going to happen, but what if you're wrong, Jude? What if Webber says he loves you and he’s been in love with you since college too?”
I scoffed. If he would have told me that ten years ago, I might have believed him.
There was a time when I thought Sam might have liked me like I liked him.
He was always so thoughtful and attentive, he constantly smiled at me, touched me and there were a few times I swore he wanted to kiss me and then overnight, it was like most of it vanished.
I don’t know what happened, but it was like he lost interest or something.
We still hung out, we still touched—Sam was an extremely tactile person—he was still thoughtful, but there was something missing.
Sometimes I wondered if I made it up all in my head.
“I doubt that.” I dismissed his thoughts. “Sam is a go-getter. If he loved me or had feelings for me, he would have said something.”
“What if he feels the same way you do? What if he's afraid to mess up a good thing? You guys are so close and ever since you got in a fight you haven’t been the same, and I’m sure it's been that way for him too, maybe more since he’s been injured.
I heard that he’s been having a hard time with his knee. ”
Guilt hit me square in the chest, when I remembered him in crutches at the bar. He didn’t look like my best friend. He wasn't cheery or youthful. He looked exhausted and disheveled with the brace and the crutches. Well, let's just say it made him look even worse.
“You're already hurting yourselves by putting this distance between you,” Theo said. “You might as well lay it all out there and see if he loves you the way you love him. I think you might be surprised by what you find.”
“And if he doesn’t?” I asked the question I knew I didn’t want to hear the answer to.
“Then you have to ask yourself if you can still be his friend and if you can’t,” he sighed, “Then you need to let him go, Jude, and find someone who is going to love you like you love them.”
“You make it sound so easy,” I whispered, as my lip trembled.
“It’s not going to be easy,” he said, coming closer to me until we were facing each other and he pulled me close. “It might hurt like hell, but you bet your ass I’ll be here and so will Iris. We will help you just like you’ve helped us. You aren’t alone, ok?”
My lip trembled as we awkwardly hugged.
“I love you, Teddy,” I murmured.
“I love you too, Jude the dude,” he said, making me laugh from the silly name he used to call me.
It lightened the mood, but it reminded me of all the shit we had been through and if things didn’t work out with Sam well, this would be just another thing we would get through together.
Then maybe, I might be able to move on or get brave enough to find someone to take care of this virgin business for me.