21. Rowan
21
ROWAN
T he greenhouse went utterly silent, and the light from the luminaries faded to a soft glow.
“I don’t understand,” Rowan faltered.
“Devouring isn’t literal,” Conor started. “I’m not going to actually eat you, Rowan. I’m going to consume your soul.”
Rowan choked on a gasp. Everything had led her to believe that devouring was about sex and murder, not having her soul rendered from her body. Was that what she’d felt when she’d been with Valen in the Dark Wood?
“Why?” she asked.
“Because I was careless when I made my bargain with the Mother. I didn’t care what it cost to be strong. I just knew I needed the power.” He rubbed a hand over the back of his neck. “Devouring a Red Maiden makes me more powerful.”
“Then why not just devour us all right away?”
He looked resigned. “Because I am duty-bound to the dead. I need someone to ferry them, and the reapers can only handle rogue souls, not a weekly flock.”
Rowan chewed at her lip. “What does all of this have to do with sex?”
Conor scrubbed a hand over his face. “One type of desire stimulates the other. Sex can take the edge off, and it has with other Maidens in the past, but I’m so drawn to you. I worry it would be impossible for me not to take it too far and steal your soul in the act. You would hardly feel it, as if I was just breathing you in. Red Maidens are always tempting, but it’s as if you were designed to be the most desirable woman I’ve ever laid eyes on. What happened here can’t happen again.”
Rowan’s head spun. She was comforted that his disinterest was an act and equally as disturbed that he spent so much time thinking about stealing her soul.
“What happens when you devour my soul?” she asked.
“I’ll grow stronger.”
“And to me?”
“You’ll die,” Conor said.
“And my soul?”
He swallowed hard. “It will cease to exist.”
Rowan could not seem to wrap her mind around it. She’d expected claws and teeth—some sort of animal instinct that needed sating. Losing her life was one thing, but losing her soul was unimaginable.
In the blink of an eye she’d gone from the safest she’d ever felt to the most terrified. She wouldn’t just die; her soul would be consumed. She’d never find peace or meet with her loved ones in the afterlife. It was a level of disappearing that she could not have prepared herself for. Fearful fury tore through her. It didn’t matter what she felt for him because Conor wanted her soul.
Rowan needed her dagger. She had to kill him. If he devoured her soul, the blight would continue to spread. It could destroy the whole village in a matter of months. The crops and orchards would wither, and the wildlife would move on to the north, where there were plants to sustain them. Aeoife would become acting Red Maiden. Ballybrine would crumble.
Conor’s admission strengthened her resolve in the Mother’s plan. She needed distance from him.
Though every instinct in her body screamed for her to run, she stayed frozen where she was.
“Say something,” Conor whispered.
Rowan shook her head. She needed to find the Red Maiden journals. While she could think of no reason for Conor to lie, she needed to be certain. She really would need to kill him. She tried to ignore the way her heart clenched.
It was too cruel that the moment she experienced the first true bit of affection, it had to instantly be ripped away. Her life seemed perfectly orchestrated to keep her from enjoying anything too much or forming any significant attachment. She’d been foolish to allow herself to want something—to allow herself to be crushed by the truth she’d always known—that she was meant to be alone.
She blinked away tears. She needed anger and her mind spun, trying to access it.
Conor had let this happen. He had been operating with all the information and was just telling her now. If he’d told her before, she could have been more prepared. Fury swelled in her chest.
“Rowan, I’m not going to let that happen. I won’t hurt you, but we should probably take some space. You should go back to Ballybrine in the morning,” Conor said. Everything that had been warm and heated in him had cooled to a steely, patronizing tone.
Rowan couldn’t stand the way he pulled her close and then tossed her away with such ease. He had kissed her, knowing the risk he was taking. It was all a game to him—one where he knew the rules, and she was left blind to them.
“I’ll go back now. Why wait until morning?” she said tightly.
“Rowan—” Conor reached for her, but she ducked his arm, using the evasion technique he’d taught her the day before. He spun, looking both impressed and frustrated. “At least wait until first light.”
Rowan laughed cruelly as she turned and left the room. “Isn’t it a little late to pretend you care if I’m in the dark?” She lobbed the words like a flaming arrow, and she knew they struck true when he flinched.
Charlie was already waiting for her in the foyer with her red cloak in his hand.
“I heard you’re leaving,” he said. It was disconcerting how the reaper always had a sense of precisely what was going on, but it seemed his magic was connected to Conor’s.
Rowan pulled on her boots. She sighed, trying to push away the angry tears that threatened. “Yes, well, I just finished with the gardening, and I should get back before anyone gets worried,” she said tightly as she grabbed her cloak and began to fasten it.
“Yes, it looks like you were doing quite a bit of gardening,” Charlie teased.
She followed his gaze to the glittering pollen handprints on her pale blue dress, including several perfectly preserved handprints over her breasts. She crossed her arms over her chest.
“He got a little close, and now he’s trying to shove you away,” Charlie sighed, rolling his eyes. “Whether he wants to admit it or not, he needs you.”
“He’s just like everyone else. He only needs me for what I can do for him. He only likes me because I smell like dessert,” she huffed.
“I don’t think that’s the only reason.” Charlie cocked an eyebrow, and Rowan flushed and looked away. “Especially now that you’ve given him a taste. I think you’re good for him, lass.”
Rowan choked on a startled laugh. “He wants to eat my soul.”
“Actually, him sending you away is a distinct sign that’s exactly what he doesn’t want to do. This would all be much easier if he did,” Charlie pointed out.
Rowan could not think clearly about any of it. She needed space to clear her head.
“I’ll see you next week,” she said, pushing out the heavy front door of the keep.
She was almost down the stairs that led to the forest trail when Conor’s voice rang out behind her.
“Rowan, wait!”
She paused and turned as he closed the distance between them. A deep, desperate part of her hoped he wanted to apologize, but it was clear from the cold look in his eyes that he didn’t.
“I just wanted to remind you that I’ll expect to still see you in white next week,” Conor said.
Rage burned through Rowan like a fever. For a moment, she seriously considered stabbing him right then and there, and the thought filled her with dark satisfaction. But stabbing him now wouldn’t solve her problems; it would only piss him off.
She shook her head in disbelief. “I’m hardly untouched. What we did doesn’t allow me to wear red?”
“No, lass. You’re still intact, and you’ll stay that way. Someday your future husband will probably be happy with that. The men of Ballybrine are small and archaic that way,” Conor said, smiling at her as if waiting for a challenge.
“And you aren’t?” she argued. “I seem to remember you asking with some intensity whether I had saved myself for you.”
His smile only grew. “Well, now that I’ve tasted you for myself, I know it’s true. As I explained then, it makes the magic more potent. Imagine the difference between eating a berry before its prime and one that’s plump and ripe.”
Rowan tore out of Wolf’s Keep without looking back. She walked down the trail, and it took her a surprisingly long time to realize that she’d forgotten a lantern. The path was so dark it sent a chill through her. She thought about turning back, but she didn’t want to see Conor again, so she pressed on.
She wished hopelessly for Orla. She had no idea what to do, and she just wanted someone more experienced to give her the answers. She wanted the comfort of a big sister or a mother to tell her that she was okay. She’d felt like she and Conor shared something intimate and special, but he had so quickly shut off any sense of feeling afterward. Maybe that wasn’t the act. Perhaps the act was the part where he pretended to actually care for her at all. Perhaps it was all a game to trick her into giving him what he wanted. The way he’d switched off any feeling was disconcerting.
She stopped suddenly. He could be lulling her into a false sense of safety until she let her guard down. She looked back over her shoulder, but she’d gone far enough that she couldn’t see the lanterns of Wolf’s Keep any longer. She turned and continued down the moonlit trail.
The branches above cast eerie shadows on the forest floor. The glimpses of silvery moonlight seemed few and far between. Rowan looked up at the trees but saw no sign of the blight.
She spun wildly. All of the tree trunks had healed to their usual brown. Each branch held new growth and large plumes of leaves. She laughed nervously, bringing her hand to her mouth. Her lips were still tender from Conor’s rough kisses.
She ran down the trail until she reached a place where the moonlight was easier to see. The blight had healed from Wolf’s Keep about halfway back to Ballybrine.
Rowan woke bleary-eyed. She could tell that it was at least midmorning by the slant of the sunlight slicing through her windows.
Despite her frustration, a pleasant satisfaction settled in her body, leftover from her time in the greenhouse with Conor the night before. The whole thing felt like some sort of dream. The sparkling pollen, the pulse of life in a space usually reserved for dead things. Conor had implied that everything there had once quivered with life. It was his blight that had robbed them of their vibrance, just like the Dark Garden. It made no sense for him to destroy his own world, but it could have been a byproduct of his growing magic.
That made the most sense. As Conor’s power grew, its potency would also become more concentrated and could easily produce such unexpected consequences. Perhaps it was as Charlie suggested, and the real reason Conor had thrown her out was entirely out of fear of losing control. Maybe that fear was more warranted than she realized.
She rolled over and stretched her arms overhead, remembering the way it felt when Conor had used his mouth on her. She’d never imagined anything could feel so good. Her hands skimmed down her body, brushing over the cotton nightgown.
As frustrated as she felt, she wanted Conor’s hands on her again, and she wanted him to teach her how to find that same satisfaction herself.
“Row, I should probably let you know I’m here before you get too involved with yourself?—”
She jumped at the sound of Cade’s voice. Her gaze snapped to where he sat by the fire, bent over a book.
Her cheeks flamed as she sat up.
“Good dream? Or is this a result of your time with your big, bad Wolf?” Cade taunted.
Rowan frowned at him. “That’s none of your business.”
Cade laughed. “I’ll take that as a yes. Good for you, Row. It’s about time you had a good experience. How was it?”
Rowan covered her face with her hands. “Absolutely not! I’m not talking to you about this! Get out of my room!”
She threw a pillow at him, but he disappeared in a puff of smoke and reappeared on the edge of her bed.
“Why are you here?” she huffed.
“Because my mission to find the journals has been fruitless. I have searched every drawer, chest, and crevice of the temple and the elder offices, and I have not found a single Red Maiden journal,” Cade said.
“Every crevice, you say?” Rowan asked, arching a brow.
“A little bitty tumble with the Wolf and now your mind is straying to dirty places. Naughty Rowan!” he taunted.
She swung her pillow at his face as he laughed.
“I’m kidding. Even if I wanted to search every crevice in that place, those old geezers are way too tight-assed for me to even get a peek.”
Rowan collapsed in a fit of giggles.
Cade grinned. “It’s good to see you laugh. I thought you might not forgive me after the other day with Elder Garrett. I thought maybe you weren’t coming back. You’ve been spending a lot of time with good old Wolfie.”
Rowan sighed. “I have, but it’s not to avoid you. It’s more to avoid the elders. But it’s also because I really need the Wolf to like me. This is my one chance to—” She cut herself off, realizing she almost tipped her hand about her deal with the Mother.
“Yes?” Cade prompted.
Rowan shook her head. “I have a chance to actually do something instead of just waiting around for my life to happen to me. It’s the first time I’ve really been able to take on any semblance of control. I don’t want to mess it up, and I certainly don’t want to give the elders any reason to cause more trouble for me.”
Cade nodded solemnly.
“Cade, I’m so close. Since I was five, my entire life has been devoted to this, and as unpleasant as it might be, I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.”
“Yes, but isn’t that the most dangerous place to be?” he questioned.
“Of course, but I’m not any safer here anymore.”
Cade bristled.
Rowan held up her hands. “That’s not a jab at you. You were right. I shouldn’t need you to protect me, and it’s certainly not your job. You didn’t create the world that put me in this place. I wasn’t even mad at you. I was frustrated with the whole situation. I’m tired of being powerless, and being at Wolf’s Keep is the one time that I’m actually in charge of something, at least a little bit.”
“Is your Wolf housebroken yet?” Cade taunted.
Rowan rolled her eyes. “He’s unpredictable, but I’m learning what he likes.”
Cade quirked an eyebrow. “And you’re one of those things?”
She narrowed her eyes. “You’re awfully curious all of a sudden.”
“I’m always curious. Do you expect you’ll soon be able to start wearing red dresses?” he pressed.
He was dancing right on the border of what she was willing to share with him. He might have been one of her closest friends, but it was strange to talk to him about romance.
“Cade, give it a rest! Are you so eager to see me devoured?” Rowan snapped.
Cade frowned. “What’s wrong?”
She rolled over in bed. “I don’t want to talk about it with you. It’s weird.”
“Whatever you say,” he sighed. “You should spend some time with Aeoife. She’s been very restless with you gone.”
“I’m sorry I was gone for so long. I just need to try to get through to the Wolf. If I can change into red dresses soon, it will get the elders off my back and give me some time to untangle this mess.”
“What mess?” Cade asked.
She’d said too much. “I just mean the mess with the elders.”
He nodded, but she could see that he didn’t buy her lie. He knew her too well, and years of friendship meant he knew every expression on her face just as she knew his.
“You know you can tell me anything. I don’t judge,” Cade sighed.
Rowan swallowed hard, tugging at a loose thread on the linen sheets. “I know. I’m just not ready yet.”
“I’ll be here when you are,” he whispered.
Rowan walked into the tower kitchen just as Aeoife exited her meditation and practice session.
“Rowie!” she shouted, throwing herself into Rowan’s waiting arms. “I was worried when you didn’t come home.”
Aeoife’s sweetness brought her to tears. “I’m sorry I was away for so long. I’m trying to make everything better for the two of us,” Rowan said.
Aeoife pulled back, reaching up to cup Rowan’s face in her small hands. “Someday, I want to be brave like you.”
Rowan swallowed hard. She didn’t feel brave. She felt lost. “I got to see Orla’s room at Wolf’s Keep, and guess what? She knew how to paint.”
Aeoife’s eyes went wide. “Landscapes?”
“Even better. She painted portraits, and she painted a beautiful one of you in a pretty pink dress. I promise I will bring it to you as soon as I figure out where we can hide it here, okay?”
Aeoife clapped her hands and jumped in delight before her face grew grave and her eyes went glassy.
Rowan knelt so she was at eye level with the girl. “What’s wrong?”
“Did he hurt you? I heard Mrs. Teverin talking, and she said that—” Aeoife cut herself off, unable to finish as her lower lip trembled.
Rowan sighed. “No, I’m perfectly fine. See, I’m even still wearing white,” she said, gesturing to her dress.
“Then why is your heart so sad?” Aeoife asked.
Rowan stared at her. “How do you know my heart is sad?”
Aeoife looked down, dragging the toe of her boot over the stone floor. “Sometimes I can feel things that other people feel.”
“What kinds of things?” Rowan asked. Her mind flew to what Orla had written about her unique abilities. If anyone found out what Aeoife could do, they were bound to exploit it.
Aeoife finally met her eyes again. “Well, I could feel when Orla was lonely, or when you were sad that your parents didn’t come to visitation. I could feel it when you were afraid to go see Elder Garrett. And now I can feel that you’re embarrassed and sad.”
“What does it feel like?” Rowan asked.
“It feels like it’s in my heart and also like it’s not. It’s hard to explain. I just have learned what most of the sensations mean,” Aeoife said, her gaze darting around the room.
“Aeoife, look at me,” Rowan said sternly. “Do not tell anyone else what you can do, all right? Your secret is safe with me, but other people could take advantage of your gift. This is our secret, okay? Don’t even tell Cade.”
Everything Rowan had learned about demonic bargains chipped away at the long-established trust she had with Cade. It wasn’t that she thought he was evil so much as opportunistic. Still, his close relationship with Aeoife meant that he had more pull over her than most, and Rowan didn’t want to risk it.
Aeoife nodded.
“Good. Now I’m sure you’ve been lonely, so why don’t you tell me everything you’ve been up to, and we can get sticky buns at Hanna’s before we catch up on some reading.”
Aeoife’s face lit up. She took Rowan’s hand and tugged up her hood so they could walk to town.
Rowan spent the whole day with Aeoife, walking through town and then reading to her for hours until the girl finally fell asleep, clinging to Rowan.
Cade had been mysteriously absent. Aeoife said he’d been gone a lot while Rowan was away.
Rowan was about to nod off despite her worry for her demon friend when the sound in her bedroom warped and the Mother appeared with a bright flash of light.
Rowan stared at the goddess. Her sudden appearances were so disorienting. She carefully extricated herself from Aeoife’s arms and crossed her hands over her chest before opening them in front of her and bowing her head.
“I don’t have long. What news do you have?” the Mother asked.
“I am making progress, but the Wolf seems intent to stop me at every turn.”
The Mother frowned. “He still hasn’t taken you to bed? What is he waiting for?”
Rowan shrugged. “We got…close.”
“How close?” the Mother asked.
“He danced with me and then kissed me,” Rowan said.
“A kiss? That’s all?” The Mother looked forlorn.
“Not just on the lips,” Rowan continued. She gestured to the rest of her body.
The goddess’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh really? And how did you like that?”
Rowan flushed. “I liked it a lot.”
The Mother arched a brow. “I bet you did. And how did he like it?”
“Enough that he almost took me to bed afterward, but I stopped it because I didn’t have my dagger. I think I can do it next week,” Rowan said, trying to summon confidence she didn’t feel.
The Mother flickered slightly and said nothing.
“On my walk home, I noticed that the blight is healing, and the Dark Wood is healed almost halfway back to Ballybrine. It seems a clear sign he’s losing power,” Rowan continued.
The Mother still looked disappointed.
“I thought you’d be pleased,” Rowan said.
Her face softened. “Dear, I don’t mean to seem ungrateful. I already knew it was healing. The problem is that it doesn’t matter if it’s healing. The Wolf is still getting stronger. If there was ever a time to strike, it’s now. I just need you to understand the urgency. The new religion is a threat to me and to all of us. Right now, it is my will alone that holds back death. Even if the blight is healing in the Dark Wood, I’m not strong enough to prevent it from continuing to spread into Ballybrine. Several more apple trees in Ashand Orchards went barren with blight just this morning.”
Rowan swallowed hard and nodded.
The Mother touched her cheek tenderly. “All isn’t lost, dear. You can save us. I believe in you, and I know you can do it the next time you are there.”
Rowan was bolstered by the Mother’s confidence.
“His resolve is nothing for you, Rowan. You are a beautiful, talented woman. He won’t be able to resist,” the goddess said softly.
“I’ll find a way,” Rowan said, her eyes darting to Aeoife’s sleeping form. She didn’t need a reminder of what was at stake. She didn’t want Aeoife to have to suffer the same life she’d led.
“I’ll be watching over you, and I’ll see you soon,” the Mother said. Rowan nodded and watched her fade into a flickering flame before disappearing.
Rowan climbed back into bed next to Aeoife and promised herself she’d go into her next visit with the Wolf with as much information as possible. In the morning, she’d tear the temple apart to find the Red Maiden journals.