The Fourth Wedding #2
J wonders if this is actually a problem, that he’s never looked at an altar and imagined standing there with V. It’s hard to imagine her in a wedding dress; she has nothing but contempt for lace.
“Maybe I’d keep it simple, like you,” J says, more to keep the conversation moving than out of any deep belief in what he’s asserting. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Andreas asks him about V. “There’s something very appealing about that.”
Andreas takes a sip of coffee, then smiles and says, “We’ll see, won’t we? Now, what do you need to know for your song? Really, there’s no need to write a new one. We’d be perfectly happy with a song from one of your albums.”
“Absolutely not,” J says. “I want to give this to you.” Then he starts his questioning predictably, pen in hand. “Tell me how you met.”
Andreas smiles with even more intensity; remarkably, he’s not tired of this question.
“I admired a scarf she was wearing,” he says.
“I thought it was a vintage Yves Saint Laurent—it looked like the wings of a butterfly. As you know, I don’t ordinarily have an eye toward clothing, but this caught my attention.
I didn’t even register how beautiful the woman wearing the scarf was until I caught her looking at me.
I told her I admired her scarf, and she told me it had been her grandmother’s.
Before I knew it, we were going for a drink.
It’s a very old-fashioned way to meet someone!
But I suppose that’s to be expected for someone like me. ”
“And now...how does she make you feel?”
“Good. Happy. Very happy.”
J shakes his head. “I need a little more than that. Something more personal.”
“I mean, what can I say that hasn’t been said a thousand times before?”
“Try.” J takes out his phone and puts on the timer. “I want you to talk about it for three minutes. Just say whatever comes into your head. Are you ready?”
He knows Andreas won’t say no.
“Sure. Has it started? Okay. Um...she makes me laugh? But she’s not one of those people who makes you laugh because she’s shooting someone else down.
Or herself. No, it’s just the way she sees the world is a little bit off from mine or anyone else’s, and when she shares what she sees with me, it’s really funny because it’s absolutely true, in a way I never saw before.
And maybe she makes me that way, too. Like, when I focus on her, it clears away the noise.
There’s so much noise all the time, and a lot of the time, it drowns me out.
I’m not the kind of guy who yells, who says hey, look at me!
No, if you want to get to me, you have to really clear the path.
And that’s what she does. It’s not like anyone else I’ve been with, the way that path is clear.
When we’re alone, we’re not competing with the outside world and we’re not competing with each other.
That brings out the best in me, I guess.
Or at least the part of me I like the most. I’m making her sound like she’s this Zen person—you’ll meet her, she’s not.
But—let me put it this way. Everything’s in the right place with her.
It’s unique and it’s unusual and maybe it’s not perfectly balanced, but nothing’s a mess.
When you’re with someone like that, and when the two of you have complementary notions.
..I guess I can put it in musical terms, can’t I?
We have harmony. But I also get to hear her melody, and she gets to hear mine, and it’s the most honest, clearest melody I’ve ever made. For her ears only. Is that time?”
“Yes, you were a little over. But I wanted to hear where you’d go. And I promise you, it wasn’t something that’s been said a thousand times before. The feeling underneath, sure. But not those particular words in that particular order.”
J admires how pure Andreas’s feelings seem.
He also thinks Andreas is a fool—hasn’t he ever been hurt by love before?
Maybe this is his first serious relationship, and therefore his first serious potential heartbreak.
J doesn’t want to be the guy to warn him.
But he also hopes someone does warn him.
“Is something the matter?” Andreas asks.
“No, just had an idea for the song,” J covers. He is awful enough a person to blatantly lie, but not so awful as to submerge Andreas in his own treacherous depths on the eve of his wedding.
“That’s so exciting,” Andreas says. “You’re so kind to do this.”
J looks down at his notebook. While Andreas was speaking, he jotted down a few words, but he’s not sure yet if there’s anything he can particularly use.
He thinks of the other questions he could ask.
What makes you so sure ?
How can you possibly know ?
What will you do if it doesn’t work out ?
Why risk so much pain ?
Yes, he wants these answers. But he also knows they won’t do him much good unless it’s V answering.
In his silver cigarette case, J sees his distorted self and thinks it’s a pretty accurate reflection.
“What would you miss the most about her if she were gone?” he asks. Immediately, he wants to take it back, but it’s too late.
“Myself,” Andreas replies. “I imagine I’d miss myself. The person I’ve become without the noise.”
“You know this already? How long has it been?”
“Eight months. And, yes, I know this already. Isn’t that remarkable?”
Eight months, J thinks. You can spend years in a relationship chasing after where you were at eight months .
He remembers what it was like with V around that time.
Navigating between their two apartments.
If V mentioned a favorite movie that J hadn’t seen, they’d watch it that night.
If J was going out of town, he’d leave her with a favorite book of his, to “keep her company.” Sometimes he’d take a second copy with him, and they’d talk about it when he got back.
(Not the same as reading it to each other over the phone, but he puts that out of mind.)
“And here she is!” Andreas announces.
J has been staring at his notebook, and now he looks up just as Kerstin appears from behind him.
She looks a little older than Andreas, but J isn’t sure if that’s because of her age or her demeanor.
Her red hair is cropped short, and she has a light purple birthmark under her left ear.
She’s wearing a bright blue blazer that matches the bright blue frames of her glasses.
Andreas stands to greet her, and the two of them kiss as if she’s just gotten home.
J stands too, but that only makes his observation of their affection more awkward for him.
If this were a cartoon, they would be the source of a rainbow and he would have a cloud over his head.
Or maybe the floor would open up beneath him and he’d hang in the air for a moment, wondering what to do.
This is a pattern that J does not like to admit to himself: When he is dating somebody, he doesn’t really feel competitive with any of the lovers around him.
He takes their happiness at face value, because he knows the value of his own happiness.
He doesn’t need what they have, as long as he has his own version.
But when he’s single, he suddenly feels like he’s putting all his weight on a phantom limb.
He doesn’t envy the couples around him as much as he feels the world is teeming with inadequacy.
His own. Theirs. It feels like everyone is playing a parlor game called Don’t Be Lonely!
and while others have forgotten it’s a game, he understands that a winning hand only lasts until the next cards are dealt.
Andreas is now introducing J to Kerstin, and Kerstin to J.
She tells him what an honor it is to meet him, how she loves his music so much, how it never occurred to her when she was at one of his concerts that someday he would be playing a song at her wedding.
She repeats the story of Andreas seeing J’s record the first time he came to her place.
Instead of calling it serendipity, she calls it fate.
“Thank you,” J says. “The honor is truly mine. The man you are marrying is the nicest man in the world.”
Andreas immediately protests (“I killed a fly just the other day!”), but Kerstin agrees.
“I’m very, very lucky,” she says.
Andreas looks at his watch and says he needs to be going—he’s called in a favor at a bespoke tailor, and it would be rude to keep the woman waiting.
Kerstin kisses him goodbye, then takes his seat. J asks her if she wants anything to eat or drink. She says she’s happy just to talk, and to finish the coffee Andreas has left.
J explains again how everything will work.
“Really, it’s unbelievable of you to do this,” Kerstin says at the end of the explanation.
“If the roles were reversed, and I needed a silver tea service or a Bentley or a robe once worn by Greta Garbo herself, I know Andreas would do the same.”
Kerstin smiles. “You’re absolutely right.
But not everyone reciprocates his kindness.
Most of his family takes from him without giving much back.
And some of the people he’s dealt with in his business—well, it means so much to him to see the best in people, but they don’t always deserve that.
” Kerstin pauses, as if she’s just overheard herself talking at another table.
“Listen to me! What an awful way to start. Please don’t put any of that in your song. ”
J is now concerned. “He’s okay, isn’t he?”
“Oh, yes. Through his eyes, everyone is his friend. And I’m very careful what I share with him about what I see through my eyes, because he has so much faith in everyone, and I don’t want him to lose that.
And, please, don’t get me wrong—there are many, many people like you, who understand his kindness and are kind in return.
Because we believe that is how the world should work. ”
“To be loved, and love in return,” J says.
Kerstin leans back in her chair. “Not exactly.”
“Not exactly?”