Chapter 38
THIRTY-EIGHT
Lila and Grace aren’t shy about staring across the cafeteria where Soren’s sitting with Cassia, glued to his side. They’re with his friends, and somehow, Kenzo seems on edge, and Aiden is too tense. That’s all I’m able to see before forcing myself to look away and try to act unbothered.
It’s been a week since the wedding party, and Soren hasn't tried to contact me, not even once. I’d lie if I said that I took the mature approach and just let go of it because I didn’t.
I got drunk, and I was prepared to confront him then and there.
Thankfully, Grace was still sober and held me back from embarrassing myself in public.
But it fucking hurts.
I’m not the person who’d ever beg for anyone’s attention, or love, so texting him or calling him after seeing him with Cassia was never even an option. But it does hurt. He acted so differently only a week and a half ago, and look where we are now — right back to square one.
“Why don’t you ask Kenzo about all of this?” Avalon asks, looking at me. She’s the only one not blatantly staring at the other table, while Grace and Lila are completely unbothered that they’ve been caught staring more than once.
“Why would I do that?” I scoff, but the ache in my chest seems to worsen. “Soren’s clearly preoccupied, and at this point, I’m over it. I don’t want to know anything.”
Avalon sees right through my lies, her hand coming to rest on top of mine, giving it a firm squeeze. I feel like crying all the time, and whenever I’m alone in my dorm, I let it all out. It hurts because on some deeper level, I always knew I shouldn’t trust Soren with my heart.
I knew I never should’ve allowed myself to fall for him.
But I did.
And by the time I realized just how deeply my feelings ran, it was already too late. My best guess is that I’m a conquest he conquered, and he eventually got bored and moved on to the next one.
It just makes no sense that he’d pick Cassia.
He’s always been annoyed by her, and dare I say, hated her guts. So why would he pick her out of all people? And the fact that he’s not trying to contact me at all only solidifies that he never actually cared. He got what he wanted from me, and now I’m no longer excited.
“Hey,” Avalon’s soft voice reaches my ears, and I look down. She quickly uses the napkin to soak up the tears underneath my eyes, careful not to be seen by everyone else. “Please, don’t cry. You never cry. I don’t know what to do when you’re crying.”
I laugh softly, taking a deep breath. “I’m okay. I’m just… shocked, I guess. I don’t know why I thought he’d be a decent man. After all, I spent my entire life hating him, I should’ve known better.”
“You were swept up by the excitement, and the forbidden nature of your relationship,” Lila chimes in, softly stroking my hair. “I’m really sorry you’re going through this, but the man doesn’t deserve it.”
“I know,” I sigh, and involuntarily glance toward Soren’s table.
His hand is wrapped around Cassia’s shoulder, and she’s chatting with one of her friends who just sat down. Soren looks… rather different, now that I’m seeing him from this angle. Somehow, he looks tired. But the moment his eyes land on me, I look away, because I know I’ll start crying.
I hate him.
I hate him so fucking much.
The motherfucker deserves everything bad coming his way.
“I can’t sit still,” I grit out, and Grace’s eyes light up with excitement.
“Please tell me you’re bringing the cunt out of retirement?”
“Absolutely.”
Grace sighs in relief. “Finally! What are we doing?”
“We have quite a few things we need to do,” I start explaining, and Avalon groans from beside me. “I still want to check out Astrid’s dorm, I hear she’s coming back tomorrow. So, this weekend, Grace and I are going to do it.”
“How do you plan on getting in?” Lila asks.
“I’ll figure it out,” I shrug. “Then, I’ll ruin both Ford siblings with one blow. How do I do it, though?”
“You can always send Sinners and Saints the images of you tattooing him,” Grace offers. “I mean, there’s little you can do on that front, to be honest. You did your worst by leaking his sex tape.”
“I should’ve saved that for a different purpose,” I mutter. “But Cassia’s on my list, too. I want her ruined and in fucking shambles.”
“I can help there,” Lila says. “I have a few people who can dig out information on her. But what do you want, exactly?”
“I’m very, very angry. I don’t want her ruined; I want her entire family’s name to burn to the ground. I’ve always disliked her, but seeing her all happy is making me even more spiteful. I want to watch the bitch burn.”
“Gotcha,” Lila says. “I’ll see what I can do. In the meantime, you figure out how you want Soren dealt with.”
“I do have something on Cassia,” I say, remembering one particular detail from our freshman year, “but I’ll hold onto using it until I genuinely need it.”
“Why don’t you confront him first?” Avalon suggests.
“I’m sorry?”
“Maybe there’s a reasonable, good explanation as to why he’s acting like this. Maybe there’s something you don’t know, and it’s better to make sure you’re clear on all fronts before doing anything drastic.”
“I don’t say this often, but I do agree with Ava,” Grace mutters, sipping on her juice box. “If he says something atrocious, then you’ll just get angrier, and the revenge will be ten times better.”
“Or more reckless,” Lila says, taking a bite of the apple. “It might make you act on impulse.”
“I’ll hold her back,” Grace chuckles. “She won’t do anything stupid.”
“Okay, but I seriously need to leave right about now,” I take my bag with trembling hands.
Because I made the mistake of looking in Soren’s direction, and seeing the moment Cassia kissed him. My stomach dropped, something akin to a knife twisting in my gut. And the pain lingers, even after I look away from them.
All of this hurts way more than I thought it would.
◆◆◆
The library is rather empty. The librarian is behind the desk, reading a book, and glancing up from time to time, shushing people who are getting louder. Only a handful of tables are full, and it’s mainly students from my year, preparing for our final exams.
I find an empty table in the back of the library and slump into the wooden chair. I pull out all of my textbooks, notebooks, and pens, alongside a water bottle, my phone, and a pair of noise-canceling headphones, so everything else fades into the background, and I can focus on studying.
Studying has always been my escape. It’s the only time when I’m able to force myself into full concentration mode, and nothing else manages to sneak into my brain.
I’m entirely lost in the material in front of me, my eyes skimming over the words a couple of times, before pulling out the most important bits on the paper.
The silence is comforting. There’s nothing except the books, the notes, and myself, and that makes me feel at ease.
Because for a while, I didn’t think it would be possible to shove Soren to the back of my head.
He’s been constantly on my mind, lingering, and even appearing in my dreams. And all of it hurts because all my life, I was seen as an extension of my parents.
Mom and Dad have given me a privileged life, and I love them more than words can ever describe.
That’s why I’ve been working so hard to make them proud.
The only reason I accepted getting into the business was to make them proud. I know they would never object if I were to choose a different career path, but then everything they taught me would’ve been for nothing. And disappointing them is the least thing I want to do.
Which is why all of this with Soren is hurting so much. Mom warned me; she didn’t like him, and she made that painfully obvious. It hurts because, although she didn’t say it outright, she was, in a way, disappointed.
I went against my better judgment and trusted Soren.
And he tossed me aside like garbage, like a used rug that he no longer has any use for.
I don’t know why I’m surprised. I don’t know why my heart feels like it’s being continuously stabbed, pierced with a million tiny needles on repeat.
It’s affected my sleep and even my ability to follow the lessons.
I’ve been snappier and it’s been easier to get on my nerves. I’m trying my best to control the rage inside of me, but when such an amount of anger is mixed with so much pain, it’s bound to create a catastrophic bomb, and I’m scared for myself. I don’t know how I’ll handle confronting Soren.
I need to do it. If anything, just for my peace of mind. I know I haven’t been the easiest person to communicate with, but I didn’t deserve this. No one deserves this, to be thrown aside, and to be replaced like I never even mattered.
A small tap comes to my shoulder, and I flinch. I remove the headphones, turning around with chills running down my body. Then, I sigh when I spot Damien. He has a soft smile on his face, then takes a seat on the empty chair across from me.
“I’m sorry if I scared you.”
“It’s alright,” I chuckle. “What are you doing here?”
“You haven’t been answering your phone,” he says, and I take the phone.
My eyes widen when I see the time — I’ve been stuck inside the library for over two hours, and I could’ve sworn it was less than an hour.
There are a handful of messages from the group chat, and two missed calls from Damien.
“Huh, I didn’t see it. I’m sorry. Is everything okay? ”
“Oh, it is,” he smiles. “I just wanted to check up on you, and Avalon said you’d be here. How are you doing, Soph?”
I shrug, feigning nonchalance. “I’m alright. Why?”
He’s silent for a moment, then he speaks, lowering his voice just in case. “I saw the image, Soph. Everyone did. And I know you’ve been involved with Soren.”
“Oh. Are you judging me?”
“What? No, no,” he shakes his head. “I’m your friend. I’m here if you want to talk to anyone about it. I’m guessing it’s not easy for you.”
Damien reaches over the table, taking my hand in his. He gives me a soft squeeze, and I release a deep sigh. It’s weird talking about my issues with Soren with another man, but then again, that’s exactly what I might need right now.
“It’s really not,” I lean back in the chair, staring at the shelf filled with books behind Damien. “I’m not sure what happened. Everything was going well, and then he just… stopped answering my calls, or acknowledging me at all, really. I’m not sure what I did wrong.”
“You probably didn’t do anything wrong, Soph,” he says, giving me another small squeeze, then pulls his hand back. “Men are shit. I know it probably won’t make your heartache better, but you’ve always been out of his league. He doesn’t deserve you; he never did.”
“It does help a little,” I smile. “Thanks.”
“You’re welcome.”
“But, Damien,” I clear my throat. “You shouldn’t be talking to me, at all.”
He sighs. “I know. You were serious about that, huh?”
“It’s for your own good,” I respond. “I don’t want you to get hurt again.”
“Even now when he’s involved with Cassia?”
I clench my jaw. “That’s none of my business, or yours for that matter.”
“Fine,” he sighs. “I won’t bother you again. But don’t let the bastard isolate you from the world, Sophia. You deserve so much better.”
“He won’t,” I mutter.
“Come on, now.”
I frown. “Where?”
“I’ll walk you to the girls' dormitory. It’s late, you shouldn’t be walking alone.”
“But I still have a bit more to study.”
“Really?” Damien deadpans. “You can study tomorrow, or this weekend. You need sleep, because in case you forgot, tomorrow’s first class starts at eight.”
With a groan and a few choice words under my breath, I pack everything back into my bag, standing up and stretching a little.
Tomorrow after classes, I’ll confront the bastard. And I won’t go easy on him, because I deserve an explanation. If he fails to provide me with one that’ll satisfy the rage inside of me, he’ll regret it all. He’ll regret ever approaching me, and most of all, he’ll regret knowing me.
That, I’m certain of.