Chapter 23
Chapter Twenty-Three
SORROW
I wake up with a start, knowing instinctively that I’m not where I was when I fell asleep and that I’m alone. My body is slick with sweat as the remnants of the nightmare cling to my skin. I sit up, realizing belatedly that I’m in bed, and slowly open my eyes.
I take in the faded walls and the shelves lined with my favorite books, the chair in the corner with clothes laid out upon it that would never be worn, and the stuffed teddies at the foot of the bed that face me with their hollow eyes.
Eyes that are haunted by what they saw that night.
My chest pulls tight as I struggle to breathe, my vision fading in and out as panic floods through me.
My eyes drift to the beige carpet and then to the large, rust-colored stain that has faded over time.
A sharp pain shoots through my stomach, an echo of that god-awful night making me gasp in agony.
No, no, God no. My mind is spinning around and around until I open my mouth and scream.
I scream a scream that’s filled with every inch of horror, fear, and self-loathing that I feel.
I scream until my voice gives out, and there is no air left in my lungs.
The bedroom door slams open, but I don’t take my eyes away from the red that marks more than my threadbare carpet—it stains my soul.
I’m wrapped up in strong arms, but my fractured mind can’t separate the here and now from the night when another set of arms held me down before they rained down punches and kicks upon my already weakened body.
I thrash and whimper, trying desperately to get free, but the arms don’t budge.
But instead of hitting, they stroke. Instead of restricting me, they soothe.
I soon realize that I’m cradled in Banner’s arms, being rocked gently from side to side.
His words slowly penetrate my brain, calming me enough to suck in lungfuls of air before I wrap my arms around his neck and sob into his shoulder.
“Please come back to me, Sorrow. Please, please, please.” I hear Banner’s whispered plea.
I lift my head, which feels too heavy for me to hold up, and look into his tortured eyes.
I feel him wrap the quilt tightly around me, cocooning me within, fighting back the chill that had begun to set in.
I turn my head back to the spot on the floor and feel the chains of my self-imposed prison snap.
“I was sick.” My voice is scratchy from screaming, as well as from years of disuse.
He freezes, then looks at me with a mix of relief and trepidation.
He knows my words are going to hurt him as much as they will me.
But it’s time. There can be no future for us while the ghosts of our pasts haunt us.
“I thought it was the flu, but I couldn’t shake it, so I went to the doctor.” I take a deep breath, which hitches painfully in my chest. “Alec was so mad, he said it was all my fault and that I was trying to ruin his life. He just kept kicking me over and over, telling me he would fix everything.”
Banner uses the pad of his thumb to wipe away my tears, but it’s a losing battle.
I look over at the spot on the floor that stopped me from setting foot in this room until now and sob out the truth I hid from the world.
“I lost my baby right there. I tried so hard to fight, to will them to hold on as I dragged myself down the stairs to the car. I knew I needed the hospital. It was all I cared about. I thought Alec had passed out, but he chased me down and jumped in the passenger seat as I drove off. He wouldn’t stop screaming at me to pull over, but I had to get to the hospital.
It was the only chance my baby had of making it.
When he realized I wasn’t going to listen, he yanked the wheel.
I don’t remember much else after we hit the tree.
I smashed my head on the window and kept fading in and out.
“Alec was gone, but I was trapped by the seat belt. I could feel myself bleeding, but I couldn’t move. I knew it was too late. When I woke up in the hospital, they told me Alec was dead and my baby was gone too.”
I look up at Banner and see tears coursing down his face.
I lift a shaky hand and cup his jaw. “I was so ashamed. It was all my fault. If I had left him at the start, then none of this would have happened. I vowed to myself that I would keep it a secret to protect you, Katy, your mom, and your dad. You had all lost enough. What good could come from finding out the truth? I took your anger and theirs because I felt like I deserved it. A part of me still does.”
“None of this is your fault. Do you hear me, Sorrow? Not a single thing that happened was your fault. I’m so fucking sorry that I wasn’t here to protect you, that I ran away like a coward. If anything, the blame lies with me.”
I shake my head. “No, Banner. The person to blame was Alec, but he’s gone now. He paid the ultimate price. I just—” My voice breaks as I struggle to find the right words.
“Just what, Sorrow?”
“I just want someone else to know about them other than me. I want someone else to know how important they were and how much I loved them. I was gonna be such a good mom, Banner, I swear it. I was going to shower them with so much love that they would never go a day feeling lonely or unwanted.” The tears break free again, stealing my ability to speak.
Banner holds me tighter. Mourning the loss of his niece or nephew. When we are both cried out, he picks me up gently and carries me downstairs and sits on the sofa with me in his lap. I burrow into him, feeling weak but lighter than before.
“What happens now?” I ask, scared that this will be more than he can take. He doesn’t answer right away.
He tucks a strand of hair behind my ear and places his lips against my forehead.
“You stay with me, and we start over. We deserve a chance to see where this goes, Sorrow. But I think you deserve more than a quick fuck against the wall. You deserve flowers and dancing, holding hands and date nights. I want to show you everything you missed out on.”
I close my eyes and breathe him in, and something inside me shifts. I open my eyes and find him watching, waiting for my answer.
“Hi, I’m Sorrow. I live next door and I’m hopelessly and irrevocably in love with you.”
He chokes out a startled laugh before kissing me softly. “Hi, I’m Banner, and I’m the guy that’s going to marry you one day, sweetheart.”
“Jake Bannerman, did you just ask me to marry you while I’m half naked and covered in snot?” I scold lightly.
“No, Sorrow. I’m not asking. I’m telling you. One day, when you’re ready, you’re going to wear my ring, share my name, and carry my babies. And they will grow up safe in the knowledge that they have a little guardian angel looking down upon them.”
I smile through my tears and press my lips against his. We stay like that for the rest of the night.
I don’t know why I’m here. There is nothing good I can gain from coming, and yet after last night’s revelations, I had to come.
I stand at the entrance of the cemetery that I ran from six years ago, clenching and unclenching my hands as I stand frozen at the iron gates, torn between facing my demons and running from them.
I press my head against the bars, warring with myself when I catch a glimpse of blonde out of the corner of my eye.
I turn my head, knowing what I’ll see. Katy.
Kneeling in front of her brother’s grave with her whole body shaking so hard I can see it from here.
Shit, I can’t leave now. God fucking damnit. I push the heavy gate open, surprised that it doesn’t groan at me, and make the trek to the last place on earth I should be.
“I hate you.” Her words choke me, making my stomach clench as I remember her brother saying the same thing. I’m about to turn on my heel, but she isn’t talking to me. She’s talking to the marble stone before her.
“I hate that I will never be good enough for them. I hate that I have to live in your shadow. But most of all, I hate that they refuse to acknowledge what you were really like, or what you did to me.” My blood runs cold as her words register. Oh no, please no.
I sit beside her, making her jump. She was so lost in her grief that she hadn’t even heard me approach.
“Shit, Sorrow, you scared the crap out of me,” she tells me while furiously swiping her eyes. “How much did you hear?” she asks me softly.
I look at her, letting her see the truth in my eyes.
“Right,” she whispers, looking away. I don’t like that.
I don’t want her ever to feel ashamed. I harbor enough shame for both of us.
I wrap my arm around her and pull her gently until she rests her head on my shoulder.
I let her cry against me and run my fingers through her hair as she lets everything go.
“He hurt you, too, didn’t he?” she finally asks. I tense, but I won’t lie to her. I nod against the top of her head.
“I didn’t really get it, you know? Brothers and sisters fight. My friends at school all fought with their brothers, so I thought it was normal, but…” She drifts off. I sit up straight and slide my finger under her chin and tip her head up, urging her to go on.
“He liked it. He liked hurting me. It got to the point where I was scared to be alone with him. I just kept thinking I was overreacting, but I wasn’t, was I?”
I shake my head. I took the brunt of his anger. I hate to think how much worse it would have been for her if I hadn’t been there.
“My parents talk about him like he was some kind of god. I tried to tell them so many times, but they played it off as if I were the issue. Now that he’s gone, they won’t hear a bad word said about him, and I’m still being forced to live in his shadow.”
I stand up and tug her up with me. This boy took enough from us. He doesn’t deserve any more of our time. She follows me quietly, her hand in mine as we make our way back to the gates. She doesn’t say anything until I swing them open.