Twenty-Six
Avory
My limbs pin themselves to the bed this morning. No matter what I try, I cannot bring myself to rise out of the safety of my duvet because I know that as soon as my feet touch the floor, then I need to get dressed. If I get dressed, that means I must leave the flat. If I leave the flat, that means I’m going to Sombre’s Café and if I’m going to Sombre’s Café then that means I’ll see Sawyer. Sawyer, the man who I have effortlessly fallen for, and yet if I see him today, that means I’m telling him that I’m leaving. We’re leaving because we have been handed the most amazing opportunity, the opportunity which we have been striving for since the beginning, and yet I’m not excited. I’m dreading it entirely because as soon as we leave for said opportunity, I’m leaving behind an opportunity which I never thought I’d ever have.
Love. No, not love. Do I dare call it love? No, because if I loved Sawyer, I wouldn’t have left him on read last night when I could see that he needed me, wanted me to talk to him. He needed support and I purposefully ignored him. That’s not what you do to someone you love. Maybe if I can convince myself of this, it’ll be easier to let him go.
My foot taps a comforting beat somehow attempting to calm my nerves, my racing heartbeat, my aching mind, yet my hand refuses to lift from my side to knock on the steel door. My breathing begins to quake because I know he’s on the other side of this door and he’s waiting for me. He’s waiting for me to greet him in the usual way I do with my hands resting on his waist and my lips against his, completely encased in his warmth and softness—And when on earth did it get so overwhelmingly hot out here?
A chilling evening breeze hears my cries as it weaves its way through my black and white checkered shirt, the cooling sensation grounding my body and mind to the here and now, and with a mental push off the ledge, my hand is on the door. Sawyer taught me to inhale, hold, exhale. In, hold, out. In, hold—The door begins to screech open. His hazel curls with strands of gold throughout bounce against his forehead as he readjusts his glasses. A soft yet pleasing smile rises across his face, and only then do I realise that I never released my breath.
Instead, my body lunges forward before my mind can think of a single word to say, and my arms surround Sawyer, his head and warming breath burying into the nook of my neck washing me in a pleasant comfort which I wish I could sink away in, never having to leave this moment, ever.
Sawyer slowly pulls back, his fingertips softly grazing my cheeks before travelling to the back of my neck and tangling themselves in the roots of my hair.
“You missed me that much, huh?”
he teases as he gently laughs to himself, and that laugh is nearly enough to cause me to crumble in his hands.
My eyes refuse to look at his, his jade spheres which always bring me a sense of peace, yet they only seem to wreak chaos within my mind, and he isn’t even aware as to why. My thoughts spill past my lips in a whisper, and I can’t catch them in time.
“I’m always going to miss you this much, even more than this.”
All my remaining hope falls into Sawyer not hearing what I said. His face tells me everything, though. Even in my peripherals, I can’t stand to see him with such an expression which morphs from confusion to realisation. I gently remove his hands from my neck, and with one swift step, I’m around and past Sawyer, entering the sparkling clean café which is swimming in a mixture of citrus cleaning products. A sparkling clean café which Sawyer causes so we can spend as much of our time together, learning about each other, mentally, emotionally, physically.
I roll my head back and forth until my eyes face the tiled ceiling, the tears forming being held back with as much force as possible. I blink, I roll my eyes back. In, hold, out, but nothing works.
Sawyer’s footsteps are always faint, gentle as if he floats everywhere he goes, but the slight heel he has on his brown loafers give away his arrival. I’m weak, and my eyes fall to his. A neutral expression is all I can read from his untouched and ironed features, his shoulders rising and falling ever so slightly as he takes deep breaths. Just focusing on his shoulders, my breathing calms, falling in time with his, and he notices. That gentle smile returns, alongside his harmonic and soothing tone.
“Avory, are you leaving?”
I force myself to believe I imagine the crack in his vocals at the end of his question, and I stumble over myself as he somehow already knows. My throat dries and feels identical to the end of a show, and I know how hard it is to talk after performing.
“How did you know?”
I gladly accept his hands intertwining with mine.
“Just a feeling, I guess. We didn’t talk last night, I met with Gwen this morning to talk about how enamoured I am with you, yet we both knew one day this would happen. The world is cruel like that.”
He quietly chuckles to himself again, but I sense it’s to hide our similar sentiments.
“When have you got to leave?”
“In four days.”
He exhales, and I can see his mind thinking, ticking with each rushing thought. I wish to bury myself in his thoughts as his fingers tap rapidly on the back of my hand. Eventually, the tapping pauses, and Sawyer’s voice is softer than I’ve ever heard it.
“When Gwen was here this morning, I expressed emotions and thoughts to her which have been foreign to my mind for so long. I broke down, everything feeling like it was higher than an all-time high, but at least I felt something. I’d taught myself how to ignore emotions, to mask everything in an attempt to make my mother happy, but I lost myself. I didn’t know who I was anymore.”
He pauses, as if he’s considering his next words carefully, and I wouldn’t dare interrupt.
“That was until you came along, Avory.”
My breath hitches in my throat and a smile begins to beam across my face, and I can’t stop it.
“Maybe we were stupid to think this could work, I knew my feelings for you would make this too damn hard. We always knew you would have to leave someday, but I don’t want this feeling, of feeling like myself with you, to ever end.”
“Sawyer, I—”
His finger meets my lips, silencing me in my tracks and something about Sawyer wanting me to listen, wanting to be heard, speaks to me.
“I’ll make you a deal, Avory. We have three meetings left in this very café, if you’re free to. After that, we’ll go our separate ways, and I’ll never forget you and everything you made me realise about myself. I don’t want to waste our time thinking of the future apart, I just want to spend these evenings together, here, doing whatever our hearts desire until…”
His voice trails off, and I can see him attempting to hold his word.
No tears, no upset, just us. I don’t know what’s in store for him once I’m gone, but all I know is that he wants this, I want him, and I want him to be himself for as long as possible, because Sawyer’s true self is the reason I feel myself falling in love with him. He’ll just never know that. This seemed like our best solution, and I want to show Sawyer my enthusiasm for his plan.
“Deal?”
Sawyer pulls himself away and holds his hand out, making this seem like an official business meeting between a boss and his colleague.
He can be so cute, and what I’m about to do would totally get me fired.
I roll my eyes, followed by a laugh as my hand meets his, mine encasing his delicate and soft hands. I tighten my grip as I pull him towards me once more, his feet stumbling over themselves as he catches himself around my neck. His emerald eyes meet mine over his glasses as I crane my neck down and my lips clash with his, a muffled whimper leaving his lips and causing a searing heat to spread all over my skin. I pull us apart briefly as Sawyer catches his breath.
“Deal, my love. Now hold on.”
I thoroughly enjoy watching Sawyer’s tanned complexion turn scarlet as he struggles to string any sort of sentence together. A smirk plasters my face as my hands trail from his waist, to his behind, to the back of his thighs as I grab him by his linen trousers and pull his entire body weight up, wrapping his thighs around my waist as he crosses his ankles behind me. He weighs practically nothing compared to the days of lugging around performance equipment, making it so much easier to carry him to the counter as he hides away in my neck, his lips taunting my skin, even if he doesn’t realise it.
As soon as he makes contact with the counter, his thighs relax around my hips and his hands can’t figure out if they want to knot themselves into my hair, trace every prominent feature I have on show, or just to rest them on what seems to be his favourite place – my chest.
He makes it obvious how badly he wants to kiss me again, as he forces our lips together, his bottom lip settling nicely between mine and I tease him consistently with bites and licks which make him grow hungrier. I have no plan, no motive for where we could go from here, if Sawyer wants to go anywhere else from here. But all I know is that if we’re agreeing to three visits left together, then I desperately want him to use me for whatever he wants, if it means he can explore as much as possible of his true, real, authentic self before God knows what future is in store for him.
Sawyer’s hands settle on my chest while his tongue dances with mine. Muffled, subdued whimpers escape his mouth and into mine as his touch begins to travel upwards, and his fingers begin fiddling with my top button. He wrestles with two more buttons before pulling away, his mouth hanging open slightly as he steals his warm breath back.
“Avory, is this okay?”
He signals to rest of my shirt buttons, and then to my exposed neck and beginning of my chest.
A low chuckle rises from my throat. “Of course it is, Sawyer.”
His blush returns and spreads across his cheek and down his neck.
“And are you okay with my hands on you? Touching your bare skin?”
His head cocks to the side ever so slightly, and if I have to remember Sawyer in one way, it would be this way – a slightly sweaty, blushing, and genuinely smiling Sawyer. I lean my head to his side as I plant a kiss on his neck, causing his neck to tense and a shallow pant to escape his lips.
“Yes Sawyer, and are you okay with more of this? With more of my hands on you?”
“Yes, please Avory.”
My smile rests on his skin for a moment before I begin to trail gentle kisses against his caramel, freckled skin, hearing him resist to let his hums and whimpers escape but he slowly gives in, his harmony being the most gorgeous sound I have ever heard. His fingers fight with the flimsy plastic buttons on my shirt as he slowly frees them all and he begins to peel my shirt off my damp shoulders from the sheer heat.
“Just so you know, you look incredible in button ups.”
“Even in times like these, you’re still as polite as ever.”
Sawyer rolls his eyes and scoffs jokingly before I continue on his neck and earlobe with more desperation than before. One spot in particular, just below where the collar of his shirt sits, makes Sawyer’s thighs tighten around my hips, and I noticed a rise in his trousers which begins to press against me. The feeling is most definitely mutual, and I wonder if he notices as he throws my shirt behind him and onto the counter floor.
His hands explore my build from my chest to my abs, across the defined V-line and trail of dark hairs which lead into my ripped jeans, in and around every dip and curve. His touch is soft, slow, teasing, as if he’s trying to remember every part of me and fulfil his words of never forgetting me.
“Avory, you’re so unbelievably gorgeous.”
Sawyer struggles to let his words escape between his breaths and whimpers, and he’s definitely driving me crazy. I hum into his skin in response as I begin to slowly nip and suck on his warm skin. Blood begins to prickle at the surface, creating an array of maroon and violet splashes while Sawyer’s grip tightens against me, a sweet moan escaping his lips. Fuck, he sounds so goddamn beautiful.
“A-Avory.”
Shit, now he’s saying my name? He really knows how to cause my entire body to burn with desperation and need for him. As I continue making my way across his tender skin, his hands make their way to my belt buckle, and as he tugs and pulls to release it, I could collapse right here, right now. I peel myself from him for however many seconds it takes to ask him.
“S-Sawyer, are you sure? We haven’t spoken about this before, have you ever—”
I speak in between our shared kisses, until the familiar bang of the fire exit door interrupts us, echoing across the café.