Thirty-Three
Sawyer
The previous day
Walking away from Avory, from Pick and Strings, from the most incredible and honest night I’ve ever experienced is near impossible. An invisible string ties us together, chest to chest, and it tugs, tightens, sears through every barrier I have ever erected and makes it painfully difficult to leave him behind.
His words, “Please come with us,”
repeat in my mind continuously, overlapping each other until the entirety of my thoughts are buried in Avory’s voice.
His words. The chance to spend a life with him, because I can see that becoming our reality. I had to muzzle my mouth when he said those fated four words. I could’ve shouted, screamed in acceptance, and then never have left his side, but even after taking so many steps forward, and having finally accepted so much of myself which I had forgotten about, she continues to linger in the furthest parts of my mind.
Without her, I have no family. None by blood. She is the only chance I have left with the family tree, yet she has always been so ready to sever my branch solely because of my identity. Not only her, but Tetherton itself, Gwen and Xander, these are all the aspects of my life which raised me. Am I even proud of the person I’ve become? Do I even know who Sawyer Sombre is anymore?
I am, and I do when I’m with him.
I snap my mind back into my reality as I turn the handle of the Sweet’s front door. As I appear, already mentally preparing myself for a barrage of excitement since I’m wearing Avory’s clothes and returning from an unplanned night at his, Gwen and Xander instantly pause their delicious show and peer around to the front door. I’m surprised Gwen’s coffee mug doesn’t smash with the force she places it with as she squeals her way to me, wrapping her arms around me and complimenting how I—Avory, smells. He always smells delicious.
Xander appears behind Gwen, his arms wrapping around the both of us briefly before sliding by and into the kitchen, the whistling of the kettle serving a battle to Gwen when it comes to screaming.
Xander slowly begins to slide over mugs of coffee and a selection of Gwen’s syrups as her voice sings, “Tell. Us. Everything! Did you guys talk? Want to tell us what you did, or should I say, who you did?”
In unison, Xander and I cough into our coffees, Xander drenching his white vest shirt in dark brown drips while I manage to avoid ruining Avory’s scent.
“Gwen! Give the boy a minute, will you?”
he laughs as he strips his shirt, throws it into their machine and leaves for his bedroom momentarily.
Bread making must be the new gym routine judging by how sculpted Xander has gotten.
“Answer my questions, hun! I must know!”
Gwen tucks her legs to her chest, sinks her body into the sofa and her eyes, filled with anticipation, never leave mine. Xander sits himself on a small ottoman opposite us, coffee in hand, and between my head in my hands and hiding in Avory’s hoodie by tightening the hood around my head, Gwen and Xander learn everything up until Avory’s question.
Well, not everything. I did not feel it necessary to tell them how Avory made me feel overwhelmingly amazing while also turning me into an absolute mess which he had to clean up.
“You know what’s really sweet?”
Xander’s voice perks up from the silence he maintained throughout my rambling, unlike his sister. “You haven’t stopped smiling the entire time that you’ve spoken about Avory, or anything to do with him for that matter.”
Xander sips his coffee with a grin hiding behind the rim of his mug, and Gwen’s giggling heightens once again, her legs now kicked out over mine. I can’t help that he makes my heart boom from my chest like the first load of fireworks on New Year’s Eve, my mind now sparks with once forbidden thoughts as bright as the first strike of a sparkler at midnight, my body positively melts to his touch like sorbet on the hottest summer’s day.
“So, is that it? I love that for you guys, but you got busy and then just, accepted to go separate ways?”
I struggle to hold back my grin as those four words continue to play in my mind. Please, come with us. As the bliss of the past twenty-four hours washes over my body, that same distant fear that my mother installed in me begins to slowly creep back into my chest, turning his comforting warmth into an uncomfortable burning.
Gwen shuffles herself closer to me, grasping my hand in hers while Xander sits himself forward, his eyes swiping between myself and Gwen, searching for an answer to the sudden panic rushing across my face.
“Hey hun, what’s wrong? What happened? Just breathe, count with me.”
We count my freckles dotting the back of my hand, we breathe in together, hold it together, breathe out together. We repeat this over and over until I can breathe on my own.
The Sweet siblings remain silent while my eyes close, and with one last exhale, my voice trembles out the words, “Please, come with us. That’s what he asked me.”
Silence remains in the flat as my eyes slowly peel open, Gwen’s painted eyes and Xander’s dark chocolate eyes both widen, darting between themselves.
“Sawyer? Are we okay to be loud?”
I nod to them both as Gwen leaps off the sofa and throws herself into Xander’s arms, Xander spinning her once around the room before she bounces back onto the sofa next to me.
“Babe, that’s amazing! You can finally go and start a life which you were meant for, which is truly yours.”
Xander agrees with Gwen and both siblings continue to smother me in nothing but reassurance and acceptance of this change.
“But what about you guys? I’m leaving you guys here, and I’ll miss you both so much.”
“We can see you whenever! I’m going to miss you so goddamn much Sawyer but knowing you could be out there doing everything that you’ve dreamt of.”
“But what about my mother, and the café? Those were my life; the reason I left my bed in the mornings.”
Gwen stumbles over her words, beginning sentences and then suddenly stopping before being cut off by a deeper voice.
“You see? Those were your life. Not anymore. She has made it crystal clear to you that you will never be good enough for her, when in reality, you are far too good for her, and she has pushed you far past your limit. So far in fact, that you forgot who Sawyer was and is.”
Every one of Xander’s words ache in my chest, because a part of me understands everything he’s saying. He’s right. To think that only a couple of months ago, I would have defended her with my life, as if it would have ever changed how she felt about me.
“If we want to see you, we can come to you! If she wants to see you, then that will be on your terms, when you are ready, if you ever want to be ready. She can wait for your acceptance now.”
She can wait for my acceptance now. That is something that I never thought was possible.
“Are you both sure? You guys are like my family.”
My voice shakes within my throat, the tremble spreading to my palms and then to my eyelids as tears begin to form.
Escape, freedom has never been an option. This painful cycle that I consistently dragged myself through, that I was somehow content with surrendering to for her acceptance. Finished.
“We aren’t like your family, Sawyer, we are family, and you’ll always be our family.”
Gwen’s hands wrap around mine again as Xander’s words engrave themselves into my mind and onto my heart. A sombre silence lingers in the air for minutes, the decision finally sinking in.
“Does this mean that you’re leaving tomorrow?”
Gwen asks, her head tilting and her hair cascading down her arm.
I nod to her question, and she pulls Xander’s arm close from across the table, peering at his watch.
“Well, it’s five o’clock somewhere! Come on! We’re celebrating the new Sawyer!”
Gwen promptly drags me to my feet, Xander following shortly behind as he grabs a plaid jacket and throws one of his oversized zip ups to Gwen.
“The breeze is cold, at least wrap up, please?”
Gwen rolls her eyes before smiling at him and throwing the dark grey fabric over her shoulders, Xander’s cologne now filling the air. I take a moment to bury my nose into the neck of Avory’s hoodie, and I can’t stop the smile which presses against the fabric.
The three of us tumble out of the flat, into the company van, and into the local stores by Gwen’s demand to collect a soon to be fuzzy evening’s worth of brightly coloured bottles with even flashier labels.
Every part of my body cries in aches and pains as I find myself contorted on the Sweet’s sofa. My neck aching, I roll it forward and away from the sofa arm which I seem to have fallen asleep against. The room is far too bright for my eyes to open, and as the throbbing pains begins to spread to my head, I can feel my glasses digging into my nose while my body remains full clothed in Avory’s attire. As I try with all the little strength I hold to sit myself up, my body finds itself pinned to the sofa by something of a similar size as myself, however my attempt to move causes the weight to stir and attempt to talk.
“Hmm, babe please… five more minutes.”
Gwen. Her voice slurs as her head rests itself against my chest, her hair splayed across my neck and collarbones. She has fallen asleep completely on top of me, and while I’m still trying to piece together what on earth happened in the Sweet’s flat last night, a banging of a door behind followed by abrupt footsteps causes my head to ache that much more.
“Ugh, Xander! Please! I’m dying here!”
She pulls herself up and onto her elbows as she shouts, but her eyes remain shut as mine finally peel open.
How the hell did her eyeliner even survive whatever happened here last night? To my left, two tanned legs in khaki chino shorts appear, and as I follow up the figure, past a monochrome flannel shirt, Xander’s eyes meet mine after rolling at the state of his sister.
“Sawyer, what time is Avory leaving this morning?”
As the direct tone of his voice vibrates within my skull, I begin to think about his question. Why is thinking so goddamn hard? I need to sit up. I gently rest Gwen on her side as I peel myself from the sofa and sit up.
“What happened last night, Xan?”
I rub my face with my palms, my glasses pushing against my forehead.
“Well, we all got absolutely hammered, and seemingly forgot that you are making a monumental change to your life today! Gwen said you guys were heading to bed shortly after me, but that clearly didn’t work out, huh?”
He signals to Gwen as her body spreads practically lifeless across the sofa. Shit. Shit, shit! I don’t even remember telling Avory about my decision, we rushed out of the door and that’s the last thing I remember.
My phone, where is it?
I bring myself to my feet and in front of Xander, forgetting how small I am in height and build compared to him, and begin to scan across the room, the side tables, and the TV unit. Xander helps, and I eventually find it face down under the coffee table, and of course, it’s completely dead. My eyes float across the walls and land on a clock with roman numerals littering the edges. This is the completely wrong time for me to struggle to tell the time as each number feels as if it’s blending into one another. After blinking hard a few times, I finally figure it out.
“Nine forty-five, it’s nine forty-five. They’re leaving at ten. Shit!”
The sheer volume of my curse forces Gwen to stir enough which wakes her up.
“What’s up, you two? Can’t a girl suffer in peace?”
Her hair curtains her face as she brings herself to sit up.
“Sawyer, grab your bags from Gwen’s room! A spare toothbrush, hairbrush and painkillers are all in the bathroom. Use them, trust me!”
I nod to Xander as my wobbling legs carry me as quickly as they physically can throughout the flat, from room to room. Xander speaks to the grumbling Gwen who struggles to rise from the sofa, but we eventually crash into each other in the bathroom as we both rake our hair into something somewhat presentable and brush the lingering alcohol taste away from our mouths.
My mind races faster than my baby deerlike legs for the entirety of the morning. I could lose Avory, my Avory, over a drunken night, my first and only drunken night if they all feel like this afterwards. The man that taught me so much, that made me realise so much, that made me feel so much more than I thought I could ever feel.
Losing him is not an option.
By the time Xander is ushering us out of the door, the van keys clinking in his hand as we race down the stairs and to the van, the fear of losing Avory claws from my chest and now, throughout my entire body. Everything burns while simultaneously feeling numb. Gwen’s hand never leaves mine as we all pile into the van.
“If I have a rough idea as to where they’re heading, then I know how to cut them off.”
Xander leans down the middle of the front seats as he reverses out of the lane and speeds the van towards the high street.
I’m not losing you, Avory Bright.