22. Chapter 21
Chapter 21
James
T he sun setting casts all kinds of shadows over the front garden. I feel like I’ve been in a weird state since she left yesterday like a tidal wave. Pulling in, saying shit I didn’t want to hear, and leaving the wreckage of me behind.
Why would I do that?
I bury my head in my hands.
God, why would I ask her to go with me to my mum's wedding, I don’t even want to go.
But she was sitting here looking at me with these eyes that I’m sure could cut right through me and she was talking about her dad with me. It’s like she trusted me, maybe, just a little. As if I wasn’t some sort of monster she’d built up in her head. I don’t know why that means something to me, why it means so much to me that she’d talk to me like that, but I know I liked it. And I’m starting to realise that there's a lot about my feelings towards Katherine that I don’t and won't ever understand.
But it felt like we were real people for a change, not the people we both put out into the world. Not the people we let other people see but the real thing; the real people that we see when we look in the mirror. And I liked what I saw of her today, and it kills me that I can’t know if she thought the same .
She was saying all that stuff about regrets and it just slipped out. After seeing her the way I did the other night, even after everything, even the kiss, that was the first time I really knew I couldn’t hate her. I couldn’t possibly. I wasn’t lying when I told her I never did, seeing her like that made me realise I’d just been lying to myself.
I’m such an idiot, my inner voice reminds me, and for once I can’t really disagree.
Went I back into the house yesterday after she left and Dad threw about a hundred questions at me. Who’s she? She’s pretty, James, do you like her? She came to check on you. I wanted to scream a little.
She didn’t even say yes, it’s been just over twenty four hours and you’d think it’d been weeks the way my brain is making me spiral. Which should definitely not bother me as much as it does. To make matters worse, Ella gave me another day off and I know Katherine would have been working today. I can’t help thinking of wanting to see her. Just to be near her again, to smell her personal mix of sweet vanilla and flowers.
Actually maybe it’s better to not see her until she tells me a definite no. Then I’ll know, I’ll have my answer when it comes to her.
Sitting on the porch, on the bench—I can’t stop my mind from thinking about how it felt to see her standing there in my doorway. I thought I was imagining it. I thought the stress had finally gotten to me and I was hallucinating a beautiful woman standing at my door.
God, she looked stunning. I haven’t been able to have an intelligent thought since she left. I’m waiting for someone to come wake me up. She was in her work top and a pair of shorts. Dear lord, what if she says yes and I have to see her all dressed up? I’ll go into cardiac arrest.
The question I keep coming back to is why would she want to check on me? I’d like to think I know the answer, that maybe it’s the same reason I would go and check on her, but it won’t be .
It can’t be because her chest gets tight when she’s around me like mine does, or because she can’t stop but wonder about me when I’m not around like I do with her. And it can’t be because she cares no matter what she said when she was here, and I don’t like the way that stings.
I’m not like this, I’m not. I don’t get hung up on girls like this, ever. Since my mum left, I just decided that love wasn’t worth it, because god forbid the person you love finds their soulmate and runs off into the sunset like you never existed. I can’t even tell you where my soul stone is. I packed it away somewhere the second mum was out of the house, swearing off the whole thing for the rest of my life.
Why I’m thinking about it now, I honestly don’t even know, because it truly doesn't matter. Because I’ll never be in love, never give myself over to another person, never give them so much power over me like that.
But then in comes little Miss American Sunshine and all of my sanity seems to have disappeared. I must be having some kind of quarter life crisis.
I can hear the TV inside through the window next to me, Dad shouting at some show he’s too drunk to understand, or remember. This is my life, and she is meant for so much more. Katherine is beautiful and smart and like a soul out of time. There’s so much more to her, parts I’m not sure I’ll ever get to see or know.
And I am, me. I’m a closed off asshole because I don’t want anyone else to have to deal with this and that’s my choice, my decision. I don’t need a soulmate like she does. She needs it like she needs air or water. She needs to believe in something bigger and better than what she sees and I don’t. I know what the world has in store for me.
I know the world, and I know how real it is and can be. I can’t let myself fall into the fantasy of her, it’s not fair .
Because she’ll find her soulmate, I know she will. She’s determined and stubborn. Nothing will stand in her way, no one would change her mind.
I have no doubt that girl will find what she’s looking for, I just know it’s not me. No matter how much I might want or like it to be.
Okay, too far!
Just as I’ve decided I need to call her and say I take it back, that she doesn’t have to come with me, because I’m not going to go and taking her will just complicate everything even more by it basically being a date, my phone rings. The screen lights up and her name is right there in black and white.
“Hey.” I’m trying to sound as casual as possible, it’s actually painful.
“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t call sooner,” she pauses and I suck in all of the air left in my body, anticipating what she has to say. “I’ll come with you to the wedding.” Another pause. “If you still want me to, of course?”
No , is what I should say, it’s the smart thing to do, but as we’ve found out lately I’ve not been very smart since she came along. Instead, I finally let myself breathe and respond with, “Of course, Katherine. It’s only a week away though?” I actually almost want her to change her mind because then it wasn’t me, it was her, I’m not sure if I can actually keep it together going with her.
“Yeah, that’ll be fine, I’ll talk to Ella tonight. Text me the details and stuff,” she says, like she doesn’t see the danger in the agreement she’s walking into. Or am I the only one with these feelings? Am I the only one who can’t keep my mind off her? Does the idea of dancing with me not fill her with dread and also set every nerve on fire?
I feel like the path I’m letting myself walk down is only going to lead to some kind of hurt and yet I think I might be too far down it to turn back.