27. Chapter 26
Chapter 26
Katherine
S at around one of the round tables at the edge of the dance floor, I watch as the two little flower girls hold each other's hands as they spin around the floor. Careless and totally free.
The rest of the reception went by pretty seamlessly with Christina and Lee sitting at the head table by themselves. James didn’t have to speak to his mom again which I think he was happy about. I’m not sorry for leaving him alone with her. The only way he was ever going to know if he could talk to her was to just do it.
He didn’t seem to hate me after, apart from the kinda threatening me part. But then he looked at me like he wanted to make out—but then didn’t. And I totally haven’t been thinking about it since.
Okay, that’s a lie. I can't stop looking at his mouth every time he talks. It's awful.
We sat at the table with his nan, which I was definitely happy about, as she told stories about James when he was a kid, information I would not have gotten otherwise.
“Oh, when James was a kid we could never get him out the sea, I was sure he was going to sprout a tail and swim away. That boy was made for the water the minute he met it.” Her eyes all glassy and full of the past, I can’t even begin to imagine what all of this has been like for her, loving her daughter and her grandson but also understanding the hurt one brought to the other .
It feels like only now, being around James and his mom, that I’m realizing the hurt and pain that soulmates can also bring, not just the love aspect of it all. I just always thought that much love could never bring any bad with it, I’d only seen the happiness it brought people. I’d seen how happy my mom and dad made each other. But as I sit there looking at him, my thoughts float back to the stone in my purse and how it not glowing is bringing me pain even if I don’t completely understand it. I don’t understand why I’m so angry or upset but I am, and I never thought my soul stone could make me feel like this. Even when I learned that Nick and I weren’t soulmates, I didn’t feel this way.
This was not what I had expected, any of it. I don’t know what I thought would happen but none of this was even in my wildest dreams.
My mind snaps back to the present when he turns and smiles at me.
James has taken his jacket off now and I’m reminded once again of how the size of his arms makes me feel. The fabric of his shirt wraps tightly around his biceps and it looks like it might rip as he brings his glass up to his lips. His sleeves rolled up show off his tan, tattooed forearms, I can’t help looking at them.
My eyes travel up his arm to the glass he's holding and then where it connects to his lips. It’s actually criminal how many times a day I remember our kiss. I wish I didn't, it would be easier, but every time I look at him I see his hands on me and his lips locked to mine.
I have to stop myself from looking before I get lost in the sight of him, or before he notices I’m looking, but it’s too late.
“Eyes up here, Katherine,” he tells me, putting a finger under my chin and lifting my head up to look at his face. What a face it is and when did he get so close?
The fairy lights hanging in the trees behind him make him look like he's glowing, like some godly present sent down to grace me with his chiselled cheek bones, full lips, and muscular body.
Someone needs to cut me off, or I’m about to kiss him.
The first one seems like a better idea even if the latter is what I really want, but it’s too dangerous.
“What is it?” he asks and I realise we’re literally sitting so close with his hand under my chin. The skin where he’s touching me feels warmer than it should, like my body is actively telling me I should want this. It doesn’t need to remind me, my mind is doing a pretty good job of that all on its own. Painting a picture of what it would be like to kiss him here, his lips crushing down on mine, my hands back in his hair. The way he’d sigh when my body was finally pressed to his.
My eyes shift over to the people on the other side of the table and the ladies smiling at us.
We look like a couple.
My heart literally stops knowing that will never be possible.
“Dance with me?” I ask only to get out of this current situation. His eyebrows knit together before he stands and extends his hand to me. I take it and he leads me to the dance floor, only for me to finally see I’ve gone from the kiddie pool to the literal shark tank. And also the fact that I’m a lot more unstable on my feet than I thought I’d be.
Dancing together… who thought that was a good idea?
The DJ’s been playing upbeat songs for the last twenty minutes only for him to change his mind the minute I step a toe on the dance floor.
I see you, Universe. I see you.
There is absolutely nothing I can do now as he snakes his arm around my waist, resting his hand on my hip, and his other hand still holding mine. This much contact should be setting me on fire, literally, and I’m not sure if it’s because of the amount we’ve touched today but it’s down to a nice warm feeling rather than a skin melting feeling. It’s comforting and makes my stomach churn all at the same time.
I know he’s not my soulmate, and yet today has me even more confused than before I knew that fact. The way he’s found any excuse to hold my hand, and the way I keep catching him looking at me. Everything tells me I could do this again, spend time with him. It makes my soul happy in a way I’m not sure I’ve experienced before. Just being around him makes me feel happy, safe, calm. I like it, I like the feeling. I’m not sure I’ve felt all those things at the same time in a long while.
He looks down at my neck, then back at me again, smiling. It’s not the same cocky grin he sports so much, but a real smile. He opens his mouth like he’s going to say something but then closes it again. We sway to the music and he spins me around, bringing me back by putting both his hands on my hips leaving me no where to put my arms but around his neck. Our bodies touch at every point possible. Mine melts into every crevice of his muscles.
He smells incredible this close up, intoxicating, like sea salt and honey. I close my eyes for a second just to let myself pretend, just for tonight. Tomorrow I’ll go back to sanity and I’ll forget about this, whatever this is. But tonight I want to pretend, to live in this world, in this moment where we can do this without everything else getting in the way of us.
I don’t think I’ve done that in such a long time, I almost forgot what it felt like to just be. I slowly open my eyes to find him already looking at me. “What?” My voice comes out cracked, I’m afraid it gives me away.
If it does, he doesn’t say anything about it. He looks at me like he’s finally seeing me in a new light .
“I haven’t seen you without that necklace since I gave it to you,” he tells me, but I don’t register a single thing he says because for a minute I feel like all the characters I read about. It’s something about the look on his face, the way he looks at me like I really am his sunshine, and for this moment I feel like I could be. I never felt so important to someone just from one look.
The twinkling lights behind him, the other couples dancing around us fade away. His hand squeezes my hip lightly as if just to remind me it’s really him, that he is in fact standing, swaying, with me. It’s all too much and I’m sure my legs are going to give up on me, all my senses are over loading.
“Thank you,” I say just to try and get something out so he doesn’t think I’ve lost all my brain cells. Then, as I look at him, it clicks together and he just smiles at me. “Wait, you got me this?”
He simply nods his head, a small bit of his hair falling from behind his ear tickles my face, I move it out of his face running my fingers through his hair. Then I’m thinking about how different this all feels. This doesn't feel like when we kissed and his hands were on me, this feels different. This time I have time to take in the way his breath on my face makes my mind foggy and the way I can see tiny specks of green in his eyes.
It takes me a minute before I can think again.
“I had no idea. I’ve—I’ve been trying to work out who got it for me for weeks.” My brain stalls trying to think back to my birthday. “Why didn’t you say anything?”
He lets out a small laugh. “I didn’t think you’d want it if I told you I got it for you,” he tells me truthfully.
Then we’re doing it again. We’re just looking at each other and I don’t think I know what else to do .
I can’t imagine ever feeling this way again. But he’s not my soulmate, the fact that I can feel this way with someone and them not be ‘the one’ makes me a little sick.
Just for tonight, pretend it’s okay.
My brain goes into full dumb mode and I say the first thing that comes to mind. “Humpback whales are my favourite.”
“I know.” He doesn’t even miss a beat, doesn’t even stutter as he totally confesses to paying far too much attention to the things I’ve said.
“Right. It’s beautiful, I’m happy I can finally thank someone for it, so thank you.” My instinct is to touch it like I would with my stone, but I don’t want to break the bubble. I don’t want to move. I’m scared once he lets go of me that’ll be the end of it, that I’ll sink away from him, never to come back up for air.
I don’t know why but I rest my head on his chest. It’s the most bizarre and most natural thing I’ve ever done. James' body goes stiff for a split second and I want to lift it again but then he relaxes. I swear I hear his heartbeat pick up.
I move my hand up into his hair and twist my fingers in the strands, and in response, he rests his chin on my head. It’s the smallest gesture but it makes me feel safe in a way I’m not sure I’ve ever felt.
What am I doing?!
This is dangerous territory. I’m in danger. I can pretend as much as I want with my brain but I can’t let my heart start to pretend as well. I can make my brain understand that this isn’t real, but my heart? That’s tricky, I don’t think I can rewire it the same way I can my mind.
I don’t budge from his grip, not that I’m sure he’d let me at this point.
As the song comes to an end and more people walk on to the make-shift dance floor in the middle of the grass. I drop my hands, then his fall from my hips, only to grab one of my hands hanging at my side.
“Do you want to go for a walk?” he asks, tilting his head towards the steps down to the beach.
I nod at him. I’m not sure why, this seems like a bad idea. That’s a lie, I totally know why.
Why do I keep doing this?
As he leads me down the wooden steps, I don’t look where I’m going, though I should. Instead, I just watch the way he walks while he keeps my hand in his. We hit sand, still warm beneath my feet, but then I feel sick. It’s not my usual brand of anxiety I’m feeling.
I’ve been alone with him before, in the shop, outside his house. Hell, I was just dancing with him, but only now does it hit me.
I feel nervous being alone with him. The feeling in my stomach is a ‘worried you’re going to say something wrong’ kind of sickness. When you like someone so much and don’t want to fuck it up.
As if he can read my thoughts, he says, “I’ve never known you to be so quiet.”
“Sorry.” I finally slip my hand from his, big mistake, because I wobble on the uneven sand and rocks. I don’t take his hand again though and it makes me feel cold. But it does unfog my brain. “It’s just a beautiful night, I don’t think I’ve been to the beach at night since I got here. I want to see the sunset from Stargaze Perch Lighthouse. It's on my list.”
“You have a list? Why am I not surprised.” He lets out a little laugh before his face turns back to mine. “Well maybe we could do that. Together, I mean.” He scratches the back on his neck looking away from me, I can only imagine he’s realised how that sounds.
“Yeah, maybe.” I smile to myself, it’s a weird mix of feelings thinking about it. We’re making new plans with each other before tonight is even over, like he can’t wait to spend more time with me. I’d be excited if today hadn’t shown me that it’s a bad idea to even consider getting closer to him.
“It’s my favourite time,” he tells me, bringing me back to the moment. “The beach at night. When I was a kid and things weren’t great, I’d go down and walk along the beach just to clear my head.” He looks at me like he’s just spilled the codes to some secret detonation, but regardless, it’s nice having an actual conversation.
The more I know about him, the more he seems like a real person. A real person you would like and could maybe even love.
Then I find myself spilling my own secret codes. “I get that. When I lost my dad at first, I’d get the boat to the Statue of Liberty and just stay there all day. Looking at the city from the outside, looking at tourists who had come from all over the place, it let me stop feeling like myself for a minute, like I could pretend to be one of those tourists, it sounds silly, but…”
“No, it doesn’t,” he interrupts me and I can see his smile even in the dim light. It sounds weird but I know that he actually gets it in a way, maybe not the same way but in his own way he does. “When your…” he starts and stops himself. We’ve walked a ways down the beach without me even realising and he stops completely.
He looks up over the hill back to the house, and when he looks back at me, it’s like his eyes are asking me to leave with him. Then it’s gone and it’s replaced by something I’m familiar with, something I don’t want to see from him, pity. And I’m worried he’s about to ask me something about my dad, so I jump ahead of it before his question can catch me off guard.
“He was the best man I knew,” I start taking his hand back in mine, swinging it a little for no reason. “My dad was.” I let out a sigh looking at the sea behind James. “He would have loved this, he loved an adventure. Running off to places he’d never been. Ella was the wild child, he said, but I think he had a bit of that in him too. Sadly he didn’t give me any of that,” I finish and look back up at him and he’s already looking at me.
“I don’t know about that, you don’t think he would have called what you’re doing an adventure?” he asks and it’s the first time he’s talking about me coming to Australia without insulting me at the same time.
“Honestly?” He looks at me like obviously . “I think he’d actually be kinda disappointed.” He slides his hand up my arm but doesn’t say anything. “He wasn’t really into the whole soulmate thing, that all comes from my mom’s side of the family. I guess he was kinda like your mom, he was married when he met my mom. His marriage broke down on its own, my mom stayed far away from him until he was divorced. Depending what side of the story you’re on, it wasn’t a fairytale.”
“Is that why you’re so determined to find yours?” he asks slowly like he’s just worked something out.
“What do you mean?” I ask, just wondering if he will, even with everything, get it.
“Well… I guess it’s just if he didn’t meet your mum till late, and then, well, five years ago…” The carefulness in his voice almost brings tears to my eyes. “I’m just saying it makes sense if that’s why you want to find yours so much, have more time with them.”
He’s right. So right it hurts my insides, because if he didn’t just hit the nail on the head, I’d do this ‘thing’ between us for longer. I’d stay and spend time with him, if that’s what he wanted and find my soulmate later whenever this thing stopped working but I just can’t. I can’t bring myself to do that to myself, not when I know time is fleeting and special. “We never know how much time we’ll get,” is all I say.
It dawns on me that no one has even understood that before, no one has ever got why I want this so early. Everyone thinks I’m stupid and too young but he might just actually get it. He might actually understand me.
“There’s something else.” He looks at me so hard I think he can see right into my soul.
“There is?” I play with the silver ring he’s wearing on his middle finger.
“Yeah, I don’t know but there’s something else in your eyes when you say that. Like that’s not the whole story.” He waits a second when I don’t answer because that is it, the whole story.
“I… That’s… shit.” I feel my heart become heavy in my chest. “I guess… I’m kinda scared that if someone’s not cosmically forced to be with me then they’ll leave.” I haven’t thought that in such a long time, not since my lowest points. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I can be a lot.” I laugh, but it’s that laugh you do when it’s not funny and you actually want to cry.
“Yeah, you’re a lot.” My eyebrows rise. “A lot of everything, you’re the kind of person who puts a lot into everything, you’re not a half in, half out person, Katherine. You give everyone everything. If anyone ever makes you feel like you're too much, they’re not worth your everything, because your everything makes people feel special.” I’d kiss him if I wasn’t in shock. He looks over my face and I watch as his cheeks go red. “Do you think he’d like me?” he asks and it catches me off guard.
I can’t even address everything else he’s just said. “Oh, absolutely not,” I say sarcastically, laughing, and he laughs with me. “Yes, annoyingly so. I think he would have liked you. My mom on the other hand, I’m more like her, so she’ll hate you.” I laugh again but he’s not, I don’t know why I said that, like he’s going to meet her, why would he? My mouth moves before my brain thinks and I say, “However I turned out liking you a lot more than I originally planned.” It’s the only kind of confession I’m able to give and I don’t know why I feel the overwhelming need to tell him something.
We’re just looking at each other again. It’s a game I’m not sure how to play, or win or lose. Then in a second it’s like he remembers who we are. Where he is. Who I am and who he is and why he shouldn’t be looking at me the way he is. The way I’m looking at him.
“We should probably go back,” he says, and he’s right but I don’t want him to be.
I want to stay here on this beach and pretend nothing else exists. If the rest of the world didn’t have a say, I’d probably live right here if I could, in this moment. If not with him, then just in this feeling I have, as if for the first time in a long time someone sees me.
I nod and turn, walking back up towards the wooden stairs. His hand is still intertwined with mine as we walk.
James’ fingers brush against mine, then slip away completely. A shiver races down my spine, throwing me out of kilter completely.
Reaching for the first step, my foot snags on something hidden in the dark. The world tilts sideways and a yelp escapes me before I can stop it. In a blur of movement, James’ hand shoots out to catch me, so strong and warm. But it’s not enough. I crash down on the wooden steps, the force sending a shot of pain up my legs.
I see it all happen like I’m watching it from above my own body. James kneels beside me, his face creased with worry. “Jesus, Katherine, are you okay?” he asks, his voice tight with concern.
My breath is lodged in my throat. Embarrassment burns in my cheeks, hotter than the pain searing my palms. Slowly, my limbs start to feel like my own again, the throbbing in my legs very real but not nearly as bad as my initial panic has me thinking.
“You’re bleeding,” he tells me as if I can’t already tell. He also sounds shocked, and he looks it too which seems somewhat out of character for him. There’s also something in his eyes, worry maybe? I let myself think for a second it’s not there but it is.“Are you okay?” he asks again, because I realize I haven't said anything. I nod my head, giving him a smile. His hand is on my bare shoulder looking over my face, and the way he rubs his thumb back and forth, I almost forget about the stinging in my knees.
“I don’t think I can climb the stairs.” I laugh a little. He doesn’t say anything but he links his arm under my knees and the other round my back. I have to fight myself to put my arms around his neck as much as I want to, and god I want to, but we’re already teetering on the edge of danger. And I don’t know if I’m trying to fall over that edge yet.
I realise he’s heading towards the kitchen when we enter the house and a small amount of staff that are left are mingling in the corridor.
“First aid box?” he asks when we reach them. I realise that’s how rude he used to sound when talking to me. For the first time, I start to feel stupid. I look like a little twelve year old being carried and I want nothing more than to be put down as they look at me.
“Under the sink.” A tall slim man with blonde ageing hair says pointing into the grand sized room.
He sets me down on a kitchen counter and turns to look for the kit.
I watch him from my vantage point. The fabric of his shirt stretches more over his back and he rolls his sleeves up more as he digs into the back of the cupboard. He runs a hand through his hair as he walks to me and when it falls back in his face, I smile at him. Because I kinda love how he’s always doing that, like he can’t stop himself. I see him do it all the time in the store, when he’s teaching, I feel like I need to teach him how to put it in a ponytail.
He sets the box down next to me and opens it, looking for something. “This is going to sting,” he tells me, then he rips open a packet of what I can only assume is some kind of antibacterial wipe. I don’t say anything but bite down on my bottom lip as he brings it to my skin.