32. Chapter 31
Chapter 31
Katherine
W hen I wake in the morning, everything south of my waist feels like I’ve been running a marathon.
And yet even with the soreness, I feel the best I have in a while. My chest feels warm and happy. My brain is quiet, and I just had the best night sleep I’ve had in years. Last night was the most connected to another person in that way I’ve ever felt. I'm confused as to why I’m not panicking, why I’m not stressed about it. For some reason, I’m not scared by it.
The confusion I had for him last night is gone and I feel lighter as the clarity sinks into me. I like him. And the only thing I can really think about is when I’ll get to see him again, or when I’ll get to feel his lips on mine, or the next time he’ll make me feel like the only person in the world.
As I roll over into the middle of the bed it’s only then I realise I’m alone.
I’m not surprised he’s gone, but fuck I sure am disappointed.
The things he said to me, the way he looked at me. It was enough to make every part of me come undone under him.
What was I expecting? For him to stay, make breakfast and cuddle in the morning? I’m the one that said it should be a one time thing.
I feel stupid, and then the “non-glowing” stone in my bedside table rolls back into my mind. I need to be smarter, I need to get a grip of these feelings and get back to the reason I’m here. The reason that’ll keep James as far away as humanly possible, even if that's not what I want. Because I can’t let myself get hurt by him.
Pulling myself from bed, my legs only wobble once as I find my discarded shorts from last night, pulling on a sweatshirt just for good measure. The fact that his clothes are gone from my room doesn’t even in the slightest bother me. Not even when I notice the sweatshirt I’ve pulled on is in fact his, I don’t even stand and smell it for a minute.
Walking down the corridor to the kitchen I hear a noise coming from it before I reach it and it’s not Ella, although her voice is mixed in with it too.
There is no way.
Not a chance because if he came out of my room and straight into the kitchen with Ella, I'd kill him. I’ll never stop hearing it from her and I’ll die.
Simply die.
As I round the corner my heart seems to stop and start again, and then stop. All the feelings of being sad that he left seem to wash away as I look at him because the truth is I’m just happy he’s back.
He’s got different clothes on from last night.
The thought of talking to him, even looking at him, makes a lump form in my throat, threatening to choke me.
I must start actually choking cause next thing I know, Ella is rounding the corner towards me.
“Kat, you okay?” Ella asks, coming up to me, hand on my back patting me as she guides me to a stool at the island. It’s so much worse with the way he’s looking at me.
He’s leaning against the island, all gorgeous looking with his elbows on the counter while he holds a mug of what I assume is coffee. God, I need some of that. He turns his head looking me up and down as Ella grabs me a mug too, and his smart-ass smirk only grows bigger and smugger when his gaze lingers on the sweatshirt I have on.
“It was on my floor, don’t look at me like that,” I whisper at him as Ella comes back over.
“James was just telling me about last night,” Ella says. I choke on my coffee, spluttering a little.
I don’t miss his laugh before he talks. “Yeah, just saying what a help you were with my mum and stuff.” His face goes sheepish and he tries to hide it behind his coffee mug but I see it, written all over his beautiful perfect face. My mind shifts to the places he touched last night like I’m watching a movie over in my head. His fingers digging into my hips, his lips wrapped around my nipples, my skin burns everywhere. I feel guilty for thinking about it but I don’t feel guilty that we did it.
I do feel guilty about how I don’t think anyone will be able to read my body like he can, I don’t think I’ll ever have better sex than last night, and that seems like the most bizarre thing in the world. I feel guilty about the fact that I want to change my mind about the whole one time thing. I feel guilty because this isn’t why I’m here, somehow I feel like I’m letting everyone down.
“So, why did you come by?” I ask him, the warm feeling spreading through my body just from being near him wants it to be for me but the smart part of my brain hopes he never looks at me like he did last night again.
“Oh, I asked him over, need his set of keys for Maddie this afternoon.” I’m sure sometimes in the middle of a conversation she leaves and comes back without me noticing. She’s gone again before I can even say anything.
“Right.” It shouldn’t sting at all, yet it does. I’m the one who made it obvious this wasn’t a thing, how hypocritical of me to feel a physical pain in my chest at the thought. “Let me give you this back,” I say to him motioning to his sweatshirt I’m wearing. My tone is much harsher than I want, I can’t be angry at him and after all this at least we can be friends. I don’t have it in me to fight with him any more.
“I could take it back,” he pauses, taking a proper look at me for the first time since I got in the room, “but I’m not sure that’s actually what you want, and it definitely looks better on you.” He finishes his coffee and turns his whole body towards me, pulling my stool so I’m facing him, too. The move is way sexier than it should be. I cross my legs just at the thought of him between them again. The way he looks at me, his eyes now dark, his hair falling around his face, makes me think that he’s ready to ruin me again, and it has my blood running hot.
“Was that some kind of pick up line?” I ask, busying my hands with my mug so I don’t do something stupid with them, like slide them up his t-shirt and touch his chest again. I completely ignore everything else he’s said, because yes, I do want to keep it.
“Nope.” His face shifts a little like he’s thinking about what he wants to say or if he wants to say it or not so I stay silent until he makes up his mind. “You free today?”
“That depends on who’s asking,” I tease, enjoying this moment more than I should.
He moves closer to me, placing a hand on my knee, drawing little circles with his thumb on it. “A yes or no will do, Sunshine.”
“Oh, that is so not becoming a thing, you can’t call me that anywhere else—”
“Except your bedroom, Kat. Got it.”
My eyes widen with surprise and he looks at me weird. “Wait, did you just call me Kat?” I question trying to distract myself from him mentioning any part of last night.
“Yeah, it’s your name, isn’t it?” He laughs a little watching behind me checking that we’re still alone, sliding his hand up my thigh a little more .
It takes my brain a minute to think with his hands on me in this way. “Yeah, but you never call me Kat, only ever Katherine.” I completely ignore the new nickname he seems to have placed on me, even if it’s my new favourite.
“Well, it didn’t seem right.” The tips of his fingers brush under my shorts a little and my brain fogs at the feeling. I told him it was a one time thing but I’m not sure my body was paying attention as I let out an airy sigh.
I grab the front of his t-shirt pulling him down to me a little. “Please elaborate?”
“It’s a nickname right?” I nod my head at him and he brings his lips closer to mine, brushing the corner of my mouth with his. “Well I just feel like they're kinda something people call you when they know you, care about you.” He pulls away from me enough to look over my face completely.
“And you just care?” I ask the way he did outside his house what feels like forever ago now, that seemed to be the start of all this. I shouldn’t be poking the bear, especially when all I really want to do is drag him back to my room.
“Yeah I do, and even though you didn’t ask, I think I know you pretty well, too.” He’s so sure, so steady when he says it, like I shouldn’t question him. My skin heats at the way he looks at me, he doesn't look away from my eyes like he can make me believe it if he looks long enough. I’m not sure how well I’m going to do at staying away from him if he’s going to look at me like that now. “Also, I could tell how much it pissed you off,” he says, smirking at me.
“Fuck you,” I say with a smile.
There’s been a shift in the universe. I think I’m only just now noticing it, the air seems thinner and the sun a bit brighter and I feel lighter. It could be the way he’s looking at me like I’m the only person in the world or the way I know I’m looking back at him but it’s here, a shift. One I don’t think we’ll be able to undo.
“Fine, yes, I’m free,” I finally tell him, leaning back on the stool a little just to put a little more space between the two of us. The space I’m going to have to fight to keep there, when his body seems to pull me to him without trying.
He stands up fully and takes a few steps back away from me. “Great, it’s a date,” he says with a smirk. “I’ll be back at five thirty for you.” Then he walks towards the front door.
“It is not a date!” I shout out after him.
It is not .
I’m not sure how or when this all got so fucking complicated but I need to make it uncomplicated. Boundaries need to be set and lines need to be drawn, to keep this all in one piece. Or maybe to keep me in one piece.
“A date, hey?” Ella says walking back into the kitchen with an arm full of papers and a smug looking smile on her face.
“No,” I tell her, picking up my coffee mug and taking a drink. “Definitely not, we’re just going to hang out,” I tell her, I don’t even know what he has in mind, I should have asked.
“What? Even after he spent the night here?”
I stop moving and breathing altogether. Losing all ability to even think at the knowledge she knows he was here.
“It… He didn’t… It’s definitely not what you think.” All the words seem to fall out of my mouth at the same time and I’m not sure what lie I’m trying to come up with or tell and I’m not sure why.
James is a great guy, I’ve even witnessed it for myself. Ella loves him like a literal son, so I’m not sure why I don’t want her to know. Maybe it’s because if she knows, then it’s real. And if it’s real I fear I may already know how it’s going to end .
“It’s okay, Kat, I was your age once too, you know.” She says it like it’s not still the most embarrassing thing.
Maybe it’s because I don’t want her to think I’ve given up on the reason I came here in the first place and I don’t want her to think I’m messing around with him and that I’m just going to leave him in the dust once I find what I’m looking for.
He knows what this is, he knows why I’m here. He won’t get his feelings hurt. The boy doesn’t believe in soulmates and from what I’ve seen, he doesn’t even believe in relationships. I can’t hurt him if he’s not open enough to hurt, right?
“It’s still not like that, I promise.” I get up from the stool taking the rest of my coffee with me, but I stop in the hallway when I hear her follow me.
“Katherine.” I’m not sure she’s even looked at me like this before, a strange mix between sadness, disappointment and something else that makes my heart squeeze. “I know, Katherine. I should have put it somewhere better, but…”
My stone . The feeling I had at the beginning of yesterday comes rushing back.
“Yeah,” is all I can say over the lump in my throat threatening to choke me. “I guess, I thought maybe—”
She pulls me into an unexpected hug and I feel my eyes start to sting at the feeling. I shouldn’t be this upset over it, I shouldn’t be this disappointed. When he’s near it makes it kinda okay, like even though he’s not really mine, he doesn’t seem to mind playing pretend with me.
Pulling away from me, she puts her hands on my shoulders. “Katherine, I’m going to say something now and just listen to me.” I nod my head. “He is a great guy, a guy who’s been through a lot of shit when it comes to love, or anything for that matter, but I have a feeling he’s already told you all that. I don’t mean this in any particular way but you’d be happy with him, I think.” She sucks in a deep breath like she’s been thinking about this maybe as much as I have. “Soulmates aren’t always what you think they are, but James, he’s exactly what he says he is and I think when you’re around each other, he’s more himself then I’ve seen in a while. And you, well, you’re the best thing to show up for him in a long time. As much as you don’t want to admit it, he is for you, too.” She lets go of me and walks back into the kitchen. I'm too confused and stunned to move.
My heart is in my throat and tears threaten to run down my face, but she’s right—I think. I’m not the same person I was when I got here and he’s not the same person I met on that first day. But I didn’t think for a second that those two things were connected.
I’ve been trying to hide it from her this whole time, and it seems like she’s seen more of what’s going on than I have.
She’s seen the bigger picture, better than I have, stepped a few steps out of the spotlight enough to see the two of us. To see what's really been happening. To see me falling for him before I could see it, and my breath gets stuck as I think maybe she’s seen him falling for me, too.
It’s the first time that I think maybe everyone else has had it right this whole time, that maybe there was someone else out there for me this whole time.
Someone who isn’t my soulmate.
Someone who could be James.