Chapter Seventy-Eight
Sky
F or a moment, I thought I had him. I had him at the altar in a suit. I had him in a porch swing with a cup of tea on a twilight evening. I had him for a long life and then some. But then it deteriorated like an old polaroid in flames, curling in on itself with ruin.
And I watch as my demon sinks under murky waters, my eyes flicking rapidly between his face and his fist that rests on the podium. Don’t press it. I love you. Don’t press it. But I can tell all too coldly which way the scales have tipped, and where the tendons in his hand are leading.
“You reap what you sow,” his voice rings out in finality.
And I squeeze my eyes shut just as he presses the button.
Time speeds up as I fleetingly hope it doesn’t hurt. I imagine my mother, somewhere behind me, and pray it’s quick for her. And Callie too. She’s already so heartbroken. Ruby is going to be pissed. Poor Lana. Poor me. I mourn their lives and mine and hate that my father isn’t here to go down with us.
I’m a little girl again, helping my mother put fun makeup on her neck, skin so purple. I’m a little girl again. I’m a little girl again. Again. Again. I want to ride the merry-go-round again. I don’t like boys. Pink is too girly. Bubbles are fun. Don’t I want to sit on Santa’s lap? I scraped my knee. I’m being such a big girl. Rip off the band-aid Bad. Bad. I’m just a dog. Can we get a puppy? Can we get a cat? Your skirt is too short. Happy birthday to you. Wipe that shit off your face. You’re an embarrassment. Cheer tryouts are on Friday. Friday. Friday. So many Fridays. Do I want to go see a movie on Friday? Go with him. He’s cute. Go with him. Popcorn. Dark. Stay still and it won’t hurt. Stay still and…. It. Won’t. Hurt.
The reel in my mind is spinning out of control, but I stay still so it won’t hurt. I keep my eyes closed. A demon is conjured. Dark hair. Tender touch. Drench me, Angel. Drench me. Vivons avant de mourir. Before we die. We all die eventually. Are you afraid of me, Sky? You seem like a waffle cone girl. Tender. Soft. A lost cause is a lost cause. You forgive me, don’t you, Sky? You would die for me, wouldn’t you? Wouldn’t I? Yes. Yes. We’ll go together. Together. Together. Forever. Fore—
“When I call your name, please come and accept your diploma.”
The headmistress’s voice jolts me, pulls me from the depths, and I peek between my lashes. The world is tilted, spotted around the edges, and I suck in the air I realize I haven’t been breathing.
We’re all still here.
My mouth falls open as I turn and gape. At Callie, at Ruby, at my mother, who smiles back encouragingly.
We’re all still here.
I twist back in my chair and find Cade still on the stage, standing off to the side of his mother, stock still and out of place. His eyes are wide in disbelief, jaw hanging, as he gapes too.
“Oh my god,” I breathe and clamp a hand over my mouth.
They didn’t go off.
Not a single one of them.
“Jessica Anderson,” the headmistress calls as Cade still stands there awkwardly.
Tears spill down my cheeks in relief. It’s over. It’s done. I want to clutch my stomach and laugh as a petite girl steps onto the stage.
“Congratulations,” Dorothy whispers buoyantly as she hands her one of the rolled up diplomas.
It’s not until the girl passes Cade that he seems to wake up, and slowly, ever so slowly, his eyes follow her as she descends the stairs.
“Melvin Abbott.”
The names keep getting called but Cade doesn’t take his leave, and his mother casts him an odd glance, one that he doesn’t notice. I try to will him to look at me, but he’s too shell-shocked, and I wish I knew what was going through his mind. Is he angry? Relieved? I can’t tell, and it takes far too long for my own name to be called.
When I finally climb the stage, my legs are weak, and I barely acknowledge Dorothy as she hands me my parchment. I train my eyes back on Cade, scared that he’s broken, and I stumble. He’s staring right at me. His dark irises are narrowed, as if he’s trying to figure me out. My heart stutters as I watch the gears turn in his mind. I straighten, suppress the urge to gulp, and force myself to walk past him, hoping the wolf isn’t hungry. I turn my back on him and descend, feeling his gaze tracking my every move and singeing my skin. I don’t dare look at him until I’m safely back in my seat.
I gasp when I realize he’s taken to the center of the stage.
“You…” he says for all to hear, his voice cracking, wet eyes searing into mine.
Whispers whip through the commencement as the headmistress looks around at a loss, but I’m trapped in his stare and the question within it. I don’t even care that everyone’s attention has turned to me. There’s only Cade. There’s only us. And I give him the smallest of nods, confirming what he’s already figured out.
A sob rips from his throat as his shoulders wrack forward. My own body trembles in response, and then he jumps , vaulting off the stage. He starts sprinting down the aisle, his cap falling away, and I’m suddenly out of my seat, clawing my way past people, desperate to meet him no matter what his wrath might be.
“You…” he rasps when we collide, grabbing my cheeks, “You…”
“Yes,” I cry, my whole body shaking. “Don’t hate me. Please, don’t hate me.”
“ Hate you?” He rears back as if I’ve slapped him. “How can I hate you when you just saved my soul?”