Chapter 33
THIRTY-THREE
We spent hours coloring with Lio and researching Saylor’s condition, trying to find anything that might offer a new perspective or solution.
Every expert, every doctor we’ve consulted, has left us without a solution.
North called all the doctors they had contact with when they first tried to help Saylor, but they all said the longer he is in this state, the less likely it is that he can be helped.
North made appointments with them anyway, to at least try.
Despite that, the glint in Saylor’s eyes dimmed every time North ended a phone call, and the weight on my chest almost suffocated me.
When Saylor felt the pull a half hour ago, it was the first time I was relieved he did. He didn’t have to hear the next crushing conclusion from his hospital doctor over the phone. The likelihood of his heart failing due to his condition was now greater than the chance of him waking up.
Needing a moment, I excused myself, telling North I would bring the van to their house.
I could see the skepticism in his eyes, a silent question of whether I was planning to run again.
Despite his doubts, he let me go, but not before I promised to return.
His trust, mixed with apprehension, was evident, and as I walked away, I guess he felt I needed some space.
A tear cascades down my cheek while sitting on the bed in my van.
These walls are my sanctuary, comforting and confining as I grapple with my emotions.
I had yearned for Saylor when I thought he was dead.
I could have coped with that loss because my love for him outweighs everything.
But to know he’s still alive, to know he’s suffering, his body there, but he’s never going to wake up again, it’s fucking killing me.
And I don’t want to know how he feels about it.
Although I can guess.
“This is so fucking unfair,” I whisper into the quiet of the van, my words disappearing into the silence.
“There has to be something we can do.” My nan’s words echo in my mind, her belief that there’s a reason for everything.
But what possible reason could there be for this?
“What sense does it make for him to be like this?” I ask into the void, knowing full well that Nan won’t answer, won’t come to comfort or guide me.
She never does.
We did readings for so many people, connecting others with the spirits of their loved ones when they were willing to communicate, yet she has stayed silent.
Why doesn’t she want to talk to me?
Why does she never come through for me?
“Why?” I cry out, my voice breaking with emotion.
“Why do you leave me alone in all of this?” I stand, my heart pounding fiercely against my chest. “Why don’t you ever come for me?
I need you!” I yell, my voice echoing in the small space, not caring if anyone outside can hear me.
“You said you’d only be a whisper away. I whispered, I yelled, and now I’m screaming for you. Where are you?”
The questions hang heavy in the air, unanswered.
My outburst has me panting. I sit back down on the edge of the bed, my head cradled in my hands, allowing myself a few more moments to cry and release the pent-up pain and frustration.
I need to get my shit together before getting back home to Lio and the guys.
Home.
It’s funny to think about the house that way now, even though it felt like it from the start.
As I sit here, enveloped in the aftermath of my emotional storm, a faint whisper cuts through the silence, startling me. “Sloany.”
I bolt upright, my heart racing. The voice, barely more than a breath, seems both not and yet undeniably real.
“Nan,” I sob, my fingers digging into the bed’s edge, a part of me aching to leap up and embrace her, even though I know it’s impossible.
There she stands, happy and healthy, a stark contrast to the frail figure I remember from her final days.
She’s back to the robust, beautiful woman who raised me, the one who stars in so many of my memories, in almost all of them.
“Sloany, I’m so sorry I couldn’t come sooner, but time doesn’t work the same way here,” she apologizes, her voice laced with a warmth I’ve missed so fucking much.
“Are you okay? Are you… are you happy?” I ask through tears, hastily wiping them away, not wanting them to blur my vision. If this is the only time I get to see her, I don’t want to miss a thing.
“You’re asking if I’m okay? You know there’s no unhappiness in the light. You’ve seen it enough times. The real question is, how are you?” Her gaze is tinged with sadness, that same penetrating look that always seemed to reach into my very soul.
“I wasn’t okay for a long time. I thought things were getting better, and then it all crumbled again. Now, I’m not so sure. In some ways, I’m okay, but in others, not so much.” The words spill out of me.
Does that even make sense?
But Nan nods at me knowingly. “I’ve seen it all and understand, but know this… things are as they should be. You’re exactly where you need to be, and everything will be all right.”
I can’t even explain what just happened in my chest at her words. It’s like my anxiety that’s always lingering in the back just sat down. “I hoped so much that you were at least watching,” I murmur, my voice barely more than a whisper.
She chuckles, a sound that resonates with knowing and love. “Oh, I watched. It’s been quite entertaining,” she says in that uniquely knowing way of hers.
“I love all four of them,” I admit in a quiet, almost hesitant voice.
“I know, and they love you too,” she responds, her smile gentle and reassuring.
“And you’re okay with that?” I ask, my voice tinged with uncertainty. I’m not sure what she thinks of me for being with four men, and brothers at that.
“Sloany, I want you to be happy, and they seem to do that… at least most of the time. Remember, no one is perfect. Your grandfather used to drive me up the wall quite often,” she says with a hint of humor.
I can’t help but laugh softly, remembering the beautiful relationship they had. “But you were the one always talking about soul bonds and soulmates. How does that match your beliefs?” I ask, worried about the answer. “Soulmates, two people that were made for each other?”
“Who said that a soul bond had to involve only two people? I never told you that there’s only one soulmate for everyone. I simply believe that the souls we meet in life are predestined, and there’s a reason for everyone you let into your heart and life. It’s the connection you can’t explain.”
“But it’s unconventional to feel this way for more than one person,” I argue, my gaze dropping to my hands in my lap. Talking to Nan about the doubt that Tally planted unintentionally is everything I’ve longed for since it came out of her mouth.
“And who defines what’s conventional?” Nan asks, her head tilted slightly as I look back at her.
“I don’t know. Society, I guess,” I reply, somewhat sheepishly.
“Why would you follow rules you didn’t make yourself when it concerns your heart?”
She’s right. I knew that already, but having her blessing and knowing she’s fine with how I want to live my life…
It’s everything.
That only leaves…
“So you know about Saylor?” I ask, feeling a fresh wave of tears threatening to spill. She simply nods, offering me a sad smile.
“That boy is something else. I like him.” She smiles, her voice carrying a warmth that provides a small comfort.
“I’ve never experienced anything like what I feel with him with other souls. Do you know if there’s anything we could do to help him?” I ask with faint hope.
“He’s in limbo, his soul caught between life and death,” she states matter-of-factly, but it’s more information than guidance. “And he’s different because what you have is a soul bond, Sloany.”
I nod, tears streaming down my face.
I knew that. Deep down, I knew that all along.
“But what can we do? They’ve tried everything… every doctor, every specialist. No one has any answers,” I press, seeking some direction, some solution.
Please tell me what to do.
“Every soul has a purpose. Every soul on Earth has a reason to be here. Some purposes are small, some are grand, but everyone has one. Maybe Saylor hasn’t fulfilled his purpose in this world yet,” she suggests gently. “Perhaps he can’t move on until he does.”
No, because that would mean he would die after that anyway, and that’s not the answer I wanted to hear.
I want to hear how I can save him.
“What if his purpose is to live a long, happy life with me?” I ask desperately, clinging to the slimmest hope, but she looks at me sadly.
Well, that’s a big fat no.
“Don’t be afraid of him leaving you. Stepping into the light is a beautiful thing, and he will wait for you there. It’s much better than being in the in-between, in limbo. You know that.”
I do, but I don’t want that.
But that’s selfish, isn’t it?
“And how is he supposed to fulfill his purpose in this state?” I ask, frustration and desperation tightening my chest. “He’s in a coma, Nan. There’s no way he can fulfill anything like this, even if he wanted to.”
“How do you fulfill your purpose? Nobody knows. That’s the beauty of life, of things unknown.”
“You’re so not helpful. You sound like a fortune cookie,” I tell her, half-jokingly, half in earnest, making her chuckle.
“Oh, Sloany, there’s so much more ahead for you.
Beautiful moments, painful challenges that will try to break you.
But you will push through it all. You’re strong and determined.
You’re one of the lucky few who know their purpose.
Don’t lose sight of that because you’re afraid.
You’re meant to do so much more than cower and hide. You were born to shine.”
“Nan—” I start to say, but she interrupts me.