CHAPTER ELEVEN
CLOVER
Snuggled up next to Cash in his bed, I should have been entirely at ease. Content. Instead, my mind raced.
Cash had fallen asleep a while ago. We’d been watching a movie to settle down after supper. I had school work to do but didn’t feel up to it. After the alcohol wore off, I felt tired. Expecting to sleep, I’d crawled into bed with Cash and let him choose the movie. Some action flick with some action hero actor guy.
By the time the credits rolled, Cash was asleep. I was still wide awake, frustrated at my inability to shut off my brain. Blaze had known right away that something was wrong. So had Raina. Maybe I needed to admit it to them, or at the very least, admit it to myself.
I missed the days of blissful ignorance. When my sole focus was school and my social life. The horrors of the world hadn’t been on my radar then. Not really. It had been easier to tune it all out, because there was nothing I could do about it anyway.
Now I was part of a team working to take down those who worked in the shadows. It was on me to figure out how to stop the dark web content being made at Paradise.
I laid there listening to the sounds of the night. The occasional car rolling down the street outside. A dog barking several houses over. Cash’s even breathing next to me. Closing my eyes, I willed sleep to come. I should be tired. Why wasn’t I tired?
After what felt like hours, I gave up. Getting out of bed, I grabbed my laptop from my bag. Not wanting to disturb Cash with the light from the screen, I sat on the floor. I fired up the laptop, not knowing where to start. The Sinners would probably say using my personal device for this was stupid, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t doing anything wrong. It was research.
My first few searches for snuff film and dark web content didn’t get me very far. Basic results talking about the existence of such content. I kept going, trying various types of phrasing and keywords. Finally, I started to get somewhere.
I came across a message board where users discussed such things. They shared links and photos. At first the photos weren’t all that bad. Images of people tied up and some sexual imagery that pushed my personal boundaries. Once I began clicking the links, I fell deep down a rabbit hole.
It soon became clear that there certainly was a market for the content being made at Paradise. Sick and twisted people who were willing to pay top dollar for photos and videos of such activity. A photo of a woman being savagely abused popped up, making me gasp.
I glanced back at the bed. Cash still slept peacefully. Must be nice.
Turning back to the screen, I kept scrolling and clicking. I couldn’t look away. This was much worse than what I’d witnessed at Paradise myself. So much sicker. I saw things I would never unsee. There was no amount of brain bleach that would cleanse these visuals from my mind.
I kept telling myself that one more click, one more page, and I would be done. The further I went, the sicker things became. Eventually, it was much more than my psyche could take. My stomach rolled. Oh shit.
Jumping to my feet, I leapt over my laptop and darted for the door. I rushed into the bathroom and closed the door, flicking on the fan to help muffle the sounds as I vomited. What the hell was wrong with some people? Why would they enjoy that? There was a special place in hell for monsters like that. I had to help them get there.
After emptying my stomach, I splashed some cool water on my face. When I was sure that I wouldn’t be sick again, I brushed my teeth, needing to freshen my mouth. I stared at my reflection in the mirror, expecting to see the changes on my insides reflected on the outside.
I sucked in a deep breath before leaving the bathroom. When I returned to Cash’s bedroom, I found him sitting up in bed. My laptop was on the bed with him. I froze in the doorway.
“What are you doing?” I asked.
“Why the hell are you looking at this shit?” He answered my question with a question of his own. “This is some seriously fucked up material, Clover.”
I took a few steps toward the bed. “I know. I didn’t mean to see all that. I couldn’t sleep, and I was curious. Part of me wanted to know how bad it got. I’m kind of regretting that now.”
Cash clicked out of the browser and closed my laptop. “This isn’t good for you, Sunshine. It’s messed up. You’ve seen enough bad shit without seeking it out. Come here.”
He patted the bed beside him. I moved slowly, embarrassed at being caught looking at such sick stuff. I crawled onto the bed, sitting stiffly.
Cash put my laptop on his side table before taking my hand and pulling me closer. He brushed my disheveled hair back from my face. “You don’t have to go back in there. If this is too much for you, we’ll find a way to handle it without you.”
His piercing blue eyes were lit up by the sliver of light coming through the window. The sympathy and concern within them touched me. I threw my arms around him, hugging him tight.
“You’re so sweet, Cash. You have a big heart. That means so much to me, but we both know that I can’t get out of this now. I’m in this up to my eyeballs. I have to do it.”
He pulled back to look into my eyes. “You really don’t. The last thing any of us want is for you to push yourself too far. You’ve already dealt with so much. We’ll understand if this is crossing the line for you. Your mental health matters. We love you. I love you.”
My breath caught. Warmth spread through my chest. I leaned in to kiss him, glad that I’d just brushed my teeth.
“I love you too, Cash. More than I think I even realize. I know you want to take care of me. You have no idea how much I appreciate that.” I hugged him close, savoring the way his large, warm body felt against me.
“We want to keep you safe. Nothing matters more than that.” He paused before adding, “Blaze is worried about you. I am too.”
“I know. I’ll be fine though. Really. I promise.” I crawled into Cash’s lap, loving the way his arms automatically went around me. “I want to help stop what’s happening at Paradise. I know we can’t save everyone, but we know it’s happening, and I couldn’t live with myself if I walked away now.”
Cash nodded. “I get that. Only if you’re sure though. We can always find another way.”
He pulled me down with him, spooning in against me. For a long time Cash stroked a hand through my hair, soothing me with his gentle touch until I finally fell asleep.
My dreams were a mess of tormenting images. When morning rolled around and I woke up, I felt like I’d barely slept. A renewed determination had filled me. I would not be deterred. We were bringing down the people running the back rooms at Paradise, even if it cost me my sanity.