CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE
CLOVER
My head spun, my temples pounding. Surfacing from a drugged out haze never got easier. It took me a minute to realize that I was on the couch at home.
I groaned as it took immense effort to sit up. I groped around blindly for the back of the couch, using it to help me get upright. My eyelids felt like they were glued shut. It took several attempts to pry them open.
The living room swam as it came into focus. A faint haze of light came through the window. Was it morning? I wasn’t sure how much time I had lost.
I thought I was alone. Did the guys just dump me on the couch and go to bed? Would they do something so crass?
Taking my time, I swung my legs over the side of the couch and just sat there, letting my mind catch up with the rest of me. I was pretty sure I had class today. Although I couldn’t quite remember what day it was.
“Rise and shine, beautiful.” Daire’s voice came from the kitchen. He sat at the small table, drinking a mug of coffee. His eyes were bloodshot, his pupils blown out and huge.
“What time is it?” I muttered, angry at the very sight of him. How could he do that to me? I thought we were getting somewhere, that there was really something between us. Maybe I was wrong about all of it.
“Just past seven. How are you feeling?” Leaving his mug on the table, Daire got up and came to where I sat.
He touched a hand to my forehead, then my cheek. Annoyance surged through me, and I jerked back out of reach.
My hand flew through the air, cracking him across the face. “How do you think I feel? I feel like someone drugged me. How could you do that, Daire? I trusted you.”
The shock of my slap made him take a step back. His hand went to his face, rubbing the place of impact. “I didn’t have a choice. You were panicking. We had to play along. How else were we going to get out of there alive? I’m not willing to lose you, Clover. I’m sorry that it had to be that way. I was only doing what it took to protect you.”
“You know that’s what Brady did to me. I never thought you would do it too.” I glared up at him, hating him in that moment.
Daire took another step back, like he was suddenly wary of crowding me. “I know. I get that. Trust me, I didn’t want to do it. We were on the spot, and I had a split-second to make a decision that would keep our asses alive. Was I supposed to let you go into panic mode and tip those guys off instead?”
I knew he was right. We had walked into a dangerous situation, having no idea how it would play out until we were immersed. He made the decision he felt was best in the moment. And yet, I could barely stand to look at him.
“I don’t want to do this right now.” Placing my face in my hands, I took a deep breath. “I have to get ready for class.”
After a few more deep breaths, I pushed off the couch, pausing to make sure the room stayed steady. I’d made the choice to go in there. The guys asked me repeatedly if I could handle it. Maybe this was on me. Maybe I’d fucked up.
“Go to class?” Daire repeated. “You’ve got to be kidding. Go to bed. Get some proper sleep. Do you need anything? I can bring you anything you want.”
“All I want right now, Daire, is for you to stay away from me.” My words were bitter, harsh enough to make him flinch.
Shoving past him, I left the room without a glance back. Daire couldn’t stand it. He came after me, grabbing my arm before I reached the staircase.
“Are you kidding me? I kept you safe. I didn’t have another way. You’re punishing me for making a hard decision in the heat of the moment?” He whirled me around to face him. A tornado of emotion spiraled in his eyes.
“Let go of me,” I hissed, trying to jerk my arm away.
He held tight, refusing to release me. “Not until you calm down and realize that I would never hurt you like that. It was the only way to keep you safe.”
Maybe he was right. I didn’t want to hear it right then. All I wanted was to be away from him. To be alone and gather my thoughts.
“Let me go.” My voice rose to a near shout.
That kind of thing didn’t work with Daire. He would not be moved. “No. I’m not the bad guy here. Not this time.”
Blaze appeared at the top of the steps. His hair was rumpled from sleep, crease marks on the side of his face from his pillow.
“What’s going on?” he asked, starting down the stairs.
“Clover is losing her mind,” Daire said, suddenly letting me go. He threw both hands up, his face a mask of utter disgust. “She blames me for what happened at Paradise. Funny how quickly she forgot the two of you were also involved.”
“I didn’t forget anything,” I shouted. “I remember it all quite well. You made the call, and they both fell in line, just like they always do.”
Clutching the stair railing, I used it to steady myself as I pulled myself up the steps. I squeezed past Blaze and left them both behind. Not knowing what to do with myself, I flung myself into the bathroom and locked the door. Then I slumped to the floor, breathing hard.
Their voices carried through the door. Cash must have emerged from his bedroom because I heard him too.
“Give her some space,” Blaze advised. “She needs some time to process.”
“Maybe you should leave for a while,” Cash suggested. “Go to class early or hang in the basement for a while. Shit, Daire, have you even slept?”
Daire’s reply hit me in the chest. “Of course not. Someone had to stay up and make sure Clover was okay. I wasn’t going to leave her there alone.”
Tears welled up in my eyes. He’d been up all night so he could watch over me. The Daire I’d first met wouldn’t have done that. The tears spilled from my eyes, racing down my cheeks in hot twin paths.
The trauma I’d endured at Brady’s hands still haunted me. I’d tried to bury it, but last night had made it burst free, reminding me that such things would never stay buried for long. I didn’t want it to drive a wedge between Daire and me, or the others for that matter. He already blamed himself for what happened, even though I’d been the one to make the mistake that gave Brady the opportunity to grab me. Blaming each other and ourselves was futile. It would get us nowhere.
At Cash’s urging, Daire opted to leave the house completely. I heard the front door close behind him, and a fresh wave of tears rolled down my face. With my back pressed to the bathroom door, I let myself cry it out, desperate for the release. Yet not everything would be purged.
A soft knock at the door was followed by Blaze’s voice. “Clover? Are you okay? Can I come in?”
I was torn between opening the door and telling him to go away. Sucking in a shaky breath, I stood up and unlocked the door.
Blaze stood there, his bruised face crumpled in distress. “Can we talk?”
I stepped back to let him enter. Taking a seat on the edge of the tub, I waited for him to start.
He sat next to me, keeping some space between us. “Don’t be mad at Daire. You’re entitled to your feelings, of course, but you know he would do anything to keep you safe. Right?”
The stubborn, hurt part of me wanted to viciously deny that. Except that I couldn’t. Daire had proven repeatedly that he would do anything for me. Even kill.
“Yeah, I know.” My shoulders slumped. “I’m not sure what happened to me in there. I really thought I could handle it. Guess I was wrong. You guys came at me with that needle and I flashed back to Brady. That’s not Daire’s fault.”
“If you want to blame Daire, then you have to blame Cash and me too.” Blaze slid closer, putting a hand over mine. “I really hope you don’t though. I’m sorry it was so triggering for you.”
When he slid an arm around me and pulled me against him, I didn’t fight or resist. His warmth provided a comfort I’d been longing for.
He was right. I couldn’t punish Daire. Not without punishing all of them. He’d been put in a tough spot, having to make a decision. He’d done what he felt was best at the time. I had to give him credit for being able to act under pressure, because I sure hadn’t been able to persevere.
Blaze and I sat there for a long time holding each other. I felt like hell. My mind was a mess and exhaustion plagued my body. Not quite a good start to the day. Surely, it had to get better from here.