Chapter 4
four
I prided myself on killer reflexes but when Isabel undid my towel knot and the whole thing started to slip down my hips, I didn’t do a goddamn thing. I didn’t move. I didn’t grab it. I didn’t step backwards. I stood there and let that fucker fall to the tile floor, stunned. Both at Isabel and at myself. I wanted her to pull that towel away and that wasn’t even right. For a guy who prided himself on respecting women, I was doing a lousy job at the moment.
But she was smiling, sleepy and sexy, and when her gaze shifted to my cock, her eyes widened.
“Wow,” she said, and licked her bottom lip.
I almost groaned. Instead, I tried to force my cock to lie down by sheer willpower, but it did just the opposite. The longer she stared, the bigger it grew. Now we had both seen each other fully naked. That was a lot of skin for a Tuesday.
“How are you feeling?” I asked, in what had to be the world’s stupidest question ever.
“I feel better,” she murmured. “But I could feel really, really great in a minute.”
Damn it. I closed my hands into fists and mentally counted to ten. I felt like I couldn’t breathe. Slowly, I let my breath out, fully emptying my lungs. Then I drew in fresh air and shook my head. “Not tonight, sweetheart. You have a headache.”
She laughed, a soft, seductive giggle. “At least lay down with me. I’m lonely in bed by myself.”
There was no way I could do that. I couldn’t say yes to that, knowing she had no panties on and nothing but my bunched up T-shirt and I was buck ass naked. “Will you go back to sleep if I lay down with you?”
I had no idea why I’d said that.
Yes, I did. Because I was a dirty ass whore who wanted to feel her bare skin against mine, however briefly and innocently.
“Uh-huh,” she nodded. “I promise.” She reached her arms out to me.
Determined to not be a pervert, I decided to lie on top of the covers next to her. I bent over, and tied my towel back on and did just that. She looked briefly disappointed, but then she rolled towards me, resting her hand on my chest, and she was out cold again. Her head was against my shoulder, her warm breath tickling my skin. I stared at the ceiling and tried to relax but all I could think about was how soon I could get away from her. This was just bad.
Not only was I turned on, I felt ridiculously protective of her, and a part of me wanted to just wrap my arm around her, climb under the covers, and fall asleep next to her. There was just something so guileless about Isabel, even when she was being flirty and strolling around naked. She was sweet. There was just no other way to describe her, and I purposely hadn’t spent a lot of time around sweet women, so it was new and appealing as hell.
But that was just me being an idiot. I’d been working a shit-ton. I hadn’t gotten laid in a month. I was wound tight and feeling tired and maybe a little bit lonely. That’s why crawling under those covers seemed so appealing. But my willpower was stronger than my need to be touched. I was already crossing lines, but going beyond this was out of the question. Isabel was the kind of girl you had to tread lightly around, respectively. She wasn’t the fuck her against the wall girl or the love her and leave her type. So that meant she wasn’t my type and I had stand firm even if it was so very damn tempting to roll over and taste her sweet, sexy body.
So I stared at the ceiling and I mentally did hand to hand combat with eighty-seven sheep, throwing each one over the fence after I kicked his ass, and eventually, out of sheer boredom, I fell asleep on top of the comforter, Isabel’s delicate fingers possessively positioned on my chest.
When I opened my eyes, I realized I was still dreaming. Because I was in a bed with a guy, and all it took was one glance for me to recognize that profile as Ryan’s. Clearly not reality. Considering the few times I had met Ryan I’d been awkward as hell and he had been polite but disinterested.
But for a dream, I had a hell of a headache and he was snoring. Not loudly, but just a soft hum in and out. I shifted, feeling pinned by the blankets. He was also sleeping on top of the covers. Shifting right, my heart rate kicking up a notch, I glanced around the dark room and tried to remember what the hell had happened. I had gone home after class. I had walked Buster through the neighborhood. I’d been texting with Juan, who was being a little more forward and sexual than I was comfortable with, and then… I couldn’t remember anything.
Fully awake, I had memories of intense dreams, where I had been strolling around naked eating pizza and Ryan had been watching me, his face a stormy mask. I touched my head tentatively and wondered if somehow I’d been roofied and Ryan had saved me. Or had I gotten loaded and found my way to Ryan’s to throw myself at him? Because it was not new for me to fantasize about sex with Ryan, nor was it that unusual to get drunk and feel an overwhelming urge to text him and tell him. But I didn’t have Ryan’s number and I didn’t know where he lived.
So what the hell was happening?
I swallowed hard and debated whether or not I should wake Ryan up. I had to go to the bathroom desperately so I decided to ease to the right, out from under the comforter and spill onto the floor. That’s when I realized I wasn’t wearing underwear and I had on a giant T-shirt that clearly belonged to a man. Presumably to Ryan, who was a big guy, tall, broad, muscular. The shirt hung so loosely the neck fell over my shoulder. Scrambling carefully to my feet I tugged it down over my vag and walked toward the door, testing if I felt hungover or not. It wasn’t the same sensation. I didn’t feel nauseous and dehydrated. There was just a pounding behind my eyes. I didn’t make a habit out of getting shitfaced but I knew the morning after feeling and this wasn’t it, not exactly.
I went into the hall, found the bathroom, and my clothes crumpled on the floor. They weren’t going out clothes. It was just jeans and a T-shirt. I pulled my panties on after I used the toilet, then my jeans. I felt better having my body covered, as if that could cover up any embarrassment that I was bound to feel the second I heard that I’d done something ridiculous. Because when you black out what else could be the truth but something epically embarrassing? Once my bra was safely on my chest, I opted to put the loose shirt back on, because I didn’t even want my breasts outlined in a tight top when I went back in there. If I knew where I was, or where my purse and phone were, I could just tap my Uber app and be gone. But there was no sign of my purse or wallet.
Hovering in the doorway of Ryan’s bedroom, I watched him sleeping. God, I was so lame. For eighteen months I had been lusting after him, fantasizing, having ridiculous daydreams about me and Ryan dating, having sex, getting married. He had said maybe a total of fifty words to me and I had married myself off to him in what was a seriously pathetic fantasy. I wasn’t Ryan’s type and I knew that. Men liked women like my mother- confident, sexual, but classy. Not awkward babblers who were better at communicating with dogs than with humans.
Especially not a man like Ryan, who worked security, and carried a gun. He had seen things I doubted I could even imagine and according to my mother, he had dated worldly girls. Actually, her exact words had been “hoochies,” but that’s what she had meant. Women with life experience who weren’t sweet and needy. As in, not me. My mother had been warning me off subtly, because she’d seen the signs of my very juvenile crush.
I couldn’t help crushing on Ryan though. He was polite, protective, tenacious, masculine. He was just sexy as hell and I knew without a doubt that being his girlfriend would make a girl feel amazing, cherished and seriously hard-core loved.
Stupid. It was stupid to picture myself in that role, but really, was it so different from wanting to bang the latest hot Hollywood actor? Plenty of girls my age wanted to do that. They wanted the doctor or Sherlock or Thor or whoever the latest hottie character was on screen and it was a fantasy, nothing more. I wanted to hook up with Ryan, so what? Except I wanted more than that. That’s what made it stupid. And spinning visions of the future with someone who didn’t really know you existed was very middle school of me.
Mom was right. I should have dated more in high school.
I cleared my throat, not wanting to actually go over to the bed and wake Ryan up. He didn’t move. So I said, “Ryan,” except it was nothing but a whisper. Yet somehow he heard me. He jerked awake and sat straight up.
“What, what’s wrong?” He reached to the nightstand, as if he were looking for his phone. Or a weapon, I realized when he was already putting his feet on the floor. “You okay?”
“I don’t know,” I answered truthfully. “I, um, am not exactly sure what happened last night.”
“You don’t remember anything, Julia?” He stood up, and the white towel that had been loosely wrapped around his waist came untied. He grabbed at it, held it to him, but the slip of the fabric exposed his waist, his hips, his thighs. I was seeing about ninety-five percent of Ryan naked, save a couple of very important parts, and it was glorious. He had a tattoo on his thigh, another on his chest. My dry mouth started to water.
Then I realized what he had said. Julia. He had called me Julia. My eyes shifted up to his face with horror. Oh, my God, had I done a Julia? Had I gotten trashed and given him my drunk name, which of course he knew was not my name, and convinced him to take me home with him? It was worse than I’d thought. More than embarrassing. It was mortifying. Like pray the floor opened up and swallowed me.
He didn’t look like he was making fun of me though. It was more like concern on his face. But then again, Ryan was a stoic man. He didn’t tease and laugh, not that I’d heard, and my mother and his father had corroborated that. Maybe he was mentally laughing or wincing but he was just too nice to say it out loud. I imagined me stupidly hitting on him, Ryan taking me home to protect me from predatory men. Ryan treating me like the hot mess that I was.
“No,” I said. “I don’t remember anything after walking my dog yesterday. I had weird dreams and then…” I gestured to his room. “Here I am.” There was no way in hell I was admitting that Julia was my drunk name, but I didn’t want him to know that I would do that when I was drinking and wanted to get my sexy on. So I asked, “So why are you calling me Julia?” Hopefully I sounded somewhat innocent.
“That’s what you said your name is. You were very insistent. Given that you got hit on the head, I didn’t want to upset you any further.”
That gave me pause. “I got hit on the head?” That seemed like something I should remember. Like having sex for the first time. If Ryan and I had hooked up, surely I would remember losing my virginity.
His towel slipped further. Yep. I would remember that, I was sure of it. Or at least I would feel it or something today. I was pretty sure that given that Ryan was a proportionate guy, it would have had an impact. It would fit, because it was designed to fit, but that was no small first dick to climb. My cheeks started to burn in both embarrassment and lust. I wanted to remember feeling that. Dang it. That would be the cruelest irony of all, if I finally got a night with Ryan and I didn’t remember it.
We hadn’t hooked up though, I was sure of it. He wouldn’t have done that. It wasn’t Ryan’s style and I was pretty sure he didn’t find me even remotely attractive when I was coherent. Woozy and whatever else, he definitely would not have found me sexy. Plus he wasn’t a man to take advantage of a vulnerable woman. I just knew that about him.
“Sorry,” he said, and he shifted the towel to his ass as he turned and went over to his dresser. He pulled a drawer open and retrieved briefs, stepping into them.
I didn’t look away. It seemed beyond my will power at that point. He was drool-worthy gorgeous, with a body like an ultimate fighter. He was just so big everywhere. The kind of man who made me feel petite and womanly. His ass was bare for a split second while he pulled his briefs up and I wanted to dig my nails into that flesh, just to feel something so hard. My body was like a memory foam pillow. You pushed and it sank, before rising back up. His looked like steel.
When he turned back to me, his underwear hugged his body, outlining that intriguing penis and showing off washboard abs. How did those abs even happen? Seriously. It was crazy. I had lost the thread of our conversation completely so I just stared at him, enjoying the view while he redirected me.
“Your mom found you at the bottom of the steps in the house, bleeding and disoriented. She’s not sure what happened to you.”
Neither was I. That was disturbing. “I don’t remember that.” I cast my memory back but all I kept getting was me and Buster strolling, a doggie poo bag dangling in my hand. Then it was just the hazy dreams of me naked, the pizza, smiling at Ryan… Suddenly I wondered if that was actually a dream. “Why am I here?”
“Because there is some question of whether or not it was intentional. My father thought it made sense to keep you safe here until we know for sure, and I agreed.”
That was alarming, on how many levels. I swallowed an uncomfortable lump and tugged at the neckline of Ryan’s shirt. “Why would I be in danger?” And good Lord, how long was I supposed to be shacking up with him? I didn’t think I could behave normally for very long. Not that I was even now. “Where is my dog?”
I knew I had to be have been out of it if I willingly left Buster behind.
“I’m sure your mom took the dog with her. She’s staying with my dad.”
That didn’t sound like firm knowledge. “But you don’t know that? I need to call her.” I felt my pockets, where I usually tucked my phone when I wasn’t carrying a purse. Nothing. “Where is my phone?” I was starting to panic. I could feel it crawling up my throat, tightening my airway in its wake. I hadn’t had an anxiety attack in a long time. Over a year. But I felt it happening now and I started to see spots, my heart racing, breathing labored. I knew that if I didn’t get a grip, it would spiral out in an asthma attack and I had no clue where my inhaler was.
Suddenly Ryan was in front of me, his large hands swallowing my arms in a firm grip. “Hey. Look at me.”
I was having trouble focusing, but I found a spot on his chin where he had a scar and I stared at it, trying to calm my breathing. I could hear the ragged wheeze rattling in and out of my mouth and it scared me. Struggling to calm myself down, I listened to his voice as he said firmly, “You’re okay. Your dog is okay. You know your mom wouldn’t leave him home alone. Your phone is in the living room.”
That relieved me somewhat, but the panic had already gotten a grip on me, and I couldn’t seem to catch my breath. I lifted my gaze to Ryan’s eyes and I tried to communicate without words that I needed help. His hands lifted and cupped my cheeks. They were so big that he encircled my entire face and his thumbs ran over my cheeks, back and forth.
“Shh. Take a deep breath. Not a small one. A deep one. You’re okay. Breathe with me.” He drew in a deep lungful of air.
I tried to match his movement, but my throat closed off. When I started to tense, he shook his head. “Don’t fight it. Just breathe in. That’s it. Breathe out.”
I finally got a full breath into my lungs and it helped to calm me down. I stared into his hazel eyes, focusing on the ring of amber than encircled his pupil. His eyes were concerned, caring. It made me feel better. The tension in my shoulders eased and I realized that I had been digging my nails into his forearms. I dropped my arms quickly. I nodded, needing to reassure both him and me. “I’m okay.”
“You’re okay.” Ryan lowered his hands to my shoulders and pulled me into a loose hug. “Shit, you scared me there for a minute.”
“I have asthma,” I said, into his warm chest. “I don’t know where my inhaler is.”
“I’ll drive you over to your house to get it if you think it’s there.”
I nodded. “I have a spare one in my room.”
“Okay, well let’s do that. Call your mom and check on the dog. That will make you feel better.” He rubbed my back and it was the gesture of a man who didn’t quite understand how big his hands were or how strong he was. It was like my spine was a washboard and he was doing laundry.
It made me rock a little on my feet. But oddly, it made me feel better. Those were strong hands. If anyone could hold me up, it was him. “Thanks, Ryan. I’m sorry you got stuck babysitting me.” That embarrassed me.
He stepped back and gave me a small smile. “My pleasure.”
His voice was low, filled with innuendo. Or was I imagining it? It was just a rote response, nothing more. I needed to get a grip on my emotions. I had punched a hole into Ryan’s time and privacy, the least I could do was stay somewhat rational.
“I don’t understand why I don’t remember anything.”
“I think that’s normal after a head trauma. I’m going to get dressed. You hungry?”
The thought of food made my stomach turn. “No. I’ll go get my shirt from the bathroom.” The images of me naked, eating pizza, kept haunting me. “Hey, uh, was I weird last night?”
“No,” he said, but Ryan was a terrible liar. His voice went up like an entire octave and he avoided looking at me, busying himself with digging in his dresser.
Great. That wasn’t even remotely reassuring. “Ryan, be honest. I’m a big girl, I can take it. What did I do?” Please, dear God, don’t let me have confessed I had a mega crush on him. Anything but that. Literally anything but that.
“You really want to know?”
No. Yes. I nodded.
“You kept taking your clothes off. That’s all.”
My cheeks flamed. So the dreams weren’t dreams after all. “Oh. I’m sorry.”
Ryan shook his head. “Don’t worry about it.”
That was it. He didn’t say anything else. He just pulled a shirt on over his head.
I hesitated, not sure what else to say, but feeling like I needed to apologize further. “I hope I didn’t embarrass you.”
That made his head snap up. He frowned. “I don’t get embarrassed.”
“Ever?”
“No. But I am angry with myself.”
“Why?”
He glanced down at my chest, then back up. “Because I looked. I admit it. I tried not to, but you kept taking your clothes off, and it just got too fucking hard, Isabel. I looked.”
The heat in my cheeks increased. But I also felt a warm sensation blooming between my thighs. “Did… did you like what you saw?” I shouldn’t have asked. It wasn’t fair to ask him that. It was clearly fishing.
“I liked it.” He slammed the drawer shut. His expression was stormy. “Just don’t do it again.”
Wow. Duly noted. Keep my clothes on. Check.
It felt like an insult. A criticism. Or maybe it was just my own feelings of embarrassment for having been such a flirt, or presumably a flirt. It was also my frustration with my own awkwardness, my inability to entice a man of any decency.
I was still a virgin. The man who I had been fantasizing about altering that state of my body was standing right in front of me telling me to keep my clothes on. So I gathered my inner Julia and I stood there and stripped his huge shirt off over my head, leaving me in my bra.
He made a strangled sound in the back of his throat. I held my arm straight out and let go. Boom. Mic drop.
Shirt down and Isabel out.