Chapter 7
seven
Why was it that everyone thought that if you were quiet or shy or introverted that you were somehow pathetic? What, I didn’t have feelings? Ryan thought it was okay to talk about me like he was popping my cherry for charity? It made me wonder if I was wrong about him altogether. I didn’t mean to leave. I just started out of the house and went right on past his car, not wanting to be in a confined space with him right now.
Because I still wanted him so bad it hurt. I ached for him, in every way. I was playing with fire telling him I just wanted him to be my first, because even though I did, I wanted more than that. I wasn’t going to able to keep this casual on my part and I was annoyed with myself for that. So for that reason and because he was such a reluctant lover, doing it out of duty because he didn’t want me hooking up with a stranger in a club, I needed to reverse my position and not go forward with this crazy plan.
I needed to walk off all the excess energy I was feeling. I lived in a safe neighborhood, full of beautiful homes and quiet streets. It was frankly impossible to believe anything bad could happen to me here at nine in the morning on a Wednesday. I knew that Ryan didn’t get along with his father and I could understand why. Mickey was a big personality, who steamrolled people and used charm to get his way. I also knew, via my mother, that Mickey had left Ryan alone quite a bit as a kid, and had relied on him to raise himself. But personally, I had no issues getting along with Mickey. He’d been good to my mother and he was always nice to me. The house was a gift that he hadn’t been obligated to give my mother and never once had thrown in her face as something she owed him for, and I appreciated that.
It didn’t make sense to me why they had divorced, and I was actually disappointed when they split up. My mother was a serial dater and it had been nice to see her happy with Mickey. And I guess, if I were honest, I had craved the sense of family. Not just me and Mom, but a larger family.
Which probably made my crush on Ryan even weirder. I was walking toward campus, digging in my pocket for my phone, so I could call my mother. I figured she could come pick me up. Though on second thought, Brandy would be better. Then I wouldn’t have to explain anything to my mother about Ryan.
I wasn’t surprised when he pulled up beside me, rolling his window down. “Isabel, what are you doing?”
“I need to get to class. I can’t afford to miss any because my vet school application is due January first.” That was all true. When I had first woken up, reality hasn’t seemed urgent, but now my head was starting to pound again and I remembered what really mattered in my life- my education, my future. Not my stupid fantasies about Ryan.
“So you’re going to walk to school?”
“Yes.” I couldn’t admit that I had been planning to call my best friend. “It’s not that far.” That was an exaggeration. It was a solid forty-minute walk, crossing a major road, with Miami drivers who wouldn’t stop for a nun crossing. But I wasn’t going to admit that to Ryan because he already knew it. He knew I was being stubborn, and maybe he even knew why, I wasn’t sure.
“Get in the car. I’m not having you walk to class. You’ll be late, and if I have to remind you, we don’t know what happened to you yesterday. You can’t be wandering around by yourself.”
A shiver of fear rolled up my spine. “I’m fine.” That was pure bullshit bravado.
I was starting to overheat from walking so fast, and my bag started to tug on my shoulders. My hair was in my eyes. The tires squealed as Ryan stomped on the brakes. He put the car in park and got out. I braced myself, expecting him to yell at me, bluster, demand I get in the car. But what he did was worse.
“Isabel,” he murmured, his voice soft, apologetic. “Please get into the car. I’m sorry.”
I couldn’t take that voice. It rang with sincerity. And I was predisposed to forgive him anyway because of the burn I had for him. That’s what it was- a slow, simmering, burn. Like a hot coal, turning cherry red. From the minute I had met him, I had wanted him. I couldn’t have him. I knew that. And for all my apparent Julia attempts at seduction and my guileless request at the house for him to be my first sex partner, I knew I didn’t have him and never would, because I could see it is his eyes. He felt sympathy for me. Kindness. Lust. But nothing more.
“I need to go to class,” I hedged.
“I’ll take you to class.” He took my hand in his.
It was a huge hand, warm, enveloping. My fingers felt small and delicate in his callused palm. He gave me a small squeeze and led me to the car. At the passenger side he opened the door, took my backpack off my shoulder and dropped it on the floor in front of my seat. I started to get in, but he stopped me.
“Hey.”
“What?”
He bent down and gave me a soft, brief kiss. It made me melt like butter. And made me want to have things I couldn’t have. All the things. I broke the kiss and got into the car, my heart thumping erratically, my palms sweaty. Ryan climbed inside and glanced over at me, pulling away from the curb as a car trying to pass honked angrily.
“You okay?” he asked. “Are we okay?”
“I’m fine.”
“I want to do it, you know. My answer is yes.”
I closed my eyes. He was about ten minutes too late. “I changed my mind.”
There was a long pregnant pause then he cleared his throat. “Why? Because of what I said? I didn’t mean it like that, I swear. Alejandro was getting under my skin and I never mentioned anything about you, about me, about what we discussed, to him. I was trying to get him to shut up.”
I wasn’t sure if that was the whole truth. I believed he wouldn’t share personal details about me with anyone else but I wasn’t sure that he wasn’t in fact just attempting to do me a favor. “It has nothing to do with what you said. I just changed my mind. I don’t want to have sex with you.” In case there was any doubt as to what I was talking about.
“You just changed your mind,” he said flatly.
“Yes. You said it was a big deal and you were right. You told me to sleep on it, but I don’t need to. It’s a bad idea. I don’t want to have sex with you.” Want and couldn’t were two totally different things, but I wasn’t lying. Not exactly. I realized that I couldn’t pretend I would be okay if we slept together once and never did again. I could say I knew it was just a hook up but I would make more. I would fantasize and spin everything he said into something more important than it was until I would veer into stalker territory.
“I heard you the first time.” I could see his knuckles turning white from his steel grip on the steering wheel. “Did you pick someone else? Someone like Alejandro?”
“What, no!” There was something satisfying about the jealousy I could have sworn I heard in his voice. But it didn’t change anything. “I don’t want to have sex with Alejandro.”
“Who do you want to have sex with?” His voice was low, even, but I could hear the intensity, the way he kept control over himself, his words.
It was yet another thing I found very sexy about Ryan. His discipline. He wasn’t a hot head. He wasn’t impulsive. He was quiet, thoughtful, loyal. Despite his issues with Mickey, he would never turn his back on him.
“No one.” But him. Just him.
“Not even me?”
I licked my lips nervously, not sure why he wasn’t dropping the issue. There was heat in my cheeks. “You need to turn here.” I pointed to the right. “You can drop me off in front of my classroom building.”
“Where can I park? I’m going with you.”
My relief that he was letting the whole sex issue drop was replaced by alarm. “You can’t go with me.” That was insane. I would look completely bizarre walking down the halls with a six foot five man who had no backpack or books on him. “You’re not a student.” Okay, that was obvious, but I was just trying to drive home the point that he couldn’t just stroll around campus. With a gun in his waistband. If security caught him, he’d be in a load of trouble, and rightly so.
“I’m going with you.” He found a spot on the street and parked. “We’ll have to hike it. I don’t have a parking sticker.”
“You can’t go with me. You’re carrying a gun. You’ll get arrested. This is a college campus.”
“I’ll leave my gun in the car.” Ryan leaned over my lap and popped open the glove box. His arm covered my entire thigh and knee.
I sucked in my breath because I couldn’t help it. Just him touching me casually did hot things to my insides. “Please don’t go with me. It’s really embarrassing. You’re going to look like my bodyguard.”
“This is Miami. Lots of people have bodyguards.”
“You’re not listening to me. You don’t have to do this.”
“It’s my job, my duty.”
I stared at him. I tried to figure out a way to convey to him how ludicrous all of this was. But instead I just said in total frustration, “That’s precisely why I changed my mind. Because it’s your job and your duty to protect me. I can’t stop you from following me around campus but I can stop you from forcing yourself to hook up with me.” That sounded more whiny than I intended, but it was out there.
Ryan reached out and ran his knuckles down my cheek. “I don’t have to force myself to do anything. And by the end of the week you’re going to be begging me. Because I will have you. I want you, Isabel.”
There was nothing like hearing what you wanted to hear at the exact wrong time. I should have never asked Ryan for sex. Because now I couldn’t feel secure about it.
“I’m going to be late for class.”
“Then you better quit talking and start walking.” He smiled at me.
Ryan didn’t smile often. So when he did, it was noteworthy. I couldn’t help but grin back. “You’re very adorable when you smile,” I told him, because it was true. “You should do it more often.”
For a second he looked startled then he started laughing. “You’re the only person who thinks so. There is nothing adorable about me, let’s be honest.”
“I think you’re very adorable.” Partly because he didn’t know it. He thought he was this big, brooding bad ass, but he was also thoughtful, loyal, and had a habit of rubbing his stomach when he was hungry. It was cute. He was cute.
“You’re the only person to think so.” His laughter trailed off. “You’re a special girl, Isabel.”
Goosebumps raced over my arms, and my nipples tightened. “Is that like special in quotes?”
He laughed again and reached out and tweaked my nose. “No. I meant special as in unique in a good way.”
It was flattering, sure. Yet very brotherly. For the seventh-ninth time I changed my mind- I did want to have sex with him and now I couldn’t because I had said I wouldn’t. What the hell was wrong with me? I was being a complete and total freak.
Which was exactly what I looked like walking across campus with Ryan trailing two feet behind me, looking huge and intimidating, and lacking in a backpack to label him a student. He didn’t blend in, and I kept seeing curious glances at him, then at me. People were trying to puzzle out who he was, and what he was to me. It made me super self-conscious. It also occurred to me about twenty minutes too late that most likely I was wearing the same clothes as the day before. I hoped no one was observant enough to notice. Normally, I was quiet around campus, going to class and working hard and not spending a lot of time socializing. I had friends, but I wasn’t necessarily an attention grabber.
Today was different. It felt like everyone I walked past was staring at me and I was mortified. But it was probably just my own imaginary audience. Probably no one was behaving any differently than usual. But then I had a thought. What if someone had tried to hurt me? Where they watching me now? Waiting?
I was psyching myself out.
Needing a distraction as I walked down the sidewalk, I pulled my phone out and checked it. I had a text from Brandy, which I answered.
** Julia? Really?
I know , I typed back. I can’t explain it.
I also had a text from Juan.
Hey, how’s it going?
I wasn’t sure I even wanted to bother answering him. He had been super pushy, asking to go home with me after two dates. Not my thing. Obviously.
Shoving my phone back in my pocket, I realized Ryan was talking to someone. Turning around, I saw there was a girl in step with him smiling up the long length of him and laughing. He was nodding.
I fought the urge to roll my eyes. Ryan glanced in my direction, and shook his head slightly. I had no idea what that was supposed to mean. I wasn’t well versed in silent bodyguard communication. Determined to be normal, whatever that was, I called my mom. We had been texting, but I needed to hear the sound of her voice.
“Is everything okay?” she said as a greeting.
“Yes, I’m fine. I’m going to class.”
“Where is Ryan?”
“He’s trailing me. It’s weird. Do I really need to do this?”
“Yes. Listen to what he says.”
For some reason that made my cheeks heat up. I was going to blame it on the hike across the campus. But I knew that was crap because I went running almost every day in an effort to contain my bigger than I preferred booty. “I am, Mom. But this is just all insane, seriously. Did you know Mickey does stuff that is illegal?” I lowered my voice to a whisper.
“What? I can’t hear you. By the way, why on earth were you calling yourself Julia?” she asked.
“How should I know?” I lied. “I hit my head, remember? Maybe I thought I was Julia Roberts.”
“In which movie? Pretty Woman? God, I love that movie.” My mother sighed in delight. “Why didn’t that ever happen to me? All those years on the pole I only had millionaires buy me drinks and jewelry. I never got carte blanche at a designer clothing store and a marriage proposal.”
“You’re doing better than me, Mom. All I’ve gotten in the last year is a couple of dinners and a picture of Juan’s penis. No millionaires.”
My mother snorted. “What a pig.” Then curiosity crept into her voice. “Was it a good penis?”
“I’m not really sure,” I told her truthfully. It was an ugly son of a gun, that was certain. But what constituted a good penis versus a bad penis? I didn’t know. Given what I had seen of Ryan naked, his was bigger, but he had a good six inches or more on Juan height wise, so that wasn’t unexpected. Width wise it was hard to say. There had been nothing in the picture of Juan to give me the proper scale. And of course, I didn’t have much experience with penises in person. I’d seen a couple, but I hadn’t lingered.
“I would say send it to me, but maybe that would be weird.”
“Yes. Yes, it would.” I loved my mother, but sometimes she forgot that I wasn’t her sister, I was her daughter. Boundaries. I needed them. So I circled back to the movie comment. Watching romantic comedies was our thing. Given that it had always been just the two of us my mother had loved to put me on the couch with her, our feet soaking in plastic tubs full of bubble bath, facial masks plastered on, while we ran through every romantic movie ever filmed. “I think I was Julia Roberts in Sleeping With the Enemy.” I didn’t really believe that, given that according to my hazy memories and Ryan’s confession, I had kept stripping off my clothes in a ballsy move more reminiscent of Julia as Erin Brokovich, but it would distract my mother.
“What? No! That’s terrifying. That only confirms that someone hurt you, because she was an abused wife in that movie.”
Great. That was not my intention. “But she escaped.”
“I suppose. Plus she met a cute neighbor guy. Too bad we don’t have any cute neighbors. The man next door is about a hundred and twelve years old and his kids are ingrates who never visit him.”
“Yeah, I don’t have hopes on the neighbor front.” I darted a glance behind me. Ryan was there, just a few feet away. The girl had disappeared. “But I have other hopes.”
My mother was silent. Then she sighed. “You’re talking about Ryan aren’t you?”
“Yes.” There was no pretending otherwise.
“That’s not the man I see you with. You need a nice boy.”
That offended me on Ryan’s behalf. “He is a nice boy.” My voice was low, so he wouldn’t hear me.
“He is. I’m not disputing that. But some men can give you their heart but not their loyalty. Some can give their loyalty but not their heart. Ryan is the latter. He would never cheat on you but he will never give you his heart, princesita .”
My mother was serious when she called me little princess. It was a childhood nickname she rarely trotted out now. It didn’t make me feel any better considering she was telling me precisely what I did not want to hear. “That’s why I want to just go home, Mom. And I have to go. I’m at my class.”
It had been a mistake to call her. She made me feel melancholy.
After ending the call, I turned to Ryan. “This is my building. You can’t go in with me.”
“Don’t use the restroom or go in any empty classrooms or hallways.”
That amused me. “There are dozens of people around me. I’m not in an alley at three in the morning.”
“Be serious,” he said. “This is a big deal.” He crossed his arms and leaned against the wall by the doors. “I’ll be right here when you get out.”
My eyebrows shot up. “You’re just going to stand there for fifty minutes? That’s not at all weird or creepy.”
The corner of his mouth lifted. “Are you calling me creepy?”
“Yes.” I fished around in my bag. “Here. Hold a book. You’ll look less conspicuous.” I shoved my microbiology book into his hands.
It didn’t help. He looked awkward as hell. He didn’t know what to do with it. He kept shifting it back and forth between his baseball mitt hands. I burst out laughing. “See you later.”
His nostrils flared. “Have a good class.”
“Thanks.” I quickly moved into the building, determined to make it through the class, even though my head was pounding. I should have eaten something. I wasn’t the girl who ‘forgot to eat.’ I liked my meals regular.
By the end of class I was hating myself and all my choices. My head hurt so bad I could taste bile in the back of my throat from fighting the urge to vomit. It was like a clam was trying to crawl up from the recesses of my stomach, and I was seeing black spots behind my eyes. The second the professor dismissed us, I rushed out of my seat and shoved the door open. I was hoping for fresh air, but that was a futile desire. The hallway seemed like chemical cleaner.
I rushed past a dozen people, breaking into a run at the bottom of the steps. I was going to throw up, there was no way around it.
But I didn’t. When I slammed open the front doors and barreled through, I skidded to a stop at the bushes and bent over, but instead of puking, all the blood rushed into my head and my vision went black. I reached out for the wall, but caught nothing but air, and I tried to lower myself to the ground, but I couldn’t see anything and my knee went down hard. Then suddenly my weight was being lifted up and I could hear Ryan’s voice.
“Isabel, look at me.”
The blackness receded and his face came into focus in front of mine. “Thanks,” I murmured. He had me by the waist and was holding all my weight. My legs felt like jelly. “I’m okay. I just have a headache.”
“You shouldn’t be at class. I’m taking you home.”
“Okay,” I agreed readily, just grateful that I hadn’t thrown up in the bushes in front of everyone or taken a facer. “I’m fine, I just need to eat or something.”
I was still half hunched over but without warning Ryan scooped me off the ground and into his arms. “Oh, my God, what are you doing?”
“I’m taking you home.” Still a little woozy, I swallowed hard, gripping Ryan’s T-shirt and staring up at his chin, confused. “I’m pretty sure that I can walk.”
Ryan didn’t say anything, just started walking. My butt bounced against his stomach. I suddenly had the urge to laugh. It was like I’d fallen into one of the movies my mother loved so much. I was Whitney Houston to his Kevin Costner in The Bodyguard. Which had been filmed in Miami, actually. My thoughts were ridiculous, but even more so was what he was doing. Refusing to look at anything other than him, because I did not want to see people staring at us, I giggled against the cotton of his shirt.
“What the hell is so funny?” he asked, sounding bewildered.
“I was just thinking about something.” I giggled again, then moaned when he shifted his arms and I was jostled. “My head hurts.”
“Close your eyes, Isabel.”
“Why does it seem like you’re always telling me that? And you’re always putting me to bed for the wrong reason.” Life sucked when you never got what you wanted. I was a good girl, damn it. I was nice, and I was punctual, and I worked hard, and I never yelled at my mother. I went to church and I gave blood and I never had road rage, which was a huge accomplishment when you lived in South Florida, and yet, I just wanted this one little thing. This one little big thing.
And I couldn’t have it.
It wasn’t fair and I knew life wasn’t fair and that I was fortunate for so many reasons, blah, blah, blah, but there was an ache in my heart and didn’t anyone understand that?
Unrequited love should be illegal.
Final answer.