Chapter 15
fifteen
I stood to the right of the stage, Alejandro next to me, earbud firmly in place. Alejandro was waxing enthusiastic about all the beautiful women in the audience at the concert we were doing security for. The venue had security but the pop star on stage had hired additional bodyguards to back up her team that traveled with her. So we were knee deep in suits. It seemed excessive to me and unlike Alejandro, I had no appreciation for the view.
“Oh, man, look at that one. She has glow sticks for a tube top. That’s fucking awesome.”
Glancing over, I shrugged. “She looks like an alien porn flick.”
“Exactly.”
“Not my type.” Isabel was my type. And she was trying to tell me something. Or rather, demand I say something. But I had no fucking clue what it was she wanted me to say. I had apologized, but it hadn’t seemed to have mattered. Yet… she had flirted with me that afternoon when we were delivering her couch. She wanted me. That was clear. And I wanted her.
I didn’t want to be that guy who missed an opportunity because he couldn’t open his damn mouth and say what he needed to.
Fuck. I already was that guy.
I was the asshole who banged her then didn’t call. It didn’t matter if I had good intentions. What did that mean? I’d still blown her off. She had been kicked by that guy and I hadn’t showed up to the hospital ER to see what was going on. I had let Mickey keep me informed.
What had I proved? That I was no better than my mother.
Maybe that’s what she wanted me to say. That I would leave the past behind and man up. For her.
My arms were across my chest, feet firmly planted. I could feel the scowl on my face, the one I’d been wearing for a week without interruption.
“Dude, will you just go see her?” Alejandro shook his head. “You’re being stubborn as hell and while I know you’re basically stubborn all the time, but this goes beyond stupid. You’re being a total dumb ass.”
“What are you talking about?” I said, even though I wasn’t stupid. I knew he was referring to Isabel. “Hey, did I tell you my dad and Kim are back together?” One Harris man knew how to take a leap of faith in a relationship and it was not me.
Instead, I was working out two hours a day and listening to a lot of Metallica. I was going to be fucking ripped if I didn’t sort out my emotions sooner than later. I was going to look like I’d been juicing.
“Your dad’s got game. Unlike you.”
“Fuck you.”
“Just call her. Because really, any reason you think you can’t be with her is a dumb one.”
That made me turn and glare at him. “It’s my fault that piece of shit Juan attacked her. She could have been killed. You know that.” But it was a weak argument at this point, and I knew that.
What was holding me back was I didn’t know the right words Isabel needed. I wasn’t a man who ever knew the right words.
“You could argue it’s my fault too, since I was there at that party, but the truth is, it’s Juan’s fault. Not yours or anyone else’s. He is a murderer and you didn’t know that. How could anyone know that?”
“I don’t want to talk about this.” But a niggle of doubt, and hell, even hope crept in. Alejandro was not the guy usually supporting the idea of commitment. He liked to sample every flavor that came his way. I was wracking my brains trying to figure out the right way to handle the situation. I was 0-2 so far. I needed a hit.
So I texted her, repeating her own words back as an admission.
I’m as asshole.
I know.
What else was I supposed to say? It was true. I felt shame, hot and thick, in my mouth. I knew it was the right thing to stay away from Isabel, but hurting her wasn’t who I wanted to be.
Can I come over?
Why?
To say what I need to say.
As soon as I figured out what that was.
Better late than never .
That was more than a slap. That was a knife in the chest.
Tonight?
Yes.
I need to explain.
She didn’t understand that I didn’t bring a lot to the table, and that what I had to offer wasn’t enough. But I needed to try. I needed to be the man I had always claimed I was- not my mother’s son. I needed to stick.
So explain it to me. And I don’t mean in a text. Show your face. Show me I wasn’t wrong to trust you. I’ll be up until midnight.
“Fuck.” I rolled my shoulders and swallowed hard. She was killing me. “Dude, I have to go.” I pulled the earbud out and jammed it into my pocket. “You’ve got to cover for me.”
“Are you serious right now?” Alejandro stared at me.
“I have to talk to Isabel.”
“Now? You had all afternoon!”
“Yeah.”
I drove faster than I should have, which was becoming a habit, but I know had the urgency that I had waited too long. That I couldn’t fix this. I had been surprised that she was moving into her own apartment. In my head now I always pictured her in my old bedroom, my abandoned possessions mingling with hers. I could see her glancing back at me over her shoulder, her eyes earnest, her need clear. She had wanted me.
I had taken her.
And I had taken off. One time my boxing coach had told me that to prove you’re a man, sometimes you have to bow your head and ask for forgiveness. That it might be the toughest match a man could face. I knew now he was right.
When I got to the apartment it was dark from the outside. I knocked, bouncing from foot to foot, restless.
She opened the door. Naked, except for a silky robe. The kitchen light was on in the recesses of the house, so she was obscured in the shadows, but I knew what I was looking at, and it was a whole lot of luscious skin and soft curves peeping out above and below the fabric.
My mouth went dry. “What are you doing?” I stepped inside and shielded her body with mine. “Fuck, Is, someone might see you.”
“It would be nice if someone would see me,” she murmured. “Someone like you.”
God, she was destroying me. “I see you. Trust me, I see you.”
“Come on in.” She held the door open. “I have a robe on, by the way. You’re always forgetting this is Miami. Full coverage means no cut outs on your minidress.”
I wanted to argue but that would be a way just to avoid a discussion that was long overdue. “I’ve been worried about you,” I started, not sure how to navigate these choppy waters.
“Then why wouldn’t you at least text me? You just left me in that hotel room, Ryan, and I know you weren’t going to work. I may be inexperienced with men but I’m not stupid.” She sat down on the couch I had brought over from the house, and the robe gaped at the apex of her thigh. I saw firm thighs, tempting me.
I didn’t know how to explain. “I was trying to protect you.” Crossing my arms across my chest so I wouldn’t touch her, I stood in front of her and shook my head. “Actually, I was trying to protect myself. You scare me.” It was almost impossible to force those words out of my mouth but I did. I couldn’t look at her though. I stared at the wall above her head.
When she touched my arm I jerked, startled. She had stood back up and moved in close to me.
“Hey,” she whispered. “Tell me why you would be afraid of me. I’m the least scary person you know.”
That forced me to look down at her. How could she not understand? And why the hell was she torturing me by being almost naked? “Is.” I uncrossed my arms and brushed her hair off her forehead. Her rich brown eyes were locked up on mine and I saw all those questions there. And the love. I saw love. Or something I hoped could grow in to love. It made it easier to admit my own weaknesses. “Because I think that you are by far the most amazing woman I’ve ever met and I could fall in love with you if I let myself and that is really terrifying to me.”
The corner of her mouth turned up in smile that showed she was pleased with my admission. “Why is that so scary? I already love you, Ryan. So it’s not one-sided.”
For a woman half my size, she packed a hell of an emotional punch. “Shit, Isabel. You’re making this really hard. You shouldn’t love me.”
“Why not?”
“Because I bring one thing to the table.” She was easing her body up against mine and I set her firmly away from me, starting to feel desperate and angry. She couldn’t force this to happen. She couldn’t force me to lose control of myself and get all caught up in sex and emotion. I had a job to do. “The one thing I can do is protect you. By staying away.”
“I don’t need to be protected.” She reached for me again, like her protests changed something, which they didn’t.
I exploded. I didn’t mean to, but I did. “That’s not the fucking point!” Turning to the couch, I yanked the throw blanket off of it. “Please put some real clothes on. I can’t even think.”
The blanket I hurled at her hit her in the tits and slid down to the floor. She made no move to pick it up.
“What is the fucking point? What did you come here to say, Ryan?”
She was so calm it made me even more frustrated. “I had one job! One goddamn job! To keep you safe and I couldn’t even do that.” I closed and opened my fists over and over, adrenaline pumping through my veins. “I failed. That is all I have to offer to you and I couldn’t even do that.”
Isabel looked shocked. “Why do you think that’s all you have to offer?”
“I’m not smart or educated or good-looking and I make shitty conversation. Look, I like myself just fine, so don’t mistake what I’m saying. This isn’t about me. This is about you and what you deserve.” I rubbed the back of my head. “It’s important to me to be able to protect you, because it’s something I’m good at. And I failed.”
For a second I could only stare at Ryan. The tiles were cold on my feet and I had sweaty palms from my impulsive move of wearing nothing under my robe, a gift from my mother. I hadn’t intended to do that when he asked to come over, but then when I’d heard him pull in the driveway I had thought maybe if he saw me as he had that night he’d come home and I was in his shower, he would forget about all his noble intentions.
But I had never suspected that he was actually feeling like he wasn’t manly enough. Ryan wore masculinity like a cologne. He was rough and raw and hard and covered in calluses. He was the epitome of the testosterone-driven male. What did he think he was supposed to do to protect me? I had to live a life.
My issues were not with the fact that Juan had targeted me to get a gun back from Ryan, they were from Ryan getting out of bed and leaving me alone. I was angry because he made me feel everything and then he gave me nothing.
It was one thing to never see me again after our night together, but I had wanted closure. A tender kiss, a goodbye, an opportunity for me to say thank you. He had fucked that up by taking off under the bullshit cover of his job.
Then he hadn’t even bothered to check on me after Juan attacked me. I knew he had heard I was fine from my mother and Mickey, but that was beside the point.
I ignored the blanket he bent over and tried to hand me again. In front, I unbelted the robe and dropped my robe entirely. My nudity didn’t feel vulnerable. I felt powerful. For the first time, I realized that we were actually equals. It wasn’t me asking Ryan for a favor. It was me figuratively standing head-to-head with him and telling him what I felt. He needed to stop viewing me as fragile.
“Is,” he said, the words ground out. “How am I supposed to talk when you’re naked?”
“Because you need to see me. The real me. Really see me. Stop thinking of me as a little girl. I can take care of myself.”
His nostrils flared. “I don’t see you as a little girl. Trust me. And you couldn’t take care of yourself that night Juan was there, waiting for you.”
“You couldn’t have known about Juan,” I started, intending to expand on that, but he cut me off.
“I should have. I talked to my dad about doing a background check on him. Did Mickey do it? I don’t know. I never asked, because I was too busy touching your naked body.”
“I forgive you,” I said, because I realized he didn’t want me to keep protesting. “But I also accept responsibility for distracting you.”
He shook his head and made a snorting sound. “You don’t get it.”
“Explain it to me.” I tried to keep my voice soothing but Lord, the man was stubborn.
Ryan looked agonized. “I will die if something happens to you again. When I realized you were in danger, when I saw you on the floor.” He gestured wildly to the floor. “Lying there, tears on your face, I wanted to kill Juan. And I couldn’t stand that I couldn’t keep you safe. But then I realized you had been put at risk because I was too much of a pussy to spend the night with you.”
“Why couldn’t you spend the night with me?” I went on my tiptoes and touched his cheek. “I don’t bite.”
“I’ve never done that. Ever. With anyone. I don’t think I… can.”
The agony in his voice brought tears to my eyes. I instantly forgave him. I had asked for more than he could give and that wasn’t fair. “I’m sorry I didn’t understand that. And I’m sorry I’ve pushed you so hard into all of this.”
Now I did reach down and pick up the blanket. I wrapped myself, tears silently falling down each cheek. “You’re right. I do deserve more. I deserve big love, the kind that is offered freely because some guy can’t contain his happiness. Not tentative, let’s see how it goes dating. I want stupid, crazy, irrational love. I want a Taylor Swift song and I want cuddling and laughter and stupid nicknames and texts where we miss each other for no reason. Maybe that’s childish and na?ve and unrealistic, but I want that. If you can’t give me that, I’ll wait for the guy who can.”
Ryan’s mouth was open and I thought for the briefest held breath, that he was going to say he was it. That guy. The moment held in the air, hope clinging to me like dew on a leaf in the earliest dawn. But then the drop gave up its hold on the leaf and plummeted to the ground.
His shoulders dropped and he closed his mouth. He rubbed his jaw. Then he moved around me to the front door. He reached for the knob. He put his hand on it.
My heart crumpled.
At least I had tried. I had said what I needed to. Now it was time to put my crush behind me and move beyond all of this. I had already been making huge strides, creating the next phase of my life, and this was closure. It was like slamming your finger in the door when you did, but hell, it was closure. No looking backwards.
But Ryan turned. I braced myself for whatever he was going to say. It would hurt, whatever it was. I knew that much. I was ready for it.
He didn’t say a word. He strode the few feet between us with hard, pounding steps, his hand reaching out and gripping my hair. Startled I stared up at him, about to ask him what the hell, when he kissed me, a fierce, possessive kiss. When he let go a minute later I was breathing heavy, heart and inner thighs aching.
“I’m that guy.” Ryan reached down, and swept me off the floor. “No one else is going to touch you, because Isabel, I’m that fucking guy. I’m going to make you laugh and smile and miss me for no reason. I’m going to give you a stupid nickname and I’m going to cuddle the fucking hell out of you, for real this time.”
There was a huge ass lump in my throat and I swallowed it so I could speak. “Why?” I needed to know. I needed to hear it.
“Because I’m crazy, stupid, irrationally in love with you.”
My jaw worked but I had no words. Only a smile. I hadn’t been expected the movie ending but I would be damned if I wasn’t going to enjoy it.
Ryan carried me up the stairs one at a time, effortlessly.
When he lay me down on the bed, I realized I had my head injury and subsequent amnesia to thank. I should send Juan a card in prison.
He started to peel the blanket off of me. “What are you grinning about?”
I shook my head, not wanting to talk about the idiot who had clocked me. “I’m just hoping for a happy ending.”
Ryan gave a chuckle. “I’m about to give you more than one.” He covered my breast with his palm, stroking my nipple into a taut bud. “All I’ve been thinking about is you and your body. You’re unforgettable, Is.”
My cheeks warmed from both his words and his touch. “You’re pretty damn unforgettable yourself.” I reached a hand between us and reaching down so I could stroke the outside of his jeans. He was already fully hard. “I think you’ve ruined me for other guys.”
“Good,” he said vehemently. He bent down and kissed me, slowly this time, savoring.
We melded our mouths, tasting, reacquainting. It was different now. These kisses had intention, emotion. There was a history there and a future. A promise, a commitment. They were sweet and sexy kisses, his broad body held over me by those muscular arms. I slid my hand up his cheek, scratching the hairs there. He needed to shave. He needed my touch. I knew it in the way he turned into it, the way he let me cup his cheek, the way his eyes briefly shuttered, before he kissed the inside of my wrist.
If his job was to protect me, mine was to love him.
It was that simple.
“You’re so sweet,” he murmured. “My sugar.”
My heart felt like it was being squeezed. I wanted to remember this moment, even more than the first time. He was all here with me this time and it was in his eyes, in the gentle awe of his touch, in the soft words he whispered into my ear. He nuzzled my neck, teasing my nipples, and my body felt heavy, the ache between my thighs growing. We kissed for an eternity, until our lips were damp and swollen and his hips rocked against me with increasing urgency. At some point he stripped off his shirt and briefly pressed his bare skin against mine, before descending down the length of my stomach, trailing with his tongue, and making me squirm. His finger found its way inside me and I sighed at the pleasure of him stroking through the damp arousal.
I expected him to tease me, draw it out, go down on me. But he didn’t. A few seconds later he had his pants off and he was inside me.
It definitely felt different this time. He slid in easier, without so much strain and coaxing. It was like my body knew what to expect and wanted some of that. I dug my nails into his biceps and cried out at the agonizing pleasure. “Ryan.” Then I shocked both of us by coming, hard, barely two minutes into his rhythmic and slow strokes.
As I watched Isabel shatter beneath me, her eyes wide with desire and love for me, I knew I was never letting her out of my sight again. She was crazy enough to take all this mess on, and I was crazy enough to let her. She felt good, so goddamn good, her moist body opening for me, my dick harder than it had ever been. People always said that sex was better when you loved someone and I had always figured that was a bunch of bullshit made up to sell greeting cards.
But there was truth to it. It wasn’t just physical when I touched Is, it was emotional too. Me, the dude with the broken nose and the fucked up family, felt like glass when I was with her. She could poke me in the eye and I wouldn’t care. Was that love? Probably. But Isabel would never poke me in the eye.
Funny how that worked.
Her orgasm was beautiful. It made her chest turn pink and her lips drift apart, soft sounds of pleasure falling from them. She had never been anything but open to me and I wanted to give her the same. I wasn’t sure if I could, but I was going to try.
She nodded then, as if she could read my mind. Goosebumps swept over my whole body. “Let go. Just come with me.”
For a second I thought about pulling out. Drawing out my anticipation and hers. But then I just wanted to give her what she wanted so I increased my pace, taking her so hard the headboard of my old bed banged the wall with enough force to send flakes of plaster drifting down onto the floor. Her nails dug deeper into my skin. Her heels bounced off my ass. Her eyes glazed over and her tiny pink tongue slipped out and moistened her bottom lip before she pulled it back in and sank her teeth down in ecstasy.
That did me in.
I shattered and for the first time ever, I fully let go. I gave her everything. All of me. Like a shot of whiskey as it pours down your throat. Feel the burn.
After a minute, I relaxed my arms and rested my sweaty forehead on hers, trying to suck in some air. “Am I still an asshole?” I asked, really damn glad I hadn’t walked out of the house the way I almost had.
“Yes.” She kissed me. “But you have all night to convince me otherwise.”
All night. In this bed. My old bed, which she had brought to her new apartment. Where I had slept growing up, lonely and angry. It seemed fitting she would break that pattern of sleeping alone, and here, of all places. A fresh start. The past and the present. It was right.
“Whatever it takes, sugar.” I fell on the bed and pulled her onto my chest.
She shrieked in surprise at the sudden movement. “Really? You’ll stay?”
I studied her beautiful face, running my hand over her silken strands of dark hair. They tumbled everywhere during sex and were in disarray now. God, I was a lucky motherfucker. “Really. I do love you, you know.”
“I love you too.” Isabel sighed and lay her head down on my chest. “Cue the music and fade out.”
Exactly.