Chapter 13
thirteen
For a split second Olivia’s words cut through the haze of lust I was experiencing. This was it. This was all I could give her. A good time. It made me feel like I should walk away. But I couldn’t. There was no way. She drew me to her like a magnet, and I had never wanted another woman the way I wanted her.
What I was going to give her was the best sex of her life.
Even though I loved the way she looked in the jeans she was wearing, I wished she had on a short dress like the other night. That way I could slide my hand under it and tease at her clit. But then I realized that was too easy. I wanted to peel off the layers of her clothing and have her completely trusting and open to me.
That was what I so desperately wanted from her. To have her look at me like I truly was her everything. That connection had breathed life back into me. Until I’d met Olivia I’d been existing, doing what I had to do. But she made me feel alive. She made me feel like for the first time in a long time, I didn’t need the adrenaline and the danger of my job to make the nerve endings in my skin tingle.
Because that’s why I was a bodyguard. Sure it was practical in that it was the only skill I possessed. But also because it made my heart race and my blood pump faster.
Like she did.
Gripping her under her tight ass, I lifted her off the floor. “I’m going to give you what I’ve got until you’re screaming my name.”
I walked across her living room. I didn’t know where her bedroom was but I would find it. It wasn’t that big of a place. She liked me aggressive so once I found the right door I marched in and tossed her down onto the bed. Olivia blinked up at me.
“What—”
Placing a knee between her legs, I leaned over her and put a finger on her lips. “No talking. I want you to kiss me.”
I had been looking forward to that privilege for days. Her mouth was already open in surprise and when I brushed my lips over hers, I teased my tongue inside. She sighed against me, hands snaking out to grip my biceps. She was actually squeezing my gunshot wound but I didn’t even care. The pain was grounding. It kept me from spiraling out of control too fast.
She kissed me like a lover does. Like a woman gives to her boyfriend. Sweet and passionate, and it grabbed me by the balls and held me like a vice.
Olivia arched her back and wrapped her ankle around my leg. She wanted more but I refused to rush this time. I wanted to taste her. Slowly. While I let her grind her hips against mine, I kissed her. Over and over again until our lips were wet and she was moaning low in the back of her throat. She tasted like beer and Olivia. I wanted to taste all of her, but denying us both was heightening the anticipation. I cupped her breast and felt the weight of it. “So hot,” I said. “You are so hot.”
“Take off my shirt, please.”
“I will eventually. I’m just...savoring.” I rubbed a thumb over her nipple and her eyes darkened. I repeated the motion on her other breast.
Being with her, like this, was unique for me. I always cared about pleasing any woman I was with, even a random hook up. If a woman was willing to get naked with me, it was my job to make sure she enjoyed it, but this was next level. This was me wanting to ensure that Olivia lost herself in me, in us. In our connection.
Because we had one, no matter how much I wanted to deny it.
I went from head to toe, stroking her hair, kissing her neck, gliding a hand down her hip, tracing her calf, and dipping into her inner thighs. I took off her shoes and set them on the carpet. I kissed between her thighs, biting the seam of her jeans, blowing hot air onto her, drawing a soft moan from her. Pushing up her shirt, I slipped my tongue into her belly button, while popping open her jeans. Worship her body, that’s what I wanted to do.
No rushing. Just slow and steady, driving her crazy one kiss, one lick at a time. I stripped her slowly, piece by piece, until she was completely naked. Not even a robe. The thought amused me before I buried my smile in her thighs.
Olivia moaned.
I tasted her thoroughly before pulling back. I knew what I wanted. I rolled onto my back, taking her with me. “Ride me. That’s what I want.”
She was glassy-eyed and eager. The minute her body sank onto mine, I gritted my teeth and knew that I was way in over my head. She did things to me, made me feel things I barely recognized because they had been dormant so long. It was electrifying and I gripped her waist hard, helping her along to a hard pounding rhythm.
The view was amazing. All dewy skin and bouncing tits and tumbling hair. Olivia screamed out my name. Just like I had asked for. She came on my name, and that made me let go, indulging in a low groan.
“Olivia,” I said, and I wasn’t sure what I meant. “I like dating you.”
She gave a soft laugh, pushing her hair back off her face. “So much for the rules.”
“Rules were made to be broken. You’re too bad ass for rules, anyway.”
Olivia leaned down and kissed me softly. Her pussy was wet on me, her nipples brushing my skin, her hair tickling my chin. I felt the deepest, most profound contentment I had experienced maybe ever, and even as I enjoyed it, it scared the hell out of me.
Snuggling against Wester’s chest, I sensed he wouldn’t spend the night. I could feel it in the way he stayed with his arms over his head and made no way to relax onto the pillow or turn off the light. It would be nice to wake up with him, but if he left I wasn’t sure that was a bad thing. I felt too vulnerable, too naked. He’d already become important to me and that was scary.
But what irritated me was when he tried to make up an excuse for it. “I should go. I have to work tomorrow and I don’t want to disturb you when I get up.”
“You don’t have to justify not staying over, Wester,” I said, resting my chin on his chest and looking up at him. “I’m not offended. I know you’re not exactly Mr. Romantic.”
He frowned at me. “Who said that? You always tell me I am a huge flirt.”
“There is a big difference between picking up women with your charm and being romantic.” The fact that he thought the two were interchangeable was unnerving. Not the same at all.
“I could be romantic if I wanted to be.” He said that like I had accused him of being a wimp again.
“But you don’t want to be romantic.” That was obvious to me. “It’s okay. I didn’t ask you for that.”
“I don’t understand what this conversation is about,” he said. “And it’s killing my mood.”
It was stealing my afterglow, too. I was sorry I had said anything, but now it was too awkward to let it go. “I’m letting you off the hook. I don’t understand why you’re looking annoyed now.” I was bewildered. I was trying to be the cool girl and tell him it didn’t matter. That I was fine with us taking it day by day, and now he was pissed off.
“I’m not looking annoyed.” He stroked the back of my hair. “What are you doing Monday night? Want to go out?”
“I can’t, I have a dinner ceremony to go to. My professor is getting an award. Do you want to go with me?”
I knew what the answer to that would be. His face lost some color and he shook his head. “No, I don’t think that’s my scene. I would just distract you.”
“I understand.” I did. I wasn’t going to push him. “I don’t want you to think I am trying to rush things. All I’m really asking is that you never bullshit me. Never lie to me.”
“I would never lie to you.” He grinned. “I do struggle with the bullshit a little, though. It’s my signature move.”
I wasn’t amused. I wasn’t sure what I was. “There are other moves you have that are better.”
He winked at me. “I need to go take a piss before I go.”
Yeah. Mr. Romantic. I rolled over so he could climb out of bed. “What time is it?” I asked. I class at eight. I always hated that Saturday class, but even more so right now.
“I don’t know. My phone is on the nightstand.” He walked across the room naked.
I was momentarily distracted by the sight of him in all his glory. He was so damn gorgeous. Everything was hard. I wanted to slap his ass and start another round. But I forced myself to check the time first. Holy crap, it was already two. I was going to be hurting the next day.
A text popped up Wester’s phone screen. It said Ricardo Davis was the caller.
Eva wants a report on Olivia. Text me when you’re done fucking her.
Everything instantly went black. I literally lost my vision between a wave of red hot anger and dancing dots spinning before my eyes. For a brief second I thought I was going to pass out. Then I thought I was going to throw up. Just lose all the beer and the hot wings I had eaten right onto my nightstand, splashing over Wester’s phone and that text from my brother-in-law.
Ricardo knew he was with me. Ricardo knew we were having sex. Wester came back into the room and I turned, afraid to look at him. Afraid to watch him lie when I confronted him. “What is this?” I asked. “Are you having sex with me on the clock? Is my sister’s husband paying you to fuck me?”
He stopped short at the bottom of the bed. “What the hell are you talking about?”
“This.” I threw the phone at him. It almost hit him the dick, which was disappointing. “Ricardo wants a report on me after you’re done fucking me.”
He pulled the phone off the mattress where it had fallen and glanced at the screen. “It’s not what you think. Tonight had nothing to do with Ricardo. Though he did request for me to follow you.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell me that?”
“Because you wouldn’t like it.”
“You’re right. I wouldn’t.” I was sick to death of Ricardo interfering in my life. “So just tell me yes or no—are you on the clock tonight? Are you planning to bill for this?”
For a second he didn’t say anything. He just stood there and gave me a completely blank stare. His eyes were void of emotion, his expression reserved. Another heartbeat went by and he still didn’t speak.
The lack of a denial screamed confirmation of my suspicions. “Oh, come on!” I yelled. “What the actual fuck is wrong with you? Was everything from the beginning just a job to you?”
“No, that’s not what it was. It’s complicated. But it’s not what you think.”
“Fuck you!” I was going to cry. Oh, my god, I was going to cry and humiliate myself and that was the last thing I wanted. I had really been falling for him. It had been such a fun night. I’d thought when he’d said he liked me, he’d meant it. My lip started to tremble. I was on my knees, naked, still wet from him. And it was all just a joke to him. Another bitch to fuck, a notch on his bedpost. Only this time he got laid and paid. What a bonus. “Get out of my apartment before I call the cops.”
“Olivia, calm down. I’m not getting paid tonight.”
He tried to climb onto the bed but I nailed him with a pillow. “Get out, get out, get out!” I was losing it completely.
Wester knocked the pillow out of my hand. “Fucking get a grip.”
“I swear to God if you don’t leave I will scratch your eyes out. After I twist my thumb inside your bullet wound.” I would, too. I was that pissed off. What a complete and total motherfucking asshole. He was disgusting.
“Okay. Jesus.” He put his hands up. “I’m leaving.” Then he grabbed his clothes and stepped into his jeans. “I’ll call you tomorrow after you talk to Ricardo. You’ll see this is a misunderstanding.”
“I’m blocking your number, so don’t bother.” Yanking my bed sheet off the corner of the mattress I wound it around me. I wanted to protect myself from him. I didn’t want him to even look at me naked. I tumbled off the bed and rushed past him.
He tried to grab my arm but I evaded his touch. “Where are you going?”
“See yourself out!” I picked up the sheet and ran to the bathroom. I locked the door behind me, and leaned against it, letting the tears stream down my face. Trembling, I went for the shower and turned it on so he wouldn’t hear me sob.
I wanted to scrub his scent off me. I wanted to take the shower gel and override his touch with soothing lavender. The water was hotter than I would normally go for, but even though I winced, I welcomed it. I wanted to be scalded and scrubbed free of Wester Lewiston. After dropping the sheet, I did just that.
At one point in the midst of my punishing tearing at my skin with a washcloth, I heard the front door to my apartment slam shut. I paused and then without meaning to, I sunk down onto the tile floor. Everything inside me hurt. I didn’t deserve this. I hadn’t done anything to Ricardo or Benito or Wester. I didn’t belong in this world of fucked up people and it wasn’t fair that I had been sucked into whatever the hell was going on.
The ultimate betrayal? Knowing that my twin sister was somehow involved. It was that thought that did actually have me heaving into the drain, my stomach finally rebelling and tossing up wave after wave of amber beer and bile. The water was hitting me everywhere, my hair slopping into my face, steam making it difficult to breathe. Once I stopped throwing up, I lay down on the floor, letting the tile soothe my burning cheek.
I wanted to drown. I wanted the water to melt me. Pummel me down into nothing but skin and tiny nuggets of flesh, that would disappear down the drain. I watched the water swirl around and around before it fell down the drain and I envied it. I wanted to slip away, down into that hole. I wanted to stop feeling anything ever again.
I wanted my life back. When I was just Olivia the college student and my sister worked in a coffee shop. Before I had been stupid enough to let a total stranger have sex with me.
Before I had been stupid enough to fall in love with him.
As I left Olivia’s, I realized that I hated myself. I hated what I had become. All this time I had been telling her I wasn’t a pussy and that was a total lie. I was. Because while I was not and never had been paid by Ricardo to spend time with Olivia, when she asked me if I had, I saw an out and I took it.
I was just that fucked up. I would rather have her think I was such a scumbag that I would have sex with her on Ricardo’s payroll than have her falling for me. Because I was falling for her and it scared me to death. I had wanted to spend the night. Wake up with her. Cuddle. Love her. I had lay there thinking that maybe in a few months I could wake up with her every morning. That we could be together, for real, and I would introduce her to my mother.
But then I had thought about Rachel and Benito and now I was still trapped in that world. It scared me to think Olivia would figure out I was an emotional faker and she would leave me. I couldn’t deal with the hurt of losing her. I just couldn’t have her leave me. So I did the most cowardly thing possible and took the out before I got in any further. Before she could dump me.
Standing outside her building for a second, I considered going back and apologizing, explaining, but I knew she wouldn’t want to hear it. She thought the worst of me, and really was she all that wrong? I was a guy with a spotty past. My girlfriend had been shot and killed in a drug drop gone wrong that I had asked her to go on with Benito. You look innocent , I had told her.
She had been innocent. And she was dead because of my stupidity and Benito’s betrayal.
I never should let down my guard with Olivia. She was just as innocent as Rachel and now I had hurt her.
Getting in my car, I drove somewhere I hadn’t been since the funeral. The cemetery. The gates were locked.
But the next morning, I went down in a squat in front of Rachel’s grave and I told her that I was sorry.
An old woman was walking past me in the early morning light. She clutched her rosary in her gnarled hands, and paused when she heard my whispered apology. I wanted her to go away and leave me alone in my damned misery and self-loathing, but she gave me the look of someone who has seen everything.
“Oh, sweetheart, she knows. Trust me, she knows. And she’s already forgiven you.” Her gnarled hand passed over my shoulder. “Now you just need to forgive yourself.”
For the first time in eight years, I felt the hot shameful sting of tears in my eyes.