11. Bethany
Chapter eleven
Bethany
That first night was familiar and terrifying. I decided to stay with the car and just drive. So I drove for hours, and when I got low on gas, I filled it up and kept driving until the tears had long since dried and my burning eyes wouldn’t allow me to keep going.
I found a park with appalling toilets and locked myself in the car. It was cold, but I was dry and safe, and the seats were comfortable. But dawn came too fast, leaving me feeling gritty and exhausted.
I thought maybe the pain would lessen, but the morning after it happened, it all felt worse. It didn’t take much to bring me to tears, and I couldn’t stop my whines.
After a few days, I could rationalise it. They broke my heart. They hurt the omega side of me that needs her pack, but worse, they shattered that long held belief that I had. The whole reason I set out of home, the reason I stayed away from my family all these years, was for nothing. My pack doesn’t want me, can’t love me, and won’t bond me.
I’ve failed.
My mood swings are crazy, shifting wildly from despair to a fury that I’ve never felt before. I contemplate ringing my family a dozen times, but I don’t have a phone still, and there’s no way of contacting them unless I find Kelly, Raider, or Locke and get past all their security.
I just want my dad. I want his big arms to hug me and hold me tight. He will tell me it’s okay and that he forgives me.
The more I sit, refusing to leave the car for long periods in case it’s stolen, the more I’m convinced I should just go home. I went and checked the maps yesterday, and I’m an hour and a half from home. One tiny drive, and I can be back on that familiar farm.
I should leave.
But every time I start driving in that direction, I have to pull over, certain I’m having a heart attack or something because the pain in my chest is so intense.
I replay those six perfect days in my dreams and on my closed eyelids whenever I blink. Their voices startle me, and I turn to look for them. I smell bourbon, coffee, and licorice all the time, and it kills me inside.
Sometimes, in those moments between waking and sleeping, I can feel one of them moving inside me, ghost lips trailing down my throat, whispers in my ears, and the heat of a hot body against mine, and I jerk awake, only to realise that it was just a dream.
They aren’t here.
Losing them all over again is wearing me down.
I think about their reasoning a lot. I think of the people I’ve met who have sworn off dating because too many women or men have done them wrong. The people who grew up in shitty homes who swear they will never have children, never trust a partner.
I can’t blame them for their views. I get it…I just want to be their exception. We can hate the world together. I can hate the world with them. I know I can.
And that’s what it all comes down to.
I munch on the hot chips I’ve bought and glare out the window. They could have tried, but they didn’t even meet me halfway.
I could walk away from these alphas. I could live a life without them, knowing they are here and together. Could I find a satisfactory life without them? My mind tells me I could, I could thrive, survive, I could find someone who would love me, and I could love them. But it would be a tepid love, just a shade of what I could have with them. I can listen to the words they have been telling me, and I can get up and walk away. Salvage my pride and ego and broken heart, go home, and find a mediocre life.
Or I can stay, and I can fight. I can put my heart on the line and trust fate and destiny, and I can fight for them. It would probably bring up a lot of trauma history for them. They were so sure they would not have me, though.
And they are right.
I think I should leave them. They have suffered enough, and I have the means to get home now. The means to find my dad. I should just take it and go.
I start the car, wipe my greasy hands on my jeans, and drive slowly through town. I don’t know why I drive past the bar. It’s open, and there is a huge queue. And that cements my decision because if they can have it open, then they are working, and they don’t care. It’s not like I’ve gone out of my way to hide from them. Surely, they’d have GPS tracking on their own car. I’ve been expecting a cop to pull me over every time I start driving.
And just like that, the glow of the bar’s lights and Dynasty is gone. It’s just me and the car hurtling towards my lackluster fate.
I get to the edge of town and pull over. I stare at the sign. But I can’t do it.
I get out and kick the car, screaming and crying. It’s not fair that I found them, I fell for them, and now I can’t leave when they rejected me?
This is agony.
I crouch down, sobbing so hard I can’t breathe properly. But I can’t take a single step towards that sign. I cannot make myself leave them.
After a while, the tears stop, and I stand up and reluctantly go back to the car. I get behind the wheel and turn the car around and drive back into the city.
Defeated again.
Three weeks have passed. I’m in a stalemate with the city limits. It won’t let me leave, from any point. And now I’m running low on funds. I don’t think I even have enough to get back home at this point.
I’ve tried applying for jobs, but for every job advertised, about thirty people apply, and without a phone, I’m simply finding out about the jobs too late.
You could go back to them.
I nix that idea in the bud. There is no way I’m going back to them. I want to leave them. It’s the only fair and right thing to do. I set my shoulders stubbornly and get out of the car. Making sure to lock it because I can’t lose it.
The cops already gave me two tickets for parking in the wrong spot. One of them scared me half to death, knocking on the window in the middle of the night. The weather has gotten colder, though, and I’m really scared of losing that car.
I walk into the shelter and smile at the woman who walks forward to meet me. The building is clean but run down. The beige walls and carpets have seen better days. But the lack of chairs, the absence of everything, gives me chills.
“Hi, I’m Katie. Welcome to the Calter Shelter. How can I help you today?”
“Hi, I’m just wondering if you do any food or-” I trial off as the smile disappears from her face.
She plays with her skirt and can’t quite meet my eyes.
“Unfortunately, we don’t. We just had too many problems sourcing it. So, there’s nothing.”
I give her a tight smile, hiding the desperate feeling that’s clawing at my chest.
“It’s fine. It will all be fine. I’m good.” My false bravado isn’t going to keep saving me. One of these days, I won’t have anything left.
“Hold on, wait a minute, if you need somewhere to stay-”
“Oh, no, I’ve got my car. I’m good.”
For how long, though? Without money, I can’t put gas in, if I can’t put gas in, I can’t get around.
Frenzied thoughts are plaguing me day and night. The idea of finding a new pack made me vomit some of my just eaten food last night, so I know that’s not an option. I don’t have anything but the car to sell, and if I sell the car I lose my safety and ability to be mobile.
What do I do?
Katie waves me off, telling me to come back if I need a bed, but I almost don’t hear her.
I’m too busy trying to find an answer. I’ve got a hundred dollars left and no prospects for more money coming in.
My stomach growls, but I ignore it. I’m used to being hungry.
I get back to the car and lean against it, feeling hot and faint. A group of teenagers walk past me, laughing and chatting.
I ignore them until I hear a single word.
Derision. It’s not a common word to hear.
I lunge after the girls. “What did you just say?”
The teen has blonde hair in pigtails and looks really pretty with her makeup on. She reminds me of me before everything went to hell. Right now, she looks terrified. I grip her arm hard, holding her to me. She looks at her friends, alarmed, and I’m sorry that she’s afraid, but destiny is throwing me a lifeline here.
And I’m taking it.
“Derision is in town for a concert,” she squeaks, trying to shake me off.
I close my eyes, my hands trembling. “Locke is here? In this city?”
“Um, yes, I don’t know. I don’t know the band. I just know my friends are all going.”
I beam at the terrified teen. “Thank you!”
She blinks at me but otherwise just lifts a hand in farewell. I jog around the car and get into the driver’s seat.
Locke is here. My family is here.
Oh, my god.
I’m so giddy, I can barely get the keys into the ignition. I get it in and turn the engine over. It starts, I half expected it not to, and then I drive. I keep having to slow down because I forget to stick to the speed limit.
Locke is here.
Oh, god. Please, let me find him.
I know where to go, and sure enough, when I get there, the theater is crawling with people setting things up, and a big, burly security guard glowers down at me when I try to enter the building.
“You can’t come in here.”
“I need to see the lead singer of Derision.”
“You and half of everybody on the planet, love. It ain’t happening.”
“I’m his cousin.”
“I’ve seen Auryn and Aurelia, and you are not them.”
“I’m Charles’ daughter.”
He bursts out laughing. “You must think I was born yesterday. Everyone knows Charles Raines and Auggie only have two sons. The hot shot hockey player and the pro surfer. They have no daughters.”
I glare up at him and put my hands on my waist. “I am the daughter of Wayne Raines, Charles Raines, August Raines, and Sol Raines. Lia, Ryn, and Locke are my cousins, and Kelly and Raider are my brothers.”
“Sure. If that’s so, why don’t you just call him?”
I blink up at him, losing steam. He’s not wrong. My family kept me out of the spotlight. I am the spare Raines. The one no one knows about.
“I don’t have a phone.”
“You don’t have a phone?” The guard mocks me, putting his sausage fingers to his cheeks and feigning dismay.
“You are a terrible beta,” I snarl up at him.
He shrugs. “Don’t muchly care. You fans are all the same. All you care about is getting a piece of some rich brat.”
“Call his manager.”
“No!”
“Call the manager, right now!” I shout.
We’re drawing a lot of attention, but it can’t be helped.
“No fucking way.”
I decide to do something that I think I will always be ashamed of, but he is the only thing standing between me and being saved. And I choose myself.
I lean in close. “If you don’t call the manager and get him on the phone, I will fall to the ground and claim you hit me.”
His face goes slack before it transforms with rage. “How dare you?”
“You have five seconds, and I’m going to start screaming assault.”
He glares at me, and I mentally count to five, begging for this to work. I open my mouth and clutch my stomach. I can see the panic as he realises that I really am this crazy, and his entire job is on the line. His career. Everything. Does he want to gamble? No, he doesn’t.
“Wait! I’ll do it. Just give me a moment.”
I close my mouth, feeling sick with myself. I observe him, listening to the conversation. The security guard whips his head towards me, his mouth open wide. He’s got a full head of dark hair peppered with gray, and he looks like if he wasn’t scowling, his smile would be just as infectious as Raider’s. Bill turns away, whispers something, then shakes his head. I can feel the frustration pouring off his huge frame. His face turns bright red, and he stammers some words, but then he glances at me again, resigned. I almost regret dragging him into this.
“I mean, are you sure? Okay, all right. I won’t let her leave.”
He hangs up the phone and comes to stand beside where I’m sitting in the gutter, wishing like hell I had a drink and something to eat and maybe even a shower. What is Saint doing right now? Does Crow miss me? Is Hunter getting the bar ready? Ugh, why am I thinking about them now?
“I’m not allowed to let you leave.”
I smile grimly. “Told you.”
“I’m sorry.”
“I wouldn’t have screamed.”
He shakes his head, clearly unsure what the hell to do with me. “My name’s Bill.”
“Hi, Bill, I’m Bethany Raines. Any chance you have something I could eat?”
My new friend offers me his hand.
I take it.