13. Saint
Chapter thirteen
Saint
Four weeks.
It’s been four weeks, and each and every day, the pack is falling apart just a little bit more.
Crow has withdrawn into himself. Hunter is silent, but his temper is razor sharp. I can barely focus, and I’m exhausted from constantly trying to keep the pack sane.
At night, instead of sleeping, I read through the reports from the private investigators I’ve hired. I check in with the hospitals, police, and shelters. I ring all my contacts. It’s one big, continuous loop that has me falling into bed at ridiculous times in the morning or afternoon.
I blink at the inventory I’m trying to sort out, but I just can’t seem to focus. With a groan for my stiff muscles, I stand up, making a decision. I’m no good to anyone like this. I’m just going to go out and get something to eat and sleep for a little bit, then I’ll start again.
I leave the bar and walk down the road. The lights of all the bars have turned the street into a neon wonderland. I find a junk food place and go inside. Maybe if I eat, I will be able to focus.
I order enough burgers for everyone, and then stand to the side, absently staring at the road. I see her face everywhere, the expression of pain when I tried to cut her off that morning. Her whimper. It replays all the time. Fury at myself claws at my insides. Is she okay? I need to find her! A streak of something tears me back to the here and now. I only see it for a second, but it’s our car, and the driver has white hair.
I spring forward and race after the car, but it’s gone in seconds. I stand on the sidewalk, staring down the street, my chest heaving. Jubilation fills me. She’s here, and she’s alive. I have to go back to get my keys, but it gives me hope. If she’s here, she can be found.
Bethany is alive, and she’s okay, and she didn’t leave. I repeat those words, over and over.
I stop my race back to the bar, staring where I saw the car last. I slam a hand over my pounding heart. Everything in me wants to keep chasing that car. It might be pointless. It might be the night we find her. Quickly, I return to the burger joint, grab the food, carry it to the bar, grab mine that I really don’t want to eat anymore, and then I get my keys, my car, and without telling anyone, I set off in search.
Maybe I’ll get lucky.
I drive for hours, ignoring my phone and the missed calls I have, but I don’t see the car again. I slam my hand on the steering wheel. Perhaps I imagined it. I sit at a park and get out, wandering around until I get to the swings. They aren’t in the best condition, but they are a hell of a lot better than the ones I grew up around.
Crow and Hunter don’t remember a lot of what happened during those early years. They have their own scars and are both so badly messed up that it hurts to remember. Hell, I am, too, but I don’t shy away from the pain. I learn from it. But they don’t remember the beatings, the bread that had mould, they don’t remember the kids that disappeared or the police who came looking. Some of the situations that only became terrifying once I could view it from the lens of an adult’s perspective have haunted me.
Keeping Hunter and Crow safe became my entire purpose in life. I was savage and made myself unapproachable. I didn’t want to be adopted or fostered. My intent was to just stay with them.
And it worked. I was only taken from the place the one time. After the third night, the woman hit me so hard, my face went completely numb, and she broke my arm. The next morning, she brought me back.
Crow had crawled into my bed, sobbing silently. It took hours to console him. And Hunter’s fear and grief were silent.
This place reminds me of the playground we used to hide at. Where we would come to escape the nightmare. I sit on the swing, and a kick of my leg sends me sailing through the air.
I presented as an alpha first, when I was thirteen in the middle of a fight with a bigger kid. That moment when I felt that power crack open inside of me was indescribable. I could feel the weakness of the beta in front of me, smell everything better. I felt amazing. It was like I was living my life with dulled senses, and I’d finally awoken.
After that, there wasn’t anyone that could hurt the three of us when I was around. They tried getting rid of me a couple of times, but they couldn’t do anything, and no one was game to touch me. The one person who touched Hunter ended up in the hospital for a month. When they told the police that I did it, the police looked at how small I was and laughed them out of the station.
Since then, it’s been a game of providing security. House. Job. Work. Keeping the pack safe.
She feels like a threat. But she’s a threat I can’t stay away from. I want to speak to her, just to explain. I want to beg for forgiveness. To understand why she feels so dangerous and so good? What is she, our salvation or our ruin?
I pull out my phone and look at the missed calls. Why is Eric calling me? I dial him back straight away.
“Boss.”
“Yes, what’s going on?”
“You know those photos you were looking at the other day? Those people?”
My mind puts it together instantly. “Yes, what about them?” I ask guardedly.
“They’re here. Crow and Hunter haven’t noticed yet, but it won’t be long.”
FUCK!
I turn and race for the car, wondering if I will make it in time to stop anything terrible from happening.
The drive takes forever, and I curse out more than a few slow-moving vehicles. I park at the back and race in the back door. Eric spots me straight away.
“What are they doing? Is she with them?”
Eric shakes his head. “Looks like they are scoping the place out, boss.”
That’s not a good thing. My disappointment crushes me, and the world gets darker. Subconsciously, I think I was hoping she was here.
That I could see her. Just talk to her.
Because I miss her.
And it’s killing me that she’s not here. That I don’t know if she is safe or not. I just need to know that she’s okay, and now I sound like Crow and Hunter.
Would I be happy with just that information? Yes. I would. But I know I don’t even deserve that much.
I take a moment to collect myself, hiding all my feelings and putting my alpha mask on. My breathing is still too hard, so I wait. I get a text and look down, seeing the message from Crow saying SOS, which is our code for help.
I walk out calmly. The trick to controlling almost all situations is to be confident and calm. If you act like you know what you’re doing, then most people will look at you and assume you do, too.
I open the door and look out at the bar, spotting him immediately, and almost instantly, my legs buckle. I hold myself up with sheer willpower. He has her eyes.
Even from here, I recognise those eyes.
And something inside me rips painfully. I don’t know if it can be fixed. I don’t know if I can recover, but I know that I need her back.