Chapter 20
CHAPTER TWENTY
When we woke the next morning, Bastian put me through more punching drills which went about as well as they had the night before.
My muscles were screaming even more after sleeping on the forest floor.
I could barely lift my arms. I have the smallest inkling that he was taking it easier on me this morning.
I’m almost positive he caught every little wince and hiss of pain as I moved around the campsite this morning.
In fact, when we mounted Puck to set off again, he lifted me onto the horse without even letting me attempt to do it myself. And once he threw himself up behind me, he wrapped an arm around my middle and roughly tugged me to him until my back rested against his front.
“Stay,” he had rumbled out.
And stay I did. I may be stubborn, but at this point, the discomfort overrides any urge to continue fighting him on this. Relaxing back into him helped to soothe my aching muscles a bit, but I still know I’m going to be sore for days. I can’t even remember what it feels like to not be in pain.
We hit the Twilight Veil by midday, and it was strange how suddenly the terrain and climate changed as we crossed over.
Warm is not a word I would ever use to describe Unseelie, but with the way the temperature dropped the second we entered the Veil, I wished we were back in that dark landscape. Bastian had rummaged through his saddle bag for a thick cloak after the first shiver wracked my body.
This far east and away from the mountain ranges, there wasn’t as much snow on the ground as there had been near where we came through the portal, yet the air still carries that fresh pine and crisp scent of snow and winter.
The change in the trees was the most dramatic demarcation between Unseelie and the Twilight Veil. The gray, scraggly branches were suddenly full of color and began to look more like a tree and less like some sort of desiccated skeleton of one.
I couldn’t help the way my head was whipping side to side observing the path as we carried on. I didn’t get to take in enough of the veil on our trek back out after the attack because I had been so distracted by the pain in my thigh and making sure that Bastian was in fact still in one piece.
I don’t think I’ve seen anywhere so beautiful. This is what I pictured in my mind when I imagined the Faerie realm. It almost has an ethereal vibe about it. There’s mist clinging to the tops of the trees obscuring the view of the sky and diffusing the harsh sunlight.
We’re about halfway through the Veil when the mist parts enough for me to catch a glimpse of something gray tucked into the mountains that stands out against the bright snow.
I tilt my head in its direction. “What’s that?” I ask Bastian, breaking the comfortable silence between us for the first time since we had our midday rations.
His head turns towards where I indicated. “What’s what?” he asks.
“That building. Up in the mountains.” I lift my hand to point at it.
He tugs on the reins, halting Puck from progressing any further forward.
Now it’s his turn to tilt his head. “I… don’t have any idea.
” He squints his eyes as if that will help him see farther into the distance.
“It almost looks like a castle… But I don’t recall anything in our history that made mention to a castle in the Twilight Veil.
” I can hear the confusion and uncertainty in his voice.
“Well perhaps you haven’t read all the history books,” I offer.
He turns his face back to me, a look of annoyance across his features. “I’ve read every history book in Unseelie,” he deadpans.
“Well look at you, little academic.” I smirk at his eye roll. “Perhaps I can find something in the books in Seelie. That’s certainly a source you haven’t been able to tap into before I assume.”
“You would assume correctly. I suppose it is possible that they could have something that the Unseelie don’t. But I would find that hard to believe.”
I shrug and turn back in the saddle to look at the castle in the mountains. I can’t see it very well, but what I can see of it looks abandoned. It’s perched on the edge of the mountain range and there’s at least one tower that looks like it used to be a spire that has since crumbled.
If we weren’t on our way to Seelie and my parents, I would ask if we could make a detour up into the mountains to explore. I’ve never seen anything like it.
The castle in Unseelie was the first time I’d ever seen a castle in the flesh and not just sketched out in a book.
But that one was dark and almost felt like it was haunted.
This one looks… I don’t fully know how to explain it.
Because lighter isn’t the right word. It’s still a deep slate gray stone construction similar to the Unseelie castle.
But it has more of a warmth to it that makes it feel more welcoming. Like a place I need to explore.
I shake the thoughts from my head and refocus on the path ahead of us that leads to Seelie.
“We can try to comb through the books in the palace and see what they’ve got there. I’m sure they’ll have something,” I offer. If they let me in, that is. I pick at the skin around my fingernail as I tumble into my doubts.
He hums in agreement but doesn’t say anything further as he nudges Puck back into motion.
The rest of the day passed in silence. We rode until the sun began to dip below the horizon before stopping to make up camp for the evening along the river.
We took up our usual camp preparation tasks as we’ve done the last few times, with the added task to water Puck while Bastian cleans whatever animal he’s caught for dinner.
It’s a pleasant rhythm we’ve fallen into.
I dreaded the end of our meal, fully expecting that Bastian would make me run more self-defense drills with him, but I was pleasantly surprised by the words that came out of his mouth instead.
“You’re off the hook for self-defense tonight.”
“Oh thank the gods,” I say on an exhale as my body sags in relief.
He smirks at my reaction. “Don’t misunderstand me. You’re still training tonight.”
I groan. “But I thought you said—”
“I said self-defense,” he says with a lift of his brow. “You haven’t tried to tap into your magic recently, have you?”
The heat of embarrassment climbs my cheeks.
“No,” I say softly, nearly a whisper. In truth, I haven’t tried it since we first left.
I got discouraged when I couldn’t get it and ultimately stopped trying.
I know that’s probably not the best choice but without the motivation to carry on, what else am I supposed to do?
It’s so demoralizing that I can’t succeed.
“Exactly. I’m going to try to help you work through it.”
I huff out a breath. “A lot of good that did last time,” I mutter.
“We weren’t successful last time, but now we know why it didn’t work. If we can track down where the source of the block is, we can work to dismantle it and reopen that flow of magic.”
“You’re a lot more confident than me.”
He offers me a small smile. “Maybe a bit of positivity will help.”
“It’s weird coming from you,” I say, scrunching my nose in mock disgust.
He chuckles softly before gesturing for me to sit. I take up a spot on my bedroll, set up next to his. We sit cross-legged facing each other and it’s all I can do to not let myself get lost in his features and to instead focus on my breathing and tapping into my magic.
I close my eyes, breathing deeply to help clear my mind. But the more I think about trying to clear my mind, the more my thoughts jumble and take over.
A light tap on my nose has my eyes flying open, startled. I find Bastian assessing me thoughtfully.
“You need to relax,” he states matter-of-factly.
“Wow, what a wonderful idea. I didn’t even think of that,” I deadpan.
He lets out a resigned sigh at my attitude and there’s the slightest twinge of guilt for snapping at him like this. It’s not his fault I’m struggling. It’s not even his fault I’m in this situation to begin with. That honor belongs to my loving aunt.
The warm weight of his hand settles over where one of mine rests on my knees. “The more you stress about it, the harder it will be. You need to let it go.”
“Let what go?” I ask, annoyed.
“All of it. The anger, the nervousness, the tension, the stress… the fear.”
I bristle. “I’m not afraid.”
He cocks an eyebrow at me, one that says are you sure about that?
“I’d be surprised if you weren’t afraid,” he says, voice earnest.
“What do you mean?”
“You’ve just learned that you’re the heir to a throne you never even really knew existed.
You have these powers that you’ve never even seen before.
Not to mention the deceit by those closest to you that kept you from knowing those things,” he trails off, falling silent a moment.
“It’s completely normal for you to be frightened.
You could be afraid of the power—gods know I was when mine first started to manifest. You can even be afraid of what this new path means for you.
” His face softens with understanding the more he speaks.
“You’re almost definitely nervous to meet your parents, these Fae that you were always led to believe were dead.
You want to live up to some false expectations you think they have of you, don’t you?
I know I try to live up to the expectations of my parents…
” he trails off as he lets out an almost pained chuckle.
“Or at least I used to. Once I realized I could never meet their standards, I stopped trying. Now I live for myself, and it seems to be going well for me so far, wouldn’t you say?
” He flashes me that signature smirk and taps his fingers against the back of my hand, drawing a hesitant smile out of me. “Feeling suitably relaxed yet?”
I roll my shoulders back a few times, testing the tension. “I think that may have helped,” I say, leaving the thank you hanging in the air between us. He offers a small nod as if he also feels the presence of those unsaid words.
“Close your eyes,” he says softly, his voice smooth and relaxing me further, all on its own.
“Now, take a deep breath in.” I do. “Hold it.” Again, I obey.
“Let those feelings gather. Anger, fear, anxiety, doubt. Now let them all flow out of you on the exhale.” I let out the breath and feel, as further tension releases from my body leaving my shoulders sagging a bit more than before.
“Good. Now, before I had you trying to find that flow which now we know is blocked. Instead, I want you to try and feel for a hollowness. A blank, emptiness that feels unnatural. That should help guide you back towards the source and find the block. Once we find the block, we can try to work on dismantling it.”
I let out a soft breath. “Okay, sounds simple enough,” I say with a sarcastic laugh.
Keeping my eyes closed, I begin to search. I spend time focusing on each individual limb. Moving finger by finger looking for that hollowness he spoke of. Once I’ve gone through my fingers, to no avail, I work my way up into my hands, my forearms, up into my shoulders, until—
There.
The closer I get to the center of my chest, the more it feels like something is missing.
Hollow.
Empty.
“I found it,” I get out on a whisper, so soft I almost think he didn’t hear me, but I should never doubt his Fae hearing. Of course he heard me.
“Good job,” he says back just as softly, pride lacing his words and bringing a small smile to my face. I didn’t think I was someone who enjoyed praise but the more he tells me I’m doing a good job, the more I preen under the words. “Now, let’s see what happens if you start to probe at the space.”
I return my focus inwards, to that blank space in the center of my chest, behind my sternum.
I poke and prod, trying to see what it will do but each attempt meets a resistance the strength of a castle’s stone curtain wall.
It’s my own personal defensive wall, protecting the magic that lies dormant within.
Except not even I can penetrate the defenses.
I don’t know how much time passes of me throwing all my thought and focus into that hollow space before Bastian’s hand lands gently over mine.
“I think that’s enough for this evening.
” He gives me a sympathetic smile that raises my hackles.
I know he means well, but I don’t need his pity.
It’s only then as I pull my hand from his and run it across my forehead that I realize the sweat beaded across my brow.
I didn’t even realize it was taking me that much effort to attempt to break through.
“It’s not something we’ll be able to do in one night, otherwise you wouldn’t have been hidden so well for so long,” he offers in an attempt to ease my anxious thoughts from drifting back in.
“Do you—” I cut myself off and shake the thought from my head.
He tilts his head. “Do I what?”
“Forget about it,” I say as I push up to stand, brushing the dirt and stray blades of grass from my palms on my pants.
His hand circles my wrist before I can take a step away. “Talk to me, staellara.”
“Ever going to tell me what that means?” I ask, trying to shift the conversation.
“Maybe. If you tell me whatever it was you were about to ask me,” he challenges.
I narrow my eyes in a halfhearted glare.
He matches my expression until we’re glaring at each other, my head tilted back to be able to meet his eyes and feeling utterly ridiculous for it.
I huff a sigh and roll my eyes. “Fine. I was going to ask if you thought I’d ever be able to break through the binding. ”
His teasing glare drops immediately to one of a solemn understanding. “Of course I do.”
“But nothing I’ve been able to do so far has had any impact. Even the most minor of shifts.”
“You may not have had any meaningful changes at this moment, but you were able to locate it. I’d say that’s a big first step.
Plus, the natural world always has a way of balancing things.
It’s not natural that your magic has been bound in this way, against your will.
Keep trying. Between your attempts and the balance of things, you’re bound to break through. I know it.”
I sigh. “Okay, I’ll keep trying,” I say, a hesitant determination steeling my words.
“That’s my girl.”
I know he doesn’t actually mean to claim me as his girl, but the words send a shiver through me nonetheless at how much I like the sound of them.